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  #51  
Old 10-14-2011, 08:00 AM
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I just finished reading through your blog. I enjoyed it very much. Some of the feelings you describe sound so familiar. I had quite similar fears in the beginning after Alec had expressed that he's okay with me starting another relationship: that he would then realise it's too hard for him, or that there would be other complications. Our transition to poly just felt unrealistically easy and drama-free. But I'm starting to trust it now, and just enjoy myself without (much) worrying.

I can also relate to the feelings of exhaustion after spending time with both your loves, and the longest I've had has been maybe four nights, whereas you had three weeks in a row! I do tend to make myself crazy over whether I'm being 'enough' for both of them, but I'm working on it and it's getting a lot better. Mya is actually coming tomorrow to stay for a week, so we'll see how that goes.

It must be quite intense to live together, particularly 'til you get the room done? Then again, still a bit different from visiting, since you know you'll have all the time in the world..?
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Old 10-14-2011, 11:15 PM
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I actually decided to read through this blog myself the other day and just finished it now -- funny how these things work!

I loved reading your story, thank you for sharing it with us. I'm envious of your new, blended family but also very happy for you. When I felt envy as I was reading, I reminded myself -- it's not like it all came together overnight! But where you are now is so beautiful and exciting.

The picture that you describe of the three of you is so terribly cute! Little Lin sandwiched between two Germanic giants.
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  #53  
Old 10-15-2011, 04:54 PM
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Hello you two, nice to get some feedback on the things one writes, positive feedback even. So first of all, I am kind of exited that you actually enjoyed reading about our journey. It always seems so huge if it's the own story but others often don't get a real feel for it especially if I remember some of the passages where I mused about some of my inner workings and fears and such.

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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I loved reading your story, thank you for sharing it with us. I'm envious of your new, blended family but also very happy for you. When I felt envy as I was reading, I reminded myself -- it's not like it all came together overnight! But where you are now is so beautiful and exciting.
Well Annabel, I think it's save to assure you that you don't need to be envious, your story is at least as fascinating, interesting and lucky as mine seems to be. There is so much love around you, it makes me wonder again and again how this must feel. Especially the baby … I am so curious to experience this special part of a relationship; hopefully it will be my turn in the next years that are to come. I don't know which aspect made you feel some stings of envy, but I am sure that this effect would be watered when I would be able to think of all aspects of the story at once when I write. It's mostly my view and some holes will always be there when I describe the happenings and occurrences. But yes, it is exciting, you are 100% right (And it's beautiful 97% of the time ^.^)


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The picture that you describe of the three of you is so terribly cute! Little Lin sandwiched between two Germanic giants.
I had to laugh out loud when I read this sentence and pictured what your image of us had to look like when you envision 'Germanic giants' … Priceless Too be sure to get the right picture I decided to add some personal descriptions of us:

Me: Naturally blond, I decided to dye my hair ruby red when I was 17. I never went back on it because my face is colored too strongly for the light color. Length is about the middle of my back, a bit curly. Red lips, brown eyes, black eyebrows and a healthy 'computer-tan' (too much time spent inside actually), 6'3 tall, 193 lbs (yes, I gained some weight over the last 10 years *sigh* but still looking average and OK).

Sward: Dark brown hair, natural curls, corkscrew curls even … most women got envious when he grew his hair out some years ago. It shorter now, but still long enough to show some curves. Light blue eyes that can change from gray to dark blue depending on the color of the clothes he wears (really fascinating). 6'7 tall, 275 lbs heavy, mostly located around the typical beer belly But he is quite muscular, therefore it still looks good. He is just a big bear, three-day beard most of the time with a thicker part around his mouth.

Lin: Dark brown hair, a bit scrubby, looking like a Monchichi when he just washed it. Eye color is a bit difficult to pinpoint, sometimes green, sometimes brown, but quite dark mostly. 5'10 'small', 148 lbs light, still working on gaining some weight On the contrary to Sward and me Lin got really thin lips, hardly colored at all.

I hope this helps avoiding the typical blond barbarian image

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Originally Posted by rory
Our transition to poly just felt unrealistically easy and drama-free. But I'm starting to trust it now, and just enjoy myself without (much) worrying.
I still wonder about the mostly drama free and easy transition. There were issues but never real drama outside from my head that imagined the wildest outcomes. I am extremely appreciative of this fact and hope that this particular aspect won't change in the future.

