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  #1  
Old 06-27-2011, 07:36 PM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Default Upcoming Situation- Need Suggestions

Well for those that have been keeping up... it appears that my "vibes" about the OSO were more accurate than I thought... so much so that she is no longer in the picture (shocking development). I didn't ask for too many specific details, but our guy felt like he had been "deceived" and knew it wasn't in either of our best interests to continue that relationship.

...so why does that scare me...

Anyway, we really got a chance to connect during my recent visit, and the alone time allowed us to have some very valuable conversations that have put me at ease about a lot of things (yes, I put out more boundaries) and I think we are at a good place for now. However, there is a situtation coming up soon where I know I will be in the presence of someone else he is involved with.

I explained my discomfort about doing a threesome and he was totally fine with that (I actually told him I am not sure if I will ever be comfortable watching him with another woman in my presence--maybe the other situation hasn't worn off yet), and he was fine with that. I explained that I am OK with him having other women, and that I need the option of bringing other men into my life (which he reluctantly agreed to)...

BUT... I am sure he is going to want to spend time with the other woman since they haven't been together in a long time which doesn't bother me, but I don't want to be anywhere NEAR their... encounter (not even a room next door). As it stands now, I think he may have wanted me in another part of the house while they are together. I don't think I can even HEAR them together without melting down! So should I get a room elsewhere? I don't mind maybe having dinner with them to meet her (he is SO big on his SO's meeting each other....), but if it gets physical, I am so outta there.

Am I just being a big baby? Do other poly relationships function where the SO's don't meet each other? Don't get me wrong... she seems really nice, but I'm still not ready to be best buddies with the other women in his life.

Will this change over time? My goodness! I've only been at this for a couple of months. I'm not quite ready to jump head first into full compersion!!!
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Old 06-27-2011, 07:57 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Meeting is usually a good idea. I think it's reasonable to make plans to all have dinner together and then plan something for later in the evening that you want to do (without them). There is no reason you should have to be around anything that you aren't comfortable being around. It's perfectly ok to never be comfortable with threesomes or seeing your partner with someone else. It's even ok to set boundaries of no sex in the house while you're home. Find something that works for both of you and go with it. There are no hard and fast rules, only finding an overlapping comfort zone for all involved.
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Old 06-27-2011, 08:14 PM
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He doesn't have to schedule seeing her at the same time you will be there. Sheesh, when will this guy get a clue?
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Old 06-27-2011, 08:27 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
I think he may have wanted me in another part of the house while they are together.
Why??

It makes no sense to me, the way he is continually pushing (and not in a constructive way) at your boundaries. Some pushing is a good thing, lets everyone sound out if a previously placed boundary is still applicable, but of course it is applicable RIGHT AFTER YOU'VE STATED IT.

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Old 06-27-2011, 09:39 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Meeting SO's is great, but you don't live in the same area, so I don't know what his big rush is.
Yes, get your own room elsewhere, or ask that he go to her place for sex while you're there, or to not see her while you are there for sex at his place.
Really, if he can't keep it in his pants for a short visit with his other partners when you don't see him that often...then again I don't know how often or long these visits are but really.. isn't he supposed to be busy having sex with you since your relationship is so new and you're going there to see him?
Anyway, I'd tell him you're uncomfortable staying there if he's going to be having sex with other people while you're there at this point in time. Knowing ahead of time what you'll be walking into is kinda important, as you probably figured out with that other situation.
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Old 06-27-2011, 10:00 PM
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LostRane LostRane is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
I explained my discomfort about doing a threesome and he was totally fine with that (I actually told him I am not sure if I will ever be comfortable watching him with another woman in my presence--maybe the other situation hasn't worn off yet), and he was fine with that. I explained that I am OK with him having other women, and that I need the option of bringing other men into my life (which he reluctantly agreed to)...
Wait a moment. you dont have to do anything that you dont want to. My GF Rane and her BF Draco first started out having sex I was not there and had no desire to be there. They respected me enough.. We do have a threesomes now but it has been after lots of talk.

Quote:
BUT... I am sure he is going to want to spend time with the other woman since they haven't been together in a long time which doesn't bother me, but I don't want to be anywhere NEAR their... encounter (not even a room next door). As it stands now, I think he may have wanted me in another part of the house while they are together. I don't think I can even HEAR them together without melting down! So should I get a room elsewhere? I don't mind maybe having dinner with them to meet her (he is SO big on his SO's meeting each other....), but if it gets physical, I am so outta there.
You dont have to be there or anywhere near. Its your choice..

Quote:
Am I just being a big baby? Do other poly relationships function where the SO's don't meet each other? Don't get me wrong... she seems really nice, but I'm still not ready to be best buddies with the other women in his life.

Will this change over time? My goodness! I've only been at this for a couple of months. I'm not quite ready to jump head first into full compersion!!!
You are not being a baby in my eyes. You are dealing with your feelings and thoughts, I think you have every right to feel how you do and work through it.
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Old 06-27-2011, 10:26 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I'm also wondering why in your times together he feels the need to bring in his other SOs. You two are in a new relationship... there should be time to build that and get to know each other first, then you can meet people and hang out or whatever. While I think meeting the metamours is awesome, it doesn't have to happen right away.

I also agree that you don't ever have to feel the need to EVER be comfortable being around while he's having sex with someone else. I'm feeling that maybe that's a thing for him? Being with one person while the other watches, participates, is nearby? Nothing wrong with that, but since it is not your thing, he should be able to put it aside for the times you're together. If not, then you have to make a decision at that point whether this relationship is going to work for you.
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Old 06-27-2011, 11:15 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I think this man is really into recreational sex and just calling it poly. He's using poly as an excuse to have his sexual proclivities satisfied, but he's not really listening when you communicate, and he's not engaging with you as an understanding partner or someone who even remotely cares about what you want or your feelings. He is totally selfish and, frankly, I am appalled that this is your introduction to poly. Because it ain't really poly if there's no consideration at all for you.
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  #9  
Old 06-27-2011, 11:21 PM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
He doesn't have to schedule seeing her at the same time you will be there. Sheesh, when will this guy get a clue?
This will be an important weekend for him and he wants all of his SO's involved. The clincher is that he has been involved with this woman for years, so there are definitely some strong feelings there.

It's so weird. I think I could possibly be OK with some random girl, but when it comes to an SO... I shut down. We're both out-of-towners, and I don't think they've seen each other in a while, so I am sure they will want to spend some time together. Since we just spent some time together and have a one-on-one vacation coming up soon, I think it's only fair to give her time to be with him. I can concede that much...

...and I want to be part of the weekend, so maybe I'll just have to grit and bear it? Yep... another conversation is in order.
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Old 06-27-2011, 11:25 PM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
He doesn't have to schedule seeing her at the same time you will be there. Sheesh, when will this guy get a clue?
Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
Why??

It makes no sense to me, the way he is continually pushing (and not in a constructive way) at your boundaries. Some pushing is a good thing, lets everyone sound out if a previously placed boundary is still applicable, but of course it is applicable RIGHT AFTER YOU'VE STATED IT.

As someone else said... I think he gets off on seeing his SO's with each other or them...performing...simultaneously on him. I'm not saying I may not EVER get comfortable with it (after I have had a chance to get to know the other person), but I am getting really frustrated with his Meet-and-fuck mentality.

He thinks that I will vibe better with the other SO, and so far, over the phone, we have. We have even been communicating without him over email, but that still doesn't mean I want to fuck her... especially the first time meeting her...
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