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  #11  
Old 07-06-2011, 02:37 PM
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Default Visit

The context of these thoughts is the weekend. Sward decided that it would be time to take Lin and my relationship to the actual level we wish for it to reach. He can't come to any further conclusions in a situation like it is now. Meaning Lin and me miles apart, just talking and longing for each other but no actual development. He says that he needs to experience the next step to know how to handle it.

Unnecessary to mention that I am nervous as hell. Like the first time I am going to stay with Lin for 4 days, from Friday till Tuesday. We agreed to skype at least once a day with Sward who set a date with an old friend of his to talk about the situation on Sunday afternoon. She isn't in the picture yet but he felt that he needs to talk about it once with a third person. A good friend of mine and his has consented to be available as well if he needs emotional support during this time. She was the first one I turned to when I needed an uninvolved point of view.

All I can feel, as Friday moves closer, is confusion, excitement and aplenty of fear. How will Sward react? Will he be able to handle this situation? What if not? We agreed to keep the 4 day visit from the first time. But this is rather long from his point of view. I would really wish for the possibility of a shorter visit on the one hand if I think about Sward.

On the other I know that it will be over in the blink of an eye. Yes, it was the possible maximum for the first time because who knows what we would have ended with if we would have been together just a day longer than that. But this time there are no boundaries, nothing to hold us back and if I look at it from that perspective … tooooo short *sigh*. But I shouldn't be greedy.

Well whatever it will be, I really can't wait for the weekend to come. And for Tuesday to reassure me that everything went well *keeps her fingers crossed*.
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  #12  
Old 07-06-2011, 06:15 PM
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Phy,

I really like your writing. You have beautiful style. Good luck this weekend. It sounds like the three of you are making good progress. I think most people struggle with the transition. It sounds like Lin and Sward are doing reasonably well. Are Lin and Sward interested in dating others?
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  #13  
Old 07-06-2011, 08:25 PM
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Default Everyday transition

Hey Ray,

thank you, you made me smirk with satisfaction and I wriggled on my chair because of pleasance due to your compliment Maybe these are the German influences which are still marked by my professors. I tend to be too wordy and to use too complicated sentence structures. One can go all out in regard to these aspects in German and I really love to write that way. But I try to adapt the other style. I don't need to here, because no one will skim my posts to actually correct them

The transition you mentioned is a strange thing in our case. It kind of happened already with none of us noticing in the past. The biggest surprise for me was when my husband told me, what he thought of the actual situation beforehand: That Lin and I already had established an relationship on the emotional level. He was somehow afraid of the sleeping dogs and wished to let them lie to be on the safer side. So he never spoke about it and Lin being part of our daily life became normal. Like a piece of furniture being always there . Well, it kind of not worked out in his favor but he had this aspect stomached long ago. Sward was aware that there was a deep connection, more than I ever thought he was.

That is the main reason why we discussed living together way before Lin's and my realization of our feelings. Sward wouldn't be able to live with just anyone. He liked Lin before we dropped this bomb in his lab. It didn't take him more than an hour to effectively use the word 'family' when thinking about the consequences of my wishes and desires and the conclusion he had to find concerning Lin. On the third day after my confession he talked with Lin for hours to get all this everyday stuff sorted out. Like best drinking buddies discussing the next jaunt. Except the fact that they were talking about me and Lin getting intimate along those lines... way too fast for my processing in this respect *mumbles* I was sitting in the back, red eared, speechless and grinning from ear to ear Such a complicated and wonderful situation to experience when you expected hell to brake loose after crushing the life of your spouse … life is definitely funny

If they are interested in dating others … well, after my first two posts concerning my double standards I luckily am able to say: No, they are not. Both are at this point in time sure that I am more than enough to handle and sure that they are mono and for the time being want to stay like this. Sward is a bit more open minded than Lin in regard to the whole idea of poly-whichever-of-the-forms it may be. But he thinks that it would be too much stress to actually explore this and he has never felt the urge to do so. As things are now, I think that he could one day get the notion of poly, but I don't think that he will explore it. But, never say never as I have just learned first hand *smirks* I would be in a real pinch if one of them would do so and get another one into our life. Can't imaging handling this situation at this point in time.

And a small incident that occurred this evening: I was really messed up because of all the strain. Chatted with Lin this morning/noon and the discussion stuck because of the obvious tension in the air and I (as always *sigh*) went silent and got lost in thoughts. Positive ones, really positive ones. Lin noticed (as always as well, he seems to have some little antennas that are adjusted to my emotional frequency ) and he left me alone for the rest of the day to calm down a bit. Originally I wanted to talk to Sward to check if he was really doing well with the weekend around the corner but when he came home from work I was so stressed that I started crying and hugged him silently. Nothing dramatically, tears are my way of dealing with too much stress... positive as negative one. The upshot was that I was pampered. When I wanted to relieve his stress, that wasn't there. Yes, of course he isn't sure how well he will take the whole situation but he is confident that everything will be ok. More than I can say about myself.