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Originally Posted by rory
I can also relate to the feelings of exhaustion after spending time with both your loves, and the longest I've had has been maybe four nights, whereas you had three weeks in a row! I do tend to make myself crazy over whether I'm being 'enough' for both of them, but I'm working on it and it's getting a lot better. Mya is actually coming tomorrow to stay for a week, so we'll see how that goes.

It must be quite intense to live together, particularly 'til you get the room done? Then again, still a bit different from visiting, since you know you'll have all the time in the world..?
Isn't it strange? One is so happy and fulfilled; that these emotions are able to wear you out because of the intensity they reach over time seems strange at first. It is easier now, the knowledge that we have all the time that we need on our hands is so refreshing and assuring. And I think that my 'emotional capacity' is already adjusting and widening, it isn't that arduous as it used to be during the three week visit. But I have to admit that namely the issue about 'being enough' arose during the time that passed since my last entry. I don't have the time to cover the story right now, but I will come back to it later.

(I feel the urge to say: Ha, I knew it, there was some trouble waiting for us! But we solved it mostly already, so everything is fine at the moment. It was partly caused by the living situation without the private space for Lin.)

I don't have more time on my hands to keep on posting and will come back again tomorrow or next week (it is my birthday tomorrow and I am excited to finally see what they planned for me, it have been years since I last didn't know in advance what my presents would look like )

I hope you, Rory, have a great time when Mya is there. Time is precious and I wish you three (four in the greater picture) that you can continue your journey as smooth as you were able up to now.
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Last edited by Phy; 10-15-2011 at 06:35 PM.
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  #54  
Old 10-16-2011, 08:35 AM
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Thank you for your wishes! And happy birthday!

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Isn't it strange? One is so happy and fulfilled; that these emotions are able to wear you out because of the intensity they reach over time seems strange at first. It is easier now, the knowledge that we have all the time that we need on our hands is so refreshing and assuring. And I think that my 'emotional capacity' is already adjusting and widening, it isn't that arduous as it used to be during the three week visit. But I have to admit that namely the issue about 'being enough' arose during the time that passed since my last entry. I don't have the time to cover the story right now, but I will come back to it later.

(I feel the urge to say: Ha, I knew it, there was some trouble waiting for us! But we solved it mostly already, so everything is fine at the moment. It was partly caused by the living situation without the private space for Lin.)
It is totally strange, that the positive feelings can sometimes be so intense they are overwhelming. I agree in that I think it gets easier once one adjusts and gets used to it (and propably also as the NRE effect decreases).

But about what you write last, about how you were right in that there would be something waiting around the corner, I totally get that. BUT I think that's sort of the danger of feeling like that, it's a prophesy which is sure to fulfill itself, because it's obvious that not all times will be perfect in ANY relationship. So if one is just expecting for some signs of there being problems, one is guaranteed to have them. That's why I don't think it's a good thing, because it makes a too big deal then of even the smallest thing...
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Old 10-17-2011, 08:06 AM
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Thanks for your wishes, yesterday was great Hm, where do I start … ?

First of all, yes you are right, me always being on the lookout for something to happen is self-fulfilling in a certain way. I know that there are things bound to happen, it would be strange if there was nothing going on behind the scenes at all. I just expected more of this and it was kind of frightening that the issues show up so rarely. Like: If we don't have all the small trouble on the way, maybe there is something mayor waiting for us in the long run. I know, I like to worry too much *mumbles* but I just want to make sure that nothing is able to steal this happiness from me.

At least my worry about 'being enough' wasn't made up out of thin air. One of the points I feared was that I won't be always in the mood for sex when my two men are. My own sex drive isn't as strong as theirs. This had lead to some arguments in the past between Sward and me, so I kind of anticipated this talk to come along with two men now more than ever. Don't misunderstand me, it never was a big issue, the discord between us didn't happen that often, but it was a point that was bound to change for the worst in this situation. Out of 5 times I would decline one, I guess. But multiplied by two and divided by half of the time this was at least kind of unpleasant for them.

