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Old 07-02-2011, 01:41 AM
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polylicious polylicious is offline
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Default Coming Out As Poly To Your Parents, Siblings, Children, Friends etc.

Hi there Poly Peeps,

I'm at the point where I tell most co-workers that we're "in an open marriage". They readily accept this because my wife is bisexual and is quite 'out' and is dating women and men (she presently has a bf and gf) and that I'm free to do the same. I only tell my coworkers about her dating women though... seems I'm scared to come out as 'poly'.

I think that explaining that I'm "poly" vs. only 'open' and really about the connections, depth of relationship, and allowing the relationship to grow to it's natural state without restrictions or reservations for myself (or my partners)... is too much for most people to grasp (or 'accept' -- I suppose that's my fear if I'm honest, what others will think of me).

My siblings don't know. My parents don't know. My children don't know.

My children DO know my wife is bisexual. And they suspect she's "kissed a girl and liked it". At dinner recently we were out at a restaurant and my wife was with her gf and they held hands discreetly under the table and I'm quite sure my two youngest kidlets saw.

I think it's also in the air as my youngest (10) said to me recently "Daddy, I'm not ok with married people kissing people they aren't married to". I explained there are many types of marriages and relationships and that if it was ok with the people who were married, it wasn't bad but instead was quite ok and good because that's what they decided they want. She ended by saying "Ok but when I'm married, for MY marriage, I don't want that" and I sensed she was kind of giving me an 'out' for when she found out things more 'officially'.

I think the path to our being 'out' may be:
- kids learn my wife indeed has a gf and has 'kissed a girl and liked it', and then that she has a bf
- kids learn that I'm dating too (which will throw them for a loop -- the whole daddy infidelity mindset (they quite often talk about men and their affairs with disdain, and of my dad and his affairs with great contempt) and of course their fear of the risk of losing the societally and religiously programmed family 'foundation' of having a mom & dad only be with each other) ... wow, I can hear my personal fear of being 'found out' by my children in my typing this...
- then we come out to everyone ... for with the kids knowing, it'd be quite 'out there' and hard to contain

Of course things may unfold differently, time will tell.


QUESTIONS:

1) What has your experience and journey been for people finding out about your open / poly relationship(s)? ("people" being: your siblings, parents, children, coworkers, friends).

2) What did you do that made things go well in revealing your poly relationship(s) and mindset?

3) What pitfalls would you suggest people avoid as they start along the journey of 'coming out' as poly?


Thanks so much.
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Old 07-02-2011, 02:04 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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There's a huge thread here about "coming out." Helps to do a search first - I am sure some of your questions or concerns are answered or at least discussed there. The mods will probably add yours to it:

Coming out
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Old 07-02-2011, 02:37 AM
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polylicious polylicious is offline
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Oh, super, thanks!
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"You're neither unnatural, nor abominable, nor mad; you're as much a part of what people call nature as anyone else; only you're unexplained as yet -- you've not got your niche in creation." ~ The Well of Loneliness, 1928 Radclyffe Hall
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