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  #91  
Old 06-14-2012, 03:14 PM
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
What is her definition of stifling?....whats her history in this ? Is she married or have a primary relationship?
Keep in mind that this is my interpretation of what she's told me, or said to others. I'm sure the "game of telephone" applies...

She was once married, about a decade back. She found her husband/marriage stifling in that she felt she lost herself to make him happy, that she did not have the "alone time" she wanted to pursue her interests (non-romantic) - that he basically smothered her.

They divorced, she was single for a number of years, got introduced to the concept of Poly, and not long after, started a relationship with our current partner. We are probably both co-primaries, for lack of a better term. He currently splits his time between two separate homes.

My tack on this: Yes, a Poly relationship lends itself to having more alone time for you if you do not have multiple partners. Yes, a smothering partner is probably not going to want their love to be non-monogamous. Therefore, anyone willing to get into a Polyamorous relationship may be a bit less "stifling" to begin with.

So, despite her belief that marriage and monogamy is stifling, I don't believe it's the fault of monogamy or marriage itself as an institution, but can be blamed on personal incompatibilities with the person you choose as a partner. A controlling partner can certainly (mis)use marriage as a tool in order to BE controlling. She had a husband who wouldn't give her any time to herself. A different husband may have given her the freedom she desired to pursue her other interests within the context of a monogamous marriage.

Anyhoo... I find the difference in perception (and possibly semantics) interesting, although I do get tired of the "monogamy is <insert negative word here>" that I hear from time to time.
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  #92  
Old 06-15-2012, 08:09 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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So what you're saying is similar in a question of cause an or effect.


In both your case's or perhaps all three of you... the causes of the divorces were not a restless heart but a general loss of connection or incompatibility on other topics aside from romance. If romance did occur it was to replace that which was lost....not the cause but the effect.
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  #93  
Old 06-15-2012, 08:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
So what you're saying is similar in a question of cause an or effect.


In both your case's or perhaps all three of you... the causes of the divorces were not a restless heart but a general loss of connection or incompatibility on other topics aside from romance. If romance did occur it was to replace that which was lost....not the cause but the effect.
Yes, although in my metamour's case, she didn't have a restless heart as much as she felt stifled. She has stated that she chose Polyamory (rather than feeling wired that way) because she doesn't want to feel stifled again (although this is still my interpretation of what she said to me and may be off...). Not quite on the original topic. I think I derailed you with the "is it personal incompatibility or monogamy that's to blame" discussion.
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  #94  
Old 06-19-2012, 06:05 PM
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How many partners does she have? ...excluding the one you have in common.
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  #95  
Old 06-19-2012, 06:16 PM
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Zero. She has been dating on and off, however.
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  #96  
Old 06-23-2012, 02:00 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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What's the living arrangements for all of you in this?


Legally all of you are single right? She dating so one could argue continuous restless heart .....or not ?


Is this the same factor for building larger constellations .....continually adding or changing partners ? Or would that be more nre junkies?
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  #97  
Old 06-23-2012, 02:19 PM
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Well, since I only know what she tells me, I'm not going to argue anything with respect to her point of view. But yes, all single. My partner, the hinge of the vee, travels back and forth between locations - one with her, one with me.
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  #98  
Old 06-25-2012, 10:33 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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how old are your kids?.... and what do they know about this? What do they think about the split?

Does he actually live in both places ...have stuff...clothes, furniture, etc ....pay half of both?
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  #99  
Old 06-28-2012, 03:28 AM
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Momma Bear is going to pass on the kids' questions (sorry, DH), but as for the living arrangements, he is splitting time between both locations, and it's a work in progress. Curious as to how the questions fit into the thread...
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  #100  
Old 06-28-2012, 01:45 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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My thoughts and questions came from thinking about lives enmeshed ...interwoven full time, part time and if that could facilitate the adding of partners or hinder it. And if restless heart syndrome does exists could such factors play apart in a few years down the road. Would it be easier to change the dynamic ?


The question about the kids was an extension of that. Really young kids might not notice or care ... or get attached in a step parent type situation. The role and time spent with your BF and it's part time nature and their acceptance or annoyance over this situation. Older teenage kids might have extreme reactions from both sides of the spectrum. All the predictable stuff that goes along with the different age brackets of kids.


Also curiosity...I was thinking that it could get expensive for him... 2 dwellings ..., stuff at each, maintenance, etc, etc ....then I thought it might cost the same or even less.....that's all.

Plus it's my thread and it died long ago ....no one else will really cares It's just you and me talking
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