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  #1  
Old 11-07-2011, 08:07 PM
JDStudent JDStudent is offline
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Red face I want to open my LDR

I gave a brief introduction in that section but here is more details about the "open" part of things.

My boyfriend and I have decided to sexually open our relationship. For now, I am not comfortable with the idea of truly being polyamorous and having other emotional relationships.

We have begun to lay down some rules, which I suspect are very general but I would love advice on what else to consider. Here is what we have come up with:

1. Complete honest. The other must be willing to give as little or as much detail as they are asked to give.

2. Pre-meeting updates. Starting out, we have decided to give step-by-step updates (when possible) about our process. For him, that means letting my know if he plans to go out looking for a girl. For me, that means updates on emails I send to potential women, meetings we plan, etc.

3. No hooking up with exes or mutual friends.

4. No bringing someone back to what is "our" bed.

5. Condoms must be used.

That is about it as far as general rules go so far. He has ask that if any toys are used, that the by smaller than "he" is.

We have agreed to have a talk and reevaluate after we have our initial encounters. As far as whether this will be something we will continue when we are together, that will have to be reevaluated too. Everything is fluid and open for discussion and reevaluate and change, if needed.

I am worried that I will become horribly jealous but mostly I really want him to go out and find someone. My fear of being hurt is greatly outweighed by my desire for him to pursue this.

We have decided that he can pursue other woman but have limited me away from men. I know that to some this will seem unfair but it doesn't bother me. When I proposed this to my boyfriend, I had no interested in participating myself. I just wanted this option to be open for him and perhaps as a road into a threesome later.

The reason I am not pursuing men is more than just his feelings. I love men and am certainly straight but one night stands have never done it for me. I am never satisfied so the potential benefits do not exist for me. I am very Type-A and am in my head a lot and these makes it difficult for me to really be in the moment with a stranger. I have had quite a few random hook ups and I know that that is not what I want.

My boyfriend instead suggested that I look for a girl who can be both a friend and a sexual relief (my two good friends left the city this past summer and moved so my social life is essentially non-existent.) I have no experience with women but it is something that I have wanted to experience so he told me I should find a girl that can fulfill me in all of those ways. At the moment, I am not sure where to really look. I have trolled Craiglist a little bit but feel as though that is so trashy and sketchy, even though there seem to be a few girls who are looking for a kind of friends with benefits situation as I am. I am not sure how to make this come about naturally.

Anyway, we are both extremely excited by the ideas of what this can bring for us and how this can further and enhance our relationship. I can definitely see how these kind of conversations and the willingness to give your partner what they need, even if it means it is from other people, can make you closer as a couple and that is what I am hoping for.

I would really appreciate any viewpoints on my situation or advice. Also any ideas on how I can begin to meet women would be great too.

Thank you in advance
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  #2  
Old 11-08-2011, 01:12 AM
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Sorry if I have got it wrong, but it sounds more like you are talking about casual hook ups than poly. Poly is forming love relationships with people and building something out of that that includes sex. Your post sounds like you are talking about looking for women to add more sex to your lives.

If its true and you are looking for sexual experiences with women then I would suggest swinging, not poly. Poly people don't generally take to the idea that they are around just to have sex with. It can be quite insulting to some actually. It is really important that you make it really clear before engaging with others in opening your relationship what your intention is.

What your man and you want is an One Penis Policy (OPP). While it might be fine with you to not invite men in your life, be sure that any women you invite know that is where you are coming from. Have you discussed what you would expect from her in terms of her having other men in her life? Do you want a closed relationship where she is available to just you? It might be worth discussing as some poly women would see your point of view as sexist.

There are a lot of threads here that you might find interesting that could shed some light on ideas around boundaries and the kind of dynamic you are looking for. Have a look in the search engine in the tool bar. There are many tags I can think of that you could look under... "foundations" "lessons" "OPP" "unicorn" are to name a few. See what you find and enjoy learning... it would be great if he were to read them too!
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Old 11-08-2011, 01:51 AM
bulrush bulrush is offline
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Quote:
5. Condoms must be used.
You know condoms do not stop herpes simplex infections, right?

Quote:
That is about it as far as general rules go so far. He has ask that if any toys are used, that the by smaller than "he" is.
Why not? Is he that insecure? If my girlfriend wants to use a 24" dildo, that's fine with me. I'll sit back and watch.

