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  #151  
Old 03-29-2012, 04:13 PM
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Sending healing loving thoughts your way.

Last edited by nycindie; 03-29-2012 at 05:05 PM.
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  #152  
Old 03-29-2012, 04:21 PM
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You are in my thoughts.
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  #153  
Old 03-29-2012, 05:18 PM
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Thank you, so sweet of you all to feel for us. It wasn't the brightest day of our life, but it wasn't the darkest as well. I am doing better as I know what I will have to face by now. Uncertainty can certainly kill to some extend and our optimism is back after some ambiguity is removed. Or better: activism in the case of my mother.

We went to see the doctor around noon and he told my mother that even though the results won't be there till Tuesday, to arrange things to go into hospital as soon as possible. The question wasn't any longer if the cancer was an aggressive one or not, just what kind of cancer she will have to deal with as the three bigger metastases are malignant for sure. From that outcome the therapy she needs to undergo will be deduced.

She cried after the first shock, but she had braced herself for that outcome. There are some possible further shocks in front of her: removal of her breast, deformation, chemotherapy, missing the wedding of my sister. Nothing is fixed by now or sure. The last point made her take action immediately. As there was no sense in shying away from facts she got active right away and made an appointment at one of our local hospitals, got the documents from her gynaecologist and started to think about every possible outcome in advance to make preparations (guess where I got that trait from … ). She was even able to joke about possible bigger breasts after all the hassle as her natural ones are really small and if they have to cut out that much damaged tissue, they need to be 'filled up' again. *sigh* This kind of gallows humour is reassuring and shocking at the same time.

My biggest worry is that knot attached to her lymph node. If the cancer cells already started to spread through her body like they did in the case of my uncle things will be bad. Like really bad. But yeay, I am not panicking right now even though I am afraid of this. It bothered me a bit that my mother intentionally didn't tell me about the disease at the beginning of the year, where the first examination had already taken place. She said that she knew that I would react too emotionally and she didn't wanted to tell me in advance because she knew that I would have worried sick without a specific cause to do so. Well, maybe she is right. But that isn't that great to hear. All the others knew about it. Do I really need to be protected that much? Or am I even stressing and burdening the others with my reaction? I will have to look into that a bit more as it isn't a trait I want to own voluntarily.
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Last edited by Phy; 03-29-2012 at 05:21 PM.
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  #154  
Old 04-03-2012, 12:21 PM
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Default Deadlines and the child topic, again.

Today has been a strange day. I have been busy with the preparations for the registration for my finals and suddenly I saw this little line on one of my formulas, still empty, stating that I need a stamp from one of my schools where I did my my internship. So I called my old school to ask for an appointment, as time is pressing right now, I need to hand things in this week, and no one answered. It took me some minutes to realize that they are on Easter holidays right now. For another one and a half week. All the plans crock up, that was that. I will have to be extremely lucky to somehow make it in time, I doubt that I will make it.

While thinking about the consequences, I realized a not so pleasant truth. Stream of consciuosness: my finals will be delayed for half an year – I don't want to take longer than planned – I want to have a child and not postpone that for another year – I will have to do all exams in one audit period (9 exams, I planned the first half for late summer and the second half for late winter, will have to do all in the second half now) – this will put pressure on all three of us – Sward wants to stay home (with his health condition right now a decision I support) – I may need another semester to really do all exams if I fail one or two (possible with this number at once) – who would be there to earn money full time? > all summed up to one person I was not that sure of burdening with this situation at all: Lin.

Lin and I know how fast this relationship is progressing and I didn't want too much pressure too early or constantly being present in it. There is a link between my relationship with Sward and my relationship with Lin naturally, as they are both connected through me. Therefore I hate the thought of pressuring him into a situation he can't really change as soon as he gave the 'Go' once: We can't think twice about a child as soon as I am pregnant. Sward and I really want one. We waited long enough. But as sure as Sward and I are that we are ready, Lin and I know that we wouldn't have thought about a child if we have been alone. While thinking about this, I became a bit depressed and felt that I couldn't burden him with this situation. Which made me really sad.

After I did some brooding over this for some time, Lin and I talked. I told him that I thought it to be unfair that I would put him in a situation where he would be responsible for our income as well (meaning him in charge of the lion's share) because Sward and I want to live up to our dream. Because that what's it seemed to be from my point of view. (In the case of me not finding a job after my legal clerkship at worst or to support the family as soon as the child is there.) I wouldn't have thought twice about this if I felt that he was as enthusiastic about a child as we are, but as things are, he would regard this as an obligation not as something he would have wished for for himself.

First of all he told me not to worry that much. That he can't do me the favor and promise that he will 100% OK with everything coming our way, but that he knew that he was getting into a situation, where he has to accept certain things and that he was confident to find a way to deal with that. In contrast to me, Lin isn't a planner. The farthest ahead he is normally thinking in advance are two months. Due to his illness there have been multiple times he was told “You could be done for in half a year or earlier.” and he said that if he would have done what I normally do (worry about all the possibilities ahead of him) he would be dead by now. More than once. Therefore he learned to take one day at a time and not to worry about the future too much. The second effect of that was that he is some kind of a realistic pessimist. He doesn't think of life as all roses and such and he always stays grounded, not expecting only good things to come his way.

