Thank you for more info. I do sympathize. I don't think it changes my opinion much though. It still isn't your place.
You too might be a minor even if you are in college. You guys at 18 are in the fuzzy space. It's usually somewhere between 18-21 depending on location. (You don't have to say where you live here. Maintain your internet anonymity.)
However, in the two years I had with her in high school, not once did I see any sign of it and neither did she. However, now that I am in college her anger has been getting worse because her anxiety is getting worse. The idea of "her" is a lashing out of violence towards others or herself. And I mean fantasies of mass murder by tooth and nail. No weapons. I promise that.
I would encourage you to encourage HER to speak to someone about this anger/anxiety. She could take personal responsibility. She could talk to her guidance counselor, her parents, turn herself into ER, etc.
If she's not doing it? You may have to do something you might not love in order to maintain YOUR well-being.
1) Tell her parents she says this stuff, and urge them to get her to care. As her next of kin, they are the ones actually responsible for her since she's still a minor/dependent.
2) If they don't? Could talk to your OWN parents and ask them for help and tell this this goes beyond your current skills. Maybe they can talk to her parents or call DCF (or the equivalent wherever it is you live) that there's a minor who needs help -- knowing that she and parents might suspect you were involved somehow.
3) Break up with with her because this is more than you can handle at this time if she's going around untreated.
4) A combo of the above or something else I cannot think of right now.
Mental health stuff doesn't make her a bad person. But you might find yourself bumping up on a personal limitation -- that not everyone has the skills/spoons to deal with stuff like this. It is ok if you come to find you do not.
At this time as a minor, the parents have a responsibility toward helping her maintain her wellness. She has a responsibility to report to her parents that she needs something because they are not mind readers. At 18 as a minor dependent, her health and well being is a "shared" job. When she is no longer a minor -- her health and well being will all be on her.
As for moving out, its larger changes that scare her the most. After the suicide threat, she was put into the hi-focus program which she despised every second of because it was a massive shift in schedule.
It sounds like her parents DID try to help after a suicide threat and put her in a program of some sort. As a patient, she might not love the program, but her parents are trying.
If her parents suck at doing their part of the job entirely (vs trying things and not finding the right fit yet)... She could call other relatives, DCF and so on if the biggest thing provoking the anger/anxiety is living with the parents who do nothing to help her. I think she has to be the one to initiate that though. If she wants to become an emancipated teen or seek other paths for her health or whatever it is she wants.
So it doesn't really change much from your angle. You are the 18 yr old BF who is dating her, but not actually next of kin or in a position to do much for her in this arena other than be supportive and encourage her toward making healthy choices.
Like YOU cannot be the one to set things in motion because she is not your dependent . YOU cannot set things in motion because you aren't the patient who is going to be the one doing the hard work.
SHE has to set it in motion because she's the one who would have to do the work to improve her health situation.
Otherwise, even the parents are going to have a hard time. They can put in program after program, but if she's not going to do her side of the job in the shared responsibility? She is not there to take personal responsibility and do the hard work?
I don't know that anyone will be able to help her because she won't allow them to help her and she also won't help herself.
It's a very tough situation.
What YOU can do for yourself is draw up your own personal boundaries. Things for YOU to obey to help keep YOU safe/well. I will give you some examples but you have to decide where YOUR lines are drawn.
I have a personal boundary for myself.
I will not hang out with unmanaged people. It's ok to have illnesses, but if the person is not doing their therapies and meds and whatever it is in their management plan? Then I don't want to hang around with them. This is so my OWN wellness, anxiety, and stress can stay ok. I already do Alzheimer eldercare and my free time is valuable to me. I don't want to spend it doing MORE patient stuff being "on the clock just with someone else." If they are unmanaged, I will ask them to do their management plan and tell them I'm backing off. They can call me to hang out when they have it together. Ball is in their court.
I also have a personal boundary for myself.
If someone tells me they are suicidal, I call 911 and their next of kin. I've had to make that call before and it is SUPER unpleasant. Which is why I created boundary #1 -- to minimize having to do this. And I tell people I have this other personal boundary ahead of time. So don't be calling me if they don't want that to happen. They know exactly what to expect if they do call me with suicide threats. Can't act all surprised.
I will serve on someone else's suicide prevention plan if they actually have one and if I have the spoons -- for 6 months at a time only. This spreads the load around the family and friends so no one person is burning out. I do not exist to be someone else's life raft.
Me first. Not in a selfish way, but in a self care way. I cannot effectively help other people if I am running low on gas. When I have a full tank, then I can offer my help to others in a way that doesn't lead to me burning out or me hurting myself because I overextend myself.
These might be things you have not thought about before, but when you live long enough, you see a lot of stuff happen in Life. And then I think it is best to draw your personal boundaries for behavior you will and will not deal in and HOW you will deal in it if you do.
Galagirl
