Phy's story - As you like it

[Phy]

Thursday uses to be the day we go shopping for the coming week. When we are done and rearranging the goods in our wagon, I had to think of the thread on games and gamers. All three of us grew up with games, consoles, PCs and the like, and one of us usually starts humming the Tetris theme when we are trying to order the groceries in the most effective and fastest way possible while working against the clerk who is always too fast scanning them. I prefer the first level, Lin skips in with the second one after some repetitions on my part. Not all the staff get the connection and some give us really disturbed looks at times

As I got started with the game topic for once, there has been something adorable but yet creepy happening over the last weeks. Lin and I met while playing some MMORPG online. It's our most favorite kind of game and we use to play most of them together, single or multiplayer. Sward's taste in games has always been ... well, to put it neutrally: different. I don't know if it rings any bells with anyone, but he played Farming Simulator for years. Driving over virtual fields, gathering in the harvest, sowing new seeds, cultivating the fields, again and again and again. I get sleepy when I watch him drive over these one-colored fields after ten minutes, the most exciting part in this game is when you have to avoid getting stuck in traffic jam on your way from one field to the other

When Lin moved in, Sward saw his chance: He got Lin to start playing Farming Simulator and asked him to design some trucks and farming machines. They are of high detail and there is a whole community designing those vehicles for fun. As Lin is able to draw really well, he is such a great art designer, I love his pictures, those machines came out great. I think that it's good that the two of them found something to do together, I just wished it would have been something different But to each their own, isn't it?

Another little anecdote on games:
When we started visiting the fitness center I was doing my workout as my trainer noted it down. But his handwriting was so hard to decipher that I was standing there quite clueless and finally asked him. „What is an ADD-machine?“ Little pause, looking askant at me and answered: „My dear, you obviously played too many games.“ We didn't know each other well at that point but we had to laugh and the little warrior inside of me broke through. „Well, I would have been ready to stand on court like you do with those tennis machines that shoot the balls to you, fighting off masses of little goblins coming at me. Just hand me my axes.“ This resulted in him going to a machine where you have to press the legs together, training the inside of the thighs (the one that gave me this horrible sore muscles at the start of our training) and sticking the plug a bit deeper in again, giving me 10 more kilo to master. „A little furious one here, hm? Feel free to get yourself exhausted with this.“ Big smile on his face.

[For those not having a clue what this little geek is talking about here: add is the short-form for additional, meaning some unplanned attention-grabbing of some creatures in a game, that you didn't wanted to bother you right at that point in time. Resulting in too much to do for you and maybe too much for you to handle, possibly resulting in your virtual death.]

To bring this totally off-poly-topic post to a close in the right fashion, one last bit that is game related. Lin and I decided to restart the project that failed last summer this year again. It's such a great MMO-concept and I just know that our ideas are good, that we worked everything out just fine and that the publishers are still interested (it's a money matter on their part), we will see what they are going to say about the possibilities and such this summer. It would be real waste to forget about all the work we put into it.

[Phy]

After all, something to update again

Life is getting really quiet and unspectacular, what is great in and of itself. Despite the fact that Sward, Lin and I are at home most of the time, sticking together like glue and doing almost everything together, there is astonishingly not much stress.

The study is nearly done, Lin and Sward are putting together the bookshelves for my stuff from university right now and the room looks just great. Really comfy and warm with all the coffee-brown and beige-colored shades on the walls and furniture. The friend who listened to Sward when I visited Lin for the second time came over for coffee to inaugurate the study officially and to tell us about the latest trouble with her boyfriend. Sward and Lin are joking quite frequently about her and I being on the same page in so many things and if she would be a possible match for me in the future. Well, we really get along well, but there is an adamant reason why this will never happen; I can't stand her smell. I love her humor and way with things, attitude towards life and what not, but the first time I 'smelled' her, it was over. This is such a strange phenomena, because Sward and Lin assured me many times that they smell nothing when she is there. She doesn't sweat immensely or isn't into personal hygiene, but if I consult my nose, she stinks. It's the same with my sister, I was never able to stand her body odour, especially when she is ill. Another arbitrary trait of mine

I told another friend from university about us three when we met at the station and rode home together. It was a great talk, she told me that she is finally pregnant after trying for six years. She and her husband both had a condition that made it necessary to go into hormone therapy for artificial insemination. It worked instantly and really successfully, she is expecting twins She knew about Lin living with us, but wasn't thinking anything about it. When I told her, she was astonished but happy for us that it worked out. I told her a made up story about a v-relationship of a friend to do a cautious check-in what her opinion on the matter was some months ago. There was an instant light-bulb moment when she heard the news.