In regard to the child matter, he said, that he was sure that there will be hard and not so great times in addition to that. That things certainly are bound to change with it. But that he was absolutely sure that he wants to stay with me and grow old with me (planning till his death, how shocking ^.^) and that he therefore believes that things will work out. Yes, he was seeing this more as an obligation than getting all excited over it. But that this wasn't something I was forcing on him without him having the possibility to say no. That he thought about the things in advance during the time he positioned himself towards the matter (our early talks about children when we moved in together back then) and that he had come to an agreement with the situation: He felt ready for something like that, otherwise he would have never said yes at all.

I am still a bit insecure about the possible root for big trouble in the future. I guess I will have to talk about the matter with Sward and Lin again. (I know, I am impossible, but that's the way I work, I need to talk things till they are totally beaten and unable to move one inch, to never raise their ugly heads again ) For now I will wait for my head to calm down again.
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  #155  
Old 04-03-2012, 10:09 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I'm approaching 30, I'm not in the sort of relationship where I'd be ready to raise a child with a partner nor am I financially prepared to do so, my mother had great difficulty having a kid (her first child was stillborn), and I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. Because of all those factors, while I have no cause to think it's impossible for me to have a biological child, I also accept that it might never happen.

For that reason, it's been a wonderful gift to get to be so involved with Gia and Eric as Bee came into their lives. Being there through the pregnancy, meeting the baby on his very first day on earth, getting to know and love him as he's learned to laugh and crawl and try new foods and cut his first teeth... and, I hope, all of the wonderful milestones ahead... all of that is a unique and powerful part of the human experience and thanks to my closeness with G&E I feel like even if I never have a kid of my own, which I know would take it to a new level, at least I haven't entirely missed out on it.

With Lin, as you said, if it were just the two of you, you wouldn't be thinking of having a kid, and with his health the future is no guarantee. Getting to be there with you and Sward and the new baby may be a shot at experiencing some of the magic of this whole process that he would otherwise have no opportunity for. It doesn't sound like he's super excited about it at this point which is perfectly reasonable -- I spent much of Gia's pregnancy freaking out, over her health, the future, our relationship... there's soooo much to be scared of -- but I just wanted to put this thought out there to both of you, that rather than a burden this scenario could be seen as an amazing chance at something otherwise inaccessible.

And I bet you'd let him be there at the birth, too (siiiiiiigh... still a little sad to have missed that).
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  #156  
Old 04-04-2012, 12:36 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
...Because of all those factors, while I have no cause to think it's impossible for me to have a biological child, I also accept that it might never happen.
I'm 38 and it took me a long time to accept that it would probably never happen for me. It was even harder to make the decision to actively take measures that would ensure that it wouldn't .

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
...With Lin, as you said, if it were just the two of you, you wouldn't be thinking of having a kid, and with his health the future is no guarantee. Getting to be there with you and Sward and the new baby may be a shot at experiencing some of the magic of this whole process that he would otherwise have no opportunity for...
I would not have thought about having a baby with Dude if it were just the two of us. Based on his responses when I was (briefly) pregnant I think that he really would have enjoyed the vicarious experience.

(I wrote (more than I intended) about our experience in another thread: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...967#post130967)

Whatever you all decide it sounds like you are starting from a really strong foundation. Good luck!

JaneQ

PS. I'm also a "talking a topic to death" sort myself...totally understand where you are coming from there.
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  #157  
Old 04-04-2012, 02:42 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Are you saying that now you are going to try to get pregnant this year before you have your exams next year? Will it really be that bad to postpone having a baby until after you complete your exams? You have so much on your plate right now.

With your mother going through chemo and your sister getting married, this year will be emotional for your family and you will likely be tossed about by some of that. And now Sward is ill, too? Is it his back? If he is going to stay home, that will be another major adjustment. I just wonder how well you will be able to focus on passing your exams next year if you are taking care of and nursing a newborn at that time, and dealing with everything else. Stress!

Maybe the stamp wasn't on your papers because the universe is telling you to be patient, and that it's okay if things take a little longer than you originally planned. It's something to think about.
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  #158  
Old 04-04-2012, 03:44 AM
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Thanks for the different perspectives.

Annabel: I am so, so very hoping that this might be the way tings will turn out in the end. That this is what the situation will look like and how everyone feels about it. I have looked at your story, while thinking about this outcome and if it would be possible for us. I know how things would progress if I could write the script but I know that life isn't always a bowl of cherries. This is out of my control and I just can look at the likely outcomes and the roots for them we have now and admit that I have no control over them. Things will be what they develop into, I need to relax.

And yes, both will be present at birth as far as my wish is concerned, but Lin is a bit scared to actually be there and see things he will never be able to forget, as his visual skills are so well developed. I heard of births where the male partakers were having problems seeing their wives like that. But that is a topic I will start to worry about in some months/a years time, probably .

