In need of advice

[ClosetPoly]

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn

Well, many find it helpful to know that their metamours are not mythical superheroes who always do everything right, communicate expertly and are raucous between the sheets all the time. Or just to notice that their metamours are different from them. Or that the things their SO does with their OSOs are very normal and kinda boring.

I greatly support and agree with that. It really helps, at least now in the beginning. Yes, I have insecurities, and I'm not ashamed to acknowledge them and take what assurance I can get, and slowly deal with them.

[Magdlyn]

We had a recent thread here about sharing info about other lovers with one's SO.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11084

Different people have different experiences and desires. For myself and my gf, my primary, we feel least jealous when we share quite a bit about our dates with others. I've only had one other lover in 2 1/2 years asking me to not share info about him with others. And he didnt ask me not to talk about him to my gf, just to other mutual friends in the local kink/poly scene. He is admittedly a very private person.

Your gf might actually feel more comfortable down the line, if and when you get another lover, knowing more about your dates than she think she would be right now.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Confused101

She claims that she doesn't want to betray the trust with her OSO's and thinks that I am invading there privacy.

hmmmmm, what do you think?

If her OSO is ok with her sharing details then I don't see anything wrong with it. If her OSO is not ok with it then I would agree that this is a betrayal of trust.

[Minxxa]

I agree that the OSO should definitely be asked how they feel about it. Hubs and I had this discussion recently because he had brought up a subject that his GF wasn't aware he had shared. We found this out over drinks and dinner.

She wasn't upset (I don't think), but it made it clear to him that while he wanted to tell me everything, he needed to be more mindful about that and if in doubt, ask her first. It was a good lesson for him.

For myself I know I do get curious about what goes on, but I don't know that knowing everything that goes on is at all helpful. I've never asked for full disclosure as I do want to respect his GFs privacy, and now when my mind starts wandering to "what's going on", I just tell it to STOP! And remind myself "that is not my relationship." It's getting easier...

[Tonberry]

OK, in no particular order...

I think it being long distance probably makes it harder. It's not just that there are other people, but also you're not there, meaning that A) you have no clue what's going on and no control over it and B) you can't be with her yourself, so her other partners enjoy something you don't get to.

Not knowing can be harder. An unknown can be scary, knowing the people and what's going on can be very relaxing. Do you talk to her other partners? Just talking to them a bit might help you. They're obviously important in her life and so getting to know them is probably a good idea.

She shouldn't reveal things that her other partners don't want repeated. However you could have a talk together (all of you, or any combination that makes you comfortable) to see what they're comfortable with sharing or not. Explain what you want to know and why. Explain you don't want to intrude on their intimacy but you want to feel like you are part of her life, and since you can't be there with her, the only thing you have left is hearing about her day. (I might be projecting or extrapolating here. If so, substitute your actual feelings).

Do you know why she has a don't ask, don't tell policy with you? Obviously she knows her girlfriend has that other partner. Why doesn't she want to hear about it if you do?

Right now, it seems like they have a close bond and are together, and you're the odd one out. As much as she said she'd pick you over the rest if you said so, it seems to me she said it to comfort you that she cares about you, but it would be heartbreaking for her, and might not be realistic.

Try and talk to her about how you feel. Don't make it a blaming game, just try and explain your position, and that you want her to understand how it feels for you so that you can work it out together, the four of you.

It's good if you don't feel cheated, but she did lie. She lied about how many partners she had, and she hid the fact that there was another male, which is often important to guys.
She did come clean and that's good, but you need to understand that maybe it is harder for you because she did lie. Because you might be afraid she will do so again. Because it would be so easy in this specific situation. If that's the case, then I think you should tell her that as much as you appreciate that she told you the truth in the end, you need her reassurance that she won't lie about these things anymore, and that she is sorry she did in the first place.
Maybe that could help you.