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Old 07-16-2011, 07:44 PM
Red08 Red08 is offline
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Red face Common Mono Problem

Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum and to poly and like most people on here I'm having a hard time adjusting to being in a poly relationship. I am a mono woman married to a poly hubby, we've been together for 8 1/2 years and married for almost 6. Hubby realized he was poly about 5 years ago and since then I've been struggling with this change. I didn't acknowledge the change then because I thought it was a phase and I figured having a threesome would help it peeter out. Silly me. Instead the threesome made us as a couple stronger and only solidified his need to continue searching for a partner to add to our relationship. Yay!

So what's so bad about this? To this day, I still can't seem to get my shit together. I understand the fundamentals of being poly, we've spent countless hours, days, and nights talking about this, hubby has tried his very best to get me to understand his point of view and I get it. And I thought I had it until a few months ago when he found a girl, (K). They had this crazy animal, chemical attraction to each other, we 3 met up and had a crazy, wild, amazing night together. And I was cool, I didn't freak out, I let my inhabitions go and I went with the flow. The next day and the 2 weeks following they got together, a lot while I was at work, they didn't do anything sexual, but the whole time I was going crazy. I was starting to resent K for building a special relationship with hubby, it drove me crazy knowing that they were building that special connection that me and hubby have. I knew how sexually attracted they were to each other and I was afraid that she was taking the attraction away from hubby and I. Long story short, it didn't work out because I went crazy on the two of them and basically told her to leave us alone.

It's been almost a year and Im starting to see that she wanted to not only be involved with hubby, but also with me. But I ruined a rare and potentially beautiful thing because of my fear and insecurities. Hubby and I have grown since then and have decided to change tactics. The thing with K happened in a matter of a month, maybe not even that long, it's a little fuzzy for me. So in this next girl he found, (M) we are taking things slow. M is a sweet, sweet person, us 3 have hung out, in a non sexual manner, lol. Hubby and M haven't even talked much about poly, they've only hung out as friends twice, and this coming week will be the deciding factor if they will start dating. I'm liking this pace because I feel more involved, this is new for all of us, I'm not entering it in the middle after a relationship has been established. But my insecurities are coming back, I'm starting to think of it as him and her and not us and her. Which is the same thing I went through with K, How do I get past this? Hubby said that it would help if I start to picture them dating because it is a real possibility and sort out what makes me upset about that. I think it's important to note that I feel equal to M, I didn't feel that way about K, I was intimadated by her. M is alot like me so I feel like we could be really great friends.

I don't know if this time will be easier, I hope with the help of this forum and a lot of self searching that it will be. I should mention also, I'm 12 weeks pregnant, we just found out and are both scared shitless and ecstatic, this is our 1st one and a surprise at that. So not only am I more of an emotional person rather than a logical one my emotions are magnified by the hormones. lol. Hubby is doing his best to make sure I'm happy, and he does. But I can't hurt him again by going crazy, I've read up on some of the jealousy blogs and they are helping, but I still need some help, I have good days and bad days, How do I get my logical side to be equal with my emotional side? Logical is the one where I see poly clearly and happily. Emotional just makes me want to go wild and crazy....not in a flattering way.
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Old 07-16-2011, 10:09 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Hi Red, welcome to the forum.

The first thing that stands out for me in your situation is this: it isn't just "us" and "her," it is partly him and her! They have a relationship, you and she have a relationship. There will be things he and she share that you won't share with her. Why does it make you feel uncomfortable to know he has something going on with someone else that you don't? He has his own relationship with his mother, say, with his siblings, best friends, with colleagues, students, whatever. So will he have certain things going on with her that you can't share.

People that are unicorn hunting run into this all the time. (I did, back when my ex and I tried it.) The only thing to do is work on your compersion, the flip side of jealousy. Enjoy their burgeoning feelings of NRE, get vicarious pleasure from it, and reap the benefits of an excited husband who should bring some of that new energy home to you.

Secondly, however, I feel kind of an uh oh feeling that you are newly pregnant. During your pregnancy and the first year of your baby's life outside the womb (at least, more like first 3 years) you will both be consumed with your child, who will need round the clock care. Is there really time to spare caring for a new lover at the same time as caring for a new baby?
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving Pixie (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
"Master," (mono, M, 36), Pixie's Dom for 3+ years
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Old 07-17-2011, 12:04 AM
Red08 Red08 is offline
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Hi Magdlyn thanks for the welcome! I do understand that he and her will have a separate relationship, and hubby has used the same comparison as you have with that. Of course I don't get jealous when he builds relationships with other people. We're human, social creatures. I myself love building relationships with people. I guess the best way to describe why building one with a romantic interest makes me uncomfortable is because I'm not involved. We've always done everything together, we are attached at the hip, and me not being physically there while he explores this new relationship hurts.

