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  #191  
Old 05-20-2012, 12:38 PM
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Default Marrone and the brothel

Well, time to add the first new name to my story. I assume that I will talk about her from time to time and it's inconvenient to always talk about her as 'Sward's friend'. I have mentioned her two or three times up to now, she was the one Sward talked to when I visited Lin for the second time and she keeps coming over regularly lately. I will call her Marrone. She reminds me of dark chocolate, has curly, deep brown hair (with a slight red tone from time to time), a nice timbre to her voice and dark brown eyes. I needed to add the 'e' to make the name a bit more feminine for my taste, as the original French word for brown is simply marron (she is half French). I know that this makes the word Italian, but bear with me

So, having said as much, she is a good friend of Sward, they know each other since early childhood, she works in the same field of work as him and they get along great. Both have been interested in each other during their teenage years, but somehow it never happened. Both assuming that the other wouldn't be interested, different times of crushing on each other, occupied with others and so on. They have always been best friends despite not regularly seeing each other over the years. Since our 'poly-thing' started, they have seen each other quite regularly.

We went drinking yesterday evening, as she felt the need to just go out and (as we got to know later) simply talk to someone about her relationship. To give a short overview: She has a partner who lives some hours away from here, they see each other more irregularly than regularly every other week and right now, there has been some kind of pause as he refuses to drive down to visit her. It's some kind of power play. This may sound a bit immature, but honestly, I never got how both of them work relationship-wise. They can argue about who will have to go to the shed to get the gas bottle for the heating for weeks, both freezing in the meantime because no one wants to be the one to give in. As I said, how this may work on a daily basis is a total mystery for me.

But, as it has come to a halt right now, she told us yesterday that she has started an affair with someone from our region. Because there are still needs she intends to please and she feels to be absolutely in the right to handle things the way she does right now, as he refuses to come down to see her. Oh dear, … I really like her, we are totally on the same wavelength normally, but I just shook my head. Lin got really worked up over this and Sward stayed completely silent. Marrone herself noticed that she felt uncomfortable telling us about it, as all of our reactions spoke clearly of disagreement but she said that it was her business.

Well, yes, of course, it is her business, but she asked for our point of view by telling us about it. At least that is how I felt. We didn't argue about it for long, we simply stated that she should think hard about the double standard she is having right there as she would end the relationship the moment she would hear about him doing something along those lines and told her that this wouldn't be the way to a fulfilling, long lasting, quiet and satisfying relationship she was seeking ultimately. Because that is her unfulfilled dream right now, a 'normal' relationship. Something like we have (Yes, we laughed at that point, because, well, aren't we normal and standard? ) It's the second time she cheats on him and seems to believe that he will just overcome it as he did the first time, because he seems to feel at fault in this situation. Really messed up from my point of view... let's see what will come out of it.

The second interesting thing that happened yesterday was that we visited the local brothel. I never have been inside and was always curious how the atmosphere may be. As Sward went there during the bachelor party and talked to the women while my brother in law got his lap dance, they invited him to come again and tell more about the unusual living arrangement we have at home. And to bring his wife and his wife's boyfriend with him. And as I am a really curious person, I took advantage of the situation to have a look inside ^.^ It was dark, mainly red and really cozy. Wood carvings everywhere, timber framing all over the place, many pillows and decoration. Quite a range of women as well, from slender to big, young to old, tiny to tall. The only similarity among them was that most were blond.

Two were really happy to see Sward again and welcomed us full of anticipation to hear our story. It seem to be absolutely unheard and unusual to them. While we told them the gist of everything one of the older ones, not directly sitting with us but in the next compartment, said: “That's just not done!” filled with indignation. Sward and I had to smirk about that, because, I mean, it's kind of strange to see how people from an (in our opinion) even more odd sphere of life can still judge others that adamantly.

