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  #31  
Old 07-24-2011, 10:02 AM
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I think I've been polyamorous all my life. I've liked other people romantically many many times during my 8 year long relationship with JJ. The crushes didn't progress to love because I chose not to pursue those people. These feelings for other people have never affected how I feel for JJ, I've loved him just as much as ever. This makes me think that I really am polyamorous by nature. The fact that I'm now in a polyamorous relationship, that is obviously a choice.

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Originally Posted by serialmonogamist View Post
I think people choose to sacrifice potential love in the interest of other things. It may be harsh or cynical to look at it this way, but I think if you honestly reflect on your life you would discover many instances where you sacrificed (potential) love or the pursuit/maintenance of love for some other concern. Is it a tragedy or just business or both?
I do agree with this. I can see many potential loves in my past if I just had pursued them. But I chose not to because at the time we were monogamous with JJ and that would've been the end of our relationship. I don't think of it as a tragedy though, it was just a choice I made like any other choice in order for both of us to be happy.

When I met my girlfriend rory, the time was right for me and JJ to enter into a polyamorous relationship. We were both ready for it. I hadn't really thought of myself as polyamorous before that (hadn't really thought about it) but now I most certainly do, since I love two people. I think that will stay as a part of my identity in the future as well, no matter what happens in my current relationships. I believe I could still choose a monogamous lifestyle, even though I know this about myself. Maybe. I hope I don't have to though.
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  #32  
Old 07-24-2011, 06:10 PM
serialmonogamist serialmonogamist is offline
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Originally Posted by Mya View Post
I do agree with this. I can see many potential loves in my past if I just had pursued them. But I chose not to because at the time we were monogamous with JJ and that would've been the end of our relationship. I don't think of it as a tragedy though, it was just a choice I made like any other choice in order for both of us to be happy.
Yeah, I don't think it's that big of a sacrifice. The sacrifice that is to me unbearable is having to assure someone else that they're the only one you think about to protect their emotional security. It seems like people should be mature enough to accept the truth that you have a crush on someone else but that you're not going to act on it without wanting to close themselves off to you. Still, that is the ultimatum you're usually dealing with in monogamy, i.e. "tell me that you have eyes for anyone else and I'll close up until you keep your mouth shut about it." This is how people learn to lie and keep their feelings secret from the ones they love, I think.
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  #33  
Old 07-25-2011, 12:01 AM
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Originally Posted by serialmonogamist View Post
It seems like people should be mature enough to accept the truth that you have a crush on someone else but that you're not going to act on it without wanting to close themselves off to you. Still, that is the ultimatum you're usually dealing with . . .
You just haven't met the right people yet.
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  #34  
Old 07-25-2011, 02:36 AM
serialmonogamist serialmonogamist is offline
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You just haven't met the right people yet.
Well, I also have to admit that it would/will be very hard for me to build up the trust in someone that they can have a crush on someone else or find other people attractive and be strong enough to sacrifice the opportunity to act on it. I'm sure that must sound controlling to an actively poly person, but from my mono perspective I can't see accepting someone else falling in love with another person and wanting to jump ship if I'm planning to resist doing that for them. If I was with a poly person and I already knew she had other relationships when we started hanging out, I think that would be different. I think that would be a comfortable, easy relationship actually but I find it hard to imagine I wouldn't feel like I was tempting her to lose interest in her man, which I wouldn't want to do. I have real respect for people who can make poly work, because you're dealing with such strong monogamous cultural traditions, norms, etc.
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  #35  
Old 07-25-2011, 06:36 PM
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Originally Posted by serialmonogamist View Post
Well, I also have to admit that it would/will be very hard for me to build up the trust in someone that they can have a crush on someone else or find other people attractive and be strong enough to sacrifice the opportunity to act on it. I'm sure that must sound controlling to an actively poly person, but from my mono perspective I can't see accepting someone else falling in love with another person and wanting to jump ship if I'm planning to resist doing that for them.
This is interesting. In all your other recent posts (including your previous one just a bit further up this thread), you talk about how you don't want to mislead a women into thinking you will be monogamous when you want to be able to pursue other crushes and attractions, and you bemoan the idea that women won't stick around because of that. Now you are saying the opposite -- that you will be the faithful one and they will fuck around. So, it would seem that you are afraid either way. You've mentioned going through a divorce. Maybe you're gun-shy and really not ready for dating yet -- much less choosing multi-partner dating (polyamory).
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  #36  
Old 07-25-2011, 06:47 PM
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Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
. . . that beyond creeps me out but they don't have a *vomit face*
Here ya go:
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  #37  
Old 07-26-2011, 03:19 AM
serialmonogamist serialmonogamist is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
This is interesting. In all your other recent posts (including your previous one just a bit further up this thread), you talk about how you don't want to mislead a women into thinking you will be monogamous when you want to be able to pursue other crushes and attractions, and you bemoan the idea that women won't stick around because of that.
I don't want to pursue them. Just acknowledge their existence and not have to hide them or keep them secret.