Here's a suggestion:
Some couples only "play" with another women if both of them are there at the time.
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Old 11-08-2011, 01:54 AM
JDStudent JDStudent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Sorry if I have got it wrong, but it sounds more like you are talking about casual hook ups than poly.
I did not consider it casual hooks up because, on my end, I am looking for more than just something that results in meeting up, hooking up and leaving. I would really like to find a person who I could form a bond with, a relationship I suppose. But I guess at this time I do not know that I am truly looking for love in this other relationship. But I still want something more than just sex. I am still trying to find the boundary. I suppose I am not sure that I can know until I experience it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
While it might be fine with you to not invite men in your life, be sure that any women you invite know that is where you are coming from. Have you discussed what you would expect from her in terms of her having other men in her life? Do you want a closed relationship where she is available to just you? It might be worth discussing as some poly women would see your point of view as sexist.
I would certainly not suggest that anyone I was seeing could not see someone else, man or woman. I would not expect her to forgo any other relationships.


Thank you for the advice and insight. I realize that I have been given room to form relationship in a way that I am not quite comfortable allowing my boyfriend to do due to my own insecurities. After looking around the site, I did broach the topic and ask him if he felt as though I was limiting him and he said he did not. He is much more focused on me forming a bond with someone emotionally and possibly sexually than he is on forming one of his on outside of our current relationship. I think that as we dip our toes into having an open relationship, we will better be able to figure out what works for us and if maybe we should instead be looking at the swinging idea rather than the polyamorous one.

I really hope I didn't offend anyone by my post
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Last edited by JDStudent; 11-08-2011 at 01:56 AM.
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  #5  
Old 11-08-2011, 02:06 AM
JDStudent JDStudent is offline
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Originally Posted by bulrush View Post
You know condoms do not stop herpes simplex infections, right?
No, I didn't. Is there some form of protection I am not thinking of?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bulrush View Post
Why not? Is he that insecure? If my girlfriend wants to use a 24" dildo, that's fine with me. I'll sit back and watch.
He is a little insecure. Plus, using something that is larger would later reduce sexual pleasure for both of us because I won't be as "snug" as I was before and that is something that we would both like to avoid.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bulrush View Post
Here's a suggestion:
Some couples only "play" with another women if both of them are there at the time.
We went into this with the intention of helping to add the physical connection that we miss due to our long distance relationship. What connection that is differs based on own needs (his a generally sexual, mine more of a mix.)

I am starting to feel like maybe I am looking in the wrong place and maybe I should just be looking for something on open relationships in general, rather than polyamory specifically.
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Old 11-08-2011, 02:38 AM
JDStudent JDStudent is offline
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I am sorry if I offended. Perhaps I am actually looking for something more similar to swinging, where I can have a friendship connection but not quite progress to love. I very sorry for confusing these two types of relationships and if I in any way disrespected it or anyone here on the forum.
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Old 11-08-2011, 02:56 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
If its true and you are looking for sexual experiences with women then I would suggest swinging, not poly.
The thing she mentioned in her intro thread but not here, is that she and her boyfriend are separated by distance right now. He is several states away, and they are used to fucking every day, so they've agreed to have an open relationship while they are apart. So, if they do some swinging at clubs or parties, or whatever they do, it will be as "singles" in their respective locations.
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solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 11-08-2011, 02:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JDStudent View Post
He is a little insecure. Plus, using something that is larger would later reduce sexual pleasure for both of us because I won't be as "snug" as I was before and that is something that we would both like to avoid.
Well, there are lots of toys that don't even need to go inside, but dildoes don't stretch women out. That is a myth.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 11-08-2011, 04:31 AM
JDStudent JDStudent is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Well, there are lots of toys that don't even need to go inside, but dildoes don't stretch women out. That is a myth.
I didn't know that. I just kind of assumed it would work like the real thing.
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Old 11-08-2011, 06:26 AM
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Originally Posted by JDStudent View Post
I didn't know that. I just kind of assumed it would work like the real thing.
Well, big dicks don't stretch women out either. We're designed to be elastic and can pop out babies that weigh 10 lbs. Just do Kegel exercises to keep your PC muscle toned, but don't worry that a big dick would loosen your vagina. That idea was probably started by men who wanted to keep their women from "straying."
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 11-08-2011 at 07:45 AM.
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