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  #181  
Old 05-09-2012, 09:45 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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To chime in with the rest...
I hope you don't stop just because you don't think you have "poly" issues. I also like to see the success stories, or just the normal navigation of life. And as NYC implied, normal is all relative and based on your perspective.

Of course, no one should write just out of obligation; hopefully writing is helpful for you. (I know I process by writing!) But anyway, just please don't feel that the posts aren't relevant here. Really so much relationship stuff in poly relationships is just like non-poly ones, and we can learn from people's stories regardless of the context.
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  #182  
Old 05-10-2012, 05:24 AM
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Oh ha, wow. Ok, first of all, thanks for that piece of clear feedback from all of you

As I don't want people to get the wrong impression, no, this wasn't about the effort I put into the blog. I mean, I am a student, writing something is a piece of cake (even if there are many mistakes if I have a second look from time to time, but you seem to bear with me quite patiently ). It doesn't consume much of my time to post. And I have taken a liking to this journal like thing. I never did that before. So, I wouldn't have stopped because of not having the time or feelings of 'this isn't beneficial for me' any longer. I am sure that I would have kept at it privately. (Even though it is great to have something like a diary that talks back from time to time ^.^)

I see your point concerning the counter-story and positive input in contrast to the cries for help from the relationship corner. But that was what got me thinking in the first place. Am I out of place to rub my happiness in the face of people who are struggling? What I had to say seemed so disconnected from the other topics. That's why I wondered to stop my chitchat about the little things and trifles of my two relationships and just stop by from time to time if there is something poly related. I was told some time ago, that my approach may be too positive and that the way I portrait things may leave unrealistic expectations as I am the exception from the rule or as my situation can't be applied to others that well. This just came back to mind yesterday morning.

Especially to Miss Indie: Awww .... it's so fascinating to think about a fascination we may hold for others. Never thought about the way others may see us and certainly never thought about some kind of 'exotic' 'far, far away on the other side of the ocean' thing. To strengthen that impression: My mother loves framework therefore she got a half-timbered facade for the back part of the house. In front of the back house is a little garden (framed by the front house and fences on the other sides), with many, many flowers and a tiny course of a stream. It looks like you would expect holidays homes to look like or old farmhouses from our region. I hope that helps with the projection of thoughts

Well, to sum it up: Thanks for the feedback, it's so nice to get positive input

And finally: there really was something poly-related yesterday *cheers*

The daughter of my godmother, who is our neighbor as well, decided/got talked into visiting our fitness gym on her 21st birthday last week. This got Sward thinking immediately. Because we never tried to hide our relationship status there. That's why he got quite nervous, because the possibility of her overhearing something in regard to us (all of the trainers know us and as soon as she would mention her address the possibility of a thoughtless comment is high), talking about it with her mother and her mother telling my mother in the course of the regular cappuccino meet ups in the morning, is likely.

As none of us wants my family to be informed by a third party, we pondered what to do about it. Talking to the daughter? Talking to my family? Well, we decided that the stress on my mother and sister (chemo, final exams) is too high for us to add something unrelated right now. Therefore we will try to talk to the daughter and ask her to keep things a secret for now. Unfortunately we know that she is a chatterbox (by nature kind of, her mother is the same, there has to be something in her genes ) and Sward is worried quite a bit that things may not turn out great. To avoid situations like that, we need to find a good opportunity or time frame to talk about everything soon.
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Last edited by Phy; 05-10-2012 at 01:59 PM.
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  #183  
Old 05-10-2012, 07:01 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
I was told some time ago, that my approach may be too positive and that the way I portrait things may leave unrealistic expectations as I am the exception from the rule or as my situation can't be applied to others that well.
I don't know who gave you the feedback, but I'm sorry to say, this makes absolutely no sense. What is the rule? All poly relationships are, by definition, full of drama? I thought that all poly relationships were, by definition, poly, and there wasn't any further requirements. Maybe the disproportionate representation is the exact reason for one to think that if something is going good it must be an exception to the rule.

