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Old 07-01-2011, 10:59 AM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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Default Pregnant girlfriend. WTF now?

I talked about this a bit in my blog:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...9525#post89525

I posted this bit here because I thought it brought up a bigger discussion about pregnancy that deserves its own thread. After all, that's one of the consequences of sex, whether we want to acknowledge it or not.

I'm very curious how others deal with this, because it does happen (as I've found out). A pregnant secondary raises many issues. What about a pregnant primary from a secondary lover? What about pregnancy in a true triad?

The self-hatred is flooding in because of this, and from an intellectual perspective I know that shit happens and nothing is fool-proof. From an emotional standpoint, I feel like I crossed the great taboo line even though it was nowhere near intentional. So, how do you guys deal with this? How would you were you in my situation?
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Old 07-01-2011, 11:53 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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If I became pregnant and didn't want to be (as I am gathering is the case from the fact that you said she was on the pill), I'd get an abortion.
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Old 07-01-2011, 12:42 PM
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As I asked on your blog thread:

Quote:
Gosh, SS, that is really unfortunate. So, she lied about being on the Pill, or forgot to take her pills for a few days? I didn't know you 2 were fluid bonded.

You say it's "likely" the child is yours. Do you mean she was also fucking some other guy(s) bareback while she was also fucking you?
Sounds like the first thing you need to do is get tested for STDs.
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Old 07-01-2011, 12:53 PM
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Your situation is so much more complicated because I understood that you are no longer involved with the woman who carries your(?) child. Should become pregnant, I would be happy, no matter the father. Freaked-out, but happy. My partners of course might feel differently, but it's something I usually bring up in the rather early stages of the relationship - that even though the likelihood is very low, if I do conceive, I am going to keep the baby.

I am sorry I have no words of advice or great insight for you .
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Old 07-01-2011, 03:06 PM
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Pregnancy is one of those things that we talked about a lot before becoming involved with other people. For mostly financial reasons we have all the children we want. If it were to happen though I would work on building a stronger relationship with my metamour. The child to be would be a part of our family and therefore by default so would my metamour. I would want the children to all grow up together and to know each other. I'd really really prefer that it never happen though and I know that I never want to be pregnant again (and will take all precautions to prevent it).
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Old 07-01-2011, 06:07 PM
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If I were the one pregnant, I'd have already gotten the abortion. Sadly, my genetic material is currently developing of its own accord in another human being and I obviously have zero control of that whatsoever.

Mags, I've been tested, no STDs. I don't know if she was with anyone else or not, she says she was not, as I mentioned in the blog, but I really have no way of actually knowing.
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Old 07-01-2011, 06:34 PM
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I just posted this over on your blog:
Listen, I know this might sound cold, but women have been aborting pregnancies since ancient times. We have the ability to bring life into this world, and with that also comes the ability to take that life away. Sometimes it is just what needs to be done. Stop thinking of it as a child - not a child yet. You don't have to keep reinforcing how bad you must think she feels about it. Sure, it can be traumatizing, but sometimes it simply is not. I always think people indulge too much into how "horrible" someone must feel when this becomes necessary. I have had two abortions and never felt any remorse about them. The option comes with the territory of being a sexually active woman. L says that abortion is what she is choosing to do, obviously she doesn't want a baby since she talked about adoption, too. There is no need to get bent out of shape about that. The procedure is quick and simple. It is much safer for her, it would seem, than carrying the baby.

However, lesson learned! Now you know that even when a paramour has birth control, you take a huge risk not using a condom. For pregnancy AND disease. It sucks that something like this happens in order to wake you up about it, but stop fretting and look at what needs to be done. Personally, I don't think it would be fair for G. to leave you over this -- it's a risk in poly, and non-monogamy. Just try to keep emotions out of it and deal with the reality: You stupidly didn't use protection. L got preggers, and will abort the pregnancy. I say, help arrange and pay for that right away! Be there for her as much as you can, and then resolve to use protection from now on. Get tests for all the possible diseases, and move on.
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Old 07-03-2011, 01:59 PM
fuzzyfuzbourne fuzzyfuzbourne is offline
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Im a polyamorous FAMILY. children are luckier than in monogamous dual-partner families. Poly families have more than one parent. This rocks for the children!

If there realy is a pregnancy, congratulations... that's awesome!
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Old 07-03-2011, 02:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fuzzyfuzbourne View Post
Im a polyamorous FAMILY. children are luckier than in monogamous dual-partner families. Poly families have more than one parent. This rocks for the children!

If there realy is a pregnancy, congratulations... that's awesome!
I think that the reason OP isn't excited is because he and his secondary have been broken up for months. So infact, they would not be a poly family.

SS - I am sorry that your primary is struggling so much with this. I hope that you are able to come to terms with this and move forward. Also, *if* you continue in Poly and do not want any more children please do not expect the women in your life to be soley responsible for prevention..... getting yourself snipped might be a good alternative.
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Old 07-03-2011, 02:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
Also, *if* you continue in Poly and do not want any more children please do not expect the women in your life to be soley responsible for prevention..... getting yourself snipped might be a good alternative.
I've had this conversation with Cotton Candy a few times. She has her tubes tied...and when I become sexually active with other women, I always wrap my willie. But I also realize accidents happen....and therefore, I will probably eventually get snipped to help prevent the possibility of pregnancy.


To the OP:

I'm not sure of what you CAN do in this situation. What was the reason for the break up? Is it reconcilable? If so, I would look into it and trying to rekindle the relationship. You don't want to miss out on that child do you?

I'm not big on abortions at all. When discussing this with past lovers, we agreed that abortion was not an option. Just like anything else in life, if you play the game, you gotta accept the risks. One of those risks is a child, in this game. So, pony up to the bar and take responsibility. IN MY OPINION, abortion, in addition to being mean and (in my opinion) murder, is an easy out for irresponsibility. (There ARE extenuating circumstances such as rape or other things, which I believe abortion should be legal for. But just to prevent an unplanned pregnancy due to a "mistake", is not acceptable to me.)





* The opinions voiced in this post are just that....OPINIONS. Neither right, nor wrong. I trust the other ADULTS on this board, with differing views, to realize that fact and not break out the flame train. LOL
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