Quote:
Now you are saying the opposite -- that you will be the faithful one and they will fuck around.
I'm not saying they necessarily will. I'm saying that if my gf told me she had a crush on someone, I would have a hard time avoiding thinking that she's going to cheat on me if given the chance.

Quote:
So, it would seem that you are afraid either way. You've mentioned going through a divorce. Maybe you're gun-shy and really not ready for dating yet -- much less choosing multi-partner dating (polyamory).
"Gun-shy" is probably a good word for it, though I'm still working on processing the meat of the metaphor. I'm not really looking to choose multi-partner or single-partner polyamory. I'm just trying to honor my (lost) marriage without staying alone for the rest of my life. I don't really believe in divorce so polyamory seems like a solution to my ethical dilemma.
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  #38  
Old 07-26-2011, 03:51 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I get the feeling that some people become polyamourous as a lifestyle choice and some because they are naturally born that way and didn't know it was an option until now. What are your thoughts on that?
we are human. unlike most animals in that respect we live in a different condition that merges instinct, genetics and our individual personalities as they develop our forward logic. I think if we are "hard wired" for anything it is sex in general. By that I mean ALL forms of sexual activity. It is the summation of our personality traits and growth that bring us to hard wiring of what type of sex we prefer. For me homosexuality is a gray area because I do believe that can be a genetic trait as well as a combined trait that can develop from the summation of the personality with genetics or instinct.
I think the way to tell when a person is just "playing it" so to speak is when they fall into circular logic. "This is that or I am this because this is that or I am that because that is that and i am this."

As advanced as we are it stands to reason some parts of us complete others in what we truly are as they develop. Not always or specifically from just birth.
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  #39  
Old 07-26-2011, 07:26 AM
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I definitely see poly as something that I am and part of me, and not a choice I've made. On the other hand I have also made choices, such as the choice to be open and to practice poly over cheating, for instance, or repression.

So, I would say, it's kind of both for me. Being that way, and choosing to live accordingly.
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  #40  
Old 07-27-2011, 08:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mohegan View Post
Maybe it's partialy a coping thing with the fibro, b/c it seems to take more out of me to try and really spend time and energy on multiple people.
Vanilla and I both have been diagnosed with fibro, but I've been coping with mine for 10+ years, whereas she got it just last summer and is having MAJOR issues with coping and combining work, let alone multiple relationships, with constant pain and lack of energy .

I find that whenever a new relationships begins/ends, I have a closed-off period when I don't really want to seek out anyone new. A honeymoon period during NRE, and a mourning period when a relationship ends. So no matter how much I intellectually shy away from poly-fi, I have my poly-fi tendencies come very naturally at certain times. Imagining that out of my two relationships, one would end, that would in practicality translate to a period of freely chosen monogamy.

So on a spectrum of monogamy-polyfi-open polyships, my natural inclinations would fall somewhere between polyfi and open. Having experienced very little jealousy and certainly none towards a romantic partner having another romantic interest besides me, I would like to think I'm well-equipped for my chosen path. When accidentally monogamous , I urge my partners to look, even if I'm not in the mood for some reason - a form of natural compersion, perhaps. But the decision to pursue multiple relationships while single was definitely a lifestyle choice. I strongly identify as poly due to my "natural" tendencies and strong belief in it as a valid relationship style, but it wasn't how I started.
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