I talked to one of them, a woman working as a prostitute for 10 years, being in a relationship with a man for 7 of those, to hear something about the difficulties she discovered in her every day life. She said that they use DADT policy at home. He doesn't want to hear about it, she simply goes to work in the evening and comes home in the morning. And it seem to be manageable like that. I didn't want to inquire her too much, but I will talk to her again, as they insisted on us visiting again to talk some more. I am really curious to hear their stories kind of.
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  #192  
Old 05-21-2012, 07:18 PM
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Talking Family on board - Part II

I told my family – I really told my family – I told my family finally! And it went better than expected.

Well, why now … Sward and I talked this morning about things disturbing us right now, things we aren't happy with at the moment. Mainly, I told him about things that got on my nerves lately. I am feeling like almost everything is at a standstill or in a waiting line. When we touched on the thing with my family and how I would like to have 'the talk' off the table finally. Sward said: “Now would be the right time. Your mother is feeling better, there is this situation with the neighbor's daughter and this little window of opportunity will be gone at the beginning of next week.” (My mother will have her second chemo treatment on Monday.) He basically gave me the 'go for it'.

Therefore I talked with my brother in law when we went for the morning walk with the dogs. He wasn't that surprised, as there have been occurrences where he and my sister witnessed something like Lin calling me honey without thinking, some unclear movement behind the windows when Sward was already asleep and so on. Btw this was the reason why my sister was so hostile towards Lin in the beginning, as she seems to have witnessed some physical interaction between Lin and I right during the first week of his visit back then. She thought we would be cheating on my husband at first. (And she didn't say a word, I was a bit shocked by that.)

After the quite relaxed talk with BiL I talked to my mother. She never thought about this possible development beforehand, she was surprised but not shocked. She told me that she is a bit worried about children and possible breakups as she regarded this kind of relationship constellation as more unstable than the traditional one (more people, more problems) but she was able to joke about it right away and was really calm and collected. She broached the topic of 'how will you make sure who will be the father?' and 'how should the child call the two men when finally born and able to speak?' and things like that. Real practical approach so far.

As she was one of those teasing Lin constantly already, she directly said that he will be the odd one out for life and a 'victim' for her wee jokes, as she found the thought of him with me quite amusing. In her view Lin is just tiny, cute, someone you need to take care of … he totally activates her motherly instincts. She said that she will have an eye on the situation and how the things will develop and wished us luck in our endeavor. This could really have gone way worse than that ^.^

My sister was informed by Lin while I was away to work. (Her husband told her that I would like to tell her something and she bugged him that long that he finally gave in and went to see Lin and let him explain.) She seems to have no problems at all right now, I expected her to get a bit irritated and protective of Sward. She seems to be OK as long as she gets the feeling that we are happy and well. My brother was even more relaxed, the talk didn't last longer than 10 minutes. I simply told him that I have 'a husband and a boyfriend', he took about 10 seconds to process this information and finally asked if I knew the name for my quirk After I told him the gist, he simply hugged me and said everything is fine. He promised to come to talk to me if there would be any further questions on his mind.

The only person missing right now is my father. He isn't home and will be back on Wednesday. No one was able to predict how he could react. I don't know as well, this may really be a bother ultimately for him. But we will see, the rest of my family has taken it well. And I feel freed from this constant nagging feeling of having to look out how I interact with Lin. As it seems Lin and I haven't been successful in concealing what was going on between us. My sister and her husband told us as much right away, we were quite obvious, even though we ourselves felt like we didn't even exchanged looks on most official occasions. *shrugs shoulders* There seem to have been some kind of connection between us without us doing anything to stress it.
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  #193  
Old 05-21-2012, 08:44 PM
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Oh it's so good to hear that telling the family went well! My mom took it quite the same way, mainly practical questions at first. She did come up with more personal questions later but it's still all good. I hope your dad takes it well, too.
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  #194  
Old 05-21-2012, 08:45 PM
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Wow, I'm so happy for you! Congrats on finally telling and it going so well!
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  #195  
Old 05-21-2012, 09:00 PM
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Hooray and congratulations!
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  #196  
Old 05-22-2012, 05:26 AM
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Indeed, it's just great to have things working out that effortlessly in a way. I braced myself for some rough talk beforehand. I know that there may be some aftermaths in this, but I am optimistic that no major problems will arise. Seems like our way of not telling them at first and letting everyone get used to the situation was the right way to go. I think my mother would have been a bit more defensive if she would have been informed when things started out back then. I am curious if I will be able to say 'all's well that ends well' after Thursday Hoping for the best.
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  #197  
Old 05-22-2012, 12:10 PM
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Default The turnabout

Seems as if I was too happy too soon. Kind of knew that it couldn't be that easy. My mother is having her meltdown since yesterday evening.

