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  #21  
Old 07-01-2011, 07:30 AM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
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What an awesome way to start!

It's very, very good that you talked with him. Well done!

Perhaps you could suggest he take a look at this forum and other resources? He can get just as much support here as you can

He sounds like an awesome guy; congrats
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  #22  
Old 07-01-2011, 12:27 PM
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So I talked to my boyfriend. He didn't storm out, he didn't get mad, he wasn't even really surprised. He said that he wasn't, but he could maybe work on getting used to me being so. And that there were things we had to talk about, and all, but I was actually the one who did all the crying and freaking out. I feel so much...lighter. We still have a lot to work out, figure out, and it's not like, he's amazingly happy with the whole thing, for example, he's not sure he would be okay with me having other serious long term relationships, but that we'd see how things went. He said that he didn't own me and it wasn't like I'd made a decision once that I would be with him from there on in, but that it was a decision that I made every day. I know he'd be happier if this wasn't the case, but that he wants me to be happy and would be way more worried about me repressing things and that in the future, there might be things he really wasn't okay with and maybe couldn't deal with, but that we had to take things as they come, and that he still loved me.

All in all, it went way better then I could have hoped. Thanks for all your help and advice and I'm fairly sure that I'll probably need it again, as I still have no idea what to do with/about all this, but my boyfriend knows, and he doesn't hate me, and thats enough for me for now.
That's all really great, Silia. Kudos to you for being so brave.

About this low libido thing tho. In a perfect world, your current bf would also be poly, or some form of non-monogamous, so he could get the sex you can't provide. How *does* he deal with your lack of drive, anyway?

Do you think getting involved with the new guy is fair, knowing you don't have much, if any sex drive? Or.... do you think the newness of it all would make you horny for him? How would that work, if you desire the new guy, but not your current bf?
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  #23  
Old 07-01-2011, 05:30 PM
Silia Silia is offline
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Fuck if I know. I hadn't really thought much beyond this. I'm kind of hoping that the fact that I'm not feeling guilty all the time will help with the sex drive thing a little. I don't even know if anything will happen with the other guy, like, i haven't decided whether or not I even want to tell him I like him.

I know it's really hard on my bf, my whole lack of sex drive, it also doesn't help that we're often turned on by opposite situations. I am going to be getting my meds reevaluated. I'm also pretty much a firm believer in sex not being the most important part of a relationship. He's been okay with this so far, and given how things have changed we'll need to talk more about it, but thanks for bringing it up.

Thanks.
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  #24  
Old 07-02-2011, 11:44 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I know it's really hard on my bf, my whole lack of sex drive, it also doesn't help that we're often turned on by opposite situations...
Hmm, I wonder what you mean by "opposite." So, there's more to this lack of sex in your current relationship than just your meds.
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miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
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  #25  
Old 07-04-2011, 02:42 AM
Silia Silia is offline
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It's mostly just that I generally need a lot of wind up, a night out, sexy clothes, that kind of stuff to get in the mood, because it can be really hard for me right now. After a night out, however, he generally just likes to crash out. If it weren't for the med related issues it probably wouldn't be that big a deal. Also, I dropped one set of meds recently and this particular issue has been getting a little better.
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  #26  
Old 07-04-2011, 02:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Silia View Post
It's mostly just that I generally need a lot of wind up, a night out, sexy clothes, that kind of stuff to get in the mood, because it can be really hard for me right now. After a night out, however, he generally just likes to crash out.
Next time you go out, keep it a short night so that he still has some steam. Tell him you want to get home to show off your sexy lingerie, go fuck him in the car, whatever, but make sure he knows what you want so he doesn't crash.
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  #27  
Old 07-04-2011, 03:00 AM
Silia Silia is offline
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NYCindie: Will try to keep that in mind.

Also, does anyone have any advice on setting basic boundaries to start out with? We're both completely new to this. I know the whole thing isn't something he's entirely happy about, which I completely understand. I mean, its still something that I'm trying to come to grips with. I guess, I read some stuff about boundaries involving little things, like him being the only one allowed to give me roses or having certain kinds of dates that are just for us, or a certain dress that I'll only wear for him or stuff like that in addition to big things like issues of sex or spending the night places or stuff.

He said his biggest problem was the idea of me having long term relationships with other people, about having to share me long term. I understand completely, but at the same time, I can't imagine just being able to say, okay, this has been going on x number of months so has to stop now. I guess, it would be easier to at least at first regulate things by level of commitment.

Any advice? I don't plan/really want to jump into anything right away and want to make sure I really think things through, especially while I'm still figuring out what I want. Before I have that down it seems like it will be hard to figure things out with my bf. Unfortunately, I know I tend to be the kind of person who needs to try things out before I can figure out how I really feel about them.

Last edited by Silia; 07-04-2011 at 03:03 AM.
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  #28  
Old 07-04-2011, 05:01 AM
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you might want to check out tagged threads such as "foundations" and "lessons" ... or "boundaries" You can look for tags in the search engine and press tags.
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  #29  
Old 07-04-2011, 09:33 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Silia View Post

He said his biggest problem was the idea of me having long term relationships with other people, about having to share me long term. I understand completely, but at the same time, I can't imagine just being able to say, okay, this has been going on x number of months so has to stop now. I guess, it would be easier to at least at first regulate things by level of commitment.
Of course. He's probably just thinking you'll casually date someone, maybe have sex a few times, then say, "See ya, Charlie," and "come back" to him.

He doesn't get being poly means many loves. Poly doesnt mean having a primary and a then a secondary you just kinda like and can sort of take em and leave em. Poly means being in relationship, committed to more than one. Even if you only see your secondary once a month, there will be ims, texts and phone calls.

And can one really regulate commitment? Feelings are feelings. If your new lover and you feel drawn to each other, you can't just become less interested in them to make your primary comfortable. Things have to follow their natural course. Some people do draw boundaries around texting the secondary a lot when the prmary is right there for couple time tho.

It's important to show lots of love and affection to your primary while experiencing new relationship energy with another.

That said, it sounds like you and your husband have some iffy areas going on in your own relationship right now around sex. Taking you out on a romantic date (foreplay for women, right?), getting you all warmed up and sexy feeling, and then just falling asleep when he gets home... not good.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #30  
Old 07-04-2011, 02:48 PM
serialmonogamist serialmonogamist is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
That said, it sounds like you and your husband have some iffy areas going on in your own relationship right now around sex. Taking you out on a romantic date (foreplay for women, right?), getting you all warmed up and sexy feeling, and then just falling asleep when he gets home... not good.
From her other posts, I got the idea that her libido was lacking a lot of the time. Maybe he just thinks it's ok for things not to build up to sex since it doesn't happen when he's expecting it. Just a guess.
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