Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #111  
Old 02-01-2012, 08:50 AM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 495
Default

^I was thinking that same thing. Those kind of feelings aren't that uncommon for parents even when there are just, say, the biological ones there. There can be jealousy or hurt when the kid chooses/prefers (or seems to) the other one. Even more common, or at least more commonly talked about when there are the bioparents and their new partners etc. So those kind of feelings are understandable, and they don't need to be rational. But I do think it is the bio/social parents responsibility to get over their own ego and deal with it; to put the child first and realise that the feeling isn't a fact, and that it's in the end a good thing that the child has a supportive, comfortable person in their life no matter who it is. The more the better.
__________________
Living with my partner Mya and metamour Hank. Seeing Lily.
Reply With Quote
  #112  
Old 02-01-2012, 10:50 AM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 599
Default

Yep, that was what crossed my mind as well. The phases of affection and attachment you two mentioned are just such a common thing to me, that I didn't thought of them as problematic. I know that this will happen. What I didn't understood was the emphasis he laid on the biological part of it. Maybe this problem will solve itself with the experiences we make later on. Because, when we talked about child-rearing and responsibilities and attachment to the children and hopes and expectations, he forgot about the whole 'my flesh and blood' thing and was on the same page as Sward or I. Maybe it is just a switch in his head that will flip as soon as he is able to experience the situation, we all know that we are just speculating right now.
__________________
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #113  
Old 02-01-2012, 03:48 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,249
Default

There was a thread started last week I think from a guy who was in a quad type relationship with kids being produced in all combinations. The problem they were having was with the kids adjusting to the outside world or outside world shunning them for their lifestyle choice or differences. I think the guy's user name was tactical ??? If you can find him or them ...he might be able to guide you as well. I think they have 4 or more kids.
Reply With Quote
  #114  
Old 02-01-2012, 04:14 PM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 599
Default

Ah right, I know who you are talking about, I read his story. A real beautiful one except the turn for the worse when they moved and the neighbors weren't able to wrap their minds around their different family life and structure. That is a whole nother issue we will have to deal with later on. I hope we will manage, but there are so many different factors (in fact people) involved in that story, that I can't predict how this might develop in the future.

They planned their kids, just like we would want to and they didn't seem to have the issue with biological vs. adopted/non-biological children. I assume that we will handle things similar later. At least that was what both men are up to right now, as far as they are able to predict how they will behave if children are finally a part of our family. So many forms of possibilities and uncertainties there .. As if planning for children wouldn't be hard enough in and of itself. *sigh*
__________________
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #115  
Old 02-01-2012, 06:42 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 495
Default

Curious question: what kind of feelings do you think would come up for you if either one of the guys had a girlfriend/wife and had a child with her, but you'd all co-parent? Or is that too hypothetical..? I like those kind of thought experiments, but I realise not everybody loves hypothesising so far.
__________________
Living with my partner Mya and metamour Hank. Seeing Lily.
Reply With Quote
  #116  
Old 02-01-2012, 07:05 PM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 599
Default

He he, guess what I did to picture how Lin could possibly feel I love thought experiments, they are the core of Philosophy.

Given the possibility that there would be a situation in which I would be as OK with a metamour as Sward and Lin are with each other and all of us lived with each other like we three do now, I guess I would be simply OK with it. Even more: I don't think I would be able to do it otherwise. It is a child of Sward and a person he loves dearly, I can't imagine not being part of it. And a child is a child, I would pierce the little one to my heart and that was that. I don't think I would make any differences between 'their' child and mine, simply because they are children and are brought up by us/me.

After writing that paragraph I noticed that I automatically talked about Sward having a girlfriend, Lin is really out of the picture there

I tutor little kids right now and I am involved with school kids all of the time, I know how attached you become to them and those are 'strangers' first. I can't imagine making a difference when one lives with me just because I wasn't the one going through labor with him/her. As I said, I don't get the biological stuff And as things are right now, I would be as involved in all the things going on with this person's pregnancy as I would be with my own. Lin and Sward will be involved in every step, despite the fact who the biological father is. I know that I (and every other pregnant woman as well) can be enough to handle for them to not make them complain about being left out
__________________
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #117  
Old 02-01-2012, 09:14 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 495
Default

^Hahah, definitely enough to handle for two or however many there are.

I don't want any kids of my own, but it's sort of fascinating to get sort of a look into what it would look like through others' experiences. Particularly in a situation where you start with an adult poly family and then have kids. Not that it isn't interesting to read about poly families combining households with kids. But maybe it's more relateable for me this way since my mind somehow considers those with kids to be so much more grown up than me.
__________________
Living with my partner Mya and metamour Hank. Seeing Lily.
Reply With Quote
  #118  
Old 02-01-2012, 09:16 PM
SourGirl's Avatar
SourGirl SourGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: South of an Igloo, North of a Desert.
Posts: 885
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
Welcome to you as well, SourGirl. There is a pun involving your screen name and the manner in which you like to answer that crosses my mind each time I read some of your straight to the point, sharped-tongued posts, unfortunately it doesn't work in English But let's skip the small-talk and get back to topic.
I might of heard it before. Also, heard there is a math equation, and some loosely based 'sourpuss' translation. I`ve had this username for over 10 years. With my bluntness, I`been told off, and called many a names, in various languages.
Reply With Quote
  #119  
Old 02-05-2012, 06:17 PM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 599
Default