Jane: I read about your history with pregnancies and children and I was sad to read such a tragic story. I am sure that I would cope with something like that really bad. One adjusts to nearly everything in life if forced, but some things are harder to accept than others. Sorry for your loss. I hope for Lin to kind of 'get into the mood' as soon as things start to develop in front of his eyes. As this is how it seems to work for him, I don't think that there will be some real assertions possible before that point in time. I hate the insecure part of that, the possibility of him figuring out that this was something he didn't wish for in the end, but well … again, I need to relax and trust in his ability to take the measure of himself correctly.

Cindie: I initially wanted to be pregnant during my second half of the whole exams (being pregnant, not having the child already). Meaning the first half being out of the picture by then. As thing look like now, I will have to prepare for this planned 'second half' to be the whole deal and prepare in advance for each possible examination in advance. This is possible from my point of view. And yes, you are right, that will be stressful, I am not delusional about that fact, but the exams should be mainly out of the window by the time the pregnancy is reaching it's peak. (So much for the theory, I know.) I don't want to have the child and still prepare for my examinations, I need to write my final paper during that time for sure, but that is something I can do by myself and at home single-handedly.

The marriage of my sister will be done after this month, the pregnancy is planned for the end of the year, nothing correlating on that front. We don't know yet if chemo will be the therapy my mother is going to run through, as we (hopefully) hear about the results today. There is a possibility that there will be a different kind of therapy more suited for her cure. Nevertheless, she made an appointment for the 16th this month to undergo surgery. Even if her therapy will last for some months, if this is going to still be a topic during summer of the next year, things will have developed badly. I can't change that fact and I don't want to postpone my life because of something like that. The whole family is there to support her, I am sure that I will find a way to deal with this worst case scenario as well.

Lastly, Sward. No, don't worry, he isn't as ill as he has been. But something like that will not heal again. The strain on his back is a fact, the hard work he needs to do is one as well. Working in a company from which you know that it is on the brink of insolvency is stressful in and of itself and I want him to cut down quite a bit to not strain himself even more. He always wanted to take parental leave as soon as our child would be able to be a bit more independent of me. Full leave at first, later he wanted to work again part time. He isn't the type to constantly stay at home without some kind of work.

But you are right, I had the same idea about mighty universe wanting to tell me something and such. Things aren't fixed by now. They won't be till October, that is the earliest point in time we wanted to try at all. If things take a turn for the worse, I will have to postpone everything even if I don't like it. I know that. But as I said, I am a planner and I want it. So, my volition is clear, plans are made, we are going to see how the things to come will look like. Hoping for the best
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  #159  
Old 04-08-2012, 06:35 AM
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We went shopping yesterday. Lin wanted to go, as next weekend will be the launch of new game we are going to look at because of some mechanics they implemented that we wanted to use as well. If we got sucked into it once, there won't be much we are going to do besides testing it. So, I went over to ask my mother if her car was free for some hours to use. Sward was gone working, again, and we wanted to get things done before he came back.

She was streaming in tears, as soon as I asked what she wanted to do that day. When I asked what had happened, just simply said “Nothing!” There isn't a thing my mother hates more than to wait for something. Still no message from the clinic, still more than a week till she will be able to undergo surgery, still so many things to do in advance because she thinks that nothing will be done and ready when the wedding is finally there. That day she wanted to fill the flower boxes infront of the windows for them to look nice when the guests would be there. IT was something that important that she came back to it three times during our short conversation.

After I had hugged her and calmed her down a bit, I went to look for my sister and asked her if she got some free time to spend with my mother and explained the situation. She said no problem as her flower boxes were still vacant as well. So they went to do this together. It is so hard to see her like that. She feels helpless and discouraged and the smallest things upset her. Unfortunately it was the wrong time to plant some spring flowers or summer flowers, as it was too late for the first and too early for the latter. But she was already feeling better by us keeping her company, therefore it was ok.

But the day ended a lot better after that start. Lin and I went to a nearby town with a larger shopping mile and found a suit for him, a tie matching the color of my dress, a little jacket for me, a shirt for Sward matching the color of my dress and a classy black tie for Sward as well. It took us some hours but the result was great. Unfortunately none of the shoes were to my liking (or cheap enough), I still have to look for some. I urged them to try everything on, for me to see how they looked like. So great! Can't wait for the wedding to come, we will look fabulous
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  #160  
Old 04-11-2012, 01:53 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Phy, I totally relate to the idea of planning things out, and am impressed by your capacity to juggle so much stuff at once. But a few thoughts to maybe keep in mind:
1- pregnancy itself can be pretty tiring, particularly at the beginning. Why, I don't know. But you should be aware that there may be parts of it when you're pretty low energy, and may have less capacity to get stuff done than at other times of your life.
2-pregnancy can be hard and stressful to plan. It may happen when you want, and it may not. So just be careful not to get your heart absolutely set on a particular schedule that you may, through no fault of your own, not be able to implement.
3- and mostly, best wishes for it all; hope you come through the many challenges ahead well.
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