Help!! Wife had sex with OSO and feels like a whore

[poobah123]

My wife and I are new to polyamory. She recently had sex twice with her OSO (which she lied about) and feels like a whore.

She is having a great deal of difficulty getting over these feelings. How do I help her?

[MonoVCPHG]

How do you feel about it? I'm just curious if you're projecting a vibe or something. If not, hold her and kiss her...let her know she is just as pure and precious to you as always.

[poobah123]

I was first upset that I was lied too. I was calm. I have been understanding all day. I left work early and have hugged and kissed her. Calmed her down.

She wanted to end things with her OSO but I don't want her making that decision under irrational circumstances.

If time time goes by and we decide that together then fine.

Thanks for responding. Any other suggestions? She is just in tears. I feel so horrible because it was me who started us on the Polyamory idea when I had an emotional affair. I just love her so much.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by poobah123

My wife and I are new to polyamory. She recently had sex twice with her OSO (which she lied about) and feels like a whore.

She is having a great deal of difficulty getting over these feelings. How do I help her?

Tell her that she 's not a whore unless the OSO paid her to have sex.

[Derbylicious]

Perhaps she isn't poly. Or maybe she is poly-romantic but mono-sexual (I just made those terms up). If she is enjoying the relationship with her OSO apart from the sex maybe she should talk to the OSO about keeping sex out of their relationship (at least for the time being). If she does want to have sex with the OSO then it's up to her to explore why she feels like a whore and to work through those issues. There really isn't any need to rush into anything that she isn't comfortable with doing.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Derbylicious

Perhaps she isn't poly. Or maybe she is poly-romantic but mono-sexual (I just made those terms up). If she is enjoying the relationship with her OSO apart from the sex maybe she should talk to the OSO about keeping sex out of their relationship (at least for the time being). If she does want to have sex with the OSO then it's up to her to explore why she feels like a whore and to work through those issues. There really isn't any need to rush into anything that she isn't comfortable with doing.

I thought about that too. Often our fantasies are much more simple than the reality of our actions.

[clairegoad]

Originally Posted by PaulFromNewOrleans

Look, only truly rare wives can become poly, that is NOT HOW THEY ARE PROGRAMMED! Becoming poly has to be make before marriage...otherwise the conscious will destroy the spouse who took the marriage vows seriously...believe me, religious programming, like the Catholic Church, are well aware of our community....They teach girls from a VERY YOUNG AGE, that adultry is a sin! Get your wife in to therapy now; tell her that you were a fool to have suggested this whole poly crap! Otherwise, her soul will slowly rot from her preprogrammed guilt...Don't be a fool...being poly is extremely rewarding, but the cost to all of our community is very high....go back to your wife, cherish her, you were just having a mid-life crisis....if you were not poly at age 15 (like most gays felt also), then you are not poly now!

umm. People change. What they believe changes... You've got some very strong opinions... "our community"?... you don't sound like a member of this community. Are you assuming all wives are religious?

My experience... I was raised in the church, and have moved beyond those teachings... I feel no guilt about the loving, caring relationship I have with my boyfriend & girlfriend. If I am aware of the programming, I can 'unprogram.' I know many "recovering Catholics" who would challenge your belief that programming is permanent. Perhaps you could examine your programming and see what is causing you to be so judgmental.

Yes, some people are mono and will always be mono. But I was mono --faithfully mono for 20 years to the same person. I changed. And frankly, your comments about women are insulting.

You live in a very religious part of the country... Realize that other states, other countries are very different. Maybe if you listen, you can learn. The world is far more diverse and beautiful than you can imagine.

[ViableAlternative]

It sounds to me like you're being pretty strong and supportive about this.

I do think you're right to be upset/worried about the lying. Try to get to the bottom of that with her - why she did what she did, and hid what she hid.... If you can help her figure out WHY she was deceitful, maybe you guys can better understand what needs to change. Did she feel like being honest would hurt you? Or that bad things would happen if she told you? Maybe she feels insecure about being openly honest. Was she -afraid- to tell you she wanted to sleep with him, perhaps because you wouldn't "let" her? Maybe she needs to know that when she tells you something she thinks you won't like, or asks for something she thinks you won't give, that there will be constructive discussion.

As to how to help her feel better about this....

First, I think getting to the bottom of the "why she lied" thing is most important in helping her feel better, too. Once that is understood and addressed, a lot of the guilt can be better placed and dealt with.

Second, having sex doesn't make her a whore. If you guys have an agreement that she can have sex with her boyfriend, then she's not doing ANYTHING "wrong" (again - work out the lying, because that _IS_ wrong). If you can find a poly-friendly, sex-positive counselor to help her work through this a bit, it might be a good idea. Our whole society is so disgustingly bent on making sex "dirty" for a girl that getting past that stigma is real and hard work. It's important for HER to get past that, whether she ever sleeps with her boyfriend again or not.

Next, just keep doing what you're doing. You sound pretty level-headed about this (asking her not to break up with the boyfriend until she's more grounded, giving her hugs, being calm, etc.), so keep that up. Be honest with her and love her; she needs it.

Lastly, make sure you're not forsaking your own feelings over the lying just because she's distraught about having done it. She DID wrong you, by lying. And now you're reassuring her about her wronging you. This could become an unhealthy spot for you, if you're neglecting any feelings of your own about it. If you DO have some hurt that needs to be addressed, make sure it does. That *may* need to wait until your wife is more grounded and stable, if possible. Or there might not even be any hurt there, for all I know. I'm not you, so.... I know nothing

Oh, and don't forget to give yourself a pat on the back for being so loving

[just3]

AS one of those rare wives but ummm...not the religious one lol....
The first time I had sex with my now ex I felt bad later on. It was that side of my brain saying I was cheating because Im married! I did get over it after talking to hubby. My hubs knew I was going to though. Maybe thats why your wife feels so bad and is berating herself over it. Since you said she lied and cheated(which I guess I need more clarification on since you did call this person her OSO......) If I lied to S I would feel like shit honestly. I dont like hiding anything either. Without the open communication S and I have theres no way this all would work.
Chris

[Magdlyn]

Poobah, I am confused. I looked at some of your past threads and you had stated your wife had already "performed 3 [sexual] things" with her OSO in May. Or are you still referring to that here? Or is it a different guy?

You 2 are in a quad situation now? Is this with the same woman with whom you had a secret year long emotional affair, and with her husband?

Can you sum it all up? I am getting different info from you in different threads you've started.