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Old 07-18-2011, 01:35 AM
Thatgirl Thatgirl is offline
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Default New and very torn.

I'm here, probably later than I should be. I recently exited a relationship with a poly man. I ended it because, although he is theoreticly in an open relationship, his wife is very opposed to him having another relationship, any other relationship. (she hasn't met me, so it's not about me in particular) It is complicated because she is in a long term, full blown second relationship.

I decided I just couldn't do it if she wasn't on board. I know, there are a lot of double standards, but I still couldn't do it. It felt too much like an affair, which I'm not interested in.

Now I'm regretting it. I don't know if I made the right choice. I really click with him. They do have an agreement about an open marriage. I'm not really doing anything wrong...but I really have no desire to be the other woman, or to cause conflict in someone elses marriage.

I'm mostly posting here because I'm feeling weak, wanting to contact...and hoping someone might have some words of wisdom.
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Old 07-18-2011, 01:46 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Normally I would say keep your distance...but not considering she has a long term second relationship. I'm probably givning you shitty advice but maybe you are just what she needs to push past her own hypocracy?? Where is the baance in her inability to give her husband what he has apparently given her...freedom to have a relationship with another.

Again..my advice is probably shitty..that should be enough to make you stay away from this one
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Old 07-18-2011, 02:05 AM
Thatgirl Thatgirl is offline
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I go back and forth between that, and the desire not to be part of unhappiness in their marriage. I know the unhappiness is there already. Am I ok with possibly making it worse? I don't know.
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Old 07-18-2011, 02:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thatgirl View Post
I go back and forth between that, and the desire not to be part of unhappiness in their marriage. I know the unhappiness is there already. Am I ok with possibly making it worse? I don't know.
It wouldn't be worth it for me. Not if their relationship is that bad. You'ld be bringing a lot of negative energy into your own life. Your in a tough situation for sure.
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Old 07-18-2011, 02:11 AM
Thatgirl Thatgirl is offline
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You are probably right. I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment.
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Old 07-18-2011, 02:27 AM
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You stood by your principles. No, you weren't doing anything wrong but you wanted everything to be above board and out in the open, and she could not abide by that. You knew that the situation would erode your emotional well-being if it continued the way it was and you broke it off to support your self-esteem. So, I say, you should be proud of yourself and hopefully that will console you a bit, as I know you also miss him. But there will be other relationships, and another situation that can give you more of what you need. When one door closes, another opens, whether that is another man or an opportunity for self-growth in some other way. It's possible he will convince his wife to allow for it, but it seems there are problems in that relationship, and you don't need to go back and immerse yourself in that again.

Hold your head high, dear. You're doing okay.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-18-2011 at 02:30 AM.
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Old 07-18-2011, 08:10 AM
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My first wife (chronologically, no "concurrent wife" thing here--my mono, K, is #2) claimed to be poly as well. She explored quite a bit but was not ok with me exploring. That wound up ending when she brought home a unicorn and soon after demanded that I choose between the two of them. (Wtf... she's here because you brought her here!?) Well, I don't take well to ultimatums, so the unicorn and I left (crashing and burning later for unrelated reasons). From the perspective of poly male forced to be de facto mono with poly wife throwing around hypocrisy, it sucks for all involved.

The main issue really stems from the hypocrite. The question for you is how much you want to expose yourself to that. The problem is that you have very little impact on how she thinks or functions. Hubby may have some influence, but it sounds like he's not particularly effective. (This is not a "fault" thing; it's just how things are sometimes.)

You could try to be with the guy, but if there's crazy one step away, you're going to suffer collateral damage on a regular basis. For me, I didn't have the luxury of being one step removed but chose to reduce the overall amount of crazy I was willing to deal with.

Yes, your situation sucks. Sometimes the best we can hope for is moving on in a timely fashion so more is not wasted. *hug*
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Old 07-18-2011, 10:03 AM
polyexplorer polyexplorer is offline
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Hi Thatgirl,

I tend to agree with Mono on this one. You seem like a person able to look at all the consequences of your decisions rather than rashly make them. So you have made a considered decision and now you are regretting that decision. It seems to me that your regret may be telling you something...

If the guy you are interested in takes responsibility of his decisions and is fully aware of the consequences, then I tend to think leave that between him and his partner to sort out. If the two of you want to move ahead and you are both aware of the risks and you still want to move ahead, then trust this. Sometimes it takes more trust to take a plunge like this that seems to go against the norm than it does to stick to your principles...

And as Mono said, it may be the very thing that this guy's partner needs to get her to see the hypocrisy of her actions... But then again who really knows???
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Old 07-18-2011, 02:08 PM
Thatgirl Thatgirl is offline
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Thanks everybody. The varying viewpoints have given me things to think on. I appreciate the time everyone took to give their answers.
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