Oh dear, no name calling intended, it was just a play on words that came to mind, nothing mean. How dare I … I like reading your posts

Well, the child topic is settled for now. We are quite content that no one of us will have severe problems with our plan, as we worked it out right now. And Sward is soooo endearing. *sigh* When we concluded what the debate brought to light and talked about the possible child on a theoretical basis he suddenly got teary eyes because he had to think about the peewee lying in his arms and how it would feel like and such … we need to set this plan in motion at the end of the year

I noticed a strange phenomenon that caught me by surprise: I was unconsciously sniffing at Sward and Lin during the last days. Like you would huff some glue to get high. That's so strange … especially because it had said effect. I am all over them. I noticed that I tend to inhale the odor of them from time to time and that I like it, but at the moment I go around and do this constantly. Has anyone ever heard of that? Or did that? Really strange.*scratches head*

This correlated with another issue I discovered yesterday evening. Sward was really tired and wanted to go to bed early. He doesn't like most of the things, that Lin and I like to watch after a long day to unwind (things like the German version of “Britain's got talent” - he hates people who aren't able to sing but think they are the next superstars, or “rent, buy, living” - a show about flats and houses). Be that as it may, I stayed behind with Lin, watched “Deutschland sucht den Superstar”, “Gothica” and a bit of “Demolition Man” and … got into a bad mood. The answer to 'why' isn't that easy to give. I will try.

There are basically three stages of 'longing' in regard to Sward and Lin. One is exclusively Sward, one is Lin and one is both of them simultaneously. And it tends to be hard if I am in the third one. Fortunately it doesn't happen that often. I don't know if this is common or if others can relate to it, but normally I am completely focused on one of them (physically). I noticed directly when Sward left the room that I was torn. I wanted to go to bed with him and I wanted to stay with Lin on the sofa. I stayed with Lin because I didn't want to watch Star Trek (I think Sward is watching the episodes from Deep Space Nine right now) but I couldn't calm down.

As it was getting later and later, I swayed between going to bed (my night with Sward), switching nights because I wanted to have more time with Sward and had effectively spend half of the night with Lin already, wanting Lin, wanting Sward, feeling bad for willfully deciding things on my own and being grumpy because I wanted both of them to be there. How I hate that. Finally I snuggled up with Lin as long as possible, inhaled as much as possible and went to sleep snuggled up behind Sward's back, nose at his neck. If we ever move into a flat with a spare room, I want a king size bed for these nights.
__________________
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #120  
Old 02-08-2012, 10:07 AM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 599
Default Moodiness and taking responsibility

Sward and I had a good talk today. As both of us felt like something was a bit off and Lin talked to me yesterday and asked what was wrong with us, I got to talk out things with Lin first and by weighing his opinion and observations I found the key to what was going wrong between Sward and I during the last weeks. Found something to work on again.

Well, what happened: Sward is generally a bit too moody compared to his normal self. Due to back pain, medical treatment, prospects in his job and adjusting to being home much more than he was used to, he became a bit unstable. Additional to this development he didn't leave for visits at his close friends or social meetings he used to attend regularly. As I was complaining about him not having enough time for me (next to friends, meetings, work and such back then), he liquidated his own garden (for business) because it was consuming too much of his time. This became apparent to be not beneficial to our situation at the moment.

On my part: I knew how difficult the adjustment to our living situation has been for all of us. It went well, but it was a severe cut in regard to what everyone was used to. And I felt responsible for this. Responsible as in: this is my fault. Who was the one adding the whole mess to our lifes? I. Who is the one asking for outrageous things? I.

This didn't work well together. While Sward changed his ways, I felt responsible for this change. And I felt that this was unfair to me, that I didn't know how to change it and that I can't be made responsible for his happiness. But he seemed to do this constantly, because he was constantly a bit unstable and moody and hey, if he is moody the cause has to be me. Bad circle.

When Lin asked me, why I was so down yesterday, we needed some time to get to the root of the problem. But when he mentioned that he noticed that Sward was treated differently by me than he (Lin), we were able to narrow it down.

Sward and I are kind of linked emotional wise. As soon as there is the slightest change to his mood, I get it instantly. (11 ˝ years have to have some kind of effect on a couple, don't they?) So, for example, me noticing a change in Swards mood for the worse, Sward initiating some kind of contact, me getting the notion of 'be aware, you have to fix something right now', me feeling pressured, me rejecting the initiated contact because of this, Sward feeling treated badly, Sward backing down. Both of us feeling resentment towards each other.

Why doesn't this happen with Lin? Because he seems to be unaffected if I reject some of his advances. There is no pressure to behave in a certain way. As he is in his normal mood, I don't have to worry that he is feeling down. As Sward is constantly in a not so light mood, I get that he is feeling down but don't see the whole range of reasons behind it. Just the 'my-fault-notion'.

When Sward and I talked today and I explained to him what was going on, he agreed that we need to be more aware of the things going on in the back of our minds. Because, as he was feeling not so great, he really turned to me more often for support, to make him feel better.

So we need to work on (me) not feeling responsible for the overall temper of the other and (him) not trying to make himself feel better by turning to me to fix his problems.
__________________
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
children, cohabitation, coming out, communication, couple, family, kids, ldr, lessons, living together, marriage, metamours, mono/poly, moving in, opening a relationship, primary, time management, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:21 PM.