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  #11  
Old 07-08-2011, 05:22 PM
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JameeDee JameeDee is offline
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[q]do you and anyone else for that matter think it will ruin the relationship if my hope continues to be that my gf and I get back together monogamously?[/q]

Ruin which relationship? You and your gf? NO Your GF and HER GF? So what? This girl doesn't even want to meet you. She already thinks you are manipulating her? Didn't she know you were in the picture when she signed up for this? Sorry to sound negative, but you have to worry about you and stop worrying about this other chick.

[q]My gf knows that's what I want and she says that she will be mono if the other relationship does not last[/q]
What I get from this is: your girlfriend is just hanging on to you "in case" this other arrangement doesn't work? Is that right? Please tell me that is not the case.
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  #12  
Old 07-08-2011, 05:40 PM
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Good question, didn't realize it might have read this way. My gf says she wants the rest of her life with me if this woman stays or goes. She says that she wishes this had not happened and that if there was a way to break up with this woman without hurting her she would. I do believe that she loves me, needs me and wants me forever at this point. So, no, if I thought that for a second I would have run. I think she is trying really hard with this woman to make it work where it does not. This woman and I are very very different people. I feel sex is spiritual. I would be fine if she was in this relationship with this woman and there was no sex, I would be fine with kissing, sleeping, hugging, but no sex. I would prefer sex was between us only. I know that is absurd and not reasonable but I'm just putting it out there that my gf knows at least I could deal with that with no problem and no need to meet the other woman. Does that make sense? THanks again for your time and help. It means so much.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 07-11-2011 at 01:08 AM.
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  #13  
Old 07-08-2011, 05:52 PM
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JameeDee JameeDee is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by floundering View Post
She says that she wishes this had not happened and that if there was a way to break up with this woman without hurting her she would.
I don't think there is ever a way to break up with someone without hurt feelings. It is the nature of the beast. She can do her best to soften the blow, but I guarantee feelings will be hurt.

I think your wish to have a fluid-bond with your gf only is completely fair. Since the sex isn't so great with this new chick, what's the big deal? As Dr. Phil says, "stop doing it." LOL

Why can't or won't you ask your gf to stop sleeping with her? Seems like a simple request to me.
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  #14  
Old 07-08-2011, 06:03 PM
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I did ask, gf said "No." because it would be a deal breaker for new gf. My gf talked to the new gf last night to say that meeting me before they are together again is needed. New gf is not pleased and feels forced and threatened. I understand but I feel forced and threatened. This other gf is not poly either btw. So she is taking her time which is hurting my gf and me to decide what she wants to do. My gf, is sticking to her promise and said to the new gf that she will not see her until the two of us meet. I hope she sticks to her guns and I hope that we make it.
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  #15  
Old 07-08-2011, 06:12 PM
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JameeDee JameeDee is offline
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It sounds like your gf is really trying to take your feelings into consideration. That is a good thing! I think you guys will be ok if you continue to communicate openly

Best of luck.
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  #16  
Old 07-08-2011, 06:18 PM
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I got this link from RedPepper. It's been very helpful for me

http://www.xeromag.com/practicaljealousy.pdf
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  #17  
Old 07-08-2011, 06:25 PM
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Thanks Dee, I think I poly love you!
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  #18  
Old 07-08-2011, 06:36 PM
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JameeDee JameeDee is offline
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LOL - It's ALL for Love, right?

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  #19  
Old 07-09-2011, 10:38 AM
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So I spent the night with my gf last night and although we mostly had peace we had a few moments of processing and it got really hard. The new gf feels manipulated and like the gauntlet has been dropped with this ultimatum. My gf doesn't mean to make me feel bad but I can't help but wonder if the accusations are true...do I want control or power? I don't think so, I think I wanted to know who I was dealing with to help me through the nights they are alone. My gf now says that if she had known that the agreement we came to at her dads house the other night would have hurt this woman as much as it did she wouldn't have done it.I am so confused, I don't know what to believe, I know the gf loves me but I don't know if she is being honest. The other woman wants to know what she will get out of meeting me, I don't know the answer. The new gf is now angry a demand was made. I told my gf tha this woman was no different than me in that we both want to be mono with the gf. I have always wanted this and made no bones about it. The new gf entered into a relationship with a poly involved with a mono, stating that she was fine with the idea,a now, because I have been so demanding she wants the gf to be with just her.
I am on the verge of saying goodbye to the gf as this whole thing is making me ill and sad and scared and the only end in sight is when the new gf decides what she wants. An and all advice greatly welcome.
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  #20  
Old 07-09-2011, 12:08 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Meeting your new gf's longtime partner is just par for the course in poly land. Even tho you all claim to be mono, this is a poly situation. You're living with your former lover/best friend of many years. You've got a LTR of over 2 years duration with a 2nd person. Your gf has a new gf of 2 months. This is a poly tangle.

Of course the new gf is afraid to meet you. She imagines you as a monster, and you imagine her as one. Actually meeting will show you both you're just normal people with similar feelings. Stick to your guns. If the new gf is so scared to meet you that she refuses... well, then, she's showing lack of character that should show your longtime gf something about her, that might decrease the NRE.

Your gf is afraid breaking up with new girl will hurt her? Well, obviously new gf is already having unpleasant feelings of jealousy and fear even without being dumped. I don't know what she was thinking, falling for an allegedly mono person already in a LTR. She made the choice to fall for her, now she's gotta face reality and "pay the piper" by meeting you. Least she can do, IMO. Sack up, as they say!

I am glad your gf is refusing to see new gf alone until new gf meets you.
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