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Old 06-29-2011, 12:30 PM
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faeriesrreal faeriesrreal is offline
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Unhappy i'm back again and scared of divorce now

ok so it has been awhile since i have been here. and i know my poly hubby and i should most likely seek counseling but i am not sure at this point it will work.he has had one semi serious gf, which i was ok with because i liked her and i knew she wasn't a threat to me or to us as a couple. but he has now found another girl who lives a pretty good distance away adn they have a lot in common supposedly (more than what we have now it looks like). I also had one semi serious bf but he broke it off because of his own personal reasons. what i am afraid of is hubby leaving me because he says we don't share enough interests anymore, and it's true. he is into different geeky stuff than i am. i only just recently also admitted to myself that i am in fact a geek girl; which is something that he had been trying to help me realize that had been a sticking point. we have tried finding things we both like to do but there just isn't a whole lot. he likes video games, board games, card games, computers, anime. I like more of the paranormal, conspiracy theories, science and history. another thing that is a problem is that he feels like he is a woman stuck in a man's body. he likes to dress up occasionally and that makes me very uncomfortable. he DOES NOT want a sex change and he does not want to go around full time as a woman, he just has more female feelings and it does make him comfortable to wear dresses and make up and be made love to as a woman. i get really weirded out by this. so, not only does he want another relationship with a woman, he wants to feel free to act out as a woman on occasion. i am just so lost and confused and scared because we have been together 12 years. i would appreciate anyone reaching out to me with support and some kind advice. I know I had been speaking to a couple of you previously and had been a wonderful source of support. i would gladly give my cell number to whoever feels that they would be willing to speak to me as typing on here can be time consuming. thank you.
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Old 06-29-2011, 11:35 PM
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Is this mostly about the cross dressing for you or the not finding stuff that you like to do together? Both are quite different and your relationship could go in different ways as a result of those differences.
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Old 06-30-2011, 12:26 AM
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for me i think it's the cross dressing. i mean right now he is upstairs "getting" ready and wanting to have sex with me that way. he's not going full on, but he is shaving his legs and that alone weirds me out. i am willing to try because his "girlfriends" don't have a problem with it and were even intrigued by it. i have only been with two "real girls" in real life anyway and both of those experiences were awkward. i think if i were to have more experiences with "real girls" i would know what to do, how to be, etc. i am not opposed to being with women; i just don't tend to have very good relationships with them. i am what i call "heteroflexible" meaning i do what the situation calls for.
how do i get over this? or do i just grin and bear it and bite the bullet to save my marriage?
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Old 06-30-2011, 12:36 AM
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You don't have to get over it. You don't have to bite the bullet. You can, however, adopt an attitude of adventure and surrender (not submit) to what is showing up in your life right now, as if it is exactly what you want and simply something to explore with curiosity. Take teensy-weensy baby steps and see how it goes. You might be surprised and actually like how his unshaven legs feel against yours. Get into the sensations rather than your mental constructs of what it is "supposed to be." Treat is as if your hubs simply brought home a new sex toy from the store - "Oooh, how does it work? Let's try it!" If it gets too uncomfortable, talk about it, but don't just grin and bear it - that wouldn't be fun for either of you!
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-30-2011 at 12:39 AM.
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Old 06-30-2011, 12:45 AM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by faeriesrreal View Post
for me i think it's the cross dressing. i mean right now he is upstairs "getting" ready and wanting to have sex with me that way. he's not going full on, but he is shaving his legs and that alone weirds me out.
Treat this as a game, a fantasy. You might find ways that it can be great fun. You can act a part, take on the persona of a character.... And think of him the same way, play-acting. Maybe he has fantasies he can tell you about and you can act them out. For me, genderbending is easier in a D/s context; maybe you guys could explore other ideas too.

