Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-18-2009, 02:33 AM
playfulgirl32217 playfulgirl32217 is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 2
Default Time Frame?

I'm just wondering what is the time frame on being comfortable with all of this. My partner and I (or former partner I guess I should say now) started out with just being able to sleep with other people since April. So about 7 months. We are swingers too since last January. Sex in front of me was never an issue but when I found out that he cheated on me in April I proposed an open relationship. I have battled with it ever since. About a month and a half ago he told me he wanted to open our relationship up to have actual emotional relationships with other people. Since then he has met three different girls and I've reacted badly to too.

Can someone help me please? I try to reassure myself and sometimes I can but I'm just wondering... Does this end? Is it just that I'm not poly and I'm trying to be OK with it for his sake? Can anyone tell me how long it took you to accept all of this??
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-18-2009, 03:05 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 4,818
Default

Um, cheating changes the WHOLE dynamic. In order to have a "polyamory" (see multiple LOVES relationship) one must be able to LOVE one person first. Cheating is not loving.
If someone is cheating they aren't loving themselves-someone who loves themself is able to be honest and true about who they REALLY are. Cheating is in and of itself being dishonest and untrue about who you really are. If you can't love yourself-you can't possibly love someone else (which is necessary for a monogomous relationship) and if you can't do BOTH of those it's IMPOSSIBLE to truly love yet more people.

You need to address truth, honesty and realism in your relationship before you can even START to address trust and polyamory inthe relationship.
How long that takes depends entirely on how well you each handle that responsibility.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-18-2009, 03:09 AM
playfulgirl32217 playfulgirl32217 is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 2
Default

well we didn't know about polyamory then or about open relationships. so the cheating part i understand. it was really hard to get past the issues with that. but i trust him and i know he's honest with me about everything. the trust/honesty part is really not what concerns me. the fear of loss/general feeling of uncomfortableness to the point of panicking when he's with someone else for no good reason is what i'm wondering when it goes away or how long it takes to get past them.

is this normal to feel this way? how long did it take you to become comfortable with your partners being poly?
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-18-2009, 03:26 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 4,818
Default

Neither of my partners are poly. I am and they are only JUST getting into it. I didn't "come out" until September 25th about being poly. AND I cheated-which is exactly why I brought that up.

As for the others stuff-communication isn't what the average person thinks it is-it'smuch more complicated.
There is a thread on that... I think on the general forum and there is a post from Ceoli this week that pertains to your question as well. So if you do a search for posts by Ceoli in the last week-you can find a link on dealing with poly... the info is on... xeromag.com I am pretty sure. GREAT info there on dealing with this stuff and also on lovemore.com.

It can go fast-or really slow or never all depending on your willingness (and his/hers) to really go deep in yourself and find the TRUE issues that cause your jealousies and insecurities.

Also-do a search for posts by Mono, Maca, Lovingradiance. You'll find a lot of current helpful details in that as well. Gets tiring to rewrite (and less clear) but there are discussions on exactly this-so do the search. I'll see if I can find the communication one and link it... give me 5 min...
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-18-2009, 03:31 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 4,818
Default communication info great thread

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=255

start here! Great info. Let me know if you have questions-I take private messages from anyone-all the time!
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-18-2009, 03:46 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 4,818
Default Bad Poly

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1164

Another great thread-it's more about bad poly/good poly behavior-but it does pertain to some of what you asked.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-18-2009, 03:50 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 4,818
Default Another good one

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1155

10 realistic rules for good poly relationships. Like I said-lots of good helpful info in here.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-18-2009, 03:54 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 4,818
Default Two Threads by Maca

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=890

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=989

Maca is struggling a LOT with our newly poly-relationship. We've been married 10 years, together 11 and my affair was with my current boyfriend-GreenGecko. Long story-well covered again between my early posts and Maca's.

Let me know if you have other questions!
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-18-2009, 07:08 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

I propose that LR officially be appointed this website's reference librarian.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-18-2009, 01:23 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

I propose (redux) that if someone manages to find this site, they should also have no problems finding information CONTAINED on this site.

I have been told that I overestimate people in regard to this, yet I continue to maintain the validity of the above statement.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:25 PM.