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  #81  
Old 07-15-2011, 02:13 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
How am I disingenuous?
This:

- "deviant" is a heavily charged word, whether it's correct or not. Using the N-word technically means people who are black too, not white or anything else, but it's pejorative. Same thing with the F-word and gays. And of course "deviant" has been used for gay people too, and while it's also technically true for them, I doubt they appreciate it any more than we do.
Either you knew what the word implied or you didn't. If you did not know, when told so, the normal thing to do was to profusely apologise for using such a horrible word without realising so. Instead, you backed up that you are technically right, which leads me to believe you knew what you were saying from the start..


I think you are being verbally manipulative in a big way right now.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 07-15-2011 at 02:17 PM.
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  #82  
Old 07-16-2011, 09:43 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I have not looked up the word in the oxford dictionary or any other source as of yet....so I wasn't going on some calculating textbook response to piss people off. It just seemed the best word to describe the situation at the time.(IN THOSE EARLY DISCUSSIONS WITH MY WIFE ) I'm very surprised we didn't have the exact same fight over the use of this word ....we often got into a debates a specific word or phrase. My understanding was/is ...... if you go to extreme lengths to hide or conceal an activity that the overwhelming majority find objectionable the it would be consider deviant.In my background I don't have any emotional or negative views of the word. I use on occasion indirect forms of the word ...you can not deviate form the standard procedure....or jokingly refer to the band of goof ball my son belongs to as deviants or delinquents ...usually gets a laugh ....but both are wrong they are not either....their just young boy being young boys. I never thought rapist or molester, etc those are criminal acts not a lifestyle . Lastly, I have very little contact with alternative lifestyle participants ( see I'm learning ) to know what clinical words are too heavily charged.


To all that were offended that was not my intention...SORRY.

That being said I understand why One would prefer the softer...kinder version....but alternative lifestyle ....just doesn't accurately describe the situation.....It could mean being a vegetarian...or living without electricity...which has no societal problems..... Nobody hides the fact that they are a vegetarian...except at the beef producers convention.....What word would fit best here?? .....I can't think of one off the top of my head.

Also I would add I was counting myself with in the group....

I think I should refrain from starting threads.....
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  #83  
Old 07-16-2011, 11:10 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Well, I know people who hide the fact they're vegetarian and people who don't hide the fact they're poly. I don't think it's about hiding anything. It's alternative because it's not what is naturally assumed, you have to come out about it and depending on the person it can be badly received.

I've had people being more prejudiced against my being a vegetarian than polyamorous, so I wouldn't say one is more accepted than the other as a rule. It really depends on the person.

I appreciate the apology at any rate.
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  #84  
Old 07-16-2011, 09:30 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MorningTwilight View Post

* I happen to be left-handed, but polyamorous.

MT
I also happen to be left-handed and polyamorous.
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  #85  
Old 07-16-2011, 10:12 PM
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Hi Dinged and thanks for the PM. I don't generally tackle threads that are so far advanced but have gone back and read your original post. This is a very good topic and for anyone who hasn't read that post I would recommend it. I haven't read the other comments so sorry if I'm repeating.

What you described is definitely a pattern and I don't think anyone can deny it. It is however, not always the pattern and is not the pattern of my current relationship because my partner was poly from the get-go (that has it's own set of challenges).

Ironically it was my pattern in my marriage so I always wonder if I'm getting a nice dose of Karma in this relationship. I agree that many of the people who use polyamory to hang on to an old partner and introduce new ones may not be poly at all. With my new partner I would love to be monogamous.

I don't think you can force a person who has this RH syndrome to buckle under and give monogamy another go. It wouldn't have worked for me because after 28 years I felt I was done trying. I felt the years were slipping away and with them my chances of ever experiencing a healthy loving relationship. I think it was only when I reached this point (and it was pretty messy, I literally could not stop crying for weeks even on medication), that my husband really took me seriously, looked at himself and said "You're right I have never allowed myself to open up to you fully because..." Unfortunately it was just too late.

I believe that if he had been strong enough to hang in there with me, allowed me to dance the dance that I so desperately needed and done some work on himself, we may have made it. Instead he tried to force me by putting on the financial screws, which was his pattern of control. Or maybe we wouldn't have made it, maybe I would have gone from partner to partner with my own ego in tact and never learned the hard lessons that I have by leaving the safety of the marriage and putting my heart and soul into a relationship which is very loving and very healthy even if he is poly.

I haven't kept up with your situation but it seems you have let your wife dance her dance and are still feeling resentful and hurt. I don't think things like this can be mended with feelings like those going unresolved. Maybe you need a trial separation? Maybe you both need to look at the specifics of your relationship that aren't working. Are you in counselling, not for polyamory but for your own relationship? Even though your wife is doing what she's doing if you want to give your marriage a chance you both need to work on that, not just on her being poly (whether she really is or isn't). If she refuses to work on your relationship I would go for the trial separation.
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  #86  
Old 06-11-2012, 04:33 PM
msue msue is offline
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Wow this thread hits home!! I am the mono and bucking the poly lifestyle every step of the way...but I know that is due to being raised on conventional thinking of how a marriage works. I also have MAJOR jealousy issues, fear of the unknown, etc...I am trying to understand this so that our marriage can remain in tact, but not exactly sure if this is how I want to live my life either...
Its very confusing and heart wrenching...we are currently in this lifestyle, but I don't like it at all...he has a GF and everytime he goes to see her, I feel like a piece of my heart crumbles...so I don't know. Still trying to understand...
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  #87  
Old 06-11-2012, 07:15 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MorningTwilight View Post
Generally, yes. Certainly, there are individuals who are naturally monogamous, and when two of them meet, they might be able to live out the fairytale. I would offer, however, given that divorce and infidelity rates are what they are, that naturally monogamous people are about as common in the population as left-handed people.* MT
Or they're both naturally monogamous but personally incompatible with each other for the long-term.

Not that I mind being considered "uncommon," but still...
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  #88  
Old 06-12-2012, 03:20 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
Or they're both naturally monogamous but personally incompatible with each other for the long-term.

Not that I mind being considered "uncommon," but still...
Great point. People here look at the infidelity rate and the divorce rate as evidence for polyamory. When in fact money, personal habits (addictions, abuse, etc) general compatibility which are the leading causes for divorce. Once this disconnect occurs then the relationship is vulnerable to infidelity. Most times the infidelity is treated as the symptom of something larger.
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  #89  
Old 06-12-2012, 06:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Great point. People here look at the infidelity rate and the divorce rate as evidence for polyamory. When in fact money, personal habits (addictions, abuse, etc) general compatibility which are the leading causes for divorce. Once this disconnect occurs then the relationship is vulnerable to infidelity. Most times the infidelity is treated as the symptom of something larger.
I tend to get defensive when I come across folks who paint monogamy itself as stifling and abusive ("One True Wayers" and proselytizers drive me bananas, and, to me, are just as closed-minded as those they deride for being the same). Right now, I'm having a difference in philosophy with my partner's OSO (although we haven't really talked about it much) in that she eschews monogamy because she felt stifled by it.

To which I counter, well, if you have a stifling partner, what does the relationship structure matter? If your partner doesn't allow you space that you need, then you're still dealing with a personal incompatibility.

I agree that a stifling partner would be less inclined to even be in a polyamorous relationship, but the relationship structure seems to be more of an effect than the cause in this case. Correlation not implying causality and all that.

(Boy, I love philosophizing after lunch!)
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  #90  
Old 06-14-2012, 08:16 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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What is her definition of stifling?....whats her history in this ? Is she married or have a primary relationship?
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