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  #161  
Old 04-11-2012, 04:19 AM
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Default Reconsidering

Something strange happening right now, something I don't like that much. Have I ever mentioned how I hate reconsidering? And yet there is another person thinking of the things I planned as unreasonable and risky. *sigh* Reeeaally don't like it. But thanks for your comment Wildflowers, the only way to get through to me is quantity of the 'But's thrown my way. So I calmly thought it through again.

Is it impossible to handle things the way I want? My biggest problem is, that I haven't been pregnant up to now. No idea how I personally will react to a pregnancy, if I will be exceptional moody, tired, grumpy, get some health problems, will have to implement certain measures because of complications, won't be able to work as planned and so on. I personally believe that being pregnant is a big new factor in my schedule, but will it be one that is so demanding and all-encompassing that I won't be able to get other things done? I know that this is a calculation with a big unknown quantity. I don't know if the amplitude of the unknown makes the calculation wrong and impossible in and of itself.

Concerning the date I set, I know that this is something I can influence but that hasn't a given guarantee that comes with it. I know that there is a time frame in which a pregnancy has to happen, that is ideal and won't cause complications concerning being in hospital or with a constantly crying newborn that won't sleep some hours at once for even part of the night. If this time frame passes without a pregnancy, I will have to wait some time before I try again. So again, is it unreasonable to set my mind on trying? I don't know, I just see a possibility without a guarantee and after that a big sign of 'no chance' for some time.

Lastly, why now? Maybe it is my biological clock ticking, maybe the time just feels right, maybe there are some outer influences (I doubt the last reason, but one never knows what gets us thinking in the first place). The biological aspect is definitely there, I don't want to become a mother by the end of thirty. I feel ready for children right now. And I feel that the environment we are able to provide for a possible child is great. Not ideal, but great. (I would add ideal if there was more money.) I know that things may be a bit more stable and providing in a year or two, but I don't think that what we have right now is that bad either. And as I don't want a single child, the second will be planned around that time, theoretically

So, do I go for the unknown and trust in my abilities to manage things or do I lay a sound and absolutely secure basis and wait for some years? Is there something like absolute safety when it comes to this? *sighing and mumbling* I don't know. My head has a really hard time against my heart right now.
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  #162  
Old 04-11-2012, 04:55 AM
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I guess my question for you is would you be willing to put off your exams indefinitely if you do have a child sooner rather than later? All my friends who had babies found the first few years incredibly hard to focus on anything that required serious thought. The way you described your life situation, I would want to complete the exams first and then be able to devote fully to mothering without that hanging over my head. But that is just me. There is nothing wrong with having a baby at 30 or older.

Or did you get your papers signed and submitted in time, after all?
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  #163  
Old 04-11-2012, 10:43 AM
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Hugs, Phy, sorry for the downer.

I didn't mean to come across as saying "don't do it"; my intent was more to be sure you were consider enough factors going in. And this is because there were emotional and physical aspects of pregnancy that I, not having been exposed to others' pregnancies, found unexpected. You may have already factored a lot of these in.

NYC's right though that mental focus the first few years is tough, I'd say up until around age 3.

That said, when you want to be pregnant and you're not, that of itself can be a huge distraction and emotional disruption (been there too). So I understand that it would be hard to forgo right now. Tough decisions.
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  #164  
Old 04-11-2012, 12:39 PM
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Well, answering Miss Indie first: No one is talking about having the baby while doing my exams. Exams first, baby later. Shortly afterwards yes, but no exams during the time planned when the baby will be there. The only thing still on the table when the baby could possibly be with us is the final paper I need to write. And that is homework. So yes, I think it would be possible. I won't have to put off my exams, except for the possibility that the pregnancy would go horribly wrong, me having to lay down all the time or something similar where I wouldn't be able to leave the house or staying in hospital all the time. Yes, I know, this is a possibility but I won't plan for the worst outcome right from the start.

The papers thing is not settled yet. I will know next week if it would be possible theoretically, in two to three weeks time if it would be possible practically. So we will see. Even though, it mainly means that I will have to structure the exams a bit differently than I had planned, meaning doing the preparatory work now, for all the nine exams and the exams in one row next semester. I wanted to split that up into half of the preparatory work now plus the respective first half of the exams and the other half of both in the next semester. Meaning, I will manage if I shuffle things around a bit. The only disadvantage of doing it all in one try thing is that I could end up with doing one, or if it goes really badly, two exams again, if I failed them. This would collide with the baby. In the worst case, this would have been possible when splitting things up as well.