And reaping the benefits of the NRE when he comes home, I love that idea, and I saw how happy he was last week after he hung out with her when he picked me up after work. Nothing changed, he had huge smile on his face when he saw me like he always does when he hasn't seen her. I loved that, it made me happy until I asked him how it went and he told me about it and I broke down crying. I felt horrible and in turn it hurt him to see that I was hurting. So I'm going to take your advice and reap the benefits of the NRE and get pleasure from it, enjoy it with him. Who knows, maybe she's into girls too.

He's stated so many times that I have no risk in this what so ever, that only he does. He says, if M doesn't work out he still comes home to me and is happy. And if she does work out, he still comes home to me and is happy. could he really be carrying all the risk in this? That's the way he see's it anyway and I wish I could believe him. I'm afraid I'm being a bit too cautious. Also, yes a baby will take up so much of our time as a couple, I tried to say that maybe this isn't a good time for "unicorn hunting"...love that term by the way! But he says that's just me finding an excuse to not facing the situation head on. And he's right, but we have till January to find out and if M is a great fit then she'll be handling the baby with us. I just always pictured hubby and I doing that together....strange how this makes me see everything so differently. Now if I can only see through my worry and jealousy to actually be happy with that possibility.
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Old 07-17-2011, 06:38 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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You say you are mono yet you have been looking for a woman to "bring into" your relationship. This woman is not a pet.... she is a person with her own life, her own friends, job, place to live. You would be "brought into" her life just as much. I don't get it. If you are mono, what are you doing hanging out with your partners girlfriends in such a way as to have sex with them and being attached to the relationship they have? Fun times those intro threesomes, but that is not a relationship, that is sport. If you are mono then maybe swinging would suit you better. He is poly, of course he is bound to fall in love and want a relationship and create a separate thing with her. That is what poly is about. Your relationship with her is separate also and can be cased on friendship.

Attached to the hip with partners in poly doesn't work all that well from my experience. I suggest that you see this differently. Any partner he has is not likely going to be another mumma to your baby. They will have their own relationship with your man and you will have a metamour relationship with her. Their relationship is separate and has nuances of its own. That has nothing to do with you. If you have a hard time with that, then at least realize that this is how it is for a vee, a triad even.... although you say you are mono I don't get that bit at all in your description. How are you mono if you feel you need to have a relationship with these woman sexually and otherwise?

As to the baby coming. Ya, I think if I were you I would have no expectation that she will help out and if he has a girlfriend then I would expect a significant amount of time will not with be you and baby as he will have THREE relationships to develop by then, not just with you but with gf and baby also...

yup, sounds like crazy days ahead. If I were you I would put poly on hold for at least a few years until the baby is settled, and you are too. You are about to embark on a HUGE change in your life, why complicate it with other women. This baby should be your project for now.

Take a look at some threads on "mono/poly" here. You can find them in a tag search. Maybe "unicorns" or "children" too.... have a look around there are some good bits of advice and good stories to read.
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Old 07-17-2011, 09:27 PM
Red08 Red08 is offline
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Hubby and I have talked about this too, the fact is I'm confused myself. I am poly curious, is the best I can describe it. The 2 times we've gotten close to entering the poly arena I had a sexual expeirence with both women. It just happened, we thought it would be easier to enter that way because I am attracted to both women and men. And it wasn't, so we are taking a different route. I guess I see myself as mono only because I'm having such a hard time with hubby having new relationships. It has been just us for 7 1/2 years after all, ignoring the 3 somes. And if I think about it logically I see the happiness that comes from being poly. And I see myself happy with hubby, the baby, and M. Not to mention, I feel like it's easier for him to enter a relationship since he's the one who isn't showing the pregnancy. I don't know of any guy or girl who wants to date a pregnant married woman...maybe I haven't been talking to the right people, but most mid 20 year olds that I know are still freaked out about marriage, let alone a baby. I hope I cleared that up a bit, even though I'm still confused as to what I am.

Also, I do realize that she is a person and that she and hubby would have their own relationship, i'm not naive in thinking they wouldn't. And I also know we would be entering her life as much as she's entering ours. Mentally it's easier for me to think that she would be entering into our lives because it feels like this is affecting us at the moment. And that's probably easier for me to say because M and I haven't gotten together 1 on 1 to talk about how she feels and how I feel. That one time hanging out all 3 of us wasn't enough time to get to really know her as hubby is doing. If she does agree to go with it when they talk this week, I'm hoping her and I can get together and get to know each other. The sooner the better I think. I think it's important for M and I to build a friendship type relationship, otherwise if we don't get along, this won't work. And I'm anxious to build that relationship. And I don't see her as another mom to the baby, she can be involved in that as much as she wants, it's too soon to contemplate I think. Or maybe not....

