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Old 07-18-2011, 02:33 AM
Lifeisgood Lifeisgood is offline
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 13
Default New, my story, and a couple of questions

Please move this if in the wrong forum

Ok, so I just wrote this whole post and for some reason it logged me out without saving it. Argh, lol. I am tired so will condense this big time.

Hoping to get a little help, wanting to place a term on the relationship we have, and maybe some advice as well.

Ok, I am a married man to my absolutely awesome wife, and she now has a friend on the side.

She met the friend about a year ago at work. They have become best friends since then. They talk about absolutely everything and got each other through a rough patch. Not that I didn't either, but sometimes you need friends you can talk to besides your spouse.

About 2 months ago, she went over to his place and they had kind of their first date. They have been together about 4 more times since then. (And are together tonight as I write this )

He knows she is married to me, and I am great with all of this. It has opened us up alot, and added a whole new level of pure awesomeness to our relationship. Hard to explain, but I'm sure you guys know what I am talking about.

I have not officially met him yet, but from what she tells me, he is an absolutely great guy. And I am 100% comfortable with them being together. I know he will take care of her in every possible way.

The only thing I don't know of yet is, How long does he want to keep this going? Will he commit to this long term? I know you guys can't answer those ones

So, what would you call this relationship that we have as a group of 3? Myself, My wife, and basically her boyfriend

Also, how do you think I could go about asking him if he wants more, and kind of getting him to commit to more. He is a very sweet and caring guy from what I gather, and I just don't know if he wants this long term or not. But I would love to have him over here from time to time, and not just at his place. Though because we have kids home, it might not lead to any romantic encounters at our place.

I hope you don't think this is too rambling or confusing. Please ask if you have questions And thanks for any replies!
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Old 07-18-2011, 02:42 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

You're in a Vee! Your wife is the hinge. Do a tag search on Vees to read more about that.

You should definitely read TruckerPete's and IndigoMontoya's blog threads: TruckerPete's blog thread and IndigoMontoya's blog thread

I will leave more specific responses to the experienced folks here (I've never been in a Vee), but I will say that I wouldn't think it's really up to you to ask her boyfriend for a commitment. That's her relationship, let her manage it. That doesn't mean you can't meet him and invite him over for dinner at some point (again, read the threads I referenced above!!), but let her relationship with the boyfriend develop of its own accord. That's just not for you to meddle with.

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Last edited by nycindie; 07-18-2011 at 12:01 PM.
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Old 07-18-2011, 05:49 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 651

Hey and welcome,

I am in an newly established vee as well. Same structure, nearly the same initial position as yours. My husband seems to be as positive about my boyfriend as you are. I had a hard time coming to terms with the relationships and my feelings but you don't seem to have those issues if I interpret the tone of your post correctly.

I think it is acceptable to ask for the motives of the boyfriend. But maybe this should be done by her first. My two men are in it with the intention for long term commitment and they know each other some time. So this kind of talk is daily routine. But it could come off as pressing and uncalled for if you do not know each other.

I absolutely love it when my men do things together. Or make up their minds over matters that broach the topic of living together/being in contact with each other/spending freetime together. I love to see them developing a relationship of their own. If you click well with the new friend, than this could be a great help of making the relationship run smoothly.

My husband wanted to meddle too much in the beginning in fields that were just off limits for him, because he wanted to be involved. You need to communicate how much is ok and how much is just too much. But I think they will be able to tell you what is ok and what not. Ask her if she has already talked about his commitment and thoughts of the possible future developments. If she thinks that it would be ok for you to ask him about that.

Good luck and all the best
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Old 07-18-2011, 06:08 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504

I think you should let things play out as naturally as possible. It takes awhile to feel comfortable with polyamory situations for many people. If you asked him now about the future, he may think he will stick around for awhile but sees no long term future because that is what society teaches. However, after a few months, he may get a new perspective and really like how things are going and want to keep at it long term.

I think you should keep lines of communication open. Let your wife ask him if he wants to meet you and hang out for a BBQ or something. Keep it natural and not forced.
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Old 07-18-2011, 06:36 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Sounds like you have a good start going there. Great news. We don't get that much around here

I think if I were you I would leave them alone for now and see where this takes them. This is their relationship after all, not yours. Its their choice what they do with it and how invested they become. Really you are the one that has to figure out what you will do with your time when she is gone out and what plans you have for your future in this... that is enough no?

