Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #261  
Old 10-11-2012, 10:34 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 492
Default

I am sorry to hear that. It is so sad to have to make that choice, I know. I am sure you made the right decision, it is that last loving act you have to do with a pet... *hugs*
__________________
In long-term relationships with Alec and Mya. Seeing Lily. Metamours with Hank.
Reply With Quote
  #262  
Old 10-11-2012, 10:47 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 6,754
Default

((( hugs )))
__________________
Hot chick in the city.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me.
~Bryan Ferry
Reply With Quote
  #263  
Old 10-13-2012, 06:33 AM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 597
Default

You are so sweet, thanks for your sympathy. I am better, we are coping and working on handling the empty space she left. I will steer clear of whelps for now, because I know that I will ultimately want a new dog in my life, but the thought just doesn't feel good for now.

Both of mine have just been incredible. Sward was a bit more down than I expected and Lin was trying to take care of us, but felt a bit helpless standing next to us, witnessing our hurt and sorrow and not being able to lift it. Even though he definitely did, it was a huge help to have someone not so emotionally involved with us.

What I noticed today, is that it is beneficial to have another relationship right at hand to remind you of what you need from time to time. The relationship between Lin and I has been deepening steadily till now. Sometimes I could just cuddle him to death, never want to let him go, am all over him as soon as I get the chance to do so and that is something I am missing in regard to Sward at the moment.

He is a bit distant and stressed and still hurts because of the problems with his back as it seems. Problematic is his old habit of not speaking up in such situations, leaving us clueless about what is bugging him and how to handle his grumpiness. As a result I feel more and more disconnected, especially as our time is quite limited at the moment. I recognized that I started missing him some days ago. Back when we were just the two of us, I would have retired into my own bubble and keep sulking for some attention while I knew that I can't change the situation right now, as he just got no time and I can't make his pain go away.

But because of the stable and great relationship with Lin I strongly wish to equalize the two relationships and am more intolerant to such behavior on his part. Not to get it wrong, I don't want them to be equal, but I want to be equally satisfied in my relationships. I have had some passive aggressiveness going on there previously and I am happy that I tend to get active in this new situation.
__________________
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #264  
Old 10-19-2012, 07:05 AM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 597
Default

Just a short update.

Sward's and my time is still severely limited right now. I don't like that, but I can't do something about it. Everyone is immersed in work and obligations. Waiting for the weekend to come.

Tuesday was my birthday. The day itself was hectic but in the evening we were invited for dinner at my parents house and celebrated a bit. Sward came in late because he had his treatments for his back pain. I liked how everyone was able to talk totally normal and free with each other, even though I went there with Lin first. My mother seems to handle 'us' way better if no outsiders are involved. It will get better from now on, I suppose

Later that evening I got my birthday wish fulfilled, meaning both signed up for a night on the couch and some individual couple activities right beforehand. It was no problem at all. Everyone had this short moment of “Shouldn't it be weird to sleep with one, then the other and finally cuddle on the sofa all three of us?” but it just wasn't. I spend the night rolling from one side to the other and spoon cuddle them.

We talked about Christmas as well. The parents of my BiL will be with us this year. They are an older couple, his father is suffering the repercussions of a stroke and his mother just needs some company during that time of the year. The more, the merrier I like it when families come together. Definitely looking forward to it.

And I got my first official grades (just part of those I will have to get in spring). Things are looking good, I guess I am prepared.
__________________
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #265  
Old 10-20-2012, 05:19 AM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 597
Default

And another thing on my mind:

There are some reality shows on German TV that show polyamorous couples as of late. Not regularly but I have seen a vee constellation twice by now. Really unhealthy stuff in one case and nothing too positive in the other, they don't give a good impression or something like that, but they are there. While watching this unhappy woman fighting for the divorce of her partner and his still-wife who both lived with her at that point in time, I thought about when the last time has been I have asked Sward and Lin if they are happy with the way things are.

