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  #11  
Old 06-26-2011, 04:27 PM
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LostRane LostRane is offline
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Default Proud of you...

Hi CP,

I am so proud of you.. those are some big steps that you have taken.

When you invent the Anti NRE spray I will take a big bottle of it.. lol It will get better. One step at a time.

Again proud of you...
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  #12  
Old 06-26-2011, 05:46 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Thank you, that means a lot! *hugs*
Now I need to save up for my therapist-appointment after their first night, i.e. my first night alone. Whaaaaaaaaah... :-D

I reckon a good workout, some good company in the evening, and some sleeping assistance will make it all manageable. And the certainty that this can't hurt me, quite the contrary. But I might be awake to chat that night, and I might need a virtual shoulder to cry on. No doubt it will be posted in full here. There are so many amazing shoulders here. Thank you all!
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  #13  
Old 06-26-2011, 07:47 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VanillaCrazyCake View Post
Hi everybody. I'm kinda shy so I've been lurking on the forum, paying particular attention to ClosetPoly's posts, but I haven't wanted to butt in. However, after an invitation like one above I felt I had to at least say hi

I'm astounded and proud by how CP is handling all this. As he said, when I told him how I felt about his best friend I truly expected him to kick me out. I'm so glad he didn't. <3
Welcome!
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  #14  
Old 06-27-2011, 06:00 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ClosetPoly View Post
I took a giant leap of faith this morning, trusting myself for the first time in my life.

I have set rules, they have obliged, I have moved them, they have gratiously accepted, been thankful and moved on.

The last thing I read on the forum yesterday was the quote "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours, if not, it never was.".

This morning I told my partner I'm setting her free. No rules, no boundaries but her own, she is free to be what she is.

my partner experienced deep and true love with him before they even got to touch or kiss each other. In that sense, the scary and truly dangerous part is already out in the open, their deep love. I do however see that I have kept a tether on the bird's leg, and this morning I cut that off. It was the scariest thing I've done so far, and at the same time it has really increased my peace inside, and made me even prouder of myself. I know that for every step from here on in, I can pat my own back, and it'll feel true. And every time my fantastic partner, and her amazing boyfriend says "thank you for giving us this", it'll be true and real, and I can take it to heart.

I finally feel like I'm treating my partner as an equal, truly respecting her for what she is and finally treating myself as her equal. I can in time start expecting things and make demands, as can she. This is now hers, not mine.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClosetPoly View Post
by removing myself from that equation, I give her back control over her life. She's not controlled directly by me, but rather by how she feels about pushing her own boundaries, and balancing that against how much pain I might be in at that particular point in time.
This is a huge lesson learned in poly I have found. Awesome that you reached this place! Really it is I'm so happy for you. From here on in I would be surprised if everything hasn't changed for you. This is a deep change, more than perhaps you realize at the moment. Its complete freedom from fear. I hope you can hold on to that.

I am going to steal this for the lessons learned thread. This is a really great story that hopefully will give others hope and help them get there. Thanks!
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  #15  
Old 06-27-2011, 01:30 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I completely get and understand the scary part of this story but not the "safest" part. How do you fine the safety here? Or rather where did you fine the safety....it may help others to hear how you came to view this situation/decision in that light.

Good luck D
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  #16  
Old 06-28-2011, 11:04 AM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Red: Thank you, I am honoured! Things have changed, but not necessarily for the better for me. I'm having huge problems focusing these days, and I keep thinking about them. VanillaCrazyCake arranged a fantastic getaway just for us, yesterday, fancy hotel with a lovely outdoor pool. She coined a new term there, NRI/NRP, New Relationship Irritation/Pain. And I totally got that. :-D
What has changed though, Dingedheart, is that I don't feel fear anymore, I don't fear that she will leave me. I have set her free, and she remains with me, she has remained with me from the first day she admitted she loved him. I believe her. And I trusted in myself enough to give her full freedom of her life and relationship. If she'll leave me because he's better in bed, well then these 13 amazing years have been a charade. And they have not. Would I like it better if she figured out she didn't need to have sex with him? Yes, very much. Is that likely? No, not so much. Should it matter? Not really.
Right now I'm just circling, dealing with the fact that she DOES love him so much, and actually WANT to have two relationships. It's still alien to me, but I don't expect that to change for a long time...

If however anyone has good tips or techniques on how to focus on what's at hand, feel free to pour them on me. Right now, they are both in my head even when I'm alone with my partner, and that is truly annoying, because I cannot focus all of my attention on her, which she deserves. I get distracted, and that makes me sad. Buuuut ok, 1 month in. What can I expect... :-)
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  #17  
Old 06-28-2011, 05:55 PM
southerngirl southerngirl is offline
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CP, I wish I had had your insight 4 years ago when my husband first told me he loved someone else. What a long, hard journey it has been. Even, now, though reading of this point you've come to I feel hopeful that he and I will continue to grow.
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  #18  
Old 06-28-2011, 08:23 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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1 month in! Geesh, you are doing well in just deciding to trust! Be patient with yourself. It sounds like you have a woman who loves you amd is willing to do what she can to show you AND carry on with her other relationship. Her giving is wonderful and to be commended, as is yours!

Keep breathing, try and relax, do some things for yourself that you've been meaning to do and wait it out. It could very well be, in no time at all, that you can't wait for her to leave the house so you can get about doing your thing! My PN is like that. He has created an amazing website on the back of my relationship with Mono (therealizedself.com). Now he LOVES having the time to write... He used to loath my going out.
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  #19  
Old 06-28-2011, 09:25 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Southern & Red: Well, it's not exactly all song and dance, I will admit. Deciding to trust her was definitely a release, and I do trust her to come home to me, but I must admit it took me a very short time to regress into the familiar uncomfortability. I think I have in a way restarted the whole process by setting her free. It's like it's a whole new situation and I have to deal with it from the top again. I'm not sure anymore what I feel, if it's letting go, sharing or just the insane weird change in my life. It is rather unpleasant at least, and I'd like it to wear off. I keep flickering between ohgodohgodohgodIcan'tdothis! and being truly happy for her. Very confusing times. Hopefully it shifts more into the latter soon.

We just had a rather pleasant 3some-setting, made dinner, watched a movie and performed a foot/head-massage on her, renewing that glow of opulence she has about her. :-)

Thank you for your support, Red. She's off to be with him tomorrow, early in the day, to stay all day, and I will focus on doing something for me. I'm just finding it hard to think of things I don't desperately want to share with her. We've been together for 13 years and overlap each other basically 100% in interests. Everything we do, we have done together, which I think makes this extra hard to deal with. Right now I'm exhausted from lack of sleep, and stuff is harder to deal with than normal...
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Mono engaged to poly VanillaCrazyCake

Don't fear god, don't worry about death; What is good is easy to get, and what is terrible is easy to endure.
-Epicurus
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  #20  
Old 06-28-2011, 10:24 PM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ClosetPoly View Post
I'm just finding it hard to think of things I don't desperately want to share with her. We've been together for 13 years and overlap each other basically 100% in interests. Everything we do, we have done together, which I think makes this extra hard to deal with. Right now I'm exhausted from lack of sleep, and stuff is harder to deal with than normal...
this is a problem that I tend to have too. relearning to be independent after doing everything together for so long. it's easy to be independent right now because we have been apart for 3 months but I'll be back home again soon. the old routine isn't going to be the same anymore, if that makes sense.
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