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  #11  
Old 06-29-2011, 05:23 PM
serialmonogamist serialmonogamist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
It seems to me you might qualify for the first one. Now the thing is, even if you out yourself to your boyfriend, it doesn't mean you have to do anything about it. But if you keep it a secret from him, it might drive you apart. Already when he says he loves you, your mind goes to negative thoughts of hurting him instead of happy thoughts of loving and being loved back.
But realistically, how much of monogamy is about protecting your partner and nurturing their ego by avoiding saying things that have the potential to make them feel insecure? How often do you hear that women want to be told they're not fat regardless of what their partners really think or that they're the most beautiful woman in the world and don't enjoy the thought of their men checking out other women? The song lyric comes to mind, "tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies." It is wrong but when people adopt this culture of maintaining facades that protect others' feelings, it can feel very scary to elevate honesty above someone else's feelings. It can feel like honesty is selfish instead of liberating for everyone involved. Ultimately, if your partner was truly strong, they could handle any truth you confronted them with but when the reality is that people shun each other for honesty, it becomes a hard choice to open up and risk losing the person you love and potentially not being able to find anyone else who will accept you in your openness. Ideally the truth will set you free in the end, but what trials might you have to go through to reach that freedom? Liberation is not easy and freedom isn't free (to quote a cliche')
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  #12  
Old 06-29-2011, 06:08 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Ignore PaulFromNO - based on the other posts I saw this morning, he is trolling.
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  #13  
Old 06-29-2011, 06:09 PM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by serialmonogamist View Post
But realistically, how much of monogamy is about protecting your partner and nurturing their ego by avoiding saying things that have the potential to make them feel insecure? [...] The song lyric comes to mind, "tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies." It is wrong but when people adopt this culture of maintaining facades that protect others' feelings, it can feel very scary to elevate honesty above someone else's feelings. It can feel like honesty is selfish instead of liberating for everyone involved. Ultimately, if your partner was truly strong, they could handle any truth you confronted them with but when the reality is that people shun each other for honesty, it becomes a hard choice to open up and risk losing the person you love and potentially not being able to find anyone else who will accept you in your openness. Ideally the truth will set you free in the end, but what trials might you have to go through to reach that freedom? Liberation is not easy and freedom isn't free (to quote a cliche')
You are very correct. People get this stupid notion in mind that they need to censor themselves in order to avoid hurting their partners. Over time, one lie of omission builds upon another, and you find yourselves surprisingly far apart over the course of the years.

Telling the truth is very hard and scary at first, but it brings you CLOSER. You need those little course corrections over time, to keep yourselves from drifting apart. The trick is in learning how to talk about difficult subjects without being accusatory. "I" language and non-violent communication are the typical techniques.
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  #14  
Old 06-29-2011, 06:47 PM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
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Originally Posted by Silia View Post
Thank you so much everyone for the encouragement. I was really scared after I got that first response.
I almost never post here; mostly I just lurk and if there's a point-of-view or some such that's been left out of a thread, then I might speak up. Mostly I just lurk. But after seeing that.... disturbed.... post from PaulFromN.O. (who is either a troll or worse, IMHO), and that you'd read and responded to him, I just.... Ugh. I couldn't bear the idea of someone new to the idea of being polyamorous actually being given that as *advice*. I just can't stay quiet in the face of that kind of drivel. I do hope you'll continue to get -good- information to aid you on the road ahead.
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  #15  
Old 06-29-2011, 07:13 PM
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Yes, same for me. I know how scary this can be and he was just ... rude and wrong.
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  #16  
Old 06-29-2011, 11:56 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I might be repetitive, sorry I don't have time to read the other posts right now.

I think if I were you I would tell him with as much love and caring as you can muster that you think you might be poly. Tell him about the two other men, tell him that you do not intend to cheat or pursue anything that he is not able to handle right now due to his circumstance, but that you have given it a great deal of thought and that it will come up one day.

Then let him do the talking. He might not be jealous, but it sounds like he might be concerned that you will leave him... keep reassuring that is not your intent, but you don't know what will happen... no one does, EVER.