In regard to the downer, don't worry Wildflowers, I am still unsure which decision would be best, therefore I am a bit insecure right now. I talked to my mother, one of the persons knowing me best and asked her for her experiences with the three pregnancies she underwent and what her estimation towards me and being pregnant would be. She said that in her case everything was great. She felt energetic, wasn't sick, was able to get her normal things done and work till month 8. I don't expect such an easy going pregnancy, but I don't expect the worst of all kinds either. She thought of my plan of having the baby now, being pregnant while doing the exams, having the baby shortly afterwards, the child being a bit older and more independent of me when I will do my internship, as the best way to proceed as well. Sward and Lin will be the ones looking after the child after the first half year I stayed home.

Yeah, tough decision, indeed *scratches head* Some discussion will follow this again, I am sure of that. ^.^
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  #165  
Old 04-17-2012, 06:37 AM
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Default Surgery and tutoring

My mother will undergo lymph node surgery today. When I visited her yesterday evening she was so calm and positive and reassured that everything will work out just fine that I was amazed. As things look right now she will have a second operation of her breasts in four weeks, as there was no expander of the right size available (her breasts are really small) and that's why they need to order one. For the same reason they decided that it would be best to remove all of the glandular tissue of both breasts, as there would be hardly anything left as soon as the tumor is out. My mother had a quite logical explanation for her calm: She never had much to loose and was coping better with it than a woman with larger breasts who now has to get used to a different body feel and image. Makes sense, kind of. I am unsure if the practical outcome will be anything like the theory, but I am not as worried as I would have been with a different state of mind of hers.

The one having more problems with the situation is my father. He has always been a quiet person and introverted and is having a hard time coping with everything, as he is mostly unable to voice his concerns. My siblings and we (Sward, Lin, I) started taking turns on cooking for him in the evening and check in with him over the day to give him the opportunity to talk a bit about what is on his mind. We will see how well is able to be there for our mother when the chemo starts. It is sure by now that she will undergo eight sessions every second or third week after the surgery in May. Really hoping for the best outcome right now.

Another thing on my mind, not as pressing as this one but still important, is an issue one of my pupils is facing right now. The little boy is in fourth grade at the moment and he has always been not that easy to handle. Difficulties with concentrating on things, calming down generally or not being socially awkward as he has a special way with things what makes him the odd one out in most cases. Yesterday was an exceptional bad day and I just asked him what was on his mind as things seem to be really off that afternoon. He told me that the problem was his mother. Streaming in tears he expressed that he didn't know what it was that he was doing in a wrong way to make her always mad at him and shout at him. That he always needs to help out and that she regularly gets mad and that his older brother never needs to help out and can play video games all day.

This is the first case where I feel the need to intervene but I don't know what is an appropriate way of doing so. I don't want to worsen the situation for him by talking to his mother, but there is a clear gap between their capabilities of voicing their needs and concerns. He isn't able to do that himself in a way his mother understands. The mother does care about her son, otherwise he wouldn't be with us (receiving private tutoring) but I think it would be important for her to see that part of the problems her son is facing in school is because she is causing even more stress that makes it hard for him to concentrate on different things besides his problems with her and how to please her.

Well, not much about poly this time, but that were just the things on my mind as I am nervously waiting for some kind of notification about the status of things on my mothers side.
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  #166  
Old 04-23-2012, 07:14 AM
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Default Celebrations

First of all: My mother is fine. They couldn't do surgery the way they originally wanted to and just took out the lymph node for now. As this effects her left side only partially, she is mobile and can do most of her every day life things just fine. She will undergo some treatment before they start to operate the breasts, but we will hear about that treatment on Friday. She is so positive that I am really relieved. She is a fighter and she will win this war.

As I am just talking about classifications, it seems that I am a protector and this caused some problems yesterday. Friends and family came along yesterday to garland the front door of my sister and her fiancé. That's tradition around here and we put all those baby clothing and storks and paper flowers (green-white, what else) and other accessories at her door, the steps, the garden, over the street and so on. To thank the hardworking crowd and all friends who showed up, soon to be wife and husband normally grill some bratwursts and everyone drinks a lot.

Should have been a great day, was one mainly, except for the end of it. I was really glad that Lin got to talk to most of our family and friends in a normal way and that he seems to make good connection with everyone. I met some people from soon to be brother in law's side of the family, I am getting along so-so with, but that was minor detail that day. My sister and her fiance had fun. That was the main focus for me.