When NRE is mixed into this equation one can guess that Sward got the short end of the stick. I am adjusting to two men in my life regularly at the moment and the one who had to endure the negative effects in regard to frequency was my husband. But because of some issues with jealously and uncertainty of the whole situation (which of course still plays a certain role in our dynamic at the moment) Sward got persistent of the sex-matter of all things. I felt pressured and it lead to an argument three days ago in the evening and morning, where I told him that I needed some time and space to achieve an equal handling for this. He suggested that he wouldn't initiate anything for a while and leave this entirely up to me for the moment. We arrived at an agreement with this.

But – that night, it was one of those I spend with Lin in the living room on the sofa - Sward walked in on me when I was lying there naked, cooling down a bit from some action with Lin (Lin went outside with the dog). This happened before and it wasn't a matter at that time, but now it wasn't the best to happen in this situation. He didn't say much, just “Gotta go to the toilette.”, kissed me on his way back and went to sleep. But it was obvious that it had hurt him. We didn't sleep well, I was unsure if I should go and see if he was alright and decided to stay, because … well I don't know. He can get defensive if one pressures him about something he hasn't already thought-out. He didn't sleep at all, went to visit his mother first thing the next morning and came back an hour later, when we got to talk in passing because I got to go to my job.

While I was gone, Lin and Sward talked this special matter out. When he came to pick me up he was in a better mood than before and we talked about what happened. We accepted that everyone needs to go through some adjustments at the moment, that we shouldn't put too much emphasis on all things, but that we need to keep up with some traditional things to make sure that not everything is changed at once.

This really is about the smallest things. Example: like leaving the door of the bathroom open when I am showering. The floor plan of our flat is kind of odd, the bathroom is right next to the kitchen and he and I tended to talk about our days and such when he prepared dinner and I showered. (Both rooms are ridiculously small btw, communication is easy ^.^' ) Or he came to me with a cup of coffee and talked about stuff. Because of the presence of Lin, I started to keep the door closed because I didn't feel too comfortable in rushing each part to the level where Sward and I have been. By doing so I changed Sward's and my routine. We will look out for the little things and make sure that we keep our old everyday life around the corner. Sward really needs some of these to feel at home and rest assured that not too much is changing at once.

It really was all we needed to do to get the things back on track. The emphasis on sex went back and Sward admitted that he kind of used this unconsciously to connect with me because he felt disconnected because of the little changes Lin's presence caused for each of us. Lin isn't really troubled by this, because he and I didn't have 'a daily life' up to this point, therefore he gets integrated in our old one or the new one that forms itself now.

And then there was my birthday

Both of them thought of the exact same present for me. One saw it in a prospect, one when shopping and they agreed to get it for me: a heated neck-back-pack. It was perfect, one of the things they have to do often is massage my back and neck because I got tense again. (Sometimes of course, they do it because it feels good, too ) The evening before was filled with cuddling on the couch. It would have been my night with Sward but I requested a night with both of them and shoved his night one onwards. It was great. Midnight found me half asleep because it felt so cozy lying there, getting neck, back, feed and legs massaged and stroked and I dozed off. They woke me up on midnight, to eat some chocolate-cherry-cake and clink glasses.

My siblings prepared a birthday presents table for me he next morning and all came together to sing our birthday song (one that we use since we have been little and in kindergarden). I couldn't stop smiling all day because it felt so great. Life is just great at the moment and I hope it stays like this for a long, long while
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  #56  
Old 10-23-2011, 08:02 AM
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The weekend started with some uncertainty and developed into a wonderful place of contentedness and satisfaction. The only shadow is my migraine that is bugging me since yesterday.

Sward had some really rough days at work and with his back. Still pain, still lots of stress, still some tense atmosphere because of the future of the market garden. There are some things that need to change for him to feel comfortable again with his work and coworkers, but that requires him speaking up and he has had a problem with it since I've known him. It has gotten better now, because not only I am bugging him to speak his mind, but Lin as well. And he is so much more empathetic than I could ever be. Those two are sometimes really beneficial for each other.

