Who's responsibility?

[BlackUnicorn]

Originally Posted by polyexplorer

I have a value that it is wrong to take another life. Would I take the life of someone who was about to kill my daughter - of course I would! That is an exceptional case.

I don't lie to people. I am a very honest person. Would I tell a lie in WWII days if I was harboring a Jew in my house in order to protect them from Nazi Germany? You bet I would! That is an exceptional case.

The problem with these two examples is that the hypothetical you is acting to protect another person from the evil intents of someone else than you. While in cheating, you are committing evil against your partner, and there is no one to protect them from you. Unless that is the hypothetical unattached/openly non-monogamous person whom you are considering starting an affair with, who in this situation has the power to say no, I won't go down that path.

[Chimera]

Originally Posted by polyexplorer

Throughout history rigidly held values and beliefs have created cultures and societies that are unhealthy. The rigidity of these beliefs and values make it more difficult for society to find a pathway into new and healthier beliefs and values.

I have a value that it is wrong to take another life. Would I take the life of someone who was about to kill my daughter - of course I would! That is an exceptional case.

I don't lie to people. I am a very honest person. Would I tell a lie in WWII days if I was harboring a Jew in my house in order to protect them from Nazi Germany? You bet I would! That is an exceptional case.

While these two cases above are quite dramatic, could I say that there would ever be a time that I feel like it would be better to lie to my wife in order to protect her? I hope not. But I don't want to rigidly say no, never... And I also don't want to create a rigid culture that makes it too difficult for someone to question their own values in exceptional circumstances...

The problem with hypotheticals is that they are just that. You don't know that you would be able to kill someone just as you don't know that you would be able to lie in the second case. You hope you would, but at that moment, you might not follow through.

If the case you presented at the begining is real, an ongoing situation, you have the ability to evaluate it in its full context. By going forward your actions would ultimately be disrespecting and hurting someone else. If you can rationalize that (the SO is evil etc.), then so be it. Otherwise, it's unconscionable behavior imo.

Why are you intent on the word "rigid"? My definition of honesty isn't rigid, it doesn't mean honesty in all circumstances. Instead, it is tied to other values I hold important in relationships, such as not hurting others, respecting them, allowing them to be party to decisions that will affect them and so on. Each situation I confront forces me to weigh out the possible outcomes and evaluate my actions. It's more about trying to live according to my principles, knowing that sometimes I will fall short and that's what it means to live in an imperfect world.

[redpepper]

Everyone makes mistakes, everyone can learn from them, everyone is on their own path and everyone has the right to be forgiven and supported. The question was would "I" go into this knowingly. No, I wouldn't, but that does not mean I would be an ass hole about it and give up on the person. I think I would likely urge them to do the right thing until such time as I was done urging, or they did what I think is right. Not because I am right and they are wrong, but because if they want to be a partner/love of mine, my boundary is no cheating.

[BrigidsDaughter]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Show me one on here? Show me a relationship where a partner who has been cheated on has embraced the cheating partner's secret lover. I don't mean tolerated..but has been truly healthy and developed compersion for what their partner has with the person they had an affair with.

Mono; I don't want to speak for Runic Wolf, but I believe that we are healthy and I'm pretty sure that he has more than just compersion for Wendigo; now; 2 years later.....though I didn't have a big long secret affair. I started off above board in what I thought I wanted, was offering Wendigo. But I got hit hard by the NRE train and didn't know how to express to Runic Wolf that I was falling in love, because I didn't know how to admit it to myself. So in a matter of weeks, Wendigo and I progressed from just friends with a specific benefit, to sex w/o Pretty Lady's consent (Runic Wolf kind of sped that along by encouraging me/trying to see how far I'd push the boundaries), to me sneaking him over while Runic Wolf was out of town and then lying about it..... which was STUPID because I had permission from all parties at that point but I was still struggling internally with what it all meant. Thankfully all parties forgave me for lying, getting caught up in NRE, and being generally STUPID (because Wendigo had insisted on honesty too and wasn't too happy with me for lying either).

At this point I am very big on making sure that we are all okay with anyone that I/ we sleep with and that their partner(s) are aware. We had this come up recently as PL and I gifted a friend with a 3 some after he "broke up" with his fiance. Only they ended up not breaking up, getting married, and having a baby w/in 4 months of that night. He never fessed up and we can't tell her because she is soo in denial.

[ClosetPoly]

Originally Posted by polyexplorer

I am just not a believer in holding things too rigidly. There are always exceptions - albeit sometimes very rare exceptions. These exceptions make me not want to hold things too tightly or rigidly, or to impose this on to others.

The respect and love for others should in my opinion always be held rigidly and absolute.
- I have had sex with A, I am sorry
- I am sorry, but I have to tell you that I would really like to have sex with A

One is a permanent lie, the other is a potential hurt and a chance for honesty. If your partner is not ready for you to have a relationship, in my humble opinion, you shouldn't. In that sense, you either don't, or leave and do.

My partner told me she was polyamorous and loved a common friend of us, knowing that I would throw her out. Thinking back a month, when she told me, I can remember the true fear in her eyes. She knew she was going to lose me, but she had to be honest. She knew there and then that she ended 13 amazing years with me. That's facing up to the consequences and being honest. It's also her being rigid with her personal values. She couldn't NOT tell me, she couldn't NOT be what she is.

So, if you are what you are, tell your partner. If your SO will let you be what you are, you are in for an even stronger relationship. If not, and you truly are what you are, you can't live happily under those constraints. So, don't cheat, be honest.