Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #251  
Old 09-13-2012, 06:32 AM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 604
Default V-Dynamics

Yeay, some poly related things happening again I always feel kind of normal and reassured when we encounter those little traps. Another pitfall discovered on our way to eternal poly-happiness! (^.-)

This has happened some days ago and I stopped pondering about it on Tuesday. After the last year all of us are able to see some underlying patterns in our everyday life and how each is influencing the other(s). Those lead to a quarrel.

Sward and my dynamic is old and full of routine. He knows that I don't like to be talked to when I come home. I need some time to think things through, maybe finish doing something or just occupy myself with unrelated stuff to calm down and really 'arrive' at home. Lin doesn't know this pattern, or he hasn't adjusted to it yet. He normally asks when I enter the door how my day has been and what happened and I taciturnly mumble two or three word answers if he is lucky. Later, when Sward arrives and has had his twenty minutes or half an hour to acclimatize ( he is just like me in that regard), we start talking naturally about everything. A problem that arose on a regular basis through this pattern, was that Lin was in the kitchen during those periods, doing the dish washing and we were in the study making plans what to do the next day or on a special date. Something to keep in mind.

This is just one example there are some more. But the most stressing one is something Lin discovered and brought to my attention during our quarrel. Sward and I are like siblings from time to time. Lin said that he was constantly reminded of his brother and sisters teasing each other until one is crying. Our most favorite topics: weight and time spend with others. And Sward and I had no idea that those had some inherent patterns.

Sward has lost about 50 lbs by now. A real success and of course I am happy for him. BUT he loves to rub this into my face. He thinks it's funny and does mean no harm (90% of the time at least ) But when he enters the room wearing his old jeans (those two which are the only ones I can wear at the moment) showing off and telling me how they don't really fit … yeah, not nice from my point of view.

I on the other hand tend to needle him about his animated contact with our neighbor's daughter. Ok, he is helping her coping with a total douchebag, but (it's going back and forth for months by now) I don't have any sympathy for her any longer. And he is all over her, chatting till late in the night, texting half of the evening and visiting the house next door a bit too regularly for the few time he and I have.

And every time he or I start teasing the other, we tend to go into sulk-mood as a reaction to it. And the one suffering because of this is Lin. Last week he has had enough. Sward teased me and I reacted instantly. The day Lin and I spend with each other was great, Lin has been looking forward to the night as well and then Sward came, making digs at me, my mood going south and our evening as well. He called me on this behavior and spoke his mind. Lin is the most uncomplicated person I can think of. If something is too stressful, he just leaves it be. In contrast to him, Sward and I are real Drama-Queens. What I got out of our discussion that night, was that I certainly have to look out for Lin's needs a bit more and to call Sward on our teasing behavior. As I said, I didn't notice that there was a pattern. Sometimes it's really beneficial to have a third point of view.

The other thing happened yesterday evening. The day was quite stressful, I was running around in university half of it and most of the night I wasn't able to sleep because of our dog. When I came home around 4 pm I finished some paperwork but couldn't concentrate because the flat was soooo … untidy and unclean. If I want to be productive, I visit the library because I love the atmosphere there with all the books around (it speaks of work and concentration kind of) or I tidy up the whole flat to not be distracted by the chaos around me. I didn't notice the state of the flat for days, because I stayed home most of the last two weeks and I don't see things piling up if I don't leave and come back.

That resulted in me coming home, instantly pissed off by all the things lying around and starting to clean. Without talking more than 10 words with Lin, whom I haven't seen that day because I left the house early. I noticed that he was in a bad mood later that evening, but I thought that we could talk later in bed where he went unusually early over the course of the evening. I stayed with Sward and ate something and we talked a bit as usual. When I got ready to leave, to spend the night with Lin Sward gave me a blank look. “Why are you wishing me a good night? It's Wednesday, you are with me tonight.”

