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  #1  
Old 07-23-2011, 12:41 AM
onequarter onequarter is offline
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Default How much do you share with other people outside of the relationship?

My boyfriend & I (I'm female) are exploring poly, and we've made a mutual female friend. We all like each other very much and are considering a threesome at some vague point in the future. This lady and I have several ongoing conversations about sex and poly and BDSM, and these conversations are quite intimate. However, my boyfriend told our friend something that I have not shared with her -that I do not orgasm frequently - & he asked for her suggestions to get me off more. We are having a disagreement about this & I thought I should reach out to the experts.


I grew up in a very conservative religious house/atmosphere, and my boyfriend feels that I am very sex-negative. He feels it was appropriate for him to share this information because he was looking for feedback and ways to help our sex life improve, and that it is fair for him to go to outside sources because I don't criticize him or give him suggestions for improvement. He feels that asking him not to discuss the less-than-ideal parts of our sex life is selfishly imposing my sex-negative values on him.


We had a disagreement in the past because, at the time, this lady hadn't been introduced to me, and my boyfriend told her what type of contraceptive I use, as she was considering using the same type and he wanted me to help her weigh her options. He felt it was selfish of me to not want to offer my experience. I felt that my reproductive choices were not information he should be sharing with strangers.


I do not like the fact that I do not orgasm as much as my partners would like me to, because it causes a lot of stress & mutual feelings of inadequacy. As such, I don't want to share this information with people who don't need to know it. I would have told our friend about this particular issue if/when we had definitively decided to be sexual partners, but I feel that my boyfriend violated my trust by sharing this information with someone outside of our sexual relationship.


So, when you're navigating poly or potential poly, how do you decide what information gets shared by whom? What do you do if two people have different ideas of an appropriate timeline for sharing information with new partners?
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Old 07-23-2011, 01:27 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Default Prior discussions

There have been several other threads about this concern, and similar. Always helps to do a search first. Here are a few related discussions you might find helpful:

To Share or Not to Share?

Open Communication vs. Trust

Do you like knowing what your partner likes about their other partner?

He said, She said

A question of ettiquite



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Last edited by nycindie; 07-23-2011 at 01:49 AM.
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Old 07-23-2011, 01:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onequarter View Post
I grew up in a very conservative religious house/atmosphere, and my boyfriend feels that I am very sex-negative.
What specifically does he say you are sex negative about? Just because you grew up in a conservative, religious household doesn't mean you are sex negative.

Quote:
Originally Posted by onequarter View Post
He feels it was appropriate for him to share this information because he was looking for feedback and ways to help our sex life improve, and that it is fair for him to go to outside sources because I don't criticize him or give him suggestions for improvement. He feels that asking him not to discuss the less-than-ideal parts of our sex life is selfishly imposing my sex-negative values on him.
That's total bullshit. Sorry, but he owes you an apology big time I think... your private life has nothing to do with her and it is not his story to tell. If he has issues with your sex life that is between you and him and has nothing to do with sex negative... fuck I hate how people throw that shit around. seriously. Sex negative is about not agreeing that peoples bodies are their own and what they do with them is their decision. He seems to think that gives him a right to abuse your trust in him by telling whomever he chooses about you sexually.

Sex positive is not about abusing peoples right to privacy,or to be told what path they should take. Sex positive is to make your own choices about your sex life, to have as much privacy as you you need and to be respected for who you are wholistically not just sexually. I think quite often that gets pushed aside and women understand that they need to put out, be whatever their men want them to be and to not listen to their bodies. Nothing has changed it seems... its all bullshit if you ask me.... I await the next trend to see if that is better, because we are still owned by men.... where there is sex positive theory there is now internet porn and what that does to self image. Apparently that is suppose to liberate us... ya, no! Next he will be telling you that you need to trim your pussy lips cause they are too big!

Ya, I have some opinions about this

If you ask me, he is the one that is sex negative because he discussed your private information without running it by you first. Its about respect... he didn't respect you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by onequarter View Post
We had a disagreement in the past because, at the time, this lady hadn't been introduced to me, and my boyfriend told her what type of contraceptive I use, as she was considering using the same type and he wanted me to help her weigh her options. He felt it was selfish of me to not want to offer my experience. I felt that my reproductive choices were not information he should be sharing with strangers.
Again, not her business and not his info to share.


Quote:
Originally Posted by onequarter View Post
I do not like the fact that I do not orgasm as much as my partners would like me to, because it causes a lot of stress & mutual feelings of inadequacy. As such, I don't want to share this information with people who don't need to know it. I would have told our friend about this particular issue if/when we had definitively decided to be sexual partners, but I feel that my boyfriend violated my trust by sharing this information with someone outside of our sexual relationship.
no shit! You ever right to be concerned and offended... he broke trust.


