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  #11  
Old 07-21-2011, 07:51 PM
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For the past hour and a half we have been texting back and forth. Pretty much everything said here(what I said plus incites from you awesome peeps) And hes finally talking. Most things talked about did have to do with a poly situation. But lots has been talked about in just our daily lives.So far these are the things that have been ...I wont say resolved but stated...

1. Me being in another relationship is fine. He wants me to but doesnt want me hurt like I was with the last one.
Understandable because he had to watch me go through the
sadness.
But I also explained sometimes that happens like any relationship.
2. Hes worried about me dating because crazy people out there.Afraid something bad is going to happen to me
Again understandable and we will discuss more on this later. Stating
his fear made me see that we will make sure to set up something
to ease his fears and make sure he knows Im safe.
3. He needs to say how he feels instead of reacting with very hurtful things.
As he stated, I am upfront with my feelings etc he needs to do the
same.
4. His job situation..Now this has been a biggie for awhile and he says as soon as schedule goes back to normal he will actively search for something else.
After 5 years of the stress from this place.. Im glad to hear he is
deciding a change is really in order.
5. We do need to sit down and discuss things more clearly.
This is very valid. In Poly-I was unaware that he didnt remember
boundaries etc. Maybe its time they are written down so not
forgotten. In daily life just us- We need to discuss how day has
been. Instead of letting it fester and blowing up weeks later.
6. He promised he would stop the yo yo effect. That he is still ok with poly. Still wants me to open myself emotionally and physically. That it wasnt fair to do that because he had some insecure moments.
In this he does state he wants to meet the guy. Which is ok
because thats how I want it anyway But at same time Im not
going to jump into any relationship yet. I want to know a person
well before I get involved.



Thats only parts of many but it makes me feel better.. In his words.. Im a stupid stubborn fucking man that doesnt always understand how he feels or how to describe it.
LOL Now I couldnt help but laugh because I said almost those same exact words over the weekend.
During this whole conversation he has said over and over again how sorry he is that he reacted the way he did and no he shouldnt have been going back and forth. Knowing now from his mouth that its fear for me not fear of the outside relationships makes me feel a little better. Its a relief for him to talk. But damn it pisses me off that almost every bit of the crap he took out on me had to do with his job or fear of me being hurt in anyway. Instead of just talking about it. Im starting to see sometimes he needs a kick in the ass! lolol.
Now to see what this discussion leads up to.

Many years ago we went through something similar. But it had to do with we worked opp shifts for 2 years. So never saw each other. When I quit my job we had to relearn to deal with each other. Reconnect etc. Took a really long time to get on the same page. He realized it feels the same as it did then. And since its been brought to light he is determined not to let the same BS happen again. And we have been only seeing each other maybe a hour a day the past few months due to his job. So it does feel like it. Now that he sees it.. Maybe just maybe its nipped before it hit a complete downfall. Thanks for all your input guys. Lets hope that things will be calmer again. I cant stand to feel so out of sorts and confused.

Chris
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  #12  
Old 07-31-2011, 05:55 AM
ihaveasecret ihaveasecret is offline
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Have things improved between you and your husband? It sounds like it has been exhausting.
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  #13  
Old 07-31-2011, 02:40 PM
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It really was exhausting lol. After having the major blow up we had to talk...and talk.. and talk a lot more. Sometimes he holds crap in till it builds to the eruption. And he hasnt done that since then We have talked when stress starts to hit. Not when its piled on so thick you cant breathe. Sometimes things take the bow out to get back on track.
He now tells me all about his day instead of just saying alright or whatever. Normally he did tell me about how things were. But he had gotten where he was so wrapped up in the crap he forgot to talk to me. Took the blow up to realize he was closing me off. And with closing me off I had no idea what was going on how he felt so it started feeling to me like a ton of bricks weighted down on me. ANd so he just struck out with the stress on the one thing he could focus on me.
I even started dating again after this all went down and we talked. Making sure to stick to his days off and keep the communication there. Hubs has met one and will soon meet the other. Its a preference of mine that the person and my hubs can get along And of course Im dating to find the one that sparks my...interest lol. Hubby is my first priority and his happiness in any situation.
Ok that was a lot of rambling. lol I went to the one guy hubs hasnt met yet apartment last night. Had a awesome time. Hubs was supposed to meet him last night but he was super tired(which is understandable after a 12 hour work day) Maybe next time. So all the rambling is me talking without even 1 cuppa coffee in!! AKKKKK


Even in all the frustration... Communication is the key to everything and that was breaking down in us..That blow up freak out session...Was needed to throw things back to where they needed to be. And he stopped that whole yo yo shit that was making me feel crazy. That he was just so overwhelmed with everything(not even just the poly stuff) it all rolled into one big ball. and well... Im the target because Im the one he trusts to still be there even when hes a prick. LOL(his words)

Thanks everyone for listening to our crap haha. Im sure there will be more downs as there will be ups
Chris
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  #14  
Old 07-31-2011, 03:11 PM
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Hi Chris,

So glad you got S to open up and examine his emotions, and you two seem to be getting in the habit of talking things over asap instead of him holding things in until they can't help but erupt in hurtful confusing ways! I hope this continues, I hope you two get more time together soon, and I hope you increase your sex and kissing to increase the warm bonding hormones a good relationship should have.