Semester is coming to its end and I made a plan for my finals in summer. So much to do before I can get things started on that end. I need to get working finally. I am far too lazy because most exams and surveys are just done without much effort put into them on my part. Don't know why, I can remember most things instantly when I heard it once and had a stimulating discussion on the topic right away. Some revising right before the exams and I am good to go. Putting my thoughts into words was never a hard thing to do as well. I don't think I can continue like that when I do my final tests Kicking my own ass is next up on my agenda as it seems. Really hoping that I will be successful …

Sward and I had an interesting conversation on the latest antecedents of the last weeks. We have always been a really harmonious couple. Hardly any quarreling ever, any surfacing discord was smoothed right away. This changed a bit and Lin was the first one to notice the changed dynamic between us. He has witnessed our way with each other for years and was a bit worried by the regular arising discussions. As there are just the normal teasing and bitching-bits between him and I going on (never seriously, that's our friendly way of ragging each other), he noticed that Sward and I were having some problems.

Some of those problems between Sward and me stem from his taciturnity. He doesn't speak up when things disturbing him seem to minor to have to be noticed and addressed from his point of view. Lin does handle those trifles in the same manner, but in his case they are really settle then. Sward mostly dwells on them without noticing it and they resurface with the next bit that annoys him. And after eleven years together there are quite a few things that can get on his nerves in regard to me and the same vice versa. This combined with the new poly situation leads to us snarling at each other from time to time. It's still not about something too serious, but he was pondering over the reason for it.

“I am happy.” he told me yesterday evening.”Why do we quarrel so much more than before? I don't understand it.” -”We are still adjusting to the new situation, sharing after eleven years of exclusivity is still no piece of cake, you are triggered more than usual by my quirks as a result.” - “You may be right, we achieved so much already in such a short time. Even if this is a little downside of things, we shouldn't be discouraged by the developments.” - “And it's good that you are starting to talk about your inner workings a bit more than before.” He mumbled that he knows that he needs to work on that. I answered with a little smirk: “Indeed, and imagine what your feelings would be like if I wouldn't be able to push some buttons from time to time, I would be all the same to you all of a sudden. I think that it's all good, that we still are able to be passionate about each other, even if we sometimes express it by giving each other a piece of our mind.”

As always, all is well. Lin and I are still getting used to each other on a new level. We are really compatible as it seems, this will be a long-lasting bond. Lin is looking out for Sward and me naturally and Sward is siding with Lin when I am in one of my moods and am over the top with my side remarks. Sward and I are connecting on different levels than before and all of us are curious what the future will bring.

[rory]

Good luck with studying and exams! I'm waiting to get my latest exam results next week... Oh noes.

I wanted to comment on the alone time issue earlier, but I didn't have time, just now came to think of it again. How is it progressing with that?

I've had one of those instances when I went to Alec to say that "if you don't mind not coming to the bedroom for some time now", so I can totally relate to the awkwardness. It was fine, though. I'm a bit surprised that you managed to get by such a long time of living together without it becoming inevitable. I think that if I ever live in a poly-household, there will be designated alone-time for all 'couples' (as well as individuals). I do like to go with the flow, but alone time is such an important need for me in a relationship that it would be harmful to have too little of that. And it's mostly about non-sexual stuff.

[Phy]

Originally Posted by rory

Good luck with studying and exams! I'm waiting to get my last exam results next week... Oh noes.

Good luck on that front, I will be rooting for you *cheers*

Originally Posted by rory

I wanted to comment on the alone time issue earlier, but I didn't have time, just now came to think of it again. How is it progressing with that?