It's just common sense. If I can do it, there are others who can (which obviously doesn't make poly suited for everybody). We are simply not that exceptional, however good it would make my ego feel to believe that I'm some kind of super-person to be able to do poly without major drama and issues. It doesn't require exceptionality. It's just a matter of being involved with people who are on board and who have a distaste for drama; and then thinking and talking and thinking some more.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
Therefore we will try to talk to the daughter and ask her to keep things a secret for now. Unfortunately we know that she is a chatterbox (by nature kind of, her mother is the same, there has to be something in her genes ) and Sward is worried quite a bit that things may not turn out great. To avoid situations like that, we need to find a good opportunity or time frame to talk about everything soon.
If she is a chatterbox, I don't think telling her and ask her to keep a secret would be a good idea. Poly is a juicy piece of gossip, I think there's a big likelyhood that word will spread. Also, it makes it seem like you're hiding something bad. What do you think? :/
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  #184  
Old 05-10-2012, 08:08 AM
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Ah no, well. No 'super-person' thoughts on my end there. I know that things just are what they are, that there are always reasons for things going good and bad and that people are able to create their own reality. I am not regarding myself as some exception from whatever rule there may be. This was just the way, others may receive the things I have to tell, that bothered me. I just don't want to cause some kind of discomfort or discontent by things that feel quite normal for myself.

In regard to our neighbor ... well, I don't think that she would play like that. She knows my mother, she knows in what kind of situation she is and what will be on her plate during the next months. I don't think that she would gamble that just for some idle chatter. There would be some real ill will behind her actions if she does talk about it nevertheless. Or is this my naive side speaking again? I do think that she would get the notion of not talking about it for now because of the stress that is already in the life of my mother. Not because we want to hide things ultimately.
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Last edited by Phy; 05-10-2012 at 10:13 AM.
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  #185  
Old 05-10-2012, 10:38 AM
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If you think she will understand the reasons to not tell about stuff, then it's probably safer. I don't know the person at all, of course. I was just thinking, what is the likelihood of her finding out without you telling her and how bad will that be, vs. what the likelihood is that if you tell her she will tell somebody and that somebody tells another person, and it will get out, and how bad will that be if it happens. If you think it's likely she'll find out, then I'm sure it's better it comes from you (since you'll be able to tell her how it is, and ask her to not talk about it just yet).
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  #186  
Old 05-11-2012, 06:33 AM
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Wouldn't it make more sense to talk to the trainers and other people who work at the gym and remind them that your personal business should not be discussed with other members? If they are professionals, they shouldn't be gossiping with clients about other clients.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #187  
Old 05-11-2012, 06:50 AM
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Well, I don't expect them to gossip about anything. We just handled things normally around there and didn't make some fuss about what kind of relationship we have or how different it is or something. As far as I know, they didn't talk about it from the beginning among each other, because everyone had this aha-moment when we broached the subject finally. But because we never made a secret out of it, there may be a sidenote thing when they talk to our neighbor and she mentions us, just like we mentioned some others we knew were regulars at that place.

The topic is kind of unnerving me right now, because it is such a littel thing in our lifes and I feel bound to think about it unproportionally, at least as far as my own feelings are concerned. *sigh* My mother isn't feeling well today, I just met her when she was on her way to see the doctor as she isn't able to drink anything without feeling sick. Just the wrong time for something like that coming up. Talk about bad timing ...
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  #188  
Old 05-16-2012, 05:20 AM
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I am not that happy with myself right now. At least not in regard to Sward's and my relationship. There have always been times, when we don't have much time with each other because of his job. Normally that is during season, when he has a lot of work to do. Because of the dire situation at work right now, it seems to be season all the time and he is just working, working, working. As I hate to not have him around, I usually find a way to distract myself and I did so by falling back in old patterns. Things have been a bit stressful lately, at my working place, at home, with my mother and my outlet is playing some PC games. Headphones on, music, playing for some hours, chatting with others. But I can become addict-like as well with it, as I love my free time and am generally a bit self-absorbed from time to time.

So, where lies the problem? I share this hobby with Lin. Completely. We initially met while playing one of those online games. That means, even during the times I am kind of self-centering, doing 'my' thing, playing around, Lin is involved as we normally play together. Sward gets left out. As long as he isn't there all day, no problem. But as soon as he comes home, I often don't change my behavior as well, because he is tired from work, and after dinner he is fast asleep. The real problematic part comes as soon as we have free time together.

Someone (I think it was rory) called me 'low maintenance'. In a way, that is true. I am happy as long as Sward and Lin are around, talking to me, discussing things on their mind with me, making some coffee, sitting down together, just being with each other while everyone is basically doing his own thing, some cuddle time while watching a film. That's more than enough on a day to day basis. But I don't mind how things may look like for them. Sward wants to make up for the time we lose regularly because of his job and the aftermaths of it when he comes home (sleepy and tiered) by doing something special. BUT 1) we don't have money for something extra ordinary 2) he never speaks up.