Problems she discovered while thinking about it are mainly about the public image, mine and Sward's as well as the one of the family and with the general poly relationship versus marriage.

Regarding the first issue, we live in a small town. The shooting association is a big factor in our local society and the marksmen's festival is a big event every other year. My parents are 'big shots' around that circle as my father was champion shot two times in a row and they were the center of all public events during those times. What will the people think … is what is mainly bugging her right now. And that is really hurtful as I perceive it. She even told me that she would prefer me never talking about it at all and her keeping on pretending that everything is still perfect. Meaning in her words: “I wouldn't have a problem as long as you would live far away from here, now I will have it right in my face all the time.” Obviously coming across as 'move away and everything will be OK again'. I know that she may need time to process this shock but the way she works through it is damn poor and unfitting. Really hurting right now.

I understand the other issue basically but not the way she explained it. There wouldn't have be a problem if I would have been lesbian. Because I would have had one partner still. How the hell is that connected to the picture perfect family she has in mind when talking about monogamy? Yes, I know, she is irrational right now, but seriously talking about the way it should be, man and woman and then telling me that what I do is more problematic as being lesbian in this context? Come on!

I won't be able to find a job, I won't be able to live a normal life, she will have to defend me even though she thinks that everything is messed up because I am her daughter, why can't I be normal once in my life, why do I have to do everything the wrong way just because I have this messed up volition that only works in my favor, I don't care about her one bit, why did I have to tell her this, now she won't be able to pretend nothing is going on and so on. This will take time. I don't know how long it will take till she found a way to process things and I find a way to overlook these hurtful words. Right now, I won't go to her to talk about it again.
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  #198  
Old 05-22-2012, 03:13 PM
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I'm sorry there's so often another shoe to drop when things seem to be taken well. I'm sure she'll come around, though, with time. *hugs*

I hate it particularly when somebody wants to closet me for their comfort. There are environments where I wont be out if I feel like it, but I will not give the choice to somebody who is ashamed of me. It does hurt when you are given the whole "what will people think" speech, I know.
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  #199  
Old 05-22-2012, 05:10 PM
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When I first told my parents about Gia, my mom was so unhappy. She just couldn't understand it and certainly didn't approve. A year later she could talk about it neutrally and ask questions. Now, a year after that, she asks how Gia and Bee are doing and seems genuinely happy to hear about it. I hope very much that your mother will also come around. I can definitely see why you'd be hurt. :/

That said, congratulations on telling your family and on the good reaction from most of them! It's a scary thing, and people can be so judgmental, but overall it sounds like they dealt with it impressively well.

Also, I loved the post about the brothel! Their eagerness to hear your story is so oddly refreshing.
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  #200  
Old 05-23-2012, 04:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
I hate it particularly when somebody wants to closet me for their comfort. There are environments where I wont be out if I feel like it, but I will not give the choice to somebody who is ashamed of me.
That's exactly the point that's getting to me. I won't excuse the way or what I am just because it is inconvenient for her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
When I first told my parents about Gia, my mom was so unhappy. She just couldn't understand it and certainly didn't approve. A year later she could talk about it neutrally and ask questions. Now, a year after that, she asks how Gia and Bee are doing and seems genuinely happy to hear about it. I hope very much that your mother will also come around. I can definitely see why you'd be hurt. :/
I hope that she will reach this point. Partially because I don't want her fretting over this while being in therapy. This can only be counter productive. I am able to give her as much time as she needs, but not in this way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
That said, congratulations on telling your family and on the good reaction from most of them! It's a scary thing, and people can be so judgmental, but overall it sounds like they dealt with it impressively well.

