How to think poly....

[idrider47]

Hi All
As always, excellent comments. You give us much to think about, which was part of what we were looking for.

The other part was practical examples of how others decide what to do with whom.

It seems that with a V like we have, with RBR as the hinge and E and Rider as the two sides, there is going to be overlap in activities (RBR doing something with one side of the V that the other side would have wanted to do with her instead.) A particular problem with annual events!

How does the hinge decided what to do with whom and when? It seems like a stressful spot to consantly ask her to chose between us....

We're looking for practical examples of how others have solved these issues to help us better understand what would be good for us....

Thanks in advance!

[redpepper]

You'll have to divide the time and accept that the arms of the vee won't get as much as they might be expecting. It works, but extended coinsideration is necessary. Meaning metamours have to be considerate to metamours and the hinge needs consideration also as they need their own time. On holidays it helps to be together as a tribe.

I talk a lot about how my life as a hinge livng with two men and having two other partners works. It might help to read my blog as of late. Its all practice really.

[sagency]

One thing to consider when looking at overlapping activities is to step back and really ask yourselves what's keeping you from all enjoying the activity. You might find that some of the things you see as a two-person event could be a three-person event for people bold enough to try it. (In your example, you talk about a race, but I don't quite follow why it has to be only two of you.)

Or you and E could just ditch RBR and go the race together. (Just kidding. )

[River]

When I have multiple Sweeties all up close, instead of scattered and far, I'm hoping that they will all like one another very much, as I suspect they will--because they're all awesome. Sure, I'd like to have some one-on-one time with each of them, but I'd also like us all to share meals and cooking together, go out and do things together, enjoy one another. I'm sure my sweeties will love one another once they get to know one another. I can't see it happening any differently, but I'll take it as it comes.

[GroundedSpirit]

Originally Posted by idrider47

............
And I completely agree, I don't want the hinge (RBR) to constantly have pressure like this, trying to decide who to do what with. This is what I don't understand. How do poly people do this successfully???

Hey Rider,

Well - again, like so many things that come up in a supposed 'poly' context, the 'how' of this is just a social skill we get better at with time. Hopefully !

Remember the kindergarten lesson - 'take turns' ? Sometimes that's what it comes down to. Once everyone gets over that fact that there IS some sharing going on here - the reality of that begins to sink in. That's where some of all this talk of 'communication' comes in. You gotta be talking things out. Plans, life, etc. making sure EVERYONE gets reminders that everyone is putting in the required effort for balance. Because it DOES take effort ! Until things have settled into an easy coasting pattern, you have to figure it out each time. And that won't happen automatically. Autopilot is non-existent here

That's why people mentioned the screwing it up 98% of the time at first. It's not because it's THAT difficult. Like I say - it's a basic social skill we probably learned in Jr High. What screws it up is we don't connect with the fact we HAVE to do it ! Especially when we've been spinning in a monogamous mode for years. So the ball gets dropped until too late. That's what happened in your example. RBR (for whatever reason) didn't think a race would be much of an attraction to you - so she never inquired. Then made an "uninformed" decision that then put her in a difficult spot ! We all know what "ASSume does - right ? Did it again.

So what can help in cases like this ?

A commitment to 'ask' next time, and that if there's a potential conflict of interest, then it's YOUR turn to be first in line That IS what is difficult about being a hinge, poly in general, etc. You gotta be thinking all the damn time about how everyone is going to be affected by what you say and do. The more connections, the more thought required. It's a lot of work and why most experienced people will tell you that in general, 3 people in a relationship is about all that most of us could manage fairly. And why some people give up poly entirely. They just aren't up for the task !

You're doing great - hang in there !

GS