Last edited by Phy; 07-06-2011 at 09:59 PM.
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  #14  
Old 07-07-2011, 06:43 AM
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Default Catching up

The whole journey started some weks ago and I thought about adding or leaving my thoughts from back then. I think they are important enough to complete the picture and therefore I am adding the entries I did when coping with them. Four weeks ago I was just about to visit Lin for the first time after 3 1/2 years and some serious problems seemed to be right at hand.
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Old 07-07-2011, 06:53 AM
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(5 weeks ago) Actually, I was wondering if my feelings could be part of my imagination.

This happened in the first year after my realisation of my own feelings and again, after Lin had confessed to me some weeks ago. I asked myself: Are we just playing with our thoughts of the other without knowing what reality is like? Have we been in love with a spectre of our own wishes and hopes? I thought that for myself for sure, and I deemed him to be too alone and distant from others to really have had a “choice” to feel otherwise.

He was very ill during that time. Life-threatening ill. There have been points when I and even he (a positive and optimistic person by heart) thought that he was done for. But he recovered. And I had been there for him. How couldn't he think of me as someone special, I thought by myself. Even though our relationship was non-physical, even though all I could ever lend him was a ear willing to listen and some meagre source of supportive words (I am really horrible at encouraging someone when I myself see only negativities around him.)

He called me his backup and his column, the only foothold he got. And I was overwhelmed, unable to handle the responsibility I felt for being seen like this. I needed months to come to terms with his disease and the burden his trust was for me in the beginning. I wanted to be all he saw in me, but I simply was not there. I live about 8 hours away (by train), and I just couldn't be there when he needed me most. It was really hard. Especially when he was really beaten up by all the therapy and medications and pain.

I really do look forward to the time when I can be around him all day and care for him the way I am able to, by showing him affection and friendship not through words but me myself. As I said I am horrible with words and this would be so much easier and more effective. Do not misunderstand. His condition is stable now, he can be called a person with a heart disease that will be able to live a normal life in some months hopefully. I will not have to look after him or something like this.

But he is ill nevertheless. Meaning his body is strained. I mean, we just met once. For some days. More than three years ago. Yes, there has been a physical reaction. Yes, if not in a relationship at that moment, I would have started one with him. But that was three and a half year ago. What if all this changed and I am now hunting a phantom? I am really insecure because of this. My uncle is going to die from cancer sooner or later during this year or the beginning of the next and he gave me quite a shock when he visited for the birthday of my sister.

I do not have good visual imaginatory skills. I work differently. What I get when remembering a person is more about feelings, smells, touch and so on, I can hardly ever remember people I have met or talked to, because I tend to forget their faces. What I remember is the way they made me feel. This is what happened as well with the outer appearance of my best friend. I know that I was quite shocked how thin and ill he looked like, when we first met. I needed to come to terms with his disease some time ago and I kind of managed to really do so. There are still moments where I tend to go through all the pain again, but they are less frequent now.

After meeting my uncle some new fears arose. I know that someone who is going to die soon and has given up on his life looks awful. I know that it has been the cancer and the strain on his body that made him look like a walking dead. But – he is about the same highs and as heavy as my friend is now as well. And I recognised that my recollection of my friend have been blurred over the years. Yes, maybe there wasn't a problem after the first shock after we met but I didn't look for a potential partner at that time. I turned my head the other way to not even think about it. And now I don't know how this will work out.

Whoever it would have been, of course it would have been difficult for me to be intimate with someone other then my husband. But they are complete opposites. My husband is taller than me, bulky, does physical work all day and gained a bit of a beer belly over the years. My best friend is skinny, weak, smaller than me, with no muscles worth mentioning and no body fat. This looks like a challenge to me.

I have been honest with him, that I would have never looked his way if we had met by chance on the street. Maybe with care and concern but never because he fits my preferences. And this is why I have been questioning myself all the years if I was not hunting a phantom. Did I fell in love with my own imaginary skills? We talk and talk and talk and I am sure that my mind is in love with him. His words, his characteristics, his take on things, his honesty, his optimism, and all the other things, that could have been conveyed by leading the relationship we had over the years. But will my body be in love as well?