Hm well, is there some progress … I think so. For instance, the topic of the latest argument between Sward and I was alone time related. It was the birthday of my father-in-law, all of us knew that Sward and I would have to head off around 2 PM to make it on time. It wasn't a good day mood wise, for each of us. All less than chuffed with everything kind of. Sward got up from the sofa we all lied around on and told me: “I will go to bed, sleeping for an hour before we have to go.” And that was literally what hit home in my case. When Lin and I decided that we would like to cuddle a bit half an hour later and go to his room, Sward came back again, resulting in us meeting right at the door. Short silence, Lin proceeding to his room, me telling Sward that I will be gone for some minutes, asking when exactly he wanted to leave. He gets grumpy, I ask what's the matter, he says 'nothing, just go.'

Of course it wasn't 'nothing'. I misunderstood that he wanted me to join him when he left for the bedroom and now he was not pleased that Lin was able to get his need across in contrast to himself. I am no mind-reader (“I gave you an unambiguous 'look'! How could you have missed that?!” Yeah right … a look... ). And he knows that I am not even a person you could regard as observant. Only on special occasions … it's complicated But normally I am as sensible as an elephant (right, I know they are really sensitive and such, but that's a German proverb, don't know how to translate it right now, sorry to all the elephant lovers ) when I am not on the lookout for something. I am that kind of a person who sits in front of you, listening to a heartwarming story, you keep on pouring your heart out and feel vulnerable as hell, and I make honest but blunt comments on the issues I see, if I don't mind the outcome well enough in advance. A bull in a china shop at times And Sward knows that.

He would have loved to get his share of kindness and affection without having to ask for it and I failed to do so on my own. Lin on the other hand just told me 'Let's go.' and all was well. *sigh* It's really just that much, but we need to discuss those little things again sometimes.

Improvement 1: He spoke up immediately, though I had to worm it out of him, but he didn't thrust it aside.

Improvement 2: His reaction triggered my fear of 'is it OK to ask for alone time' and I immediately thought, 'oh no, he isn't comfortable with it after all.' Well, seems as if that is my problem mainly, his issue wasn't me being with Lin. It seems he even overheard us a considerable amount of the times we were intimate during the last weeks by chance and it really doesn't matter to him. (I still can't be comfortable with the thought, don't know how long that will take or if it ever changes.) Well his issue was that he wanted me to be more attentive to his needs but had unrealistic expectations in the process. Cleared that misunderstanding immediately and the conversation I reported in the last post ensued afterwards when we went to bed in the evening.

Originally Posted by rory

I'm a bit surprised that you managed to get by such a long time of living together without it becoming inevitable. I think that if I ever live in a poly-household, there will be designated alone-time for all 'couples' (as well as individuals). I do like to go with the flow, but alone time is such an important need for me in a relationship that it would be harmful to have too little of that. And it's mostly about non-sexual stuff.

Yeah, it is surprising that it didn't came up earlier. But we dived right into everyday life. Our 'alone time' consisted of unspectacular things like shopping, one of them and I for groceries, both of them to the do-it-yourself store, mixed setup when going to the studio and so on. Because of the different sleeping habits, I always have my alone time when it's my evening with Lin, we stay up way longer than Sward ever would and when it's Sward's evening, I tend to go to bed earlier with him, watching some series or talking. That is enough most of the time.

The other factor is that we love to do things together. They don't feel that the time they spent together with me isn't enough to keep them satisfied. It's mostly just fun for everyone. As we don't have much money to spend at the moment (the renovation will consume the extra money we got the next two months onwards) we cook in pairs (all three possible pairings in this case), go for a walk with the dog, or visit some friends (mostly Sward and I, Lin doesn't know that many people around here, yet).

And another supportive factor: They constantly look out for each other. When I am lying on the sofa, watching some TV (yeah, sometimes I actually watch some, but mostly I lie there to get some kind of massage ) and one is already there with me, the other will do something at his PC (mostly Lin) or leave for something he needs to do (mostly Sward's solution). Considering how often he himself has been with me during the last days, who mentioned missing something or however they communicate it; that is something I leave to them to manage. And it works. I got some cuddle time with one and the other joins us half an hour or an hour later.

If I need time for myself I go sit in front of my PC (I LOVE the little corner here, next to me is the door to the living room, when it is open it's like a small cave on my comfy chair <3 ), headphones on, reading, writing or playing something. That's all I need. I just love to have them around me and I mostly have 24/7. I have to say, going with the flow satisfies most of our needs.