Then I would direct him here there and everywhere on the topic of poly and leave him alone with it for a set amount of time that the two of you agree on... or decide to investigate together... the idea being it be how ever he wants to approach it for now.

Remember that you have lived with this for some time... respecting that he needs to catch up and learn is important for your future with him. Thankfully there is no real possibilities on the horizon right now and you haven't cheated... that is a HUGE bonus. Take your time, let him take his time. I would think that getting this burden out and off your shoulders will make a big difference to you.
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  #17  
Old 06-30-2011, 07:18 AM
Silia Silia is offline
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I'm glad, because reading that did make me feel pretty lousy.

There are also two other complications to the whole situation though.

1. Our sex life is not amazing. It's partially because of me, I'm on meds that kind of kill my ability to enjoy it right and I have long stretches with no libido, but he sees it all as his fault. I try to reassure him that it isn't, that I consider him way more important then amazing sex or whatever, and that i am pretty sure a lot of the problem is on my end anyways, but this seems to do varying degrees of not helping and making him feel worse. I'm scared that if I tell him I might be poly he's going to think it's because of the sex problems and feel even worse.

2. Before I tell him, I'd like to talk the whole thing over with someone I know (not that you're advice hasn't been really helpful, that's a huge part of the reason I'm resolved to tell him in the first place). Unfortunately the only two poly people I know are a girl from college I haven't really talked to in over a year and the guy I like. Honestly, he's the better choice because he's actually in a really loving, poly relationship and it was him explaining to me about him and his girlfriend that made me really start thinking about it. We were pretty drunk when we had this conversation (me him and another girl we were on a trip with), and I mentioned that I thought I might be poly and he offered to try to explain it better when sober, but I'm worried that if I tell him all about the situation he'll put two and two together. I don't know if I really want him to know I like him right now. I mean, in a perfect world he'd like me too and my boyfriend would be okay with the whole poly thing and maybe we could consider trying something, but someone find me a perfect world and I'll go streaking in my very genteel neighborhood. It's more likely that a. he won't feel the same and will feel really awkward about us hanging out, which regardless I like to do anyways because I also just like him as a person or b. he'll feel a bit the same but my boyfriend will be crazy crazy against it and things will be even worse because I'd know that if it weren't for that there could actually be a chance, and queue guilt and frustration, or any number of c's, d's or e's.

So yeah...I guess I just want to get through this things without killing my relationship or friendships...

Thanks for all your help so far, you've been really great.

Last edited by Silia; 06-30-2011 at 07:43 AM.
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  #18  
Old 06-30-2011, 09:04 AM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
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You make me think of a couple more things you should consider about all of this....

It does in fact sound like you can and want to love multiple people. Loving is easy, though; it's managing relationships that is hard. Very, very hard, sometimes. Do you think you can realistically manage more than one relationship? On what level(s)? Can you maintain more than one sexual relationship, and still be able to satisfy your monogamous partner, with your decreased libido? (I'm not saying you can or can't, or that it should even be a factor - I'm just saying it's something else to think about.) Do you have -time- for more than one relationship? Can you juggle two relationships with your current schedule? Three? Seven? On what level, and to what extent? For an extremely personalized example, I'm pretty sure I can manage one or two relationships, if both partners have at least one other partner in the picture or have a very strong independent streak and need a lot of alone time. I can add to that maybe two or three infrequent friends-plus-more "semi"-relationships - people that I'm not "dating", per se, but love and spend time with, maybe be sexual with, but on a very casual level. I've learned this through experience, though, and I don't know how to explain how to learn it for yourself, I'm afraid.

What will you do if you hit it off with the new guy, with your boyfriend's blessing, and suddenly find that your boyfriend is being neglected time-wise or sex-wise or otherwise, due entirely to the amount of time you spend with the new guy? Will you spend less time with the new guy? Will he resent you for it? Will you resent your boyfriend for it? Will you break up with the new guy? Would that be something you discussed with all involved first?

Just some food for thought.