So I did; Lin was watching the show with me. “Have you ever thought about having me all to yourself lately?” Short pause - “No, not that I remember.” “Does Sward's presence upset you in any way or can you think of him as positive?” “No, I don't think of him as negative. I like doing things with him, like shopping, discussing the latest game news, gossiping about our neighbors (grins), making dinner and watching him eating every last bit on the plate. I have to take care of our Daddy Bear, he is working way too much right now.”

I did the same later when Sward and I were lying in bed and talking. “Is there any negativity you combine with Lin's presence? Have you ever thought about how nice it would be to have me all to yourself again?” “I don't think about things like that. Lin is here. And it's positive that he is. (smiles) He does all the housekeeping! (short pause) But sometimes I would like some more time with you alone in the house. He is always there when I am. Except for the time he sleeps in every day when we are already awake. But that's a minor point. Everything is good.”

Still things to discover, as it seems. I haven't thought about Sward's last point. Checking in is necessary from time to time. But I am glad that We are doing good
__________________
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #266  
Old 10-20-2012, 03:22 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 952
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
Checking in is necessary from time to time. But I am glad that We are doing good
So happy your living-together Vee is going well. Ours is chugging along just great. One new development is that they have acquired a new hobby together that gets them out of the house for a day or two at a time, leaving me with some much needed home-alone-time to putter around and recharge.

I find that I am hesitant to "check in" when things are going well - like I don't want to "rock the boat"...so I have to remind myself to do it. Generally, I have always gotten the "all good here" thumbs up - occasionally they will have some minor point or suggestion to discuss. We generally leave it with a reminder that its best to just speak up right away if something is off - which we have all gotten pretty good at.

Joy!

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3 yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS; married to TT, poly male
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #267  
Old 10-31-2012, 03:23 AM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 597
Default A little crush

Life is still quiet at the moment. I am kind of unsettled about something I can't name, but I guess that is the lingering stress in regard to my seminar papers I need to compose the upcoming weeks. I can't pin down why I am feeling a bit uneasy. It's just in the back of my mind.

In regard to my personal state of mind, I noticed something about me that left me dumbstruck for a moment. It seems as if I have a little crush on my literary studies professor. I can't point to a similar situation back in my personal history where something like that had happened. That's why I found it so strange, when I noticed that my heart was beating at an insane speed when I first saw her again after the summer break and prepared to talk to her about some Puritan picture that she put up for discussion.

Have I ever had something like a crush on one of my teachers? I don't think so, that's really new and in a way exciting for me, because somehow one could regard this as my first crush at all. I never felt nervous about talking to anyone, it was more a “Those are my feelings, what about you?” thing mostly. But there I was, sitting in my seminar, waiting for my turn to speak up and analyze the pictures and feeling that my chest tightened by the thought of finally talking to her again. It got hard to breathe even.

Strange situation for sure and it got even weirder later that evening. I visit two of her seminars and we know each other since 5 semesters, but I haven't been to her courses for a year. We don't know each other that well personally; there has been an excursion in 2010 and I tend to speak up a lot when things are interesting, that's why she knows that I know my stuff. She likes to turn to me when she looks for a different point of view, because we mostly agree that we do not agree on the minor details. It's really fun to discuss topics or themes with her, at least our minds get along great.

It got weird when the last seminar ended and I was getting ready to catch my bus and train, because it was an evening seminar and I can hardly get home after those. Suddenly she came after me and asked: “Is it OK for you if people may notice that we know each other?” … I was like What the heck does she mean? As I got to hurry I just said “No problem!”, chatted about something seminar related and left, but this little question stuck. I didn't understand what could be problematic about this or what the dimension behind this question could have been.

That was the reason why I decided to write her an email. I was worried that she may have been in trouble with being too personal with her students in general or she may found my behavior (hurrying out the door to get my bus) rude and was unsure if something about our last discussion annoyed me or whatever there could be behind her question. Because I really like her, the email got a bit longer and the reply was long as well. She had been worrying about putting too much pressure on me by expecting me to have knowledge beyond the actual topic at hand because she knows about me from other courses already. I know that she loves to tease people a bit and get them out of their shells and she can be enthusiastic and just carries you along when she is at it. (Great sense of humor and an ironic person by heart in a way, I like that about her ) And she told me that she would have worried about this the whole evening if she didn't speak up as she did. Oh so similar, aren't we?