I am utterly scared to find the opposite to be true. That I am unable to overlook or like his physical features. I do not want this to happen but I think I will not have a say in it when my body decides to not react. One week to go till I will know. I am wishing for this week to pass as soon as possible and at the same time I would like this day to never come true.

Last edited by Phy; 07-07-2011 at 12:08 PM.
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  #16  
Old 07-07-2011, 06:56 AM
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(4 1/2 weeks before)
The biggest and most common fear is the one I have because of the unknown, something that might become twisted or unfamiliar, that what will have a strangers face because I have never seen it before; something that could change. And there is so much right in front of me. Still some days to go till the first step into this whole new mess. And it is absolutely irrelevant if things turn out “good” or “bad”, they are bound to change and I will have to handle it.

The “what-if's” are killing me right now. I know what I would like to achieve. And I 'know' what I most likely will get. The odds are just so bad, I am scared to hope for the best. I personally would still be unable to participate in this setting if the roles were switched. And therefore I can't imagine them to cope with it. I know that this is one-sided and just my take on it; Lin is already beyond this stage – how he was able to achieve it? – I still am pondering over it.

And every time I am trying to imagine the reaction of Sward I am just going round in circles of my own fears and inabilities because I do not know how he would be able to cope with it or in which light he would conceive it. I am somehow ashamed of my ignorance of his inner workings. I do not know him as well as I would have claimed to some weeks ago. But I didn't knew myself in this regard. If it had not happened to me, I would still assume the wrong reactions. The last time this happened was when I realised that I was able to forgive more than I ever thought I could. Maybe this situation is just so extreme and so far from all what is known till now that it just will show what there may be in it for us.

I do not know which the biggest change will be. But I fear some quite extreme ones. The most dangerous one would be an impact on the health of my best friend. If this goes wrong he will be severely damaged. I do not know if he will survive this blast. It kind of saved his live already because we discovered, or better confessed our feelings in a kind of life-or-death-situation and it took a turn for the better but if this dream of his fails … he will be crushed. Of course I will be as well, but I am healthy. I will not die from a broken heart – he literally will. The whole stress of the last weeks has already taken its toll on him. He is in much more pain than the last months.
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Old 07-07-2011, 07:06 AM
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Default And then the cat was out of the bag

(4 weeks ago) A lot happened. The weekend we assigned to meet for the first time is over and I have successfully come home to tell my husband that there is a man I love as well. What a week … Well what happened:

I visited my best friend for his birthday. We set this date to make sure of our compatibility physical wise. I left home with a feeling of leaving my old life behind, of loss and something precious disappearing. It was horrible. Additionally to this gut wrecking feeling I was nervous as hell because I was afraid of the first moment my friend and I would meet. Biggest fear: visual incongruousness. But, as most of things in life work like this, everything happened differently.

When I first caught a glimpse of him at the train station I was literally shocked. I broke out quite a sweat and my heart was racing. How the hell could he have changed this much over the three years we haven't seen each other? The moment our eyes met I knew that I had quite a different problem now, nothing comparable to the one I imagined. He felt the same. Nervous as I was I just hugged him silently and stayed like this for some seconds. He broke the silence by jokingly asking: Hey, have you grown even taller? I replied with a relieved laugh that he was just shrinking. I couldn't look him into the eyes again for the next minutes and was really glad that his mother had come to pick us up. The conversation in the car went well, the most tense small talk I ever did but ok somehow.

But afterwards we arrived at his house and went up to his room. A real small one, I felt caged the moment the door closed. How to stay in this tiny space for 4 days without us making some severe faults? Everything that was there to sit on was a bed and a chair behind the desk. I choose the bed, he the chair. Face to face conversation with a real person in front of me was more difficult than I had anticipated (we didn't have cameras up to that point, therefore never really seen each other during our conversations) and I had to look away after two seconds every time our eyes met. Everything was just too much. And that was what I told him when he asked what my opinion of him was like now.

We managed to keep the talk going, thankfully Sward has had an idea for a present for him. He designed a cup with a picture of himself pointing forward to the spectator and the text: You are the boss, not the red one. Meaning me with the red one because of the hair colour. It was quite a nice gesture of him and I was really feeling guilty of him giving so much thought on a present for the other man I was in love with, without knowing what was going on. But nevertheless, he was really pleased with his own idea and he liked my friend as well. So I figured it would be ok somehow.

Well we moved on to the evening program, meaning coffee and films. The atmosphere eased up and we found our daily routine again, which we developed over years through talking to each other day by day. Finally he suggested snuggling up a bit. And jeez … we got such a strong chemistry between us, it was astonishing and alarming. Just from a bit of fondling my back I got really confused and self aware around him we had to stop and take a break. I don't remember how exactly the first film ended. Even in this complicated situation he was positive and mentioned that all his worries had vanished into thin air because of my so self-explanatory reactions to his actions.

