What the HELL happened?!

For some backstory
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=118307

For 3+ months we have been doing well, or so I thought. Then this weekend happened.

Things looked good:
Early August, I went away on a week long vacation to a HUGE medieval event call Pennsic in PA, run by the SCA.
Since I had returned we had some good weekends together the 3 of us. Including a painting party with some of Angela's long time friends. And then Angela had invited me to join her & JR to take her mother to a Native American powwow on this past Saturday. Everything went well from what I saw. This was a step forward for Angela, since anything to do with her family and I was strictly a NO. And I spent the night, in which all were very satisfied. So I went into the rest of the weekend lighthearted.

Then the rest of the weekend went downhill QUICKLY:
Sunday morning: Birthday celebration plans with Angela's family later that evening were cancelled suddenly (plans I wasn't invited to, but I pick my battles). Angela had to call her mother and tell her. Which upset her as well as Angela. So in an attempt to lighten her mood, I suggested that we catch a movie after brunch.
Noon: So we all go to the local bagel place. We all were talking and joking waiting on line to make our order. Then suddenly Angela is very quiet, sort of staring off into space. Then she is in tears.
We try to find out what happened, what was wrong. She says she's not hungry anymore then she rapidly walks out of the shop. We catch up to her a couple of doors down. All she would say is that she "Needs a breather." to walk around by herself & go to the beach to "ground herself". The more we say we will go with her the more upset she got & insisted she wanted to go alone. And that she would return when she felt better. I tell her to call or text me & give her a hug. She nods at me but says "no". We let her go walking, thinking she just needed some alone time. JR & I get our brunch return to JR's apartment.

Around 12:30: Cause I had bad feeling I asked JR if we could go & look for her. We get in the car & go to all the spots JR knows she would go. We walked around some parks. We went to some stores she likes. Nothing.

3PM: We go back to the apartment, hoping that she was there. Nope. This time, JR & I made love on my air mattress that is in the craft room I have been using. Then we both took showers & watched a DVD.

5pm: No call, no text. No communication at all. I am really starting to worry. JR says she has done this in the past & will wake him at 2AM yelling at him.
Angela & I are friends on Facebook, so I go to see if she has posted anything. To our surprise she had posted that she made it to the beach 6 miles away. And was 'vaguebooking' about how she is going to make a "new start" and that she was going to live on the beach. Angela refused to talk on the phone & would only communicate via text with JR. She refused to go back to the apartment. JR & I realize that Angela wants him to get her. And for me not to be there.
9pm: So JR takes me back to my home. I asked him to make sure she is safe, even if she does't want to go back to the apartment. & to text me when that happens.
Midnight: I get a text from JR. "Got her, she is home (the apartment) and I am getting her food."

5:15 to 7:24 Monday morning: I got woken up by getting 6 long rambling texts from a text from Angela accusing JR & I of having an affair behind her back. She knew this because she "had a vision" of the future (at the bagel place). And in it she saw JR & I running off together without her. Of how she was sure I was fucking him without protection & that I was pregnant. (IMO: The only way she could even know JR & I had sex that day would be if she had been outside the building near the windows & heard us. Plus it wasn't unprotected either. We used a condom & I have the Nexplanon BC.) She kept saying that I was manipulative & was getting revenge on her somehow.

In texts since then, she now thinks that she can veto our entire relationship & refuses to talk to me face to face, which I haven't been pushing for at all. She doesn't want me at JR's apartment for 3-4 weeks.
I have apologized for hurting her feelings & her trust, even though I really feel that I did nothing wrong.

I am all sorts of hurt and confused. She has a history of anxiety & panic attacks. But this was like a tornado just ripped through, totally out of the blue. No warning or anything.
If it is a prolonged anxiety/panic attack I wish she would just come out of it soon. I just have no clue how to navigate this.

Oh gosh, how confusing and bizarre. I hope she regains her equilibrium and apologises. Even then, sounds like she's done some terrible damage to your friendship :-(
Best wishes in navigating whatever is coming next.

I take it she's never gotten onto her anxiety meds. This is all her illness talking. Depression. Paranoia. Lack of food, even.

You can't really help someone this mentally ill by trying to talk them into being rational. I thought you had a conversation with her months ago about getting her medical treatment and sticking to her plan. If she "can't afford" treatment, there are systems to help. Many states have health care help for indigent people.

I agree with Mags. "What happened" was she has some mental problems. They won't go away on their own.

I agree with Mags and Vin.

At the same time, this isn't fair to you and I think you need to figure out what to do should she ot choose to work on her mental health.

Magdlyn said:

I take it she's never gotten onto her anxiety meds. This is all her illness talking. Depression. Paranoia. Lack of food, even.

