Telling older children...worried!

[River]

Originally Posted by calypsoblu

What would you do in this situation? How would you handle it?

He's still quite young, and only really on the cusp of adulthood. I'd talk to him about it as such, and treat him like a nearly grown up child who has needs and wants relative to that age.

I'd stand my ground firmly while letting him know that I'm sensitive to his feelings and thoughts, fears and hopes, or whatever. And I'd encourage him to talk openly about his feelings, worries....

I'd speak from my heart about my own needs, concerns, fears, worries..., and let him know that while I deeply respect my son's needs and wants, I'm going to have to live my own life as I see fit, it being my own life after all. But I'd also be clear that I have empathy and compassion for my son in this situation.

Much depends on whether he generally has treated you with respect and consideration. If not, some of the above may need slight modification. You may have to tell him to stay out of your business and insist that he treat all of the family with respect, even if it isn't felt on his part. In this way, you'd definitely be treating him like a child, rather as a young adult.

[calypsoblu]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Wait a minute - your son moved out, found the world a tough place, was graciously invited to move back home by you... AND has the audacity to talk shit to you about how you live your life? He'd be out on his ass in a heartbeat if he were my son and did that to me. But then again, I was a teenager in the 70s and we were expected to be self-sufficient by 18. The first decent paying job I had, at age 16, and I was required by my mother to contribute financially for groceries, household, etc. I moved out at 18 and came back for a bit, too, but giving her lip would not be tolerated. Once we had a fight and I stayed two weeks in a motor inn until I apologized (I was 19). If not for that cultivation of independence, I couldn't have moved to NYC at age 23 to be on my own. I have little tolerance for the brattiness and sense of entitlement I see in teenagers today. Not saying he is like that, but that's the culture of his peers, and it seems to have rubbed off on him.

Remember, he's not a kid you have to take care of anymore. He's an adult grubbing off of you. If he's that disrespectful, it means he is ungrateful. Not only should he be paying you rent, he should keep his judgments and opinions to himself.

I sincerely hope he doesn't have you doing his laundry, too.

WOW, thanks sooo much for replying to my post NYC, I was starting to wonder if I was justified in feeling EXACTLY as you have posted... you know, the part about me letting him come back to the home and by the way, you hit the nail on the head, he dont pay shit around here, he dont help, nothing.... in fact, you are right, he is an adult grubbing off of us.. last night was frustrating as hell, he had the audacity to bitch and complain that one of his friends parents (said friend is 19, and no job, but living at mommy n daddys home still) keep hardly any food in the house and how thats not right, etc... I kindly reminded him, like myself, his friends parents are not under any legal obligation to provide for the now adult child... he became angry with me.

Every evening for the past couple of weeks I have dreaded the time that my son comes home.. in fact I hope every night that he comes in after my loving guys are home, because it means his (the sons) mouth remains firmly closed when the guys are around...usually. I hate that my son obviously does not love me enough to only care about my happiness whatever that may be... but it is the way it is.. I will continue to enjoy my life for the good things I have and the wonderful men that I am so lucky to have share my life... as for the son, I think it is getting to be time that he move on to his own place...

Thanks for putting that into perspective NYC...

[calypsoblu]

Originally Posted by River

He's still quite young, and only really on the cusp of adulthood. I'd talk to him about it as such, and treat him like a nearly grown up child who has needs and wants relative to that age.

I'd stand my ground firmly while letting him know that I'm sensitive to his feelings and thoughts, fears and hopes, or whatever. And I'd encourage him to talk openly about his feelings, worries....

I'd speak from my heart about my own needs, concerns, fears, worries..., and let him know that while I deeply respect my son's needs and wants, I'm going to have to live my own life as I see fit, it being my own life after all. But I'd also be clear that I have empathy and compassion for my son in this situation.

Much depends on whether he generally has treated you with respect and consideration. If not, some of the above may need slight modification. You may have to tell him to stay out of your business and insist that he treat all of the family with respect, even if it isn't felt on his part. In this way, you'd definitely be treating him like a child, rather as a young adult.

