Trying my best to figure out what works for me

Hello! Im Arin, 20, female, bi. I grew up in north america, but was born in europe. I recently moved back to europe due to immigration issues. I hope to move back to north america about 3 years from now. Fun times. Even better, I had to leave my boyfriend, B (20, straight) of 10 months behind. We figured it was going well, so why not try a long distance relationship. We were, and are, still exclusive, but we're talking about changing that. B and I have been together almost 2 years, are serious, have cohabbitated, and have even considered engagement.

We've both started falling for a mutual friend, T (22, female,bi). She has expressed sexual interest in us, mainly me. However, she has also just broken up with her fiance. B and I have fantasized about T, and T has admited to fantazising about us. B and T are very close emotionally, and I am also close to T.

I am mainly just here to listen to experiances, get advice and figure myself out. I would love to try a closed triad type of relationship, but I am very worried about the possibility of B and my relationship taking a hit, and B and T's friendship taking a hit if things were to not work out. I'm also worried about potential jealousy, or feeling left out from my side. B and T live in the same town, im 6 time zones away and will only visit the other side of the pond once a year.

So I guess that's me and why I'm here in a nutshell. Hello! Please excuse the rambling.

Greetings Arin,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sorry to hear about your immigration issues, I imagine it must be hard to have B and T living so far away. You can do a triad, it is work but it can be so worth it. I think the long-distance factor is going to be the hardest thing, at least for the next three years. Also, forming a triad is always a risk. You do not know if your relationship with B will take a hit, you do not know if B's friendship with T will take a hit. You have to decide whether you feel it is worth the risk. Of course this is something B and T should consider also.

I hope Polyamory.com can be of some help to you in these areas. Please do not hesitate to ask any questions. To get as much advice as possible, you may want to post your situation in Poly Relationships Corner. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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ArinSol said:

I had to leave my boyfriend, B (20, straight) of 10 months behind....

We've both started falling for a mutual friend, T..

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Ahhh. So this happened before you left, and they are near one another.

Well, when I am away working, I have companionship. My wife seems to think I deserve it.

Everyone is different, it's hard to say what's going to happen. I am not sure how often you will be able to visit because of the immigration thing.

Do you have to stay out of the country for some length of time before you can come back in, or get some different visa status?

I would think it matters. They're right next to one another and you are across the world, for... a few months? A year? Longer?

MayDecember said:

Do you have to stay out of the country for some length of time before you can come back in, or get some different visa status?

I would think it matters. They're right next to one another and you are across the world, for... a few months? A year? Longer?

Click to expand...

I will be gone for about 4 years total while I complete a degree program. I'm one year down, still 3 years to go. B and I have been doing great with long distance, and we've never been closer. We're deeply commited to our relationship. So with the idea of seeing them together and having fun for three years, while I miss out on 99% of that, understandably makes me a little scared.

I either need to be able to let my fears go, find a work-around for my fears, or drop polyamory as a possibility. Yes it would be fun to give it a try, but the repercussions if it doesn't work out are a bit to large for my comfort.

ArinSol said:

I either need to be able to let my fears go, find a work-around for my fears, or drop polyamory as a possibility. Yes it would be fun to give it a try, but the repercussions if it doesn't work out are a bit to large for my comfort.

Click to expand...

Thank you for clarifying the situation.

We have an international situation too, and it has meant mistresses eventually go their own way. Work overseas pays way less and we have to come back to work for real money, lol.

We tried sustaining a long distance relationship with a mistress while my wife and I were in the US and it was an immediate disaster. They had gotten on so well together too.

But I am not in charge of my wife's emotions.

So who knows. What we can say is that the moment anyone starts concealing things from others, starts being deceptive in communications, actions not matching words, things don't quite add up... pay attention.

My wife is a bad actor. It was obvious it wasn't working, despite her words urging us on.

In her country, it works. Not here! It's four more years before we can be there full time.

Trying to force it would have been a big mistake. And for two of us it was like a death in the family. It WAS a death in the family.

Like you though, there are long term plans and we are committed to them. Money doesn't just "poof" itself into existence. So there are costs. I would love to "poof" a Mistress Visa into existence.

Just make sure, everyone, that when things aren't right you don't start living a lie. Be forthright with everyone. Be kind. Until they fuck you over and then it's scortched earth, baby: stalk them, bombs under their car... I'm Kidding! lol.

Best of luck, hon.

Welcome, Arin. Good luck with your immigration issues.

ArinSol said:

I will be gone for about 4 years total while I complete a degree program. I'm one year down, still 3 years to go. B and I have been doing great with long distance, and we've never been closer. We're deeply committed to our relationship. So with the idea of seeing them together and having fun for three years, while I miss out on 99% of that, understandably makes me a little scared.

I either need to be able to let my fears go, find a work-around for my fears, or drop polyamory as a possibility. Yes it would be fun to give it a try, but the repercussions if it doesn't work out are a bit to large for my comfort.

Click to expand...

You're right to be fearful, let's just say it plain. I tried doing a long distance relationship with a guy I'd met in my home town, when I went away to college. We tried to remain exclusive, but he took up with a new person after a few months. We broke up. He ended up marrying her! I took up with several new partners a month or two after our breakup.

You're in your very early 20s. A LDR of several years duration at this point would be extremely challenging. I'd guess that B and T would be having a deepening relationship. A "triad" where they can touch and date and kiss and have sex, and you're limited to cyber chat and, I guess, cyber sex (unless you're ace or something) does not sound fun for YOU! Why settle on this so-called triad (which would be very unbalanced) when you could do an open poly relationship, where you can also date if someone cool comes along? You can do polyamory without doing a triad and trying to share one partner. Even if you all lived in the same town, sharing one partner is extremely challenging. Most poly relationships are NOT triads.

(Also, so many millennials are postponing marriage to late 20s or age 30, or not marrying at all.)

Triads are the most challenging way of doing poly. It's not a equal triangle; it's 3 couples stacked up. You'd be hard pressed to fully nurture your end of 2 couples, when they are right in the same space enjoying the physical proximity, dates, sex, sharing sleep, same friends, etc., etc.

I'm sorry. This might work (never say never), but there's a stronger possibility it won't.