I will skip the other details from the following days, to sum it up, we went way beyond this and got burned a little while playing with the fire. We didn't kiss and we didn't had sex, but somehow ... Kind of complicated to explain. Kind of, like teenagers make their first experiences. We just couldn't keep our hands off of the other and luckily mainly managed to keep our clothes on.
In the preparatory stage we had agreed on some basic taboos which should not be broken in the process to be still able to get an ethical start into this whole mess. Well we partly managed to do so. We didn't touch intimately, we didn't kiss, we didn't took off our trousers. So much for the successes. But – I took off my shirt.

The moment it happened I was just too absent minded to realise right away that I would have to lie to Sward about the failures of my visit. I realised this a while later when my head started working again. It was a real disaster for me. I had never lied to my husband before. I kind of managed to keep it in between a lie and not telling the whole truth. At least I could tell him that there hasn't been a kiss or real sex. He got the notion that we behaved like teens who made their first encounter with each other. Well mainly this is what happened. I left out the small rest concerning my shirt because he just did a checklist kind of asking thing and all he wanted to know where the points already mentioned. He didn't ask for further details and I didn't provide them voluntarily.

But well, I kind of jumped to the end of the evening when I returned home and finally told Sward about the situation and my emotions. And he took it so well. I was speechless how composed he was and how he calmly skimmed the situation and the different meanings that could be there. He directly asked what exactly I wanted from Lin, some kind of friends with benefits arrangement or something more meaningful, if I wanted to leave him (after I told him about the love element of Lin's and my relationship), what I wanted him to do with this new information and so on. I guess everyone in the same situation has experienced this.

Two weeks later I told him about the slip up concerning the shirt. He said he wouldn't mind that much and understood why I was too scared to tell him in the actual conversation that evening.
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Old 07-07-2011, 10:46 PM
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Default Waiting for the things to unfold themselves ...

Such a strange situation. All three of us are wide awake in the middle of the night, surfing the net and waiting for the early morning hours to come, when I will be able to take the first train and be on my way to Lin. Of course I somehow expected the situation to be like this but it is much more positive than I thought it could be.

Sward is doing fine, Lin and I are more nervous, but still feel pleasant anticipation. I am drinking hot chocolate, trying to get sleepy somehow ... doesn't work up to now unfortunately .

After I noticed that Sward wasn't having the hard time I expected him to have, I calmed down quite a bit. Seems as if things could work out nicely after all. We will see what tomorrow will have in store for us.
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Old 07-13-2011, 08:29 AM
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Default The Real Beginning – Looks like we pulled it off

The visit is over. Such a bittersweet aftertaste and yet, I feel so relieved and astonished and blessed and smitten and ... [please insert any thinkable word of confusion and happiness here]. No self destruction, no blame, uneasiness, fear or resentment. It went beautifully, if the word is even able to describe what I want to say.

I was really worried that Sward had just overestimated his possibilities and wouldn't be able to gauge what the situation has in stall for him. Or that I wouldn't be able to relax around Lin the way I would like to. Or that there would arose a problem with Lin I didn't think about beforehand. But again, my two men are just astonishing and great and what not *sighs*.

Sward had a present planned for Lin and me, that he sent to Lin with a big note on the top „Do not open until Phy is there.“ When I arrived in the afternoon we unpacked his present and I felt just like I did when both of them had talked about our possible future three days after Sward was informed about our situation. My head went red and I couldn't suppress a happy smile. He sent us some kind of a survival kit, containing candles, Champagne, two glasses and a Moulin Rouge DVD with his best wishes for the weekend.

After this really great start we skyped and laughed about the reactions of Lin's mother and family together. They are not in the picture yet, but after this weekend, my second visit in such a short time and Lin and my constant absence due to our permanent abidance in Lin's room, the topic will be an urgent one, today or tomorrow. His mother was curious when the packet arrived a day earlier and was worried that Sward may be mad at Lin and me when she finally got to know what has been inside. Lin told her it was just a joke. He didn't wanted the issue to be discussed when I was still there. I respected his wish even though I would have loved to be by his side when he told his family about us. But well, we will see how they will react.

