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  #31  
Old 07-05-2011, 08:47 PM
Overthinker Overthinker is offline
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I may be a little late posting here but here's my two cents. I'm currently part of a quad that is made up of two married couples. My husband and I were friends with our other couple for quite awhile before all this began almost 8 months ago. We have children that are close in age and hung out at each other's houses for play dates, dinner, etc beforehand.

When we started being intimate things really got out of whack. We found that we were all wrapped up in NRE anytime the four of us got together and we ended up ignoring our spouses and people were getting their feelings hurt. We decided to plan weekly time for each of the secondary couples to try and alleviate the NRE and give each relationship their own time. This really filled a lot of our needs so we were able to focus the time we spent all together more as a family. We have had our dry spells but we try to make sure we all get together and have dinner as a family at least once a week and for special occasions such as birthdays and other parties, we all go out together.

We currently do not show any signs of affection to our secondary partners when we are around our spouses. This is mainly because my boyfriend has been very slow to progress with things and we try to go at his speed. We have talked about being able to be more open in the future but it is what it is right now.

My husband's girlfriend did slip the other night and gave my husband a kiss in front of me during a silly argument. She apologized and I thought I would have had a hard time seeing it but I was actually good with it. I guess it is a good thing in the big picture.

I do have to say though that having to control all impulses to casually touch or kiss my boyfriend when we are all together can be pretty hard and I have to assume it is just hard for the rest of us as well. But it makes the time when we are able to catch up with each other worth it even more.

Last edited by Overthinker; 07-05-2011 at 08:50 PM.
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  #32  
Old 07-06-2011, 06:10 AM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Thanks for your input, Overthinker! I realise that yes, it must be very hard for them not to kiss or cling like they want to, when around me, but that's just the way it has to be for a while. I have to be able to look at myself in a mirror and say that it's acceptable for my partner to have a boyfriend, and actually FEEL it's true, before I can move on to any all-togetherness.
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  #33  
Old 07-06-2011, 05:10 PM
Overthinker Overthinker is offline
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And I think it is totallly acceptable for it to be that way for a while. We've been doing this for almost 8 months and we still don't show any affection....and that is OK for us now. Who knows how long it will take to move to another level of openness for us and for your situation. One lesson from the forums that I have really tried to embrace it to move at the speed of the slowest person. That advice is great for full poly relationships as well as your own with you being mono. I think as long as the communication stays open, your partner will respect your boundaries and what you are comfortable with.
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  #34  
Old 07-07-2011, 06:34 AM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Originally Posted by Overthinker View Post
And I think it is totallly acceptable for it to be that way for a while. We've been doing this for almost 8 months and we still don't show any affection....and that is OK for us now.
Uhm, just to clarify, when you say "...we still don't show any affection...", that's around your primary partner, right? You still have a full relationship with your oso when alone? I.e. the boundaries are for public display and with your primaries, not in your actual relationship?
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  #35  
Old 07-07-2011, 10:16 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Originally Posted by ClosetPoly View Post
And if this is gonna work for all of us, I have to man up and be "selfish" enough to say what I feel, not what I think I want to feel.
I just want to chime in how amazing I think you are. My husband has been actively poly for most of the last 25 years now....he still hasn't gotten a grasp on being selfish enough to say what he feels...instead of what he thinks I want to hear.

It sounds like you're doing a great job. Not sure if you want to explore poly yourself at some point or not, but if you choose not to, it seems like you're going to handle everything pretty damn reasonably anyway, without the distraction of your NRE to keep you from worrying about their NRE.
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  #36  
Old 07-07-2011, 11:30 AM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I just want to chime in how amazing I think you are. My husband has been actively poly for most of the last 25 years now....he still hasn't gotten a grasp on being selfish enough to say what he feels...instead of what he thinks I want to hear.

It sounds like you're doing a great job. Not sure if you want to explore poly yourself at some point or not, but if you choose not to, it seems like you're going to handle everything pretty damn reasonably anyway, without the distraction of your NRE to keep you from worrying about their NRE.
Weeeell, don't give me a prize just yet... :-) I am not in any kind of happy place yet, and it's such a massive change in my life, in our lives, that it'll take me quite some time to accept them all, if I even can. And besides, until the NRE has calmed down, it's hard to trust things her boyfriend tells me. I think he's starting to realise how fantastic she really is, and has admitted that he can see it a difficult task to only have a part of her. But time will tell.