And I did mention to hubby about pausing the poly thing until we are settled with the baby, first 3 years or so. But he is so optimistic and so excited about combining all of these challenges together, he is convinced that it will make us as a couple stronger and if he and M turn into something real that it will bring them closer too. This is the man I love, always facing challenges ahead balls to the wall. Today he really made me believe that it could work, baby and all. And I'm still happy with that image. But I don't want to hurt M when hubby and I have to give all our attention to the little one and still work on our relationship. I don't think we know what's ahead of us, yes we hear what it's like to have a newborn, and how trying it is on the couple's relationship but it's our first so this expereince is all new. yes, I think we should put this on pause, I'm being cautious, for both M and us. But he is so happy with conquering this challenge, how can I convince him without it looking like I want to back out?

And yes, I'm searching the different threads, thanks for the tip, I'm sure they will help!
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Old 07-17-2011, 09:55 PM
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sage sage is offline
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Hi Red

I agree with everything the others have said but I am like you (kind of soft/mono, poly/friendly because of a poly partner, but would rather be mono). So I get it. We've tried the unicorn thing too and it didn't work for us.

You have a couple of things going for you. One is a that your husband seems very proactive, willing and able to manage his polyamory and keep you happy at the same time. This is a big plus. Sagency successfully manages polyamory with a mono wife and a baby. He wrote such a good post about it I have put it up on my blog (link in signature). They also have a baby, so it is possible. The other positive is that you are not hard-wired mono.

I know the pain of all this and I deeply sympathise. Unfortunately though I think we do have to confront the pain of exclusion, whether you end up in a triad or a vee. That's something I think you have to be mono and in love to understand. I don't think the polys get it. They are cool with their loves
having relationships that don't include them because they have other relationships too. We on the other hand have our heart and soul tied up with one person and there is basic pain around the fact that isn't reciprocated. Of course everyone has their own relationships but monos only naturally have one love relationship.
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Old 07-18-2011, 12:54 AM
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sagency sagency is offline
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Red08, it sounds an awful lot like you and hubby are handling his poly nature and your uncertain nature by forming a triad rather than a V. Figuring out your own nature will be vital if that's to succeed. Threesomes can be fun, but as RP points out, that's just sport fucking. Poly relationships are about actual emotional connections.

Is it possible you're poly? Sure. Every poly here has had to deprogram a lot of what we learned in society growing up. Gender preference (straight, bi, gay) gets a lot of media attention, so people generally have a simpler time (though not necessarily less traumatic) as they uncover their gender nature. The mono/poly issue is largely unexplored in popular culture until very recently, and even then it's often skewed (polygyny only or polys as swingers or cheaters). It's ultimately up to you and your journey to deprogram and decrypt your own nature.

On pausing:
Poly isn't like a video game or movie. There is no pause. What you can do is adjust your time management, but you can't turn poly off any more than you'd turn off being straight or gay. If hubby is already connected to M, then time management will really matter. If you get connected to M, time management will matter. When you have a baby that wakes up at 1 and 4 in the morning for food. there's tim... oh, you get the point.

On newborns:
Yes, a newborn will be a huge crush on your time. It'll b more important than ever that anyone involved have a plan, know the plan, and know their role in the plan. K and I try hard to hand of the baby as needed. Right now he's swinging in a jumper (a godsend) in the doorway while K is at the store. Trips to the store without baby are one of the ways we help her decompress. Pre-baby, I'd usually join her. Sometimes we all go. Today baby, L, L was fussy, and K's nerves wore out. So I watch him while she gets away. Normally we'd like the spend Sunday evenings at a poly potluck dinner.

Luckily, K is pretty wonderful with L. I mostly keep an eye on them to make sure she's not frazzled. This is very similar to how I handle things when it comes to being poly and K--try to make good choices but don't forget to keep an eye on things at home. K also knows to speak up if she ever needs anything related to poly or baby, but I try to surprise her with little signs of concern so she doesn't have to.

As far as wanting to date a pregnant married woman, I wanted to date K all through the pregnancy. Sure, married life is different than single life, but that doesn't mean that we have to stop dating just because we're married. Plus, pregnant women are extra curvy, and curvy is sexy. (Pukey and full of raging hormones is less sexy, but no one's perfect.)

Work on deprogramming and decrypting you. Work on a plan with hubby. Then consider how M fits into the plan. Maybe she wants only a peripheral role, maybe she'd enjoy a closer role. That's her decision to make as much as yours.
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