I totally mixed up the schedule. I needed some seconds to realize that I not only mixed things up, but I additionally really wanted to spend the night with Lin. Sward quickly reassured me that this was fine, I should go and spend the night with Lin if I wished to, but I discovered an old problem. I went to be with Lin, but I was having a really bad conscience because of it. I made a choice and spoke out a preference … I am no good with this. The last time I stumbled over expressing my needs was in March. There have been two or three occasions where I chose as well but this time I was having a problem again. Don't really know why, maybe because I was having a bad day generally.

Our schedule is really beneficial for our everyday life, especially for my inner peace as it seems. I spoke to both of them about it and there isn't anything rubbing them the wrong way about it. I need to make up my mind what is bugging me as it seems. Kind of unable to corner it right now.
__________________
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #252  
Old 09-19-2012, 10:42 AM
MrFarFromRight's Avatar
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Smack in the middle of The Spanish Revolution!
Posts: 483
Default

Hi Phy!
I'm sorry that I haven't been following this thread lately. I haven't been getting much time on Internet. I'm going to copy it all out and read it at home (no Internet, but more time with a computer). I see that you're trying for a child. Read my 2 comments on this thread. As I wrote, the book "Kiss Me" has already been translated into German.

You might also find something useful in another comment of mine on http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=28690

A big hug to you and I'll write more after I've caught up.
XXX MFFR
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
Reply With Quote
  #253  
Old 09-19-2012, 01:30 PM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 604
Default

Hey MrFFR

Didn't know that you were following it, but good to hear from the silent readers as well ^.^

Don't stress yourself too much, I know that you have difficulties with your internet access in general. Looking forward to hear from you and the ideas and yome of your possible flashes of insight later

Have heard from the book you where talking about in this other thread ("Kiss me"). I was thinking about buying it. But I guess I will start reading nonstop as soon as we are there and things are getting 'real' in regard to the baby-topic. Thanks for pointing me towards other threads about it around here.

Take care.
__________________
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #254  
Old 09-26-2012, 12:19 AM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 604
Default

It's Sward and my anniversary today. Twelve years already. Feels like less, definitely. Not much I can talk about though. I love going out with him and we will go to our favorite Greek restaurant later this evening. I noticed that the feel is different when going out with Sward or with Lin. It's not for Lin and I. We don't mesh that well with this stuff. At least not so well like Sward and I.

I got my self thinking how happy I am when we walked some little path beside one of our local rivers and had both of them in front of me, walking slowly, chatting and planning something. Looking at their backs, all I could do was maintaining a content smile. When Lin turned around to talk to me, he caught me smirking and without a comment his gaze softened as well. He nudged Sward and said: “Look, seems as if somebody's happy here.” And both of them pulled me in between and we walked on. Haven't had some 'sandwich-cuddle-time' lately, will need some this weekend
__________________
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #255  
Old 09-26-2012, 02:42 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,288
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
. . . all I could do was maintaining a content smile. When Lin turned around to talk to me, he caught me smirking and without a comment his gaze softened as well. He nudged Sward and said: “Look, seems as if somebody's happy here.” And both of them pulled me in between and we walked on.
Awwww. This made me smile. You've got a good thing going on there, lady (but you already know that).

__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #256  
Old 10-01-2012, 04:18 AM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 604
Default Outed

Yes, Miss Indie, I know it, but 'the world' sometimes doesn't seem to be able to see it. But your comment made me smile as well, so thanks for that.

We have had another rough encounter on the 'coming out' front. Or better: a 'being outed' evening. Sward and I have been asked to help with a 73rd birthday and as his back and especially leg are worsening again, Lin filled in for him. He wouldn't have been able to stand and walk the whole evening. And I didn't thought much of this change. Well, I could have thought twice about it, as it was the birthday of 'our queen' (shooting association).

We didn't talk much about our relationship and weren't planning on starting something in that direction as those people are the friends of my parents and sister and just told them, that Lin was Sward's and my roommate. Most were satisfied with that and asked some more questions about his origins, as his dialect is quite notable. And suddenly a woman from my mother's table says to me: “Do we have to talk some, Phy? I am hearing all kind of things about your 'wild life'!” I was a bit surprised and made a university related joke but she was serious and later that evening we talked.