In the end we decided that we should get together for a coffee some time soon, because we didn't really know each other up to now. It was just an average professor-student relationship, I am quite a private person in all aspects of my life normally. So, we will see. I guess this crush will stay on the theoretical level, but it is nice to feel this sensation.

Sward and Lin were teasing me about it. They just find it interesting and especially Lin smirked about the fact that both of us got worked up by such a minor thing that we were exchanging long mails around 10-11 p.m. in the night.
__________________
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #268  
Old 10-31-2012, 09:41 AM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 492
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
In regard to my personal state of mind, I noticed something about me that left me dumbstruck for a moment. It seems as if I have a little crush on my literary studies professor. I can't point to a similar situation back in my personal history where something like that had happened.
It was sooo funny to read this because I'm experiencing same thing for the first time, too! I don't know her at all, though, but I'm finding her attractive for she seems very intelligent and passionate and she has a pretty non-normative style for a university teacher. Definitely have no trouble attending that lecture at 10am...
__________________
In long-term relationships with Alec and Mya. Seeing Lily. Metamours with Hank.
Reply With Quote
  #269  
Old 10-31-2012, 06:29 PM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 597
Default

Strange coincidence, indeed ^.^

I like the fact that this crush is more intellectual than physical though. Don't get me wrong, she is not looking too bad, but she is soooo tiny from my point of view. Every time we talk face to face after the course I search for something to sit on to lower myself to her eye level. She hardly reaches my breast height. That's why I don't think I will develop a serious interest in her. I was already worrying about 'hurting' Lin in the beginning, I guess I couldn't handle someone of her height/size at all

But you are totally right, it is quite motivating. Even though I come home late I don't mind as much as I would have if it would have been someone else to hold this seminar.
__________________
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog

Last edited by Phy; 10-31-2012 at 06:31 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #270  
Old 11-16-2012, 07:57 AM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 597
Default Jealousy

I experienced some jealousy. Not the totally negative type and nothing in regard to a romantic relationship but because some connection between Sward and Lin *scratches head* Well, what happened.

Sward and Lin started to share a hobby as of late and they are really into it. Theorising a lot and spending hours with small details, being real nerds about all of it. Nothing I can really relate to except that I had a look into it to understand what they are talking about there. Normally Lin's and Sward's attention is more or less focused on me when I come home, telling about my day and what happened in university or with friends they both know. Sward tells us about his day as well during that time and later we have dinner. (Aren't I in for routine? )

Yesterday, I came home a bit earlier and Sward arrived some minutes after me. I started talking about a friend who was a bit down because of his relationship status (single, four years right now) and Lin was responding because he knows this friend quite well. Suddenly Sward commented on something hobby-related and Lin's attention made a U-turn and I was left alone in the middle of the conversation. After some minutes he remembered that he had been talking to me originally and asked about our friend as if the interruption hadn't taken place at all. I didn't respond, Sward noticed that I wasn't too pleased with what had happened right away.

Well later on, Lin and I were talking about something else and again, Sward made a comment hobby-related and again, Lin was instantly engrossed in the topic. That's when I have had enough and told them, that I would love the person not participating in the conversation (Sward mostly, he likes to listen to our chat) to try to wait until it has ended or if he wanted to add something, then do it topic related in some kind of way. Beside the rudeness I sensed there, I noticed that it was strange to share Lin's attention in such a way. I got a bit possessive and sulky in similar situations before when they were totally immersed in their own world.

All ended with an apology from Sward for interrupting our chat constantly and from Lin for flipping back and forth and I just gave up on telling anything else and let them have their hobby-time. *sigh* How complicated the little matters can be
__________________
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
children, cohabitation, coming out, communication, couple, family, kids, ldr, lessons, living together, marriage, metamours, mono/poly, moving in, opening a relationship, primary, time management, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:08 AM.