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  #11  
Old 07-13-2011, 01:08 AM
idrider47 idrider47 is offline
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Thanks for the support Carma.
I do know that RBR is trying, she just doesn't understand so things aren't lining up as she wanted them too.

Its amazing how much of a roller coaster this whole thing is. I think we'll find a way to smooth things out over time though.

RBR and I have worked it all out, learned from our mistakes so we can try to not repeat them, so I think we're on good ground again.

It's weird how things change, just a few months ago I don't think I could have ever imagined we would be where we are.

RBR is now firmly headed off down her poly path. I'm still searching for what I want to do exactly and how I want to do it. I'm looking to meet new folks here in Boise, but it's really hard. I think the mode for this time is just to be open and accepting, love RBR and support her, and then see what comes.
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  #12  
Old 07-13-2011, 07:36 PM
idrider47 idrider47 is offline
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Today is the darkest day by far. Another sleepless night, another emotional meltdown.

RBR suggested that I read FreeTime's thread as a way of gaining perspective. She wants me to just gut through this.

As she posted on her other post, I am so consumed by this at this moment that I couldn't even focus on work today and came home early. I didn't come home to work on the problem directly with her exactly, but I did come home to read and try to figure out a way to at the very least survive this. It seems like we've talked this to death, and we often reach impasses where I want to slow down (or better yet, stop!) and that makes her feel controlled.

One of the comments posted to RBR's post struck the very center of the target, so much so that I had to send them a message thanking them. They have been private messaging with me, trying to help me get through today without doing something stupid to make things worse.

I'm spending the day reading through FreeTime's thread (I think it's something like 30 pages long) to see if I can gain perspective. I think RBR's thought is that I should see that it gets better for others, therefore it will get better for me. I don't know that, and I'm not sure why I should sign up for continuing this at this point. The only thing I can come up with is that RBR is important to me, in spite of all that is happening now.
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  #13  
Old 07-14-2011, 03:41 AM
idrider47 idrider47 is offline
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Hi All
I want to say thanks so much for all the support today. It's been a rough day, but we got through it and with the help of all you fine folks I think we actually have a good outcome.

I only made it up to page 24 of FreeTime's thread, but there were a huge number of parallels, things going the exact same directions. I am looking forward to getting to the rest as soon as possible.

DblDub talked me out of doing some stupid things that would have further hurt the situation, and RBR heard the group loud and clear that she needs to slow down. We've been working out the details of what a slow down will look like, so all in all it's a pretty positive outcome that we can move forward with.

Thanks again for all the support, and the roller coaster starts to climb again!

Cheers!
Rider
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  #14  
Old 07-14-2011, 05:01 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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You know the rollercoaster can be fun... as long as you don't think you're going to lose your life on it.

I was reminded recently of a scene from "Parenthood"... where the grandma is talking about how she went to the carnival with her beau when they were dating and how many people were scared of the roller coaster, they preferred the merry-go-round. But she liked the roller coaster... it was exciting and new and never boring. I think of that often when I'm feeling like "roller coaster" is a bad thing.

I'm glad you two are talking things through.
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  #15  
Old 07-14-2011, 02:03 PM
idrider47 idrider47 is offline
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Today is so much better. No freak out today, much more acceptance and forgiveness of the hurts that were occurring.

Feel like I definitely have my head above water today and I'm not in any danger of getting sucked down today.

Today I think it's going to be ok moving forward. With all the goings on yesterday, RBR realized that she had to slow down and isn't holding it against me as the "bad guy that is trying to control her", and I think that was exactly what I needed. We talked through what was causing the problems and developed some ways to make sure that we weren't repeating those same mistakes. I'm sure we'll find others, but we'll deal with those as they come.

After reading so much of FreeTime's thread, I feel like I should know that other meltdown's are coming, so we talked about that openly. I definitely do not feel like we are "there", and honestly, I've read here that people that are years into this still have freak outs. I think this is just part of this lifestyle, so I'll just strap in and hold on.

Happy Thursday!
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  #16  
Old 07-15-2011, 03:42 PM
idrider47 idrider47 is offline
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Well, we enjoyed one day to catch our breath before problems jumped up again.

This time it's around activities. When this started, it was about RBR doing activities with someone else that I couldn't do, or wasn't interested in. But the rub comes when she wants to do things with her boyfriend that I also want to do. I just don't know how to handle that yet.

It's not a meltdown day, but RBR and I are definitely at odds over the situation, and I posted a thread in the New to Poly section with full details and asking for help in how to process and learn from this situation.

I feel like all this battling through these problems is not making our marriage better, it's killing it. I don't want to just pretend I'm ok with everything, but I also don't want to be the bad guy every time I struggle with something. Other people have made it so I'm hoping we do too. Hard to see how at this moment though....
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  #17  
Old 07-15-2011, 04:21 PM
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Sit down and establish boundaries and ground rules in advance. Then you won't have to keep going over everything unless something new comes up.
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  #18  
Old 07-15-2011, 04:56 PM
idrider47 idrider47 is offline
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Hello NYCindie
Yeah, I think we thought that we did that. I'm understanding the problem better and better as we go through this morning. I think there are three issues.

The first is that we decided that evenings and weekends were reserved for Rider and RBR. RBR and E can see each other during the work day when Rider is at work, so that seemed fair. But we did put a clause in there that there could be special times that are negotiated in advance to accommodate something RBR and E wanted to do that would normally be Rider/RBR time. The very first thing that happened after negotiating the agreement was to exercise the exception clause and go for a weekend night. That was a bit of a push, but I thought it would be ok, just from a time perspective.

Then, looking at the event itself, it turns out to be an event that I want to do. So I am struggling with how to view that and feel about that. Thus far, RBR and E have only done things that were on her list of things that I had trouble doing with her.

Then finally, this has brought out marital problems that I didn't know we had. It is a discovery for me that RBR didn't think I would want to do this activity. She apparently doesn't know me the way she thinks she does and was 100% wrong on that, which has me feeling like I'm being marginalized or compartmentalized, with all the new and exciting activities going to E.
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  #19  
Old 07-15-2011, 05:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by idrider47 View Post
Then finally, this has brought out marital problems that I didn't know we had. It is a discovery for me that RBR didn't think I would want to do this activity. She apparently doesn't know me the way she thinks she does and was 100% wrong on that, which has me feeling like I'm being marginalized or compartmentalized, with all the new and exciting activities going to E.
Believe me, it's more of a marital problem if you do not continually find and discover new things about each other! Keeping a relationship fresh and alive is key, and not giving in to seeing a partner the same old way every day is what makes that possible. I wrote this on your other thread:
And as far as still discovering things about each other after so many years together -- halleluiah! Relationships where this doesn't happen are stagnant, boring, and predictable. It's always a good thing when we can look at someone we've loved and known a long time and see them anew, because that means we are present, living in the here and now, and seeing past old beliefs.
Thank goodness she didn't know this about you! I suggest that you guys are in a great place if this is happening. You are rising out of preconceived expectations and seeing each other as people in the present, not ideas of who you are to each other.
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  #20  
Old 07-15-2011, 05:19 PM
idrider47 idrider47 is offline
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As always, good advice nycindie.
I really want to latch onto this thought.

I asked RBR this morning to understand that perhaps she doesn't know me as well as she thinks. I don't think she heard me, but I think I need to do the exact same thing!!
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