Wise thoughts too, Thanks River!

For a little back ground history, my son has never been the most respectful to me while I was raising him anyhow, so he is merely continueing the behavior that he has always had toward me. Mind you, I have stuggled for years to correct his behavior and so has my hubby over the years, it is lately since the boy has gotten a gf and thinks he knows all the answers to life and that I should live my life as he sees fit, not how I see fit.

I do think we are at the point that next time his mouth gets to running like the dogs bowels after eating pork.... I may not be able to refrain from getting quite mean while saying it is none of his damn business... I do see your point about treating him as a child, I really dont want to have to do that, however, I fear he leaves me no choice due to his lack of respect for those living in the household and our relationships with eachother. Personally, I dont really care if he ever accepts this triad, it is not his life, it is mine and my partners lives to live and deal with... just wish the boy understood it is not really his place to make decisions for me regarding my life or to make waves in the life I choose to live.

[MichelleZed]

More young people are living at home these days as work is getting a bit more scarce... it's not just your son.

What needs to be addressed the most is next time he says his friends don't approve of triads. Well, he needs to know that you don't really care what his friends think of anything, because they don't rule your life.

Teenagers are always very concerned about what their friends think, and it's part of growing up to stop caring about your peer's opinions and do what you want.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by MichelleZed

More young people are living at home these days as work is getting a bit more scarce... it's not just your son.

Perhaps, but that doesn't mean they have any excuse for not conducting themselves as responsible adults and giving their fair share of time, energy, and money into the household. Parents do not have an obligation to take their offspring back in (I say "offspring" because they are no longer children) and support them just because things are tough. If they do take them back in, it should ideally be negotiated as two parties of adults with rules and/or a time limit agreed to, with a goal of them working toward their own independence and showing respect for the people whose home they have come back into.

[Somegeezer]

As a teen myself [19], I'd like to chip in. First off, the teen bashing is great. =P Even I've been guilty of acting that way at times, though I always try better myself. I won't let nature win. =] I live with my mum and she does wash my clothes, mainly just out of making it easier. There are 4 of us in the house. Together, our clothes actually make enough worth washing. Without, we would need at least a weeks worth of dirty clothes each to wash our own, and that would be assuming they were all in the same wash [colours, whites, certain odd materials]. So I don't feel that really hinders my life in the future. It helps that I do know how to wash my clothes.
Generally food is bought for me, by both my mum and my partner. I do like to cook myself though. Especially when in this house. My partner often enjoys cooking at her house... But back to the main topic at hand...

Tell your children. Straight up. Answer their questions. I think if they weren't brought up with it, or haven't known about it all their lives [the latter of which I find bizarre if you've been poly all their lives], they may find it hard. But if they can't be respectful of your choices, they would certainly be gone from my house.

[River]

Originally Posted by MichelleZed

Teenagers are always very concerned about what their friends think, and it's part of growing up to stop caring about your peer's opinions and do what you want.

I can't agree with this. Growing up doesn't mean that one stops caring about the opinions of others (peers or otherwise), it means one has their own center, their own being, their own strength and commitments..., and is thereby able to
respect and appreciate the opinions of others, take them in, and accept or reject them, apply them or refuse them.

[MichelleZed]

Originally Posted by River

I can't agree with this. Growing up doesn't mean that one stops caring about the opinions of others (peers or otherwise), it means one has their own center, their own being, their own strength and commitments..., and is thereby able to
respect and appreciate the opinions of others, take them in, and accept or reject them, apply them or refuse them.

Oh, fine, if you want to be all flowery about it.

[River]

People who don't care about the opinions of others are people I avoid as much as humanly
possible. They are scary.

[redpepper]

I just came back from poly camp where I met lots of kids of poly parents. One of the older ones told me that he number one bit of advice was to not try and pull the wool over the eyes of kids. The best thing her parents ever did was fess up to what was going on for them.