[rory]

Thanks for the wishes. I was ill just before exams, which affected my studying, but I do hope/believe I passed, at least. *fingers crossed*

Oh yeah, I had a suggestion, too. Maybe you could establish together that all of you want to become more comfortable with asking for/ having alone time; and maybe you could have an agreement that you try to do it more often and not only when you want to be intimate. That way it would become a habit, and it wouldn't be the situation where the person asked knows that's what you are up to, since it would be expressedly agreed that it wouldn't be only/primarily for sex.

Originally Posted by Phy

If I need time for myself I go sit in front of my PC (I LOVE the little corner here, next to me is the door to the living room, when it is open it's like a small cave on my comfy chair <3 ), headphones on, reading, writing or playing something. That's all I need. I just love to have them around me and I mostly have 24/7. I have to say, going with the flow satisfies most of our needs.

This is cool, you seem to be pretty low-maintenance and naturally compatible. I like to think of myself as low-maintenance, mind you, but I've become more aware with my needs of time and space, so I do think I would need a bit more discussion and adjustment for multi-partner co-habitating to be comfortable for me. I like thinking about it hypothetically even though we aren't planning for it.

[Phy]

Another week gone by, I decided that I could update again

Never seen it that way rory, but 'low-maintenance' makes sense somehow, at least from my point of view. I liked the term, but Sward and Lin just looked at me with utter surprise. “How did she get THAT idea?!” was their first comment. I think they regard my quirks, wishes, spleens and idiosyncrasies as highly demanding and difficult to please. When I explained under which topic the term came up, I got: “Yeah, right. As long as one of us brings you coffee every hour and prepares some food and regulates the temperature in the room and fetches you some sweets from time to time … sure, 'low-maintenance' what else.” So mean … *pouts*

The week has been busy, so there wasn't really much time left for trying out your suggestion, but I discussed it with them and we all think that it makes sense. Will keep you updated if it actually helped, as soon as we got time to test it out.

As I got real bad tooth pain during the weekend, I went to see the dentist on Monday. One of my premolars/back teeth had a radiculitis and he needed to do a root canal treatment. I HATE dentists, I got some kind of phobia in that regard. It was really hard on me. But I survived and it got better the next day. To lessen the pain I took some aspirins, but I mixed them up with Sward's painkillers, which he got to treat his slipped disk. Hard stuff … I couldn't look straight any more and was kind of high till noon of the next day. Now I got a slight idea how Lin feels when he takes some of his 'big blue pills'. He needs those to lessen extreme heart pains that come from time to time and he behaves as if he is drunk and canned at the same time as soon as they are kicking in. Didn't feel great at all.

Lin and Sward finished the second set of bookshelves. Now the whole study is done, the only thing still missing are the four pictures that I am about to paint. The motives are coffee related, they fit the overall theme of the room quite well

We were so busy over the week, that I asked for sandwich-cuddle-time on the sofa with them yesterday evening. I really needed that, if feels so relaxing and .. well, just cuddly

Unfortunately Lin isn't feeling well, his doctor called and told him that some of his results don't look good and that they need to keep an eye on them. That's most likely the reason why he is so tired and worn out right now. I hope this will get better without him needing his tube-therapy (don't ask me how the right name for it is) again, it would cost us 200 €. A bit much at the moment, as we used everything for the renovation. We will see.

[Phy]

As I got to know a nice Italian lady who lives together with her three husbands and six children under one roof, we got to discuss the topic of children and how they handled theirs with three men being present. The advice she gave me was: Try to not determine the father beforehand, if they don't know issues like jealousy or insecurity don't come up as often as when it is planned. I didn't quite understand her point and asked Sward and Lin what they thought of that.

Lin said he absolutely understood why it would be easier to not know who the father is. He repeated the argument we discussed some months ago. He would feel hurt if the child, of whom he knew that it was his biological child, attached itself more to Sward than to him. If he knew that it is his biological child, he would want this child to turn to him if it was having trouble or pain to be comforted. Meaning: Tripping, falling and getting a sore knee, he would want his child to come running to him for support. If he wouldn't be able to know, he wouldn't be bothered as a result. He argued that this could be caused by his childhood where his father was seldom there (due to work) and he would have loved to spend more time with him. He wants to be important for his child, the number one person for support.

