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  #11  
Old 07-31-2011, 07:54 PM
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Bravo for exploring your feelings and being able to express them so well here. Pretty damn good, for a bloke!

I love the book Sex at Dawn too.

Also, you really made me giggle at the idea mono sex is old "bangers and mash." Let's mash ourselves together and bang!

So, anyway, enough with the funny stuff. Like you, when I was married and mono I always craved sex with others. Since I am bi, it was both men and women. I had an uncontrollable roving eye. Sometimes I'd do some mild flirting, nothing serious. I'd get strong crushes tho, on friends, neighbors, celebrities. It did get obsessive at times.

After 10 years together, my h and I had 3 children and my sex drive went away when the kids were little, from overwork, lactation, and sleep deprivation, but once the youngest turned 4, it came back full force and so did my crushing. My husband, like yours, was always extremely jealous, plus he always resented somehow the knowledge that I was bi, which I had never hidden.

I tried to hide my sexual desires for others. (I also desired emotional closeness, maybe that's a girl thing.) But the husband always picked up on it... his extreme jealousy (caused by low self esteem) caused him to have radar for my feelings and desires.

So... somehow at the point my kids were ages 5, 8 and 10, my husband finally began to understand and accept my bisexuality. Suddenly he had an epiphany! If I wanted a woman, he and I could have a 3way. It was a longterm deeply buried fantasy of his. How it all worked out, I won't go into right now.

Also, me being accepted as bi and poly was so freeing. Before that, he'd tried to control my sexuality in many ways, mostly by trying to set a "pure" example, denying he ever felt attracted to another woman ever, denying he masturbated (lying on both counts). Once, he even told me one of the reasons he wanted to move from downtown Boston and buy a house in the suburbs was to take me away from attractive men, isolate me. (heh, of course that backfired because I am bi and joined a womens' support group. :P ) This controlling behavior resulted in me feeling evil, while he was pure.

So, even though our try at a triad didn't work out, and eventually husband and I split (for various reasons), despite counseling... I just wanted to let you know, you are definitely NOT alone in your sexual desires for others. And unlike Mono (who is prejudiced) and opalescent, who warns of a deeper issue other than sexual desire, I feel right in your wavelength. And I want to say, being open about your deep need with your wife is the only way to go. Unspoken needs, denied and repressed, lead to less and less intimacy in a couple. And in your case, even worse, lack of quality of life in many ways.

I suggest you keep talking, and tell her you need to be honest, even if she gets mad, hurt, pissy... she will feel jealous, she will fear losing you... But your very quality of life is at stake. It's great you respect her enough to not just cheat, after all!

Just don't have your discussions in front of your kids!! Seek counseling if you need a private place to talk and a disinterested 3rd party. Read threads here... so many have gone through what you are.

Good luck, hon.
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  #12  
Old 07-31-2011, 09:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
(I also desired emotional closeness, maybe that's a girl thing.)
Am I a girl? Seems my penis is a very boy thing. Hmmm. Proof that a man can have tender feelings and be both available for and very interested in emotional closeness.
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Old 07-31-2011, 10:12 PM
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Am I a girl? Seems my penis is a very boy thing. Hmmm. Proof that a man can have tender feelings and be both available for and very interested in emotional closeness.
I remember, back in the early 90s, going to hear Sam Keen speak somewhere downtown with a friend of mine. At that time we were all reading his Fire in the Belly and King, Warrior, Magician, Lover by another author, in addition to Women Who Run with the Wolves. Anyway, he said, "Why is it when I hold a child and caress their face, making cooing noises and expressing love, that I am told it's my feminine side? But if I punch someone in the face, then it's my masculine side? No, both those things are part of me. My masculinity has both tenderness and aggression."

(I'm paraphrasing)

It really struck me and I have tried not to categorize men and women ever since, but sometimes I do just out of habit.
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  #14  
Old 07-31-2011, 11:08 PM
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It really struck me and I have tried not to categorize men and women ever since, but sometimes I do just out of habit.
We've all heard so much about "women's lib" over the decades. (I'm a feminist guy!) But fewer are aware of the much smaller "men's lib" movement/s. Just as women have been steriotyped and prepackaged and processed by restrictive and idiotic gender roles, so have men. And just as little girls have often been thwarted in their full and round development in childhood and adolescence, so have men been. Men are often less feeling, actually or apparently, because we're systematically taught not to feel so much and to think, think, think instead -- and be aggressive, assertive, competitive.... This is enculturation, not biology. But, of course, there are biologically based differences between men and women. Its just that it is very hard to know what boys/men girls/women would be like if allowed to follow their own natural inclinations.

I should also mention that many women are very, very "masculine" while many, many men are very, very "feminine", and everything in between. And this is the case regardless of sexual orientation.

All of that said, I'm definitely more "like a woman" (as conventionally thought) in regards to how I think about and value relationships. But I'm very much a man. (Hell, I used to be a wildland firefighter!)
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Old 07-31-2011, 11:40 PM
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River, I really dig you.
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  #16  
Old 08-01-2011, 12:03 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by River View Post
Am I a girl? Seems my penis is a very boy thing. Hmmm. Proof that a man can have tender feelings and be both available for and very interested in emotional closeness.
River, it was said tongue in cheek. You know I'm genderqueer and pansexual. I was speaking of the common cultural presumption.

BTW, some girls have penises. Oh my, I just remembered. I sleep with one several nights a week!
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miss pixi, 37
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  #17  
Old 08-01-2011, 02:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
BTW, some girls have penises. Oh my, I just remembered. I sleep with one several nights a week!
That's fine, but mine's a boy/man penis! (Grunting and lifting heavy objects)
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  #18  
Old 08-01-2011, 02:51 AM
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River, I really dig you.
Ditto, dearie.
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  #19  
Old 08-01-2011, 02:54 AM
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Jackbungee, I am sorry we have derailed your thread.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #20  
Old 08-01-2011, 02:58 AM
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Yeah, sorry, ... I get all lost when I'm talking about my penis!
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