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  #11  
Old 07-18-2011, 01:25 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sagency View Post
People who are passionate can often sound harsh. The interwebs doesn't do a lot to mitigate that common reality. I'm sure the others would agree that we all speak from a place of love and caring even when we feel harsh might be best.

*hug*
Believe me, this thread was NOT harsh. If anyone thinks THIS thread was "harsh", just leave now.
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  #12  
Old 07-18-2011, 06:00 AM
Starstepher Starstepher is offline
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Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Believe me, this thread was NOT harsh. If anyone thinks THIS thread was "harsh", just leave now.
Understood.
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  #13  
Old 07-18-2011, 06:29 AM
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Sometimes radical honesty can sound harsh if it is something we don't want to hear. I struggle with that too some times. Please realize that there was no tone intended and no investment (at least on my part) in coming across as harsh.... we are all here to help one another and point out stuff that others close to us either can't or won't because they want us to still like them That is the beauty of this forum but also the challenge for those that spill their guts.

I think that this place is for people that want straight up questions and advice on the issues they are facing and for those who are willing to give it. If that is difficult either it isn't the place for you to open up so much, or maybe there is something there that you might need to look at about your situation... for me I find its the latter. If I am feeling that posts are harsh then I do my best to look at my own stuff before deciding that maybe the person writing has their own shit going on and I have just triggered something for them.

Keep at it, this stuff is hard! But so worth sorting out...
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  #14  
Old 07-18-2011, 06:43 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
Believe me, this thread was NOT harsh. If anyone thinks THIS thread was "harsh", just leave now.
Whoa there, speedo. I made no claim as to whether there was harshness--just reasserted that we pummel because we care.
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  #15  
Old 07-18-2011, 06:46 AM
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One of my personal rules is:
If someone calls you an asshole, the first thing you should do is ask, "Am I being an asshole?"
Sometimes the answer is, "Yes, you asshole."


So when it comes to posts that seem harsh, ask yourself, "why does it sound harsh, and is it because I'm being a fuck-up?"
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  #16  
Old 07-18-2011, 02:30 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by sagency View Post
Whoa there, speedo. I made no claim as to whether there was harshness--just reasserted that we pummel because we care.
If you read around on here you will see that this thread is mild by comparison with others.

Oh. and i don't mean "you" you, I mean "You" you.
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  #17  
Old 07-18-2011, 03:09 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I agree that one of the best things about this board is people are straight-up with you. If someone comes here just so that they can be agreed with because they're poly, then this is NOT the right place for that.

I think in this culture of telling everybody what they want to hear to get what you want... that honesty starts sounding harsh. Nobody wants to tell their story and then hear that maybe they're being selfish. But sometimes we need to hear that so that we can see what's really going on.

And, on the other hand, like RP said, sometimes people have their own stuff in there. I know that when it comes to honesty/lying/trust issues, I got a whole big bag of luggage that suddenly will open up and spill on the ground. Messy business, that. So sometimes you have to hear what people say-- measure it a little-- ask yourself the "asshole" question (LOL), and then move on from there.

Nobody ever grows without honestly looking at some hard questions, and the folks here are good at getting that to happen.
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  #18  
Old 07-18-2011, 05:29 PM
Starstepher Starstepher is offline
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I feel like being honest and showing disagreement can be done in a nice way. I wasn't expecting people to agree with me or tell me what I wanted to hear. I said from the beginning that I'm open and trying to grow and selfish. Admitting that I need to work on myself. But I feel like that went unnoticed. I ended up getting a few really helpful - AND nice - responses that were by no means telling me I was right.

Let's review:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Starstepher View Post
[*]I am open to a triad/polyfi if it's the right person
Sorry if I sound selfish or crazy or inarticulate, but I'm pretty open with how I feel and what I need and how I'm trying to grow
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Originally Posted by Starstepher View Post
I agree; it's not fair.
I'm not totally without fault here and I know it
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Originally Posted by Starstepher View Post
DH may indeed be mono, but that's something he has to find out for himself. ...And then I told him I was wrong, and he should be able to have the same openness in our relationship that he's giving me.
Even after realizing I was wrong, talking to DH, changing my mind...I still believe things could have been said nicer. After all that is when I got those posts. If someone's being an asshole to me, I wouldn't call them an asshole. I would tell them they weren't being nice. And then give them a hug because they probably need it.

I am sensitive, and I admit that. I was wrong, and I admit that too. But just because this thread was less harsh in comparison to other posts, doesn't mean it doesn't read harsh at all. And just because I called it harsh doesn't mean it's something I don't want to hear. I just feel like all people should speak respectfully to each other, even when they're wrong.

And for that reason, I probably will take NeonKaos's advice and not post again. I'll still read though, because you all still rock.

Love all around.
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  #19  
Old 07-18-2011, 05:42 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Starstepher View Post
I probably will take NeonKaos's advice and not post again.
You know that NK wasn't totally serious, right?

What exactly do you think was harsh? I just re-read this thread and didn't see anything harsh in it. Where was someone not being "nice?" Just some direct answers to your questions here. Isn't that what you wanted - answers?
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #20  
Old 07-18-2011, 05:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You know that NK wasn't totally serious, right?

What exactly do you think was harsh? I just re-read this thread and didn't see anything harsh in it. Where was someone not being "nice?" Just some direct answers to your questions here. Isn't that what you wanted - answers?
Yeah this!
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