Can one have a 'primary' partner for whom they are not 'primary'?

[rolypoly]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I were to experience negative emotions because I am not getting anything in return I would really have to look at what the purpose is for my being there

I hear what you're saying. I was thinking more along the lines of others being uncomfortable because they don't want to receive love from someone they don't love back the same way...

It gets returned to me ten fold in so many ways...

That's wonderful! And yes, it does get returned in other ways, doesn't it. Hmm, maybe there's a broader way to look at how this can all fit together in one's life. A loves B who loves C who loves A... everyone is giving and receiving love in their own capacity. Nice way to look at it.

I've worked with the developmentally disabled also and I know exactly what you mean. It's actually been a bit scary for me to feel so much love from someone with Down's and realize there are still parts of me that are afraid to be loved. Phew. Wonderful that you do this RP! You seem like a neat lady.

I hope that this person is worthy of your trust and takes care of your heart roly... perhaps telling him all this might help. If it doesn't fit to trust him that much then perhaps your sadness is due to the fact that he is not the right one to direct your love to in the depth that you want to give...

We're still getting to know each other and going slowly, but so far, he definitely seems like he is worthy of my trust. He is forthcoming about things personal to him. He shares his feelings when he knows what they are. He allows me to feel what I feel, doesn't label or judge, just smiles. He shows care about my well-being. He makes sure to accommodate my allergies, makes sure I'm comfortable, etc. I've told him most of what I feel, but the time we spend together feels pretty intense, so I want to give space for things to evolve in their own way.

The sadness I feel, I'm pretty sure, has 100% to do with triggers from childhood. Loving a dad who was never there and pushed me away. Crying myself to sleep because I wanted daddy. That sort of thing. Being close to someone often brings this up for me. Sometimes, people associate pain with love because that's what their experiences with love have been. I also lost my mother not that long ago, so love brings a lot of sadness with it for me...

Thanks for helping me externalize this.

[bookworm]

I'm in a complicated relationship that fits here. I am the secondary to the one I am primary. And I am primary to the one who is my secondary. It all seems kind of backwards, and if I let myself think about it, it kinda makes my head spin. But it works this way, and I know it could only work this way bc of the personalities of the ppl involved. We actually tried it the other way in the begining and it just didn't work. I ended up ending it with the now secondary guy but after a couple of months and much discussion we worked it out this way. And it has been good since. Its all about balance.

[Ceoli]

Balance is best achieved when there's good communication. This made me think of a friend of mine who was in a primary partnership for six years and the last couple of years were fraught with lots of drama and hurt. They still very much loved each other but it was also pretty clear that things weren't working. But instead of breaking up, they allowed their partnership evolve to a more secondary kind. They had been living together. He moved out and got his own place and they continued seeing and loving each other, but with the understanding that their relationship was no longer about living together and all of the other pieces that go with it. It was a bit of a bittersweet transition for them. They definitely had pieces of their relationship that they mourned, but they still had each other and they were able to let a lot of that pain and drama go.

I always think that a great deal of our pain comes from clinging to how we *think* things should be instead of letting go and allowing things to be the way they should be.

[bookworm]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

I always think that a great deal of our pain comes from clinging to how we *think* things should be instead of letting go and allowing things to be the way they should be.

I love that, I think you are exactly right. We are taught from the time we are little about what the "norm" should be but thats not what works for everybody.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

I always think that a great deal of our pain comes from clinging to how we *think* things should be instead of letting go and allowing things to be the way they should be.

Well said Ceoli! We should all be following our hearts rather than what we are told is our hearts.

[rolypoly]

bookworm, I'm curious to know what specifically changed within your relationships when you changed who was primary/secondary?

Amount of time spent together? How much/whether or not you say I love you? Living arrangements? Talk of children? ??

[rolypoly]

What a great story! I once suggested to a now ex that instead of breaking up, we become secondary, but it didn't work in our case. Nice to know it has for others.

I'm wondering what exactly defines a relationship. What makes a relationship primary?

I think I need to start another thread.....

[bookworm]

I feel O is primary bc I base my schedule around when I am able to spend time with him. I actually spend more time with K, i don't really know how to explain it. I'm not able to have kids, so it has nothing to do with that. I love them both, and I love them differently, but O just comes first.

[rolypoly]

Hmm. So many possibilities.

[bookworm]

Originally Posted by rolypoly

Hmm. So many possibilities.

And so many complications lol.