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Old 07-17-2011, 11:14 PM
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sagency sagency is offline
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Location: U.S. Pacific Northwest
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It sounds like a psychiatrist is in order.

If you have family in the area, you may want to enlist their help with the kids. A nanny or au pair would be a good idea in any case. That person could help the wife if she overwhelmed. And let's be frank, if the wife bolts or RC needs to move on, having a nanny in place already would make the transition easier.

I can see why you're so frustrated, RC. It's not sounding like she's giving you any breaks.

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Old 07-18-2011, 02:44 AM
RobertCourage RobertCourage is offline
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Posts: 68

Thanks for the responses. I do think there's depression/mid life crisis going on here. She is seeing a counselor. I asked her to ask the counselor this week if itnwould be ok if I joined a session (she had been our marriage counselor in the past ). I don't think she can work through her depression/search for happiness completely independently. I think I need to have a small part in that process.

In terms of the rest of today, I disengaged and cleaned the house, yard, pool etc. She found me and apologized and said she's just feeling crappy and she will be ok. Up and down up and down. So hard to deal with.
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Old 07-18-2011, 06:18 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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She came home and wasn't rejuvenated? That could be a number of things. She could be overwhelmed by the massive amounts of energy it takes to control her emotions, she could have a hard time transitioning from one place to another, she could be feeling guilty, resentful and yes, depressed...

I totally remember what all of those felt like. I went through all of that. I thought I was going in sane. I needed an hour to come home and ease back into my home life when Mono and I were in my first year. I would come home grumpy and miserable just because I had had a nice rest, and was back to the reality of my home life... I needed transition time. It felt like I hated being at home until about an hour passed and then I was fine again. I negotiated an hour of no family responsibility when I came home in order to facilitate the change. It really helped a lot!
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Old 07-18-2011, 02:14 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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She should also have a full medical checkup. Make sure she has her thyroid function checked. Low thyroid is common in mothers and can really cause some problems.


Feeling tired, weak, or depressed.
Dry skin and brittle nails.
Not being able to stand the cold.
Memory problems or having trouble thinking clearly.
Heavy or irregular menstrual periods.

Your kids are in school. Off for the summer now so she has to spend time entertaining them? Seems to me a full time mom with school aged kids would usually have lots of time to herself during the day normally.

And I know youre away during the week, but you seem to do a lot on the weekends, cleaning and kid care? Glad she's in therapy. Get the physical stuff checked too. Adding a bf now seems more like a bandaid for her issues, a kind of running away from responsibility, not a healthy choice for now.

Even if the sex is great for all concerned...
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
In a newish relationship with Steve, (34, poly, my Top)
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 3 years
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Old 07-18-2011, 03:16 PM
RobertCourage RobertCourage is offline
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Yes, you have the story correct. School age kids home for the summer and me traveling. She has part time job to basically get out of house. Also gives her an excuse when she wants to meet with him. When school was going on, she had more flexibility and freedom. Now that it's summer she is freaking out.

Her time with T was supposed to be fun but she Thinks she's in love. I have a hard time with this. He doesn't have a home (shares an apartment and sleeps on a couch), he has no responsibilities. He works the night shift and makes very little money. So my wife is running away from the person who teamed with her to create a family and a life to a guy who is basically a child. (he is 12 years younger). Its like my wife is trying to start life over but has these annoying kids and husband in the way.

I am stuck. Either I stay and work through all the paIn. Or I leave and start my life over. Too hard a decision. It's killing me.
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Old 07-18-2011, 03:40 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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She may want an escape, but she's not really running away, and it does sound like she's overwhelmed or suffering from some medical or emotional issue and needs some sort of remedy. Why would you leave her now when she needs you most? You haven't had to deal with this for very long - are you that impatient and short-fused? Therapy, a physical exam, support -- all better ideas to help this situation. My ex moved out when I was dealing with depression and it made it worse for me. Much, much worse - I was nearly suicidal and there I was with no one! Don't do that to her.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-18-2011 at 03:43 PM.
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Old 07-18-2011, 03:51 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Location: new england
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I wish you could make her snap back to reality. Now knowing the boyfriend's age and the way he lives, as well as having clarification about the ebb and flow of your family schedule, makes me a bit concerned that your wife has distorted perspective and is not "in love" but is using the boyfriend as a "vacation" from her life.

I understand that people do this, but it only works when you say to yourself "This is part of my life, and in order to keep it, I have to make sure I tend to the other parts of my life."

Sure, I could say "Screw the cats. I'm tired of shoveling shit. I'm letting them all outside and they can catch rodents or birds if they want to eat, or let the neighbors feed them. I gave the past X number of years of my life to the cats; if they didn't have me all that time they would be worse off than they are now. I'm done taking responsibility for the choices I made that put me where I am today. I have this cute guy with a big dick waiting for me and we're going camping. See you when I see you."

But I don't.

Instead, I say "I'm going to take care of the cats and make sure they have everything they need before I go out with someone. Then I can relax and enjoy my time off knowing that when I get home, the cats will be waiting for me and we'll be glad to see each other."

I would never think about running out to see my boyfriend and expect my husband to take care of the cats because I couldn't be bothered to do so. This is what is colloquially known as "Being a Grown-up and Taking Care of Your Grown-up Business™". If you want to act like a child, expect to be treated like one.
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Old 07-18-2011, 03:56 PM
RobertCourage RobertCourage is offline
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Posts: 68

This isn't the first time she fell in love with someone else because of her being overwhelmed. It happened a couple of years ago too.

I don't know how I can continue to find the strength to give her everything she asks for and get all kinds of pain in return. Maybe her psychogjst will help. Maybe not. I know I feel pain all the time and that can't lAst forever. I keep trying and here I am still trying to make it work. But it's fucking hard
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Old 07-18-2011, 04:15 PM
jrrmjr820 jrrmjr820 is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 120

Hi, RC, I have been reading these posts for several days now as my husband and I embark on our journey to see if poly will work for us or not. I just want to say that you really sound like you could use a good hug and a shoulder to cry on. Obviously, Imcan't do that in person but I can do it figuratively. Just keep on posting and working and trying. If this doesn't work out for you guys, just remember that you have wonderful children that will need you to be strong for them.*hugs*
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Old 07-18-2011, 04:20 PM
RobertCourage RobertCourage is offline
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Posts: 68

Thanks Jrrmjr. You are right. I could use a hug. You seem very nice and I hope things work out for you guys. Keep reading as I keep posting so you can learn from our mistakes!
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