Quote:
Originally Posted by onequarter View Post
So, when you're navigating poly or potential poly, how do you decide what information gets shared by whom? What do you do if two people have different ideas of an appropriate timeline for sharing information with new partners?
what is your info to share is your choice. What info is his to share is his choice. Everything else is up for discussion.... poly is not about sex any way, so I'm not even sure why its so important.... unless you are just fucking around and want casual sex...still, this still applies.
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Old 07-23-2011, 02:18 AM
onequarter onequarter is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
There have been several other threads about this concern, and similar. Always helps to do a search first. Here are a few related discussions you might find helpful:
Thanks, I'm reading through those.

Redpepper, I PMed you.
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Old 07-23-2011, 02:21 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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OK I definitely have to weigh in on this one. In my opinion, yes he broke your trust. It is NOT okay to discuss another person's personal stuff with a stranger (or anyone) without their permission. It was not okay, and him trying to make it okay is bullshit. I won't even go into that more because RP said it better and I'd just be saying a lot of "me too" on that.

Secondly, asking some random woman about orgasms has little or NOTHING to do with him being able to "help" you.

A little caveat here... I'm studying to be a counselor specifically to become a sex therapist. It is my passion. I've spent five years educating myself as much as possible about issues that arise, and keep learning that there's so much to learn I most likely will never be done.

That said... every single woman is going to be completely different with regards to how they orgasm. The basic principles might be the same, or at least similar, but because sex isn't an "insert tab a into slot b, rub button c" type of deal, each woman has their own, independent, completely different operating system. What makes her come might hurt for you... and vice versa, so asking her will help him not at all. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Orgasms, and sex in general, is a mix of physiological, psychological, emotional and life experience. Which is why women are so different. My physiology might work one way, yours another. If I have been sexually abused that will affect me. If I have an endocrine disorder (like thyroid) that will affect me. Etc. ad nauseum.

Whether or not you were raised conservatively or liberally... MANY women don't get a lot of needed information about sex and go around thinking there is something wrong with them for whatever reason. I have heard many MANY stories in this regard where a woman had a sexual response that was something completely normal, but had never "heard" of it before because nobody she knew talked about it and so thought she was defective. Ridiculous, but I won't go off on that tangent right now.

So... now if YOU do want to do some exploration into your feelings about sex, and ideas and how your body works and maybe explore trying some new things... there are many ways you can do that. A certified sex therapist would be great, but sometimes people aren't ready for that step or it's cost prohibitive. There are a MYRIAD of great books out there that can help you figure out what is going on inside your own head and maybe give you some ideas on becoming more orgasmic (I'm only suggesting this because it seems to bother YOU, not because *I* think you need to work on anything...)

Two books I recommend are:

The Elusive Orgasm by Vivienne Cass. The book explains a lot about the physiological, psychological and emotional connections and leads you through a series of questionnaires to help you figure out exactly where the "hiccup" might be for YOU. She also gives ideas and exercises to help you move through those hiccups. It's a really great book, and helps a lot with sexual self-discovery.

The Good Girls Guide to Bad Girl Sex by Barbara Keesling. This book talks a lot about attitudes about sex, and inhibitions that people can have and how to work through them. It can be a bit much in the suggestion that every good girl wants to be "bad" in regards to sex... BUT... it also offers some really great exercises you can do on your own to work on things like building arousal, breathing patterns, different types of stimulation, etc.

If there aren't real physiological reasons for difficulty in orgasms (which there can be, low hormonal levels or less circulation of blood through the genitals, etc.) then people CAN retrain their body to respond to different types of stimulation. It's a matter of experimentation, and trial and error and getting comfortable with the idea.

And, it's usually best to do these experiments ALONE without a partner first, so you can let loose a bit and not be under pressure to perform.

Sorry if this was way too long or information you didn't want (if so, please feel free to ignore, I won't mind AT ALL!) I just felt the need to throw that out there because I know that when I was younger I had some issues with orgasming that made me self-conscious which made the issue worse and made me feel inadequate. I wasn't inadequate, but I was inadequately knowledgeable about myself. Learning this information and putting it into practice has been wonderful.
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Old 07-23-2011, 06:36 AM
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Minxxa- *like*
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Old 07-23-2011, 09:36 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Thanks RP. This is one of those areas I can't help but open my big mouth about and I just hope I don't overdo it!!
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