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i am willing to try because his "girlfriends" don't have a problem with it and were even intrigued by it. i have only been with two "real girls" in real life anyway and both of those experiences were awkward. i think if i were to have more experiences with "real girls" i would know what to do, how to be, etc. i am not opposed to being with women; i just don't tend to have very good relationships with them. i am what i call "heteroflexible" meaning i do what the situation calls for.
how do i get over this? or do i just grin and bear it and bite the bullet to save my marriage?
DON'T do something sexual that you're genuinely uncomfortable with. After all, this is part of the beauty of polyamory: he can get this needfulfilled elsewhere! You said he has a girlfriend that likes it, right? Then that's great! He can get his genderbending fun with her instead, if you sincerely don't want to take part in it.
You don't have to be all things for him. You only have to be genuinely YOU.
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Old 06-30-2011, 01:10 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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I've been with a guy who liked to underdress - women's panties, stockings, garter belt, the whole nine yards! He had nicer stuff than me. Hehehe.

The first time I saw him, I did kind of want to giggle. But I didn't because hey, it took a lot of guts to come out like that to me. It did look weird to me, but he wasn't hurting anyone by doing it and he really, really liked that way those things looked and felt on him. So I gave it a shot. And then continued to try it.

And then I started finding things I LIKED about it. Loved the way his panties cupped his balls. Loved how panties are tighter than men's underwear, so excitement was very obvious. He also liked to fuck while wearing everything. And let me tell you! Lace panties feel fantastic rubbing on your lady parts in missionary! Once I started to enjoy it, I started picking out things for him, and even bought a couple of matching sets for me and him.

I will always remember that relationship fondly, (it was just a casual thing we had), and I hope whoever he is with, or ends up with fully accepts and enjoys him.
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Old 06-30-2011, 01:24 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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As far as the shaving of legs, well, swimmers shave everything (reduces drag) and I've always found swimmers - male or female - amazingly sexy.

You do not have to do anything sexually you do not want to. It sounds like he has other outlets for cross dressing if need be. But he is taking a risk showing you this side of him - respect that, even if you don't participate.

But if you give it and him in a dress a whirl, remember you are not doing a 'real girl' - he's still your lover and husband, just in hose and a skirt. He sounds like a classic crossdresser - someone who loves the feel of women's clothes on his body but does not wish to be female otherwise. You don't need expertise in making love to a woman - you've already got all the expertise needed!
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Old 06-30-2011, 04:09 AM
serialmonogamist serialmonogamist is offline
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My ideal of a totally committed relationship involves people wanting to support each other in all forms of growth, development, and change. The idea, imo, is that you love this person because of what they are THROUGH all their changes and growth. Mostly I find that people just can't appreciate diversity limitlessly and so they get put off by certain things regardless of how much they accept their partner's cultural freedom. I would say if you and your partner are really soul-mates, he will appreciate your interests because they're yours and you will appreciate his femininity because it's his. Your love for each other will lead you to look at strange things from the perspective of your partner and see them in a new light. When you're not able to do this, it could mean you're out of love. Idk if it definitely means that but I would like to think love lets you appreciate something from someone else's perspective, even when you don't necessarily like it yourself - like enjoying teletubbies because your toddler goes crazy for them.
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Old 06-30-2011, 05:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by faeriesrreal View Post
i have only been with two "real girls" in real life anyway and both of those experiences were awkward. i think if i were to have more experiences with "real girls" i would know what to do, how to be, etc. i am not opposed to being with women; i just don't tend to have very good relationships with them. i am what i call "heteroflexible" meaning i do what the situation calls for.
This has nothing to do with cross dressing. He is still the same man, just more interesting. Cross dressing is about feeling comfortable wearing women's clothing sometimes, having fun and enjoying the idea of it, not about gender or the desire to change gender. Cross dressers are still men, just in women's clothing. You not having little experience with women or struggling with their company is nothing to do with this.

How'd it go?
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Old 06-30-2011, 07:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by faeriesrreal View Post
how do i get over this? or do i just grin and bear it and bite the bullet to save my marriage?
I would suggest seeing a therapist, because this seems to be a huge hang up for you and it might benefit you both to find out what's behind it.

I belong to a historical re-enactment group, the dressing up, creating costumes, etc is all part of the appeal. It's THEATER! I know singers that will just break out into song at any given opportunity and actors that make a production out of everything. It used to make me feel uncomfortable, but it makes them happy and relaxed, so now I just sit back and enjoy. Maybe I'm naive, but I don't see how this is any different.

Enjoy his excitement, enjoy the sensations of a newly shaved body. Steping outside your comfort zone and getting involved in helping him dress, might help to ease your discomfort. Just a thought, but I still think therapy should seriously be considered.
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