Jealousy is destroying my "secondary" relationships

[Magdlyn]

People are self centered. This can lead to hypocrisy in many ways.

In this case, what's good for the goose, your wife and her bf's deep relationship, spending whole weekends together on a regular basis, is not good for the gander, you doing the same thing. Or wait, is the goose the male and the gander the female?

Anyway, there was another case here of a Christian couple in which the husband had a secret affair with another Christian woman. Then the affair was discovered, the original couple decided to be poly, and the mistress was told she could continue in her relationship with the husband, with the wife's approval. The mistress was appalled and ran away.

Jealousy is usually based on a fear of loss. Your wife knows she loves both her men, and since you aren't jealous, she doesn't fear losing you when she loves her bf. However, she still fears losing you when you love another.

Getting her to see love as expansive and abundant, not scarce, is what needs to be worked on here.

[confusedme]

I have been away for sometime now. Internet has been down. Thank you all for the advice you have given me. Everything has been going well so far. I have learned that I tend to take things to fast, and have learned to slow things down some, focusing on what triggers my wife's jealousy. We have had some good conversations. I have a question for the guys though. Do you find it exceedingly more difficult as poly men to find a "secondary". I guess I live in a really close-minded state, or possibly it's just this damn town.

[TruckerPete]

Originally Posted by confusedme

I have a question for the guys though. Do you find it exceedingly more difficult as poly men to find a "secondary". I guess I live in a really close-minded state, or possibly it's just this damn town.

I'll answer on behalf of the guys. Yes. It's one of the most common frustrations I see here, and certainly saw it with Indigo when he was looking.

[Magdlyn]

TP, I think the consensus is, women can get dates for casual sex more easily than men can, but have just as hard a time finding someone interested in a real relationship.

Dear Confused,

I am glad you and your wife took a look at some deep issues and are seeing more eye to eye. Good job!

[TruckerPete]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

TP, I think the consensus is, women can get dates for casual sex more easily than men can, but have just as hard a time finding someone interested in a real relationship.

I didn't read it as a comparison, just a question about men's experiences. *shrug*

[Magdlyn]

Well, he said exceedingly "more" difficult. The use of the word more led me to think the unstated issue was, "as compared to women."

[TruckerPete]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

Well, he said exceedingly "more" difficult. The use of the word more led me to think the unstated issue was, "as compared to women."

Or compared to single?

[polycouple]

Originally Posted by confusedme

thank you annabel. I would like to avoid the ultimatum because I know she is emotionally engaged with him. I don't want him hurt because she can't control her jealousy, he did nothing wrong. I will Look into the reading. Do you have any other resources that might pertain to my situation?

This PDF has been EXTREMELY helpful in working through my GF's jealousy. It offer a really simple step-by-step process of working through these issues. The my two partners read this together, and go through the steps with her. It spurs discussion, it's an easy read, and the steps are invaluable tools to dealing with the emotions.

http://www.xeromag.com/practicaljealousy.pdf

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by TruckerPete

Or compared to single?

Oh, OK, good point. Maybe that is what he meant. I think being poly, male or female (or somewhere in between genders), does limit one's dating pool quite a bit.

[Carma]

I am poly and have had a boyfriend for 10 months, but my husband was mono. I encouraged him to explore and to be open to something with another woman. Well, now he has. I did not anticipate being "jealous," and I'm not sure that's what I am. I am scared. I am surprised -- I didn't know if this was really going to happen! And I know where MY heart is, and my husband's, and my bf's (and my two men have known each other for a long time, and are friends).... but I do not know how this new girl feels about everything. Sundance has told her he loves me and will never divorce me. But.... he has led her to believe that I spend a lot more time with my bf than I actually do, and has maybe played on her sympathies just a little. She isn't the type to move in on a happily married man! I think she sees him as a neglected husband who deserves to be treated better, he just hasn't realized it yet. She can't understand why I would want anyone else but him (she just couldn't imagine, as he is so wonderful in every way). I'm afraid she is hoping to wrangle him away from me.

That could be what your wife is afraid of. In poly I've heard them called "cowgirls." I don't want a competition! I want us to be on the same team. Did your wife meet the girls you were seeing? That can help. I'm hoping to meet his new girl soon, just so we will have a clear understanding.

Sundance had a rough time looking for a secondary. I kept saying just be open, she will come to you. She did. He already knew her, but had never responded to her interests. Once he did, it took off from there. Before that he was looking online -- that pretty much sucked. He felt he needed to say he was separated -- there are so many nice girls online who absolutely rule out a married man. It's more acceptable to be separated/going thru a divorce than staying committed to your family but wanting more love in your life. Sad. We are closeted, so he couldn't put a picture up, and no one responds to a profile without a pic.

I did hear of a site called seekingarrangement.com that looked interesting -- but it is geared for rich men and beautiful younger women. Nonetheless, it seemed a lot more honest and straightforward, anyway.