You can't really help someone this mentally ill by trying to talk them into being rational. I thought you had a conversation with her months ago about getting her medical treatment and sticking to her plan. If she "can't afford" treatment, there are systems to help. Many states have health care help for indigent people.

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We did. I had been asking her how she was feeling in that respect and she said she was doing well. But she did nothing more and I didn't want to harp on her about it.

In June she had gotten a second job, due to her first job not giving her full time hours since her emergency surgery in April. I was hoping that she would make a smooth transition. But she insisted she could work both jobs.

Now her first job is finally giving her hours, her stress has increased. Both JR & I asked her to leave the pharmacy. Her argument for staying is she hasn't been at the new place long enough for benefits to kick in. On Friday she had a bad day & made a big mistake at the new job, one that she fixed, but now she felt she had let the company down. Which was not the case. But my Nana had a great saying which I have been using alot the past few days, "Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are."

I feel that JR & I were as loving and supportive as possible towards her. But IMO there was nothing we could have done to stop this from coming since she did not take her own mental health as a priority. To her we have abandoned her, and nothing will change her mind until she comes out of this.

So has she been taking her meds? Does her husband know?

If she has been, but is under new stress, and acting out very badly, she might need to have the meds tweaked, or talk to a counselor about not taking on too much.

Magdlyn said:

So has she been taking her meds? Does her husband know?

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They are live-in-BF/GF. She is not on her meds regularly. She is still rationing them, as far as she has told me. And yes he knows she is not taking her meds.

If she has been, but is under new stress, and acting out very badly, she might need to have the meds tweaked, or talk to a counselor about not taking on too much.

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Taking her meds when she feels the need is not going to help her. I think I will suggest to JR to say maybe couple counselling wouldn't be a bad option. I think if I suggested it, Angela would never talk to me again.

Hi Valynn,

It sounds like you are really walking on eggshells with Angela. Maybe JR should talk with her first, then if that fails, stage an intervention (with you and JR) with her. She is definitely having a mental illness episode, she needs to start taking her meds stat. Also she needs to tell her doctor (hopefully she is seeing a therapist) that she has been rationing her meds. So that her doctor can put her on something less expensive, or something better covered by her insurance. Things can't just keep going the way they have been, that much is clear at this point. Sorry about how she's acting, that's pretty scary.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

kdt26417 said:

Hi Valynn,

It sounds like you are really walking on eggshells with Angela. Maybe JR should talk with her first, then if that fails, stage an intervention (with you and JR) with her. She is definitely having a mental illness episode, she needs to start taking her meds stat. Also she needs to tell her doctor (hopefully she is seeing a therapist) that she has been rationing her meds. So that her doctor can put her on something less expensive, or something better covered by her insurance. Things can't just keep going the way they have been, that much is clear at this point. Sorry about how she's acting, that's pretty scary.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

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Thanks Kevin. She has not seen a therapist in along time. I was hoping that if JR & her go to couples counselling things can be worked through. And she can get the help she needs.

Glad if I could help, it sounds like couples counseling might be the first step.

I spoke with JR today about the possibility of going to couples counseling with Angela. He said he would broach it with Angela. Now it's all in their court now.

Keep us posted, if you're willing, on how things turn out.

Update: The finale

Things have not gotten any better with Angela. She refuses to go to couples counseling with JR. So there is no way to repair anything. She has just decided that almost the entire year, never happened. She still refuses to talk to me at all. I am hurt and crushed that this has happened. While I still have feelings for her, she wants nothing to do with me.

So I have decided to keep my boundaries strong for my own well-being. Our relationship will continue to pull part further into parallel poly V with JR. I am not sure what the future will hold. But for now I will support JR in any way possible.

Valynn said:

Things have not gotten any better with Angela. She refuses to go to couples counseling with JR. So there is no way to repair anything. She has just decided that almost the entire year, never happened. She still refuses to talk to me at all. I am hurt and crushed that this has happened. While I still have feelings for her, she wants nothing to do with me.

So I have decided to keep my boundaries strong for my own well-being. Our relationship will continue to pull part further into parallel poly V with JR. I am not sure what the future will hold. But for now I will support JR in any way possible.

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I'm sorry you are going through this.

Good job on keeping your boundaries strong. Take care of yourself

Thanks for that update Valynn. I'm very sorry that things have not improved with Angela. She seems to have been sucked into some sort of psychotic black hole, she no longer recognizes her need for professional help. I think keeping your boundaries strong is the best you can do at this point.

I'm sorry to hear that. It's been a trial. Understandable that you feel hurt.

I think your decision to keep strong boundaries so JR can be the one to deal with Angela over THERE on that side of the V is better for you. He is dating her. You don't date her any more. You don't have to be involved with her mental health care up and downs any more. Esp when she wants nothing to do with you.

Accept and let go.

Galagirl