The back pain and the strain from work made Sward kind of 'collapse' right into bed after dinner on Thursday, wherefore I slept another night on the sofa with Lin. We prepared a cherry pit bag and a hot-water bag for his back and wrapped him up. He was a little grumpy about not being able to cuddle me and sleep next to me for the second night in a row, but there was nothing we could do about it. His back wasn't better on Friday, when he wanted to meet up with an old friend originally (the one to whom he talked when I was visiting Lin the second time). She is in the picture and got some things to talk about as well and so they decided that they need to meet and talk. But he was so exhausted that he had to postpone the date to Saturday.

On Saturday we had a lot of leisure and fun time together. The day started early because of Swards back and my head. We both woke up at 4 in the morning and chatted a bit until it was 6 and we finally got up to go over to the living room where Lin was sleeping. Toooo early for him to be woken up, but there are no other rooms we are able to use and therefore he has to live with the downsides of this arrangement. He got up as well and we played the game, which we recently started together, until Sward came in and said that he wanted to go to the barber. I couldn't recall when my last time there has been and Lin needed a haircut as well, so we all went together.

Later that day Sward got the things together he needed to bake two apple pies with walnuts, while Lin and I peeled some apples. My mother came in during that time and told me about their vacation in Turkey and to wish me a late happy birthday, just like my father who visited as well. Both of them don't know Lin that well up to now. My mother has talked to him some times already and they renovated the room together. My father has seen him four or five times maybe. But what I really had to note with a smile was a little occurrence when my father talked to Lin. The English 'you' is divided into a personal and intimate form for people you know well and one that is used with strangers or if you want to be polite in German. My father slipped once and used a personal-you with Lin, reminded himself that it's still the polite one and Lin suggested to drop the formalities and just go by first name and the personal-you. My father smiled and shook hands again and introduced himself in a more informal manner.

Another interesting thing that happened yesterday was that Sward, Lin and I fooled around with each other on the couch. It surprised me a little and I stopped it after some time when my shirt was gone, because I am not in the right mindset for something like this to happen at the moment. And I knew that Lin shouldn't be as well. What surprised me was that he went along with it and I pondered a while over the possibility of him being OK with something like this. When I asked him finally, he explained that he normally wouldn't think while being intimate with me, but in this situation all he could do was thinking if he would be able to go along 'till the bitter end'. I scolded him a bit for putting himself under pressure and told him that something like this would be far in the future for now. But it felt great The pace needs to be slow to adjust, especially for Lin, but none of us is totally against it, like it seems.

In the evening I drove Sward to his friend and got three hours alone time with Lin, from which he needed two to calm down my headache. (He is really good at massaging every part of the body, which obviously lead to more ^.^) After an hour Sward called and I went to pick him up again. Back home Lin and Sward changed the sheets while I showered and all went to bed. Sward told me what he and his friend had talked about and I got to enjoy my second man at the end of the night … how peaceful and great can life actually get? I am loving every minute of it at the moment.
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  #57  
Old 10-29-2011, 05:07 PM
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Another lovey-dovey week and especially weekend. You got a softly sighing, silly smiling and shamelessly grinning 'Phy' over here. As you might expect now: the week has been great.

We were finally able to start with the last steps for finishing Lin's room. He and Sward are gone to get the new floor for him at the moment. My mother and Lin fixed the old base boards and the door today after the carpenter had inserted the window two days ago. They worked really great with each other over the week and Lin was able to see why I am the way I am My mother has a strong personality, wants things to go as it pleases her and is always up for the last word in a conversation.

After the first two days he mentioned that we resemble each other character wise and that he finds it quite interesting how different each of us siblings reacted to her. She was a bit over-caring at times and we developed some strategies to counter that I confronted her and developed even stronger conversational skills to outwit her and have it my way, my younger sister started to please her but manipulate her through the back door, always looking to sweet-talk her into what she wants and my brother just plain ignores all of her demands and does his own thing. None of us was unhappy with this, it's just how conversation works at home ^.^ It was really interesting for me to hear an outside voice in this matter. Lin is a great observer and he was able to pit into words what Sward had noticed over the years, but never told me about.

My courses in university are good and not too demanding this semester, the first presentation on Thursday about the High/Lowland divide in Scotland went well. I even got a really interesting one on Dr. Faustus and Frankenstein *cheer* I need to catch up on some assignments that are still due till the end of semester and I am keen on kicking my ass to go and sit over some material in the library next week.