I nevertheless stayed quite tense till Sunday. As I mentioned, I am a slow person when it comes to relationships, emotions and all the like. This whole planned 'yeay, let's have sex this weekend and see how we all react to this' business was getting on my nerves. But I got used to the situation at last and I started relaxing around Lin more and more. As it has been with the first weekend, it became kind of natural being with him despite the tense situation. Hm, well, tense due to my worrying mostly, but, well, ... inner workings and the like

I will skip the details, everything that is worth saying about the days I spent there is that it was wonderful. Lin and I 'cleared' the physical hurdle, Sward and I stayed connected through the whole process and Sward, Lin and I spent time talking to each other everyday. On top of this, Lin prepared a set of music and movies/series for Sward that he liked and which I took with me for him. One time Sward asked which day he should note in the calender for Lin and me to celebrate our relationship. No decision on this issue up to now, but: Harmony all over the place

Sward didn't need the help of our friend and just went to talk to his old friend on Sunday. He was missing me, but that was more due to the fact that I simply was not there, than him worrying about what Lin and I might be doing in the meantime. We are hardly ever separated more than some days and not very often on top of it. Therefore this was the normal 'I am alone and would like to hug you' thing. With a grain of salt obviously, but not more than a a grain I was really pleased with the situation and the developments. For the sake of reconnecting, talking and catching-up on the meager intimacy over the last days, he took a holiday on Wednesday (today) and cooked dinner on Tuesday, cleaned the house and took care of the presents we needed to give my father and his mother whose birthday were on Tuesday as well.

*sigh* Can one be this happy? I am still kind of afraid of some hidden dark shadow, lurking around to raise it's ugly head, but it seems everything went just fine. And therefore I will take things as they are, start accepting the smile that doesn't seem to leave my face and see what the coming weeks will have up their sleeve for me/us.
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Old 07-14-2011, 06:50 AM
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Default Dreams of the future

I won't start with my dreams, I have plenty of them and one is more reassuring and colorful than the other. No, after this weekend I was surprised to hear about Swards dreams of a possible future for Lin, me and himself.

While I was still at Lin's place, he asked for a date for the third meeting. We agreed that it would be best for Lin to visit us at home for a longer period of time than just 4 days. He is able to do so, because he just got his fortnightly check and infusion in the hospital and no other liabilities. Lin and I need to work through the last bits of our project that becomes due at the end of August. We haven't been able to do so because of all the stress and worries or to put it more simple: all the other relationship related things that were on our minds. Fortunately we were beyond the difficult parts before this mess started in April.

So, as it looks like now, Lin will visit us, we will see how living all three together feels like on a physical basis. We kind of already live together theoretically, because Lin is always present as soon as the PC is switched on. As Sward sees it, he wants to keep the sleeping arrangements as 'fair' as possible, meaning he and Lin will sleep on the couch or in the bed with me in turns. I have absolutely no idea how I will feel in this kind of situation, but I think I will be nervous as always and it will be a bit awkward in the beginning. We do not have much space, this visit will be an endurance test for all of us. If we are able to stick this out I do not have much worries left for the future.

Swards wants to establish a 'physical' relationship with Lin. No they are both straight, but he tends to hug and cuddle the people he really likes. Some kind of bear-hug-thing mostly Talking about bear hugs, did I mention that they got monikers for each other? Sward's is Daddy Bear and Lin's is Snuffles/Snookums – hard to translate actually. They go like: “Hey Snuffles. - Yes, Daddy Bear, what's up? - Oh dear, you look like a Monchichi today, what did you do to your hair?!” while Lin and I were chatting via video-chat over Skype. They are the only ones allowed to use them for each other, every time I start to call them this I get the “This is for us exclusively!” So sweet. *grins* And to ensure that Sward and Lin are able to maintain this level of comfort with each other, those two need to meet in person again. This will be first time they meet since we had seen each other for New Year's Eve in 2008.

And Sward seems to be so pumped up with energy after the weekend. He told me, that he thought about what he would like to do in the next years; that he would like to explore a new field of work (mainly get his truck driver's license), that he always wanted to learn an instrument and play with me (I played piano, saxophone and guitar for years when I was still in my teens but had to stop because of money issues) and that he thought about the house and the garden we are going to build (all three) together. Such explicit ideas about what should be like this and this should look like that and so on. And how great it will be if we are going to have big family get-togethers at our place. Lin and Sward started to plan a house for the three of us already and showed me what they had been able to prepare and construct with the construction tool from The Sims. Sweet idea

I just love him so much; I would love to have this dreams come true. He seems to have adjusted his “together forever, travel the world, build a house, have children, grow old together” - just-you-and-me dream to a three-way-concept within weeks. Without me saying “Dear, I would like to have this and that … Please look into it if it is possible.” It never occurred to me that he was already THIS ok with Lin in my, or better, in our life.

Last edited by Phy; 07-14-2011 at 09:23 AM.
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