Till I saw that Lin was drinking. I can hardly explain it, but this is something that can turn my mood instantly. Heart disease and alcohol … not compatible in my book. Without noticing in the beginning, I began to separate myself from the marry crowd and went inside or talked to my mother and godmother and just stayed away from Sward and Lin, who were drinking with the others. I spoke up not shortly after Lin's sixth beer and asked him to stop there. He said, alright, won't drink anymore, an hour later I saw him drinking and whiffing a stogy. I went inside into our flat without saying one word.

He came in after me and asked what was going on, why was I mad? We discussed this a little and he told me that he just wanted to be a normal part of that crowd of friends and family from time to time. That he was having a great time and that he knows very well how much is ok and how much is too much for him to take. That I wasn't trusting his ability to live with this disease despite the nearly 14 years he has already done that by now. And that was true. He said that he wouldn't drink anymore as he saw that my evening was ruined because of that and that he wanted to have me by his side and not constantly away from him because I couldn't stand seeing him drink. I noticed that I don't want this as well, and noticed that I needed to make up my mind. My dilemma is that I don't want him to endanger his health, but on the other side, I understand that he wants to have some fun from time to time. This hasn't been a problem up to now simply because he never would drink normally. And he won't drink anything for the next months as well. And I really don't know how much is too much in his case.

The next unpleasant moment was when I came out of his room, to find Sward curled up in bed, obviously moody. As it is his habit, he didn't tell me what was on his mind, but being passive aggressive about it. I told him that it was really unfair of him to not just speak up and tell me what has happened. We stumble about our communication styles so often and this was a classy situation for us. He tends to sleep over a problem, not speaking up till he has given the issue some time and thought. But in the meantime he is constantly emitting those signals that something is just wrong. And I need to talk about things right away, I want them to be out, discussed and solved. I can't wait for him to make up his mind.

We got to the root finally: He came from the party and found the flat empty, as Lin and I went to his room to talk. And Sward felt lonely. He told me that he regarded this situation as something he needs to get used to and I said, no, this went obviously wrong and you need to speak up for your needs. It isn't ok that I just leave you behind without telling you what is on my mind or telling you where I would be, not now in this poly relationship as well as it wouldn't have been ok back then when it were just the two of us. I wish he would be a bit more egoistical from time to time.

After that was out of the way, he asked what had been the matter with Lin and I and told me that I really shouldn't mother Lin that much. That he thought of the evening as great friendship and connection wise and that things developed a great deal towards the right direction. That Lin needs those occasions to fill the emptiness of 'the man with the head' or 'the one living with Sward and Phy' among our friends finally and that this has happened that evening while he was totally himself and talking to everyone.

I guess they are right, I shouldn't mind that much, trust in Lin's ability to know when he needs to stop and just enjoy the upcoming days of the wedding and the feasts around that happy event with both of my men. Let's see if I manage that.
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  #167  
Old 04-23-2012, 09:21 AM
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Hi there!

Won't comment on the poly stuff, since my own life is on the rocks when it comes to that and I don't trust my ability to say anything constructive on relationships anymore.

But my mum also has cancer, she didn't undergo chemo though but is generally in a really bad shape due to a mass of existing conditions to top off her incurable cancer thingie. So I really know (or think I do) what you might be going through, and am PMable if you want to talk.

As to the boy - I don't know what the German system is like but are there any family services available via school or the social services in your location that could start addressing the home situation in a respectful, non-intrusive way?

I know beer is a HUGE part of German socializing, but isn't your country famous for various non-alcoholic beverages that look, smell and taste like the real thing?
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  #168  
Old 04-23-2012, 02:27 PM
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I can't believe that after thinking it so many times I haven't actually commented about how sorry I am about your mother. It is good to hear that she feels hopeful, I wish that everything will be fine in time. Take care.
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  #169  
Old 04-23-2012, 04:31 PM
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Thanks Rory. As I said, I am sure she is in a good position as far as you can be in one facing something like that. We cuddle her a lot and are simply there for her. That is what has always helped everyone of us to face things: the support of the family and our friends.

I am sorry to hear about your mother BlackUnicorn. We hope for my mother to get better after this ordeal. Theoretically she should be cancer free after it and I hope that she will have lots of time to celebrate and enjoy her life afterwards. I won't think that I will be really down as long as she seems to still handle things, what could crush me spirit-wise would be seeing her defeated and apathetic. That would be the worst. So hoping for the best right now.