The greatest day was yesterday. After quite a long day and lots of stress on Swards side because of the company and the situation with his coworkers (the only thing driving me nuts at the moment, he just isn't able to get through to some of them, they behave so uncooperatively and selfish at the moment, its a real shame) we sat together and watch the newest episodes of our current favorite series (The Big Bang Theory). I felt the sudden urge for grapes, molten-cheese, baguette, dark chocolate and whine. I don't know why, sometimes I get real strange and strong cravings for special food.

This resulted in Sward getting up to buy everything, Lin and I preparing everything for a cozy evening on the couch and a really great night. Alcohol has a … let's call it stimulating effect on me and I just wanted to be with both of them at the end of the evening. I have never acted on such a longing up to now, because I didn't wanted to hurt anybodies feelings. I believed it to be too early to ask for some time with Lin while I should spend the night with Sward because it was 'his turn'.

Well, I was wrong I got a bit emotional when we had to part (meaning: leaving Lin behind on the sofa to go to bed with Sward). They both noticed, Lin told me that it was OK for him and send me off to Sward. After Sward and I had some time together he asked if I would like to go to Lin. Telling me that he didn't mind half as much as I assumed he would, that quite the opposite would be the case because it would kind of turn him on a bit. I was hesitant at first, I felt really greedy. And I didn't know how Lin would react on being 'the second man' that night. I read about some men who are really stingy about this special point and I feared that he was leaning towards that direction.

As always, I worried in vain ^_^' Lin and I spend a passionate hour together and I went back to the bedroom to cuddle up with Sward again. I still don't know how to precisely phrase the urge I got that night. It wasn't that much about sex, it was more a desire to connect with both. I plainly needed to express my feelings and I feel so relieved to have been able to do so. I am not religious, but the best word to describe what I feel at the moment seems to be: bliss.
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  #58  
Old 11-07-2011, 07:18 PM
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Default Thin walls and indulgence

Another week has passed and we are still moving closer together and each person begins to cultivate a special spot in the heart of the other(s) despite the dynamic being so new.

Sward is still stressed because of the situation at work and loves to come home to us to find mostly everything taken care of. I feared that he would feel uncomfortable because of the 'changed' place he was used to call 'home'. That the presence of Lin would strain his nerves even more. But he feels relieved. Lin and I prepare food, look after the flat, do the daily chores and go shopping. All things that he needed to do with me normally, sometimes even after a hard day at work. We definitely have more time on our hands for private stuff, while we get more things done in the meantime. As long as Lin is still in search of work, he does all he can to be of help around the house. Even I noted that some things were done by the time I came home and it feels great to be surprised like that.

Lin's room is finally finished. They just came back from our do-it-yourself store, where they bought some shelves and a laundry basket for the room. Yesterday, Lin and I slept the first night in his room and the room itself is looking quite nicely now. But … well there is a huge BUT here unfortunately.

The walls are thin like paper. We can hear every step the other parties in the house do, especially in the morning when they leave for work or go for a walk with the dogs. Sward and I have had some problems to sleep in the past, we asked them to treat us and our sleep with a bit more respect but it didn't help. But now Lin is sleeping inside the room that is directly linked to the wooden staircase of the whole building. It's soooo loud. We need to fix this as soon as possible.

Another problem are the noises. Especially the ones that are able to escape from Lin's room to the hallway. I could hear him clear his throat when I went by to get something from the cellar. We are kind of clueless how we should handle this delicate issue at the moment. I hope that they are creative and find a solution asap. It doesn't matter if the door is open or closed at the moment …

I am done for today and will take a shower and cuddle up with them on the sofa. I think that it would be really hard by now to think of evenings without this homey atmosphere and languorous ease that they are able to provide for me within seconds after I lay down between them.
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Old 11-12-2011, 08:37 AM
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Default Cuddling and mothers and children

Finally weekend. I was really looking forwards to this one, because my motivation for university and such is low at the moment. And I missed Sward a bit, he was so occupied with work, doing things for friends, neighbours and who knows whom that he was too exhausted to stay awake in the evening when he was finally home.