As to him visiting... bring it. Strong metamour relationships mean a strong back bone in a dynamic such as yours. You might have to look "metamour" up in the defintions sticky

Do some looking around here. do a tag search for "vee" and "secondaries" to get a better idea of what might be going on for him... see where that takes you. There have been some good blogs suggested too that would be worth reading. Mine is about me as a hinge with my two live in guys mostly... one of which is my husband. We started out much like you did, almost three years ago. You are in good company here. Enjoy the read
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Old 07-19-2011, 02:12 AM
Lifeisgood Lifeisgood is offline
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 13

Thank you gang for the responses! I will definitely read up on some of the blogs and terms on here, as I don't know that much just yet And to RedPepper, you are so right when you mention what I need to do with my time. I actually find that a little hard to deal with right now. Missing my wife while she is away. I kind of joke around with her about the fact that I am cool with them dating, being intimate, whatever. But I need to not miss her as much, and try to keep myself busy

My wife has a crummy work schedule right now. She works 80 hours in one week, and then has the next week off. So she can only see him every other week as it is. So she will see him prob 2-3 days out of that week that she is off. They have a weekend away planned in 2 weeks to go see some friends out of state as well. And she just asked him yesterday, and he called today as well, about coming over here to meet me and our son. So sometime in August is the plan for that. He mentioned staying for the weekend or something, I'm very cool with that, I'm not exactly sure what we will tell our son just yet...Prob that he is a good friend just visiting. But all in all, this is looking good. And boy it is fun

Hope this isn't rambling too much, Sometimes I get excited and want to type everything I'm thinking, lol. I'll keep tabs on this site if I have any questions, or just to share more with you.
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Old 07-19-2011, 05:13 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504

It is probably a good idea to talk about what will make everyone comfortable. For example, will it be awkward who your wife sits next to? Or if she kisses one person in front of the other, will it feel odd?

I was in a FMF triad before and I felt some stress over trying to balance everything. If I snuggled with one woman for 20 minutes, I felt like I had to do the same with the other. We finally talked about it and realized that a lot of the stress was me guessing what they wanted and was not even something that they were thinking about.
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Old 07-19-2011, 09:36 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I will just throw in that maybe you want to meet him before they go away together for a weekend? I have read sometimes that people in the bf's position are fine with the situation as long as the primary (you) is an unknown, for various reasons, some of them unhealthy - but freak out and decide they can't handle the reality once they see the living breathing other partner exists and is important.

Not suggesting that the boyfriend is hoping your wife will run away with him at all, he sounds like a nice guy, but I have heard of more than one instance of this happening, so that is why in my relationships we tend to meet the others partners pretty early on. Don't know if the boyfriend is poly or not, but if he isn't that would be more reason for me to want to meet him sooner.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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Old 07-19-2011, 11:41 PM
Lifeisgood Lifeisgood is offline
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 13

Well I suppose anything is possible. Even though I haven't officially met him yet, I feel as though I know him. We are friends on Facebook, and have sent each other private messages a few times, generally about my Wife and our whole romantic situation. I would guess that he has never heard of the poly term, as I really didn't either until I googled it probably a month ago or so. But he did have a girlfriend in the past that he let her see other guys as well. So kind of role reversal for him now. I would also tell you that the times my wife has seen him, have all been sleepovers. Some one night, and a couple for 2 nights. So to me, whether it is in another state or at his place, I don't have a problem with it. And he has on more then one occasion asked her about coming over here, and us doing regular things all together. He really likes meeting people and doing new things from what I gather. So that is another clue that he prob won't go crazy or anything, lol. One last thing, without getting too graphic, lol...Is that the other day he had her call me while they were...Busy...he thought it was a big laugh. lol. I wasn't really expecting that but thought it was funny.

Anyway, to make a long story short, haha. I hope to meet him in August, but am so very comfortable with them doing anything in the mean time. But I do appreciate your thoughts
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boyfriend, vee

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