And a big, important point that you probably are already aware of.... The libido thing. Are you happy/satisfied with where your libido is? If so, maybe just go with it. But if not, can you discuss with your doctor about the prescription(s) you're taking and how you can combat this (actually major) side effect? Or if there are other options?

Oh, and - considering the circumstances, I really do think you should talk to your boyfriend before discussing polyamory with the guy you're interested in. I recognize that he may be the best/easiest source of information right now, but.... It'd be pretty cruel to your boyfriend, I fear.... Think from his shoes: He knows something's up. Give him credit, he may even know WHAT is up, moreso than you think. You talk with new guy, discover that yes, you're polyamorous, and YES you want to do something about it, and OH YES you're totally into the new guy, and he's into you, and then you tell your boyfriend that you're interested in the new guy and want a polyamorous relationship, and oh, by the way, you've already talked long and hard with new guy, and he's soooooooo spot on about how polyamorous you are..... See how this could send your boyfriend into a spiral of villainizing the new guy, and being hurt for you talking with "The Other Guy" before even TELLING him?? Just a thought. Sincerely, I think you need to talk to your boyfriend WELL BEFORE even considering talking to the new guy - even if it IS just to try to understand polyamory better.

Your very best option would be to track down a poly-friendly therapist and talk it out with someone whose profession it is to help others understand themselves. If you find a therapist that you like, it will be the best money you ever spent. I DO agree that you need to talk to some "real" people, not just strangers on the internet. Strangers on the internet might be able to give you a view not biased by your own opinion, but friends actually KNOW you - and therapists are trained to professionally guide you in knowing YOURSELF.
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  #19  
Old 06-30-2011, 05:35 PM
Silia Silia is offline
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Yeah, you kind of hit the nail on the head with the whole talking to the other guy thing. I was honestly trying to come up with a way to talk to him about it without letting on that I like him and having no luck whatsoever short of leaving out some stuff, which would feel almost like lying.

As to the whole libido thing, yes, it's something I've been looking into for well over a year lately, unfortunately the medication I'm on is kind of essential and the sexual side effects, anorgasma and lack of libido, are associated with pretty much all the medications I could take and trying a random switch would be...less then a good idea. I've tried pretty much everything I can think of, and the whole guilt thing isn't helping either.

I'm honestly not sure what I can handle right now...unfortunately I'm pretty sure the only way to find out is to explore it...I guess if anything were to happen I'd want it to start as just the whole "semi relationship" thing you described. I have no illusions of jumping straight into a full out relationship with someone and a not even sure if I want that right now. I mean, to be perfectly honest it would be kind of nice if the whole thing just went away, but I'm reasonably sure by this point that it won't and will just keep getting worse. And no matter what happens, I really want to make sure my boyfriend always comes first. When I think about my future he's the one I see there with me. I guess, if things did happen with the new guy it would help that he has a primary girlfriend of six or seven years who he loves to death. Their story is kind of what gave me hope that this whole thing might not be a complete disaster.
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  #20  
Old 07-01-2011, 05:33 AM
Silia Silia is offline
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Default Talked to him

So I talked to my boyfriend. He didn't storm out, he didn't get mad, he wasn't even really surprised. He said that he wasn't, but he could maybe work on getting used to me being so. And that there were things we had to talk about, and all, but I was actually the one who did all the crying and freaking out. I feel so much...lighter. We still have a lot to work out, figure out, and it's not like, he's amazingly happy with the whole thing, for example, he's not sure he would be okay with me having other serious long term relationships, but that we'd see how things went. He said that he didn't own me and it wasn't like I'd made a decision once that I would be with him from there on in, but that it was a decision that I made every day. I know he'd be happier if this wasn't the case, but that he wants me to be happy and would be way more worried about me repressing things and that in the future, there might be things he really wasn't okay with and maybe couldn't deal with, but that we had to take things as they come, and that he still loved me.

All in all, it went way better then I could have hoped. Thanks for all your help and advice and I'm fairly sure that I'll probably need it again, as I still have no idea what to do with/about all this, but my boyfriend knows, and he doesn't hate me, and thats enough for me for now.
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