He was really unsatisfied with the situation as well and wanted to make Friday night a film night for the two of us. Going to the bedroom early, watching a film, talk and have some private time. But on Friday, he was more tired than ever. It has gotten cold outside and he is out in the fresh air all day. When he comes home in the evening, to our warm flat, an hour after he arrived home it's dark outside, he just feels sleepy. I made hotpot yesterday evening and noticed that he got quite grumpy after dinner. After some time on the couch he suddenly got up (after I repeated asked him if he wanted to go to the bedroom and watch something) and announced: “I am going to bed.” Lin and I looked baffled at each other. When I went after him, he explained that he was really unsatisfied with his weariness and fatigue and that he knew that if we started to watch a film, he would have been asleep within minutes. That the soup had doubled the effect and that he couldn't cuddle with me the next morning because he wanted to get going early to get some things done. But he wanted a nice evening with me and so on …

Well there was nothing to be done about it, if he was too tired to keep his eyes open. So I suggested to swap nights, that I stay with Lin for Friday and that we will get our night today. Spoke to him, spoke to Lin, all are happy

Another short anecdote that happened yesterday: I was surfing the net and found a thread about a wife (37) who suspected her husband (42) to have an affair with her mother (61). All three under one roof and financially entwined with the installment for the house and such. Really creepy story, the mother seems to try to steal the life of her daughter and lived entirely through her child. When my mother knocked to talk to me about the carpet that she wanted to lay in the hallway (because of the noise of the wooden staircase) I told her how unbelievable this story seems to be. She felt my indignation and replied jokingly: “Indeed, the world can be a strange place. Unbelievable! But, there are so many things. If Sward would be at work overtime and you and Lin would start an affair, unbelievable!” She didn't wait for my reaction and was half out the door at that moment, not implying anything.

But I was kind of shocked foremost. After a moment I talked to Lin about her comment and how firmly she seems to believe that there would never even be a possibility of something like that happening. Lin said that he just doesn't evoke such thoughts within her. He isn't seen as a 'threat' at all. Combined with her morals or the way she pictures me (I don't know which is more relevant in this), I doubt that she will second guess the situation on her own. I am predicting that this will leave her speechless and flabbergasted. But well, let's take a step at a time and see when this will be a topic we need to talk about.

Sward and Lin talked about children during the week. And Lin has come around to consider this possibility to happen within a year's time. And he naturally had some thoughts on the topic. He himself noticed that he will have some problems now and then. E.g. what if Sward's child would attach him/herself more to Lin than to Sward? Falling down, getting up, running to Lin screaming because of some pain. Lin said he would feel hurt if this would happen with 'his' child. That's where I skipped in and added for consideration that this would imply a 'my child, your child' attitude. That I would imagine a situation like this to not come to life just because both would look at the children as 'our'.

And that I think it would be really unfair to have such possessive expectations towards a child which the little one would surely try to match to please the parent holding them. Without knowing why it was wrong that he/she acted on his/her feelings and made the parent sad. Another issue of Lin is that he feels a little sting that Sward will be 'the first' to become a father. He himself noted that this and most of his other fears are purely ego-driven and that he knows that if Sward and I wouldn't be so into the topic, he wouldn't have considered having children within the next 3 or 4 years. But it was great that he spoke his mind and that he already thinks about all this stuff when it's still quite a bit down the road.

It wasn't a heavy discussion. All of us know that this will be a giant step to take and that we will have to grow with the situation as soon as it is present. Even though I spoke of the negative sides now, they are really positive when the topic in on the table and both seem to look forward to such an extension of our family. I think it is good that they are juggling with the possibilities and expectations they have. I see a lot of work coming our way in the future, but I am a bit excited and looking forward to be in the position to actually do it then
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Last edited by Phy; 11-12-2011 at 08:42 AM.
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Old 11-12-2011, 11:37 AM
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Mya Mya is online now
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Interesting discussion about kids! I love how openly you guys can talk about everything, all three of you together. It's inspiring.
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Living with Hank (partner) and rory (ex-partner/friend), also dating Ray
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children, cohabitation, coming out, communication, couple, family, kids, ldr, lessons, living together, marriage, metamours, mono/poly, moving in, opening a relationship, primary, time management, vee

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