Ah dear, I tend to get comfy too fast and too soon. It wasn't so much what she said that upset me but my own reaction to it, that unnerved me a bit. Luckily I was able to just end on a 'I understand that you aren't able to understand my feelings' note but I was a bit disappointed. I feel so at home right now and so protected, secure, loved … that I can't really relate to those more negative mindsets easily anymore. Why can't people just believe you that you are happy? And, more especially, that the people around you are happy?

Because Sward has been her main concern. How dare I do this to him? I wasn't respecting him any longer or the vows we made. I was hurting him and his 'male ego' by living with two men. Because male egos are different from female ones, we are able to cope but men aren't. (Uhg-hm. She got my piece of mind on that one.) I had missed something, Sward hasn't been able to provide me with what I needed. Which one do I love right now? Why am I hurting those two/mainly Sward like that? There has to be something wrong with me. I was turning the 'roles' around and claiming a male position. Why did I register on dating sides? (That there was something besides dating sides on the net where you can meet people was totally unimaginable for her.) Some more points that won't come to mind right now, but the list went on.

Well, the most disturbing aspect was that my mother was the one who told everyone about us. And not on the best note. I was confused and confronted her. Why talk about it if she was uncomfortable with talking about it? Apparently the question has been raised, who Lin was and she felt more comfortable with attacking than denial. Half of the truth wouldn't have hurt anyone, but if she thinks so … her problem from now on. I normally don't get in touch with those people. But there is a bad aftertaste in this case.
__________________
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #257  
Old 10-11-2012, 10:44 AM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 604
Default Farewell

Our old lady was put to sleep. It has been an emotional week and I don't feel that great right now. I have to admit that I am calmer now than I have been before the decision was made and especially calmer than the day Sward brought her to the vet, but I don't really know how to handle that emptiness inside of me. For some this may not be reasonable, but she was a big part of my/our life. I first saw her when she was 2 weeks old, barely filling the palm of my hand, and now, almost 10 years later, she had to go.

Such a hard decision to make, I feel like I killed her and in a way that is true. It was my decision, it was my dog, whatever the reasons may be, I ended her life. Having a hard time coping with that, right now.

It was a great help that Sward felt able to go with her and be with her when she closed her eyes and bury her afterwards on the property of his parents. I wasn't able to be with him or her in that moment. And it was an equal relief to have Lin with me at home, calming me down a bit. I would say that this has been the right decision, I can't look at dead people or animals, especially if I knew them when they have been still alive or relate to them. My last memories of her are that of an old, but happy she-dog.

I won't look for another dog any time soon. I have to come to terms with all of this first. It seems as if this will take a while.
__________________
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog

Last edited by Phy; 10-11-2012 at 07:31 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #258  
Old 10-11-2012, 11:45 AM
BrigidsDaughter's Avatar
BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 822
Default

I am sorry for your loss. *hugs* We had to put my husband'"s cat to sleep in the middle of grieving the death of my father-in-law. It was hard, but his kidneys went into failure as a result of him contracting FIV from a fight with a stray. He was a old kitty - 16 or 17 when he died and we still miss him.
Reply With Quote
  #259  
Old 10-11-2012, 07:23 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552
Default

*HUGS* I'm so sorry. I've been through having to put a pet down a few times, sending comfort and healing vibes your way.
__________________
~~~~~~~~~
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
Reply With Quote
  #260  
Old 10-11-2012, 09:13 PM
fuchka's Avatar
fuchka fuchka is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 338
Default

Sad news, Phy. The impact of this has nothing to do with reasonableness/not... it's real and is a common experience for humans to feel deep loss for animals they have loved and been close to. Many including myself have shared a similar pain. Sending love out to you at this time.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
children, cohabitation, coming out, communication, couple, family, kids, ldr, lessons, living together, marriage, metamours, mono/poly, moving in, opening a relationship, primary, time management, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:09 AM.