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  #1  
Old 09-08-2011, 01:11 AM
DancingNancy DancingNancy is offline
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Default Am I a...?

I can't even say the word, but after reading up on the interwebbie... It's what I am. Spare me, the word is freaking me out.

A newly divorced twenty something being invited not an established MF relationship. I don't feel it is predatory, because I am the first in the four year relationship, (and by predatory: I mean they would seek me out to be their sex toy/ helper). I feel it os quite genuine and loving and open. She, well they, have always wanted a third bi woman in the mix. Yay me.

However, when I expressed my need to be with them individually also, and to have one on one time to develop those relationships, I was told that "there is no me and him, only us."

I feel hurt, but honestly so. Honest with myself about what I want and need. I'm about to tell her that's now how I draw my own picture: with four relationships, his and hers, mine and hers, mine and his, and all three together. I'm struggling to make the words. I have overcome too much in this life to back down from what I truly want, and if I'm not honest about that now, Then what's the freaking point? Will me to get the words!!!
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  #2  
Old 09-08-2011, 01:18 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Stick to your guns and walk away if they cannot give you what you want. From what I've read and seen, when a couple refuses to let individual relationships develop and see it ONLY as "us plus one," it tends to head toward disaster. After all, you're not an appendage to their relationship, you're a human being who deserves relationships with other human beings, not bits and pieces of pre-approved interactions.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-08-2011 at 01:26 AM.
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  #3  
Old 09-08-2011, 01:23 AM
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JuliaGay JuliaGay is offline
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I second nycindie. I've seen things go very bad when couples try to require an "us only" relationship. That flies in the face of reality. When there are three people, there will be three relationships...A and B, B and C, A and C. You will at some time find yourself without the third person. If you have no way to relate to each other individually...well, that's not a good way to approach relationships....

Hang in there and do what you need to do for yourself. You have to be your own advocate here.

JG
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Old 09-08-2011, 01:25 AM
DancingNancy DancingNancy is offline
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They say they share everything. All of my texts get forwarded to the other person. I have nothing to hide, but damn it feels weird. I'm talking to YOU, not him. Or vice versa. No secrets, but still... Can't we just talk? And be with each other? Without the other person being directly 100% involved? Or am I misunderstanding the whole concept here???
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Old 09-08-2011, 01:36 AM
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JuliaGay JuliaGay is offline
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No, you're not misunderstanding. Unfortunately I'd say they are somewhat delusional...this just isn't the way people and relationships work long term. I'm fine with the no secrets part. But i's just not practical for all three of you to be together all the time. Things will be said to one person that are innocently forgotten and omitted when talked to the other. As I said, I've seen this before. It leads one of two things, from my observations : 1) accusations of lying because you can't remember absolutely everything you said to one person or the other or 2) the couple figures out that you can't keep this kind of thing up as time moves along and they give it up.

I wish you luck, DN. Relationships are never easy.

JG
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"But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
....
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
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  #6  
Old 09-08-2011, 01:56 AM
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Bahalana Bahalana is offline
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Are you a single horned mystical equine? It sounds like it.
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Old 09-08-2011, 02:00 AM
DancingNancy DancingNancy is offline
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Shhhhhhh.
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Old 09-08-2011, 02:02 AM
DancingNancy DancingNancy is offline
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And thanks for the support. It might be new, but I feel seriously enough about it to not take half of what I want. I said I have no interest in taking away from their relationship, only adding to it, but its so unrealistic to tell me that I can't have individual relationships. I'm not at all dissing what they want, but maybe it's not what I want. Better to say it I suppose. Yay honesty. I feel like this whole life exudes honesty and I love that.
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  #9  
Old 09-08-2011, 02:51 AM
DancingNancy DancingNancy is offline
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Side note:
As I am the first newcomer into their longterm relationship... What do you think the odds are that even they don't know it's unrealistic?? Innocent ignorance? I'd be in the same boat if I wasn't compulsive about educating myself about everything.
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  #10  
Old 09-08-2011, 02:54 AM
DancingNancy DancingNancy is offline
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She said she wanted to gather her thoughts and words and to give her just a minute. It's been over an hour and I am sad. I guess that's life. If I wasn't on so much damn celexa I might cry. Anxious. Sad. I hate waiting and wondering. Who doesn't...
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co-dependency, couples, secondaries, secondary, secondary feelings, triad, unicorn, unicorns

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