Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 07-22-2011, 05:00 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

I'm hard wired mono and know people who just live monogamously because they don't know anything else.......so I would imagine you could be naturally poly and/or choose to be poly as well.

But this topic is not for me...if only I could choose to be poly
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 07-22-2011, 05:57 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

I think that it is possible to both chose the lifestyle with some people and identify with others now that I think of it. I have most definitely fallen in love with others and not been able to control that. Its almost an uncontrollable, deep rooted urge to be with them and express it. When I can't I am deeply saddened. This to me makes me identify as poly... much as I identify as pansexual.

With others I have loved them, but chosen how much I engage with them and what level of involvement I have... some of them I have grown to love deeply over time, but not in a driven way... I chose this and therefore it is the lifestyle I have chosen.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 07-22-2011, 07:55 AM
handknit handknit is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 8
Default

Hmm. This is interesting, especially as I've been considering my own identity recently. I'm not sure I'd consider myself poly, although at this particular point I am in a poly relationship and in love with two people. But I don't feel that my life would be lacking or unfulfilled if I were to be monogamous, or without partners at all. Then again, prior to this relationship I had pretty much decided that I was going to be single for the rest of my life and that was fine with me. I don't generally go looking for romantic involvements at all, let alone ones with multiple people involved.

So... maybe I'm not poly? Or maybe I am, because I've chosen to be a part of a poly relationship? But maybe I'm not, because it's not something I would seek out on my own? Or maybe I am, because I clearly have the capacity to love more than one? Heck if I know.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 07-22-2011, 08:35 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

Very interesting topic.

I'm not really sure where I stand with it. I have had poly tendancies most of my life. But when I met Karma I knew I could be okay being only with him. I have had people come into my life that I have loved and thought "wow wouldn't it be nice if we could be one happy family". But never took it anywhere b/c I didn't know how it would be possible, how I would handle it. I have a hard time placing my attention on more than one person. I cycle with friends, I spend time with this one for awhile, then I cycle of to this one for awhile, then that one. Maybe it's partialy a coping thing with the fibro, b/c it seems to take more out of me to try and really spend time and energy on multiple people.

But on the other hand, now that we are stronger and are living this life, even though I am yet to date anyone other than Panda, I feel a bit more free, a bit more at peace. It's okay to look again, it's okay to consider another relationship. And with that freedom comes a bit a weight lifted, and a much more open and communicative marriage.

So I guess it's a born that way, but I have the abilty to shut it off. I guess. I mean I honestly very rarely looked at someone in a sexual or emotional love way. But now that I can it's like turning on a switch.

I really was happy and content with just Karma. Never felt like I was missing something or wasn't being true to who I was. It's more like I was okay with where I was, but then I opened a door and saw the greener grass.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 07-22-2011, 03:29 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

My thoughts are this.:

As a species, humans are naturally non-monogamous.

Yet most of us live in cultures where monogamy is expected of us.

Some of us choose not to allow the culture to dictate our lives.

Some people are happily monogamous, for varying durations. But most people eventually feel constrained by monogamy.

All of this is more complex than I just said, because I used monogamy in its shorthand form, without complicating it with the fact that there are sexual and emotional monogamy and non-monogamy.

Some couples are emotionally monogamous (by choice) while sexually non-mongamous.
What this means is that they engage in sex outside of a relationship but don't become much emotionally bonded with their partner/s.


On a personal note, I have such an overwhelming preference for emotionally bonded sexual touching that any alternative is just not that attractive.
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog

Last edited by River; 07-22-2011 at 06:30 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 07-22-2011, 05:02 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Hey RP,

Yea - from listening to so many people discuss their entry into poly I think you are right.

For many (maybe most?) it's really like coming home. There was always this internal thing they felt but had no name for or concepts how to proceed if they did.

For some, I think it is a conscious 'choice'.

What scares me about that though is that in many of those cases it may be driven from failure. Failure of the 'mono' model to work out and an attitude of ..........
"well - mono sucks so let's try something else - nothing to lose".

To me, those people can be dangerous. At least at the beginning, it's not "close enough to the heart" to be reliable. It's an experiment and the things than can make one lovestyle fail can make them ALL fail !

Thoughts..........

GS
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 07-22-2011, 06:06 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

I think its important to be aware that choosing poly might be temporary and that people who are potential partners might be choosing poly rather than identifying as such. Awareness and being honest.

It could be that any relationship dynamic will be an alternative one day. Not exclusive to monogamy or non-monogamy but just letting relationships become what whatever they are meant to be. Letting our relationship lives just be in general.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 07-22-2011, 07:50 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

I would hazard a guess that some people believe monogamy or even long term monogamoy to be a priveldge in the dating/relationship world.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 07-22-2011, 08:08 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,304
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosephase View Post
I think poly is a choice. Just like every other relationship structure. I also happen to believe that loving more then one person at a time is something everyone on the earth is capable of. But relationship structure is a choice.
This is pretty much how I see it. I am a human being who chooses to live polyamorously. I see relationships as poly or mono, not people. My happiness, sense of fulfillment, self-esteem comes from my own internal work on myself, self-knowledge, etc., but is not dependent upon the structure of my relationship(s).

Polyamory is a possibility, and a container for which to develop relationships. If I say "I'm polyamorous," I don't mean that being polyamorous is my nature. When I say that, I mean that is how I choose to live. If I were to say, "I'm single," no one would ask me, "oh, are you hard-wired that way?"
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 07-22-2011, 08:19 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Squamish, BC
Posts: 790
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
Good topic !

Poly/OR is a choice for me, and therefore a lifestyle.

I believe we DO choose who we love. We all have those moments before we know we are in love. Where we feel that spark and pursue it. It is a choice to decide to pursue love with a person.

I feel lucky and blessed when it comes my way, but I don`t turn into a puddle without extra loves in my life. I enjoy my monogamous side, as much as my multiple-loves side.
This is true for me as well.

I am mostly happily monogamous right now. Every once in a while I look at OK Cupid or I think... hey,... he/she is really nice and I'd like to get to know them better, but for the most part, I'm fairly busy.

I have learned that the CHOICES I make must be made with care and consideration. Jumping into the first relationship, allowing myself to fall in love with the first person who shows interest in me... that can be disasterous.

But poly is definately a choice - I love more than one, but I choose the number of relationships I engage in.
__________________
Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate
I believe that happiness is something we create


My Journey to Health and Fitness
My Journey as a Widow

Jane
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
identity, lifestyle, monogamy

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:32 AM.