Also, I loved the post about the brothel! Their eagerness to hear your story is so oddly refreshing.
Yeah, my brother, sister and brother-in-law took it great. No problems visible the second day as well. Concerning the brothel, I thought exactly the same when I watched them while I spoke about everything.

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Things are getting ugly more and more right now. The part rubbing me the wrong way is that she started to vent behind our backs right after our talk and got real personal while at it. If there is a problem, tell the person involved straight to the face. All of this is a huge revelation of how different I am from my family. Sister and BiL are at a loss as to how to react to this. Their way is not getting involved and not taking sides. Valid choice, I didn't want them to be on anyone's 'side' in the first place, I can handle my problems alone and won't rely on any third party to do so in my shoes.

What I can't tolerate is the way my mother is portrait as the poor ill person, not knowing what she says right now. I know that there is a lot of stress, especially in this situation and that it is adding up for her because she seems to have general problems with what I have told her but sorry, I won't excuse the way she handled things because of it. I know well how shocking this can be, how long one can take to wrap the mind around the whole concept; I took years, I won't deny her the same right to do so. All fine, not the best and wished outcome, but fine. But the way she is getting personal here, is unacceptable for me.

I understand her desire to make all of this unknown to her. To pretend that nothing happened, that her family is still perfect. I don't understand telling me to get lost and move away from here. I understand that she values the concept of monogamous marriages. I don't understand her telling me that being lesbian and with one female partner is way more acceptable than being poly and with two of whatever gender. I understand (partially) that she is furious about us not telling her right from the beginning and her feeling cheated into building the room for Lin and getting it done as soon as possible. I don't understand how just being in a relationship with me makes all the reasons why we wanted to move him, which she supported as well, invalid all of the sudden.

I understand that she has a certain blueprint about how men and women should be and behave. But venting and complaining to my sister and her husband that Sward, who was always there for her, did things for her around the house and in the garden or at any given occasion, becomes a pussy without some will of his own who was manipulated, dictated along with the little boy Lin into this kind of relationship from the great, evil me who always lived by her own standards and gave a shit about the feelings of others.

The point which Sward is most outraged about is the one she made about me collecting men who aren't able to support a family financially (this was during the time when things looked still good and she was jokingly mentioning it). He does everything he can to make the utmost of his given abilities; Lin said to him ( I love how they support each other right now, times of crisis show how the underlying dynamics work) that he never met a guy who was so selfless to always care for the wishes and needs of others (hers as well) and that my mother always complimented this and always thought highly of him. He is everybody's darling, the perfect son-in-law, every mother-in law's delight ... and now, all of a sudden he hasn't got the balls to speak up for himself and is the worst kind of man you may find out there. And all because of me, who is controlling everything and everyone to my liking.

This is getting way out of control in the personal department. I have no idea what kind of frustrated and maybe helpless feelings she has built-up over the years in regard to me, there seem to be plenty. And this is so shocking, because I never knew or realized that there was something like that. I will give her some days to come around and apologize for the way she went on about it. I don't expect her to be OK with everything, but if she wants us to keep up contact and communication, she will have to realize that this isn't the way to achieve it. I won't add any more fuel to the fire and listen to this kind of shit she is spreading right now.

Lastly, on a shorter note, negative developments were piling up yesterday on Sward's end. At work a 14 year old student apprentice was under his care for two weeks and obviously something happened during a break when he went to get some ice cream for her, another fellow worker and himself. It's still unclear what exactly happened, but she was greatly disturbed when he came back, had already called her mother and the police and accused the other man of having hugged and groped her. She is an exceptional shy girl and was all in tears.

Sward talked to the colleague and the mother later the evening and things are at a bad fit right now. No one knows if something happened to her before and she mixed the situations up because the co-worker hugged her or if he really did what she said he should have done. Whatever it is, both have poor social skills. She didn't liked to be too close to anyone right from the start and he, as a grown man, should know that you mustn't initiate physical contact out of the blue with a stranger (especially with a young girl). Sward isn't coping well with all of this, it's getting at him.
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Last edited by Phy; 05-23-2012 at 04:58 AM.
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