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Old 07-25-2011, 09:05 AM
monopolylover monopolylover is offline
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Default I should have taken the advice

I was on this group late last year looking for advice as a mono dating (what I thought) a polyamorist but what later turned out to be just a very mentally disturbed person with a lot of issue using poly as their own personal relationship cattle prod.

I got defensive here when it was repeatedly suggested that the person I was with was not what I thought her to be.

Long story short, i should have taken the advice that was given here. Unfortunately this is one too many relationships I've had with a person claiming to be poly that ended with me being the one who actually could handle a plural relationship like an adult. Which would be great if I was poly but I'm not. The complications, pain and gaming that go into these relationships are just not my bag. If the games and tomfoolery have to exist at all I'd prefer them with just one person at a time.
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Old 07-25-2011, 04:51 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Default

The idea is to find people who don't play the games--whether mono or poly. One has to keep one's head even after being smitten by an interesting person and take some serious time to guage compatibility and try to get a read on how big the Bucket O' Crazy the other person carries actually is.

Sad to hear of the painful ending for that relationship.
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 07-25-2011, 06:59 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
The idea is to find people who don't play the games--whether mono or poly. One has to keep one's head even after being smitten by an interesting person and take some serious time to guage compatibility and try to get a read on how big the Bucket O' Crazy the other person carries actually is.

I am finding that this discernment of "is this an appropriate person to be in a relationship with and/or to bring into my circle of family and friends" is something a lot of people don't look at. They get into somebody and enamored and then go forward no matter what the signs or issues. I see this in monogamous relationships all of the time. They fall "in love" and then are trying to figure out why everything's drama and craziness. And instead of thinking "maybe this person's not the healthiest person, and maybe I shouldn't be dating them", they stick it out and try to work it out.

I'm not one for tossing people away needlessly, but a little awareness and caution in dating is not a bad thing, especially if you have already established relationships. There's nothing fun about somebody else bringing the big Bucket O' Crazy into your life...
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Old 07-25-2011, 07:29 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Default

Certain people affect me a certain way, and sometimes it's the combination of personalities that is unhealthy, not so much the individual personalities by themselves. I used to think this was something that i had to "work on" in those relationships because i got the erroneous idea somehow when i was very young that in order to experience true excitement, there must be perpetual conflict.

The way it is now (and i'm skipping a few chapters when it comes to how i got here from there), i consciously seek relationships that bring out the better sides of my personality, where i can look at my behaviour and see how it's better than it would have been in the same situation with a previous relationship. I don't spend a lot of time wondering if i'm doing things right or whether i could be doing better when i choose relationships that make me feel good.

I have discovered that there can be mystery and romance and excitement without the struggle and aggravation. It's just that you won't find it with most people you will meet. And that is very ok. People expect too much when it comes to finding compatible partners. This fits in with my theory of pessimism which i have mentioned elsewhere already.
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Old 07-25-2011, 11:47 PM
monopolylover monopolylover is offline
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Default factors

There are a few mitigating factors that have tainted my dating life for some time.
Years ago, I was with a really great person that was suddenly and violently ripped away from me. That kind of got me to punishing myself in relationships since I thought it had been partly my fault and I wasn't interested in doing any better in relationships than what I had had.
When i thought I had grown out of that, I got into some relationships that became to needy and I thought maybe dating a person who didn't rely on me as their only source of companionship might help that. But as it turns out people who can truly be polyamorous are too few and far between to just date and expect you are dealing with the real issue. That can be even more destructive because a person who is using poly like that can do some major damage. Not just to those they are in relationships with but the concept of poly in general.
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