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  #11  
Old 11-18-2009, 01:29 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Sending a newcomer off to find information on their own and chastising anyone who doesn't take such initiative just because they're capable and offering suggestions for where to look have two very different effects on how welcoming a place may seem. Personally, I generally prefer the latter situation in any community I join.
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  #12  
Old 11-18-2009, 01:37 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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All I'm saying is that there are sticky notes to get newcomers pointed in the right direction. When I was new here, I didn't expect the "Welcome wagon", and wasn't offended that someone didn't take me by the hand and give me a guided tour. There were far fewer resources compiled by other members, and I still managed to find things on my own. Yet, I do participate in adding information to sticky threads and suggesting links. It just seems like sometimes people want others to be interested in their situation but do not want to put forth the effort to reciprocate.

Like I said, I overestimate people.
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  #13  
Old 11-18-2009, 01:40 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Perhaps people consider reciprocation in other ways. Just because it happens in different languages than yours doesn't mean that it doesn't happen.

And nobody needs to expect a welcome wagon. It just so happens that one as a more welcoming effect than the other. For some people that's important. For other people, reading the stickies are important. No need for one to chastise the other. Just sayin.
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  #14  
Old 11-18-2009, 03:18 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Default Meanwhile, back at the ranch . . .

Playfulgirl, a couple of things:

You will never fix a troubled relationship by adding complications to it, and polyamory is complex.

If you want to find a path to healing in your relationship(s), you and your partner need to discover and address the issues that lead up to the cheating, deal with and heal the wounds, and find solid ground for the both of you before introducing additional lovers into the situation. If one or both of you are not ready or willing to do the work needed to set things back on a healthy path, then, sadly, it's time to cut your losses and move on.

Also: I get the impression, you think polyamory is a form of swinging; it is radically different. Poly is WAY more than sex, and swinging is basically JUST sex. Polyamory involves loving, involved romantic relationships between multiple adults. Poly is based in honesty, love, and respect for all parties concerned. Swinging is just fucking around, IMO.
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  #15  
Old 11-18-2009, 03:52 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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playfulgirl,

it sounds like your relationship barely has a footing at this point. Swinging degrades connection in relationships as giving away our bodies to strangers for them to masturbate into and others to watch while someone does that, does nothing for self esteem and a feeling of togetherness with ones partner. I say this as I have been there. I didn't realize it at first, but swinging damaged me in ways I didn't realize until much later. If you are a person who can somehow waltz through having meaningless sex with others just to get off then all the power to you. I personally think no one really can. But that is just my opinion. I see it as our cultures way of continuing the cycle of using and abusing women and objectifying them. We seem to be more and more self indulgent in the sexual realm and swinging just personifies that. It's all about "me" rather than "us" or "others."

Poly is about love and respecting others, bringing people into the folds of a similar way of being, values and core beliefs. It has little to do with sex and everything to do with daily life, community, chosen family, integrity, honesty and complete openness and really having ones shit together.

It sounds like you and your partner have a lot to learn and I would suggest that both of you not see anyone until you have your relationship back on course. If a primary relationship is not strong, and I mean ROCK SOLID! then the whole structure will collapse and people will get hurt.

Your man seeing several women right away sends of huge red flags for me that he has lost connection with you and is actually just trying to find someone else. I would ask him to spend his time giving you attention and reconnecting rather than dating anyone right now. I would also spend some time healing from all your swinging and really checking in with yourself to make sure there has been no adverse affect on your sense of self worth. You need to really love yourself before going into poly. You need to love yourself in order to love others to your full potential.

I agree with the idea that you will need to do a whack load of research on this before even considering trying out poly. You've got a lot of work to do. Go do it.
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  #16  
Old 11-18-2009, 04:20 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Playful,

Yea - all change takes time and it seems to happen gradually.
The honesty you spoke of is the critical component. The more you experience this and find (hopefully) positive side effects for you both, the more it will feel natural and a time may come you can't remember any other way.
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  #17  
Old 11-19-2009, 12:02 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I propose that LR officially be appointed this website's reference librarian.

Thanks?
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  #18  
Old 11-19-2009, 01:21 PM
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bookworm bookworm is offline
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I completely agree with RedPepper. The primary relationship needs to be strong and solid before you add other relationships into it. Poly is difficult at best and altho very worth it, you need to go into it with your eyes open and be willing to work for it. Having a strong relationship to begin with is the only way to start. And it sounds to me like your guy isn't ready by any means, but I could be wrong. Its been known to happen.
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