I had a thought about the actual poly bit though, when I read your OP. You say S wants you to get a lover, but he doesn't want one for himself. You don't say WHY he wants you to get a lover. You didn't seem to want one, and have just gone along with it to please S.

However, now you've gotten accustomed to it, and have had some enjoyable experiences with a few men.

I get the feeling S has a desire to feel cuckolded. The idea of another guy fucking his wife makes him turned-on, yes? However, I also get the feeling he feels threatened when it actually happens, especially because you need a guy you really like, before sexing him, whereas what S wanted was just for you to have a FB, sex alone.

Now, it's normal for guys to get off on the idea of their female partners getting fucked by another guy. (Read the great book Sex at Dawn if you don't believe me. It discusses the polyamorous or promiscuous behaviors of our hunter-gatherer ancestors.) But it's also normal for people to feel threatened when their partner actually develops strong feelings for another partner. Jealousy and fear of loss develops. This is so common. New Relationship Energy can overwhelm the new lovers and make the primary feel quite neglected.

So. You say you and S haven't had much sex lately. Is it possible however, that when you are on a date, and having sex with someone else, S is masturbating to the idea? Many men get all turned on by something, but once they cum, they are then disgusted at the fantasy (or even a real person, if they were actually fucking) that turned them on seconds ago... That's a guy thing.
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  #15  
Old 07-31-2011, 03:53 PM
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S and I are back to our almost daily sex. Which makes me feel a lot better lol.

S did want me to get another lover and honestly wanted it to be a threesome type thing. I have major hang ups on that because of past horrors...
He understood and then was ok with me getting the bf.. But yes the fear of me finding someone else and leaving him was there.. like a nasty thing in shadows. Im sure it will take time to realize that I love his ornery ass LOL and hes stuck with me. As far as him getting another lover... I think thats still up in the air. He thinks about it but says he honestly doesnt have the energy to have another....(hmm do I wear him out that bad??)
As for of WHY he wanted me to get a lover... It was the turn on of watching me be with another man. Or to have 2 at once. (him and another) I guess you can relate it to a live porno lolol. I mean it took me a long time to agree to it. Not that I didnt think I could do it.. More my insecurity of is he trying to push me away..get rid of me....type thing. Because hubs has ALWAYS been quite possessive over me even when we were just friends many many moons ago.

I dunno if the scent of another man on me turns him on or just makes him want to reclaim the land so to say. I went last night to a guys house that I have gone out with and talked to daily for awhile... And with the hubs permission did have sex. When I got home hubs was ready to reclaim. Which believe me is no problem. I will have to ask him about that lol.

I will have to read that book because that sounds exactly how it feels here. Its a turn on but yes he is afraid of my developing stronger feelings. Im sure that will work itself out with time and everyone becoming closer(if the new guy sticks around)

I am also making sure I am aware of NRE.. I dont want S to feel as if Im neglecting him or that Im happier with another. Making sure that the other guy stays the other guy for now. Im making sure to let S know he is first always. Or trying anyways. I have told him if anything he wants to know ask..

Did I catch it all? Im more awake now lol. But Im still message board retarded and cant seem to do the multiple quote thing to separate the stuff asked...
chris
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  #16  
Old 08-02-2011, 06:59 PM
MsKittie MsKittie is offline
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he honestly is proding you. He sounds more like a cuckold.

While there is nothing wrong with beign a cuckold the interpersonal ddynamics work very differntly.

He is proding you to verbally humilate him and feed into his fetish of you doing so and being with other men.

I would suggest look into cuckold resources and see how he reacts to those. If he is responding to those then you need to address the differnces of poly verse being a cuckoldtress and if you are ok with becoming his.
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  #17  
Old 08-08-2011, 12:00 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by just3 View Post
... But yet has said I should get the divorce ....
That sounds like the best advice offered so far, in my opinion. Until he steps up and deals with his issues, the relationship issues will only continue. You, by yourself, can't decide to work out the relationship issues because he has to be involved. Until he mans up enough to show up and work on all the issues confronting him, you're stuck with a dysfunctional relationship.

If you clear out, that will provide him a stark reminder that there are consequences to actions. In this instance, it would be consequences for neglecting to deal with his issues and those present in his marriage. It also provides him with space so that he can deal with his issues, should he decide to do so.

Unless, of course, you actually don't mind the roller coaster. You say you're dissatisfied and want to change things. What you've done thus far is keep riding the roller coaster. When it comes down to it, what people *do* is a far more accurate measure of what they want than what they *say*. What you're doing indicates you want to ride the roller coaster.
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  #18  
Old 08-08-2011, 01:02 AM
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I did straight up ask him about the cuckhold part And he swears thats not what he wants. THings have been a ton better since the big melt down and hes opening up and talking to me again. Guess he didnt realize he just quit talking and being my best friend. So now hes making it a point to tell me about his feelings etc. When I ask a question its fully answered. Which puts me so much more at ease. We have discussed a ton of things in the past couple weeks. He said he was super confused and afraid he just wasnt what I wanted anymore. And admitted most of it was in his head. He now says he wants someone who is going to love me the way he does. Thats going to be there when he is as well as when he is not.