In regard to 1), yes, there are many things one can do without spending much money. No problem, he needs to adjust his wishes. But with 2) … real problem. As I said, I am totally happy when things are as I described them above. No complains on my part. And I don't think of him during that moments, as I am already happy. I need him to speak up for himself. But as he sees that I am happy he doesn't want to speak up when he feels a bit unsatisfied because he feels like spoiling my fun. *sigh* As it seems, I will have to remind me more often to bear this in mind. Because this usually ends with him feeling a bit neglected. And that's obviously not what I want.

We never had something like a weekly date. Maybe it's time to think about doing something together, we can afford on a regular basis during Sundays. I know myself, I need something fitting in a schedule for me to remember doing it, as I am totally oblivious to some rules like 'whenever one feels like it' or ' whenever the time is right'. Because I never feel the same on a regular basis and my timetable is a complete mess if I get to arrange it according to my liking. *mumbling* How easy things are with Lin. Having things in common with partners can be incredibly handy.
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  #189  
Old 05-16-2012, 04:11 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Is Sward more empathetic than you? I ask because I recognize myself in your description of being happy doing what you are doing day to day, and relying on your partners to bring issues to you when they occur rather than actively noticing that something is awry and going to ask the person what's going on. (At least that's what I tend to do). I've realized that my more empathetic friends and/or lovers are often very hesitant to speak up as you described Sward. One reason for his hesitancy is that, if he is empathetic, he is literally happy that you are happy and does not want to rock that boat - because he would then feel that you are 'not happy' as in interrrupted in what you are doing. Also, if he is not unusually empathetic, he sounds like he is more willing to give you your way, which makes you happy, which he doesn't want to interrupt and the cycle continues. I've found that I've had to explain to my empathetic friends that they have to interrupt me, tell me what's going on with them, becasue - compared to them - I am sensitive as rocks and Will Not Get It without their explicit help. Empaths are so used to 'knowing' what others feel that they sometimes forget that others are not so gifted.

Anyway, perhaps this is helpful and perhaps not. But it was fun to discuss!
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  #190  
Old 05-16-2012, 08:39 PM
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I am always in for some good discussions or food for thought

You are kind of right, even though I would name it differently. I don't think that he is overall more empathetic, I think it would fit to call him more altruistic than me. I am great at picking up undertones, passive-aggressive behavior and the like, I get those signals instantly and (as all of you may have noticed) I like to worry about everything as soon as I notice it. But I always assume that other people work like I do. That everyone feels the need to discuss matters the moment they arise, that no one would want to leave any tiny details unknown and that everyone just has the same impulse as I do to change things that disturb oneself. I get frustrated as soon as I notice that other people don't talk to me about things disturbing them.

And Sward isn't like that at all. He puts up with things even though they may bug him as long as there is a greater goal visible and achievable for him behind them. And as he is as altruistic as he normally tends to be, the greater goal is my happiness over his. And I don't like that. Not at all. Because I would never function that way. I always look out for my needs, not at the cost of others (I have to say 'mostly' here, because I can get selfish at times if I grade the circumstances as minor). And I hate the thought of him not doing the same for himself. Because as things are in our dynamic he is bound to go to rack and ruin, or to put it differently, to miss out from time to time. I know that I shouldn't expect others to have the same will and self-centeredness that I have, but I always end up in situations where I just throw up my arms in frustration and simply ask:”Why the heck didn't you speak up?! Tell me what you want, I can't read your mind!”

And you are right, he wouldn't feel happy being the way I am himself. He feels happy when I am happy and as it seems a lot more than being happy about something important to him and just to him alone. Of course I would likely have fun doing whatever is on his mind as well. I like to do things with him or Lin or any person I like. He hates to speak up for himself. And I hate that he hates to speak up for himself. A really old topic, but unchanged for years. I need him to be a bit more egoistic, to just tell me what he wants especially if it is something totally minor to him. I am really happy that he learned to speak up as soon as it is something major … at least by the next day or so as he tends to sleep over problems to find the right way to voice his concerns.

To sum it up: I normally get his moods, at least that I notice that there is something going on. But I often fail at discovering what it is exactly. And I need him to tell me, indeed, I am unable to guess what it is in 6 out of 10 times. But there are other times where you description fits totally. Sometimes I am as sensitive as a rock, especially those times, when I myself would never keep things to myself and confront the situation and wouldn't even guess that someone could be as strange as keep it all to himself.
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