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  #101  
Old 07-18-2011, 04:21 PM
jrrmjr820 jrrmjr820 is offline
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I try to be nice and thanks for the well wishes for us, we are taking things slowly. I will definitely keep reading.
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  #102  
Old 07-18-2011, 04:22 PM
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Consider a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist.

Also, if she has seen a therapist and is still having trouble, consider seeing a different one. They're each unique in their skills, insights, and techniques, and sticking with one that isn't working might be as much about the doctor as the patient.

*hug*
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  #103  
Old 07-18-2011, 04:42 PM
RobertCourage RobertCourage is offline
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Good advice but it's the old 'you have to admit you have a problem' issue. She would never think she needs a psychiatrist. And what's worse is that she loves her psychologist. I am thinking that if I can get a joint session with the current psychologist I can breach subjects like 'what else can we do' without seeming threatening.

I really want to thank you all. I have no one in the world that I can talk to about this problem and you have all been so great. I would be lost without you. Well, I am lost but I would be more lost
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  #104  
Old 07-18-2011, 04:47 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sagency View Post
Consider a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist.
Why? So they can prescribe? That's not always best. I think it's the rapport, methodology, and caring of the therapist that is most important. You can have very intense and healing therapy without medication.

Mine was a very experienced therapist but not a doctor - she has an MSW. But when she told me she wanted me to take antidepressants, I found a psychiatrist to prescribe, and just saw him for med management. The meds (SSRIs) were not good for me, though, and I stopped taking them. Instead, I went to the health food store and began taking 5-HTP, which the doc also approved of as an alternative. Much better results! But I discovered that remedy through a professor of mine who is a clinical psychologist and recommended it to me.

My point is, there are wonderful therapists out there who are not shrinks (my therapist from years ago was a Reverend and the best I ever could've asked for - saw him for about 6 or 7 years). If you haven't seen good results with her current one, ask for recommendations from people you know.
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  #105  
Old 07-18-2011, 04:53 PM
RobertCourage RobertCourage is offline
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It's too soon to say if we need to change. She went to one session and has another this week. At the one session what I undrstans was discussed is that my wife needs to 'work on herself' and that while doing so 'have fun with the threesome'. No feedback on the relationship between her and T. Who knows what will come from this weeks session.

I am 60 percent committed to keep trying. But honestly, 40 percent of me wants to walk and let her take the time to see what she wants. And when I say walk I mean move out. Then I become the weekend dad and she can have all the fereedom she wants. It's hard to not be bitter or angry. I am trying so hard to control emotions. But i wear my heart on my sleeve so its a real challenge.
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  #106  
Old 07-18-2011, 04:58 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by RobertCourage View Post
Then I become the weekend dad and she can have all the fereedom she wants.

If this were to happen, she'd have LESS freedom instead of more, and YOU would actually have MORE freedom than you had before, because she'd have to be there for the kids DURING THE WEEK and you'd get happy-fun-Dad-time then send the kids back to her.

Does she not realize this, or is the scenario you described YOUR vision?
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  #107  
Old 07-18-2011, 05:09 PM
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sagency sagency is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Why? So they can prescribe? That's not always best. I think it's the rapport, methodology, and caring of the therapist that is most important. You can have very intense and healing therapy without medication.
I understand you point, NYC, perhaps you might consider mine. Don't leave anything off the table. Perscription meds, homeopathic remedy, another therapist...

I personally do not like medications, but I know for some they help. (If a doctor throws pills at you as a fix, be very careful though--pills may be easy, but they're often not an answer just a leg up while addressing the real problems.)

The worst therapist I ever had was a psychiatrist. The best was a psychologist. But that doesn't mean I should let that personal anecdotal evidence bias my suggestions when offering ideas as to what might help RC's wife.

My concern is that no matter how much RC's wife adores her therapist, if wifey is still going off the deep end, then perhaps the therapist is not as effective as needed. RC joining in some sessions is a good start and may be all that's needed, but let's not be blind to the idea that wifey might benefit from a change or tactics.
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  #108  
Old 07-18-2011, 06:11 PM
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It might be helpful if she came here too. I would be interested to hear her aide of this and who knows, those who have been through this could help her and therefore you amd your family. Is it possible for her to read some stuff here?
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  #109  
Old 07-18-2011, 06:16 PM
RobertCourage RobertCourage is offline
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Regarding the freedom comments, heres some data to help clarify the picture.

How things are today (and have been for a while) - I travel Monday through Thursday. I am typically home Friday through Sunday. When needed I modify my schedule to support the family (big events. Important doctors visits. Etc.). When I am home I do all I can to help with the kids, the chores etc. I think that is my responsibility and I dont mind doing it.

I asked my wife if she wanted me to find a job where I would be home more. This would mean less in one and more time for her to deal with me. Her decision was to have things stay the way they are because it keeps me out of her hair and gives her time to be with T and keeps our financial situation stable So given that decision I have a hard time with her complaining about a lack of support.

If I move out (separation) I don't know where I would go. Probably her parents house or a cheap rental. She would still have the kids all week while i travel. Then I would come home and take ownership of the kids b would likely have to be at the house to do so (since the house would still need maintenance - grass, pool, cleaning, etc.). So she would have to disappear on the weekends while I was home taking care of things. And I would then leave at night and go sleep somewhere else. That would be the arrangement. So the freedom she would gain is when I am home and she is not on the weekends. Her Monday through Thursday would be the same (which sucks during summer but summer only has 7 weeks left). Then the kids go back to school and her days become a little easier.

So there's no easy answer to the logistics of this. And the impact on the kids is paramount. This is when I wonder if separation makes sense. My repsonsibilities at home remain unchanged, the kids are deeply affected and my wife's week is unaffected. Which means it's almost easier for me to suck it up, stay at home, keep the kids oblivious, and occasionally have nice moments with my wife (and occasionally want to die because of the impossibility of the situation)


Sorry for the long note. I am at work and my brain is going a mile a minute and that's reflected here!
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  #110  
Old 07-18-2011, 06:21 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I'm sorry I just don't get it. Doesn't she want to spend time with the kids? They are hers aren't they? I thought the bond btwn mother and child was supposed to be stronger than any other bond known to humankind.
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