Im sure there are going to be other roller coaster rides..just hope they are just shallow dips and swells rather than a major drop off lol. The open communication is one thing we were missing there for a bit. And mostly it was due to stress he wasnt talking about. He just shut down on everything for awhile. And with that ended up with miscommunication, and arguing that made the yoyo effect go full throttle. Honestly turning into a clusterfuck of emotions that had us both reeling. When I just hit a point that I wasnt going to argue. That I would rather walk out the door go to my best female friend...Well I sat there for awhile. Just talking with her(shes known us both for almost as long as hubs and I have been married) and venting my frustrations to you guys and her..well I was finally able to handle hearing what he had to say. Expecting him to not want this anymore . But instead finding out he just needed reassurance and also had to work it out in his own head.
Things have been tons better
Chris
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Old 08-27-2011, 09:41 PM
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Ok.. so I took a break to do lots of thinking. And trying to find my way in a mass of craziness. Things that I thought were worked out may not have been as worked out as portrayed. Just when I thought things were going great we were happy...The bomb was dropped in my lap. Almost 2 weeks ago I found that I was being lied to. And honestly its hard for me to let it go. Since we keep talking about being open and honest and nothing is hidden I looked at hubs phone to see what all was running that could be draining his battery in a matter of hours...and found a profile he had put up and hidden from me for awhile. I was shocked to say the least because... where was the honesty.. the never hiding anything. So I thought ya know I will just ask.. So when he came in I pulled up the profile asked if it was his and he said no he didnt have one. My stomach hit the floor. So for over a hour I kept asking if he was sure.. He says he swears its not his. I let him know I was going to send it a message since supposedly they reply often and are close by...Giving him yet one more opportunity to be honest. He said ok. So I send a message go outside to smoke. Come in to a reply from said profile.....sigh.. Finally after almost 2 hours of this I looked at him and asked when he was going to own up. He asks what I mean and I told him I looked at his phone to see what all was killing his battery. And the look on his face he knew he was busted. He followed me outside so we wouldnt argue in front of kids.. And said all he could say is hes sorry. That it was stupid to lie.

Now...Im still here almost 2 weeks later and still holding onto the hurt. Because I told him over 2 years ago that I thought he was suggesting a poly lifestyle so that he could go out and it not be called cheating. He swore he didnt want anyone else he wanted this for me. A year into that he still swore he didnt want anyone. A few months back. He swore he didnt want anyone else... and then he puts up the profile looking for others in secret right after I started this thread...And he says now he did it because he was confused and upset with the situation and so he put up a profile...which to me sounds like a revenge move..which is REALLY wrong to pull someone into your life for that kind of reason.
I am still angry, hurt...and so many other feelings I cant even put into words. I honestly dont know what to believe out of him right now. We still arent talking except about what the kids are up to during his long work days. And its still short few word answers. Hes trying to talk to me to find what to do to fix..and I can honestly say, I dont know how this will be fixed. I wont let him touch me in anyway because I cant be with someone I dont trust. And I feel that in the past couple I have bared my whole self...and now Im more vulnerable than ever. I have opened up emotionally, sexually...It took me a long time to let go of alot of mentalities that I have had. A lot of past hurts..To finally give over my whole self...And now I cant even explain how much his lies and attitude have hurt and made me feel like I should have just stayed more repressed.

I have no idea where we are going from here. I got the books Practicing radical honesty and Sex at dawn right before all this mess started.. Havent had time to sit and read. But then again.. I dont know if everything is over. He says no and begging for a chance.. Im tired of giving chances. Im tired. And have been so depressed the past couple weeks I havent hardly talked at all. I sit here all day while hes at work he comes home I got to work i come home and go to bed. After 12 years of caring for him. Taking care of everything so he never had to....dinner doctors kids school cleaning etc... sigh I feel like I have been taken through a meat grinder twice...
Chris
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Old 08-28-2011, 06:34 AM
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Bahalana Bahalana is offline
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I was going to try and give some advice, maybe suggest marriage counseling, like others already have. But all I can think to say is, what a jerk (what first came to mind were some slightly more colorful adjectives that I decided not to use). It amazes me that not only had he been lying from the beginning but that even after all the crap he put you through that he continued to do so. What a fucking jerk! I wouldn't believe his explanation, nor when he said he put up the accounts, unless he has some kind of proof of when he put them up (like a registration email). If he was going to lie at least he could have gone through the trouble of getting good at it. I recommend marriage counseling or tar and feathering, whichever you prefer.

To S; Seriously dude, your wife shows you your profile and asks if it's yours and you try to stonewall her? At this point the jig is obviously up, and while I'll admit you've got balls, your trouble seems to stem from your attempts to use them as brains.
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Last edited by Bahalana; 08-28-2011 at 06:37 AM.
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