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Old 07-12-2011, 10:26 PM
constlady constlady is offline
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Default Well I called it

That doesn't make it easier to deal with but I can say I did see it coming.

We both met him at about the same time - me, long time poly identified, same as he said he was; her - just out of a long term marriage and thinking poly sounded like a good thing to try.

As things progressed and she continually came up with excuses not to meet me, my alarm bells began to go off. He of course continued to reassure that she was really fine with it all, just had some series of crises occuring that interferred with her ability to connect with me. And my own insanely busy schedule didn't help much either but at least twice she canceled on a proposed meeting.

About 6 months into it, she abruptly ended communication with him and after several painful days he was told that she had decided to be monogamous with another lover in her life. I of course soothed and commiserated and felt terrible more for the immature way she had handled her choice and how that had impacted him than for what the actual choice was.

3 weeks later, she couldn't live without him in her life.

At this point the bells became a screaming siren and I had a serious talk with him about my concerns. Explained the phenomenon known as "cowboy" or "cowgirl" and that I was concerned that she truly did want a monogamous relationship and was simply using various means of manipulation to achieve that with him. He again reassured me that he was not going to become monogamous and that my place in his life was secure.
Not particularly convinced perhaps I began to put up some walls of my own but did continue with the relationship.

His time became more constrained with other activities and often our time together suffered while he spent his focus other places. I requested a weekend getaway for the two of us to reconnect several times and he agreed that it was a good idea but he never would give me a free time in his schedule to plan it.

It took another couple of months before she finally showed for a meeting with me, where she was pleasant and seemed at ease with the situation - perhaps in hindsight because my other partner also was there and it felt more like 2 couples hanging out then the reality of her partner's other partner sitting across the table from her.
The next day, I sent a friend request on facebook to her, which was never acknowledged.

Within 2 weeks we were no longer dating.

He claimed we had begun to distance; I felt a good part of that was his inaccessibility to spend any real time together. When confronted with his inability to find the time to connect with me, then it became an issue of communication.

We let it go, both knowing that at this stage, blame was pointless and the connection between us, which had become much deeper after their initial break up, had definitely become strained.

Today he changed his status from "its complicated" to being "in a relationship" with her.
Since FB won't allow multiple relationships to be named, it's pretty much a statement of monogamy on his part.

Sometimes it sucks to be right.

Last edited by constlady; 07-12-2011 at 10:29 PM.
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  #2  
Old 07-12-2011, 10:35 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Are you looking for a discussion or would this be better suited to Life Stories and Blogs?
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  #3  
Old 07-12-2011, 10:46 PM
constlady constlady is offline
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I had thought perhaps others had experienced the "roping one out of the herd" syndrome and would care to discuss it.

Hadn't realized that without a question at the end, the post didn't belong on a discussion board....
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Old 07-12-2011, 11:04 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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No issue; we can leave it in GD. That's why I was asking.
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Old 07-13-2011, 12:30 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Painful as it is, it does let you know that he's not cut out for anything poly.

It also highlights that warning signs are to be heeded and a full stop called if somebody isn't addressing the issues in a timely and serious fashion. If he suddenly has no time and refuses to make time and then avoids dealing with the issue by claiming false issues at hand, it's time to call things to a halt until the problem is dealt with. Even though that can be painful and speed the relationship's end, it's usually better to be the person taking action than the person getting slowly dropped.
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Old 07-14-2011, 05:29 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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That sucks... sorry to hear this.

It sounds like his last ditch effort to make it work with her to me. Can you wait it out? Or are you done?
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Old 07-15-2011, 02:12 AM
constlady constlady is offline
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I'm pretty sure I'm done rp. Usually I'm pretty good (many times too good) at giving second chances but in this case I don't see that happening.

Perhaps I'm becoming a bit jaded but at this stage of my life, I know who I am and how things work and if my partner can't take my concerns about another relationship seriously enough to at least try to work through them together, I'm far less inclined to keep investing myself in the relationship.
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Old 07-15-2011, 09:29 AM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Hugs!
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