“Would you be more happy about proof or gestures of love and affection from your 'own' child as well? Regarding it as more important as the non-biological one?” was my concerned question. “No there is a difference. This doesn't apply to the positive sides, I wouldn't love my biological child more, I suppose. Just the 'negative side' would bother me.” I didn't get his point. We talked about it some more, but the end result was, that I am not able to believe him, that he wouldn't make some kind of distinction in value or importance in regard to the children.

When I asked Sward, he said that he would understand if one chooses the non planned and undistinguished fatherhood to ease the situation in a relationship like ours. But that he would love to stick to our system nevertheless. As this wasn't up for discussion, we skipped that point. He said that he doesn't believe that any of them would make a distinction between the children, that maybe the thought would be there now, but as soon as the children would be there, it would be all the same. He doesn't have the biological reflections going on, but I think that is due to the fact, that we already said that the first will be 'his'.

I am REALLY curious how things will be in late autumn. We set November as the latest date to start trying for a child. This will be an interesting period in our lifes, maybe the notions will change again until then.

[SourGirl]

That is very interesting Phy. I think in some cases, that not knowing might be beneficial. Maybe in cases where there was a lot of insecurity, this helped people.

In a way, it almost seems like a DADT policy, with children involved.


I wonder though, about the 'reality' aspect. Odds are, children will inherit physical features of their parents, and then there is always that 'sneaking suspicion'. I wonder if that would create problems, with an 'elephant in the room' type of scenario ?

My husband is the biological father of 2 out of my 4. He has been in the lives of the older 2 since they were very young. There is no difference in his love for biological vs. 'step'-children. There are plenty of step and co-parents who love the child equally.

Interesting thoughts for you guys to ponder, that is for sure.

[Phy]

Welcome to you as well, SourGirl. There is a pun involving your screen name and the manner in which you like to answer that crosses my mind each time I read some of your straight to the point, sharped-tongued posts, unfortunately it doesn't work in English But let's skip the small-talk and get back to topic.

Originally Posted by SourGirl

In a way, it almost seems like a DADT policy, with children involved.

Indeed, this hits the nail right on the head. And I don't get it. I am really worried that this will cause complications. Not in the sense that we would re-discuss if we should change our approach to children, but in regard to the actual situation getting real, meaning a biological and an 'adopted' child and Lin having problems because the kid may prefer Sward in certain situation over him.

Originally Posted by SourGirl

I wonder though, about the 'reality' aspect. Odds are, children will inherit physical features of their parents, and then there is always that 'sneaking suspicion'. I wonder if that would create problems, with an 'elephant in the room' type of scenario ?

Another aspect I put up for discussion. Because from my point of view this will likely be the case. It would be distinguishable who is the biological father for sure after some time. The main point for Lin seems to be the possibility to say something like: “Ah, look, behavior x/y is so typically me!” or “Have you seen these little dimples? She got that from her father.” My answer to the first part was: “Yeah, but that isn't a question of genes, the kids will adopt some gestures or manners from all of us. That's the main reason why children start to take after their parents.”
Concerning the second point: Yes, there could be some recognizable features, but as soon as the elephant is standing in the room (I love the metaphor btw <3) the initially (meant to be) more comfortable situation would be made void after all. *sigh* I really don't get it, as it seems.

Originally Posted by SourGirl

My husband is the biological father of 2 out of my 4. He has been in the lives of the older 2 since they were very young. There is no difference in his love for biological vs. 'step'-children. There are plenty of step and co-parents who love the child equally.

That was my experience as well. My father isn't my biological one and it never mattered to me or him. I kind of assume that this whole discussion will be null and void as soon as the little ones are there and smile at them for the first time. But I fear that there will be something in the back of Lin's mind that could cause some problems from time to time for himself. I don't think that this will affect the children directly, this seems to be more on the personal, private level for him. If anyone knows someone who thinks alike and can offer a different explanation why he would prefer knowing/not knowing, feel free to chime in.

[SNeacail]

There is always little insecurities and jealousies when the kid decides to cling to the other parent. The first time the baby rejects mom and will only be happy being held by dad is very hard, especially when for the last 9 months or so, only mom would do (the times when you would gladly hand said child off to anyone who would take him/her so you can run and hide doesn't count ). The little monsters can be fickle and random about their preferences, but in truth, they will cling to anyone that continually shows them love and affection.