Concerning my little tutoring kid, he seems to have a lot of stress in school right now. As I had to delegate the responsibility to the woman managing our tutoring service, she talked to the mother. Really careful and slowly explaining what we had observed and why we are worried right now. The mother explained that he is the odd one out in his class and always responsible for all things going wrong. This could be the cause for the pressure on him and his strange reactions. I don't know how it looks like at his home and I think that it would be too much to get the authorities involved. Those are really strict and sometimes not beneficial for the wellbeing of the children. And I don't think that his mother is abusive.

Yeah, Germans and their beer. You are right, for most it is a huge part (I don't like it one bit, never drink beer on any occasion) and it certainly has some constituents that are nearly alcohol free. But as most of our beer is of really low alcoholic content and offered in small bottles, it is an acceptable way of spending the evening. I overreacted a bit and was double depressed because of the double quarrel and problems that seem to pile up and in a bad mood. When Lin got up today he was like always. I expected negative consequences and a worsen overall condition of his, but I was wrong. A little hangover, that was all. Again, he explained to me that he knows very well, how much is too much. I will start to practice believing in his ability to know himself better than I do
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  #170  
Old 05-01-2012, 07:10 AM
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Default My sister's wedding

And the wedding was finally over … I remember my own one quite well and I was so overwhelmed by the huge amount of stress this one had in stall for me. When I married Sward things were light and smooth and I just had to care for myself. This time I needed to organize everything, look out for everything to be done in time, including the hair and makeup of my sister and I. As I used too much time on her, I barely made it in time to get dressed and ready myself But she looked spectacular

I will skip the details, she wanted a romantic, still classy, but breath-taking hairstyle, therefore I made some little white roses and altered the function of a big one into a sweet little hat (with a small veil attached to it) and combined those little accessories in a curly, half pinned-up hair style. Our little fledgling looked just great. *sigh* After that was done, I hardly had time to finish myself, but we somehow made it (pictures are attached as promised).

The eve of the wedding party on Saturday and the bachelor/bachelorette party on Friday went great. The groom was put into a bumblebee dress and my sister was made to wear a sexy bee outfit and we went out clubbing and ramble about the city a bit. At the eve of the wedding party I finally got some time after I pulled pints of beer for half the evening, to celebrate as well and I totally wasted myself and had a great time.

We had a friend over, whom we hadn't seen for three years (the one who hosted the Eve of the Year party where Lin and I met for the first time). We told him about our three person constellation and he wasn't surprised at all, has had some experiences in the poly department himself as well and just wanted to know if things developed ethically in the beginning, as he was belatedly worried if we had misused the first meeting to get things started without Sward being in the picture. From his point of view, Lin and I have always been couple-like in our behavior.

So much for the things that went well. Not so well, was the morning after the party, as my mother was having a general 'I am not satisfied with the whole of the situation' mood, as she wasn't able to help cleaning up or do anything in general and we weren't doing enough and disrespecting the familiar bond that should have woken us up at 6 in the morning, making us run clean the garden and whatnot. She was obviously stressed out, but the others were as well and an argument ensued.

The one to be a bit too stressed yesterday was Sward. He was assigned to the task of the photographer and was performing this job really seriously. I had to fight to get one or two pictures with him next to me

The thing to finally got on my nerves was the seating situation when we went to dinner. Just the family and Lin (he was invited as the only close friend). And who seated herself right in front of me and Sward and my parents? The wife of the brother of my brother in law (how complicated ... how come that you don't have a word for that person ). I mean, all of her family followed the rule and sat down on the side of the husband, why on earth did she place herself right in front of me? I was so pissed because that was the place I wanted Lin to take. Because of this, he had to sit down at the far end of the table on the other side of the room. Oh boy, my mood went down big time. To top things of she is one of those people who just have to be the center of attention, handling her two year old girl in a way that everyone just had to listen to every movement she made, stressing how drunk she already got from two or three glass of wine and letting the little brat do as she pleases, throwing food, ruining the decoration, spilling drinks. Just unbelievable.

Normally, I would just have asked her to change seats with Lin, but there wasn't a real reason to do so, therefore I didn't wanted some raised brows because of my seemingly unreasonable request. But as some things just happen, I put up with this and commented (accompanied by my mother) on some of her educational methods in a not so nice tone, which she didn't get in the slightest. Well, the rest of the evening went great and the food was good.

That should be enough for now, here the promised picture (Sward is looking a bit grim there, but that was something unrelated, as I said, I was glad that we got to make one picture together, as he was so busy):
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Last edited by Phy; 06-30-2015 at 11:30 AM.
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