I must admit, I am worried that I along the way of "handling" this, will end up pushing myself away from my partner...
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Last edited by ClosetPoly; 07-07-2011 at 12:16 PM.
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  #37  
Old 07-08-2011, 04:32 PM
Overthinker Overthinker is offline
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Originally Posted by ClosetPoly View Post
Uhm, just to clarify, when you say "...we still don't show any affection...", that's around your primary partner, right? You still have a full relationship with your oso when alone? I.e. the boundaries are for public display and with your primaries, not in your actual relationship?
That's right. Unless we are alone with our OSO, you wouldn't know anything. We do have some boundaries on our alone time as well. We usually have a night a week where there are no boundaries. But there are also other sporadic times when we will go for a drink or stop by each other's house and talk for a little bit while our spouses are not there. During those times it's pretty much hands off but we have agreed that we can kiss and maybe a goodbye hug if the kids aren't around. This helps everyone's minds from running amuck all of the time. Now, with time, I think we would like to change that boundary as well and let each couple do their own thing whenever, but I think we are far from everyone being comfortable with that.

I also want to commend you for being as open as you have been. I understand your concern with pushing yourself away from your partner with "handling" the situation. Although my husband and I are both in this situation as poly there have been some very rough times for each of us along the way and I know it's not the end of them. I have found myself ok one moment and literally out of my mind freaking out about it the next. There have been times where I thought my husband and I were at an excellent place in openness just for me to have a meltdown that has resulted in my husband's wanting to shutdown and taking steps backwards. It definitely has kind of been of a dance with back and forth and up and down, but being open with all of our insecurities has really helped us be able to accept and embrace our situation.

Good luck!
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  #38  
Old 07-08-2011, 05:15 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Thank for your kind words! *hugs* And best of luck in your relationship(s), sounds like you have got something really good, and I definitely see your need for boundaries and rules when there are children involved, and I understand you guys have been doing this for a while now. For us, it's only been 3 weeks, roughly, and the only boundaries left are the ones for when we are together, all of us. They can kiss each other hello, and get some alone time when he leaves, other than that they are friends around me. When they are together alone, I don't really care what they do. I accepted weeks ago that she "acquired" him as a boyfriend, truly deep emotions already in place, and I didn't see the point of controlling any actions they do.
On that point, she literally just left, to spend their first night together at his place. I am surprisingly zen about it, so far. I went through my emotions earlier today, at work, following the jealousy handout pdf, and I wrote down all I felt about her leaving; abandonment, inadequacy, leftover blabla, and started proving them wrong, but then I realised that I was only feeding each one more. Towards the end of the pdf, she points out that you have another option, train your general security and self-confidence, and that's what I started doing. Ironically, I am the *safest* person in this situation. With my trust for her feelings towards me, nothing can harm me but myself, with whatever weapon I choose. So I chose something else. I am letting my confidence and trust in our relationship carry me through this barrier, as it did the previous, and hopefully will the next. And then I'll choose to handle whatever demon rears its head tomorrow.

We have made a rather nice ritual of their alone-time now. He picks her up, and takes her back to his place, and then I pick her up later, or in this case the next day. The glow on her face when she comes out the door and sees me is just fantastic, and it really makes me feel loved and secure.

Yikes, seven pm, time for workout, dogwalk, friend coming over at 9, movie and moral support, then bed and pharmaceutical candy for sleeping, then I get to pick up my Baby again! Yay! Smartest thing I've ever done was to actually ask my physician for something to help me sleep. That, and this forum, has really saved me in coping with this.

Thanks all!
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Don't fear god, don't worry about death; What is good is easy to get, and what is terrible is easy to endure.
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  #39  
Old 07-08-2011, 07:21 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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*hugs*
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  #40  
Old 07-08-2011, 10:58 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Brief update, mostly for my own sake, so I remember what I feel. I just got a lovely good-night sms from my partner, and it made me happy. I feel very lonely right now, but I'm so far managing to separate the loneliness from the real issue, that she is spending her first night with her boyfriend. I wouldn't say I'm calm, but I can't seem to grab hold of any strong emotions either...hopefully I've managed to actually realise that the physical relationship is not a threat, considering the emotional connection was superstrong from the start. She won't fall more in love with him because of this...if anything, she's most likely even more grateful to me. Love works in such a mysterious way. If someone had told me two years ago that today I would spend the night alone, because she was spending the night with so and so, I would laugh. Now I'm not laughing, but lo and behold, I'm not crying either...gods, could I be...is it possible...am I...being mature about this?? :-)
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