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  #61  
Old 09-12-2011, 02:41 PM
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I have to agree with nycindie you have a wonderful way with words!
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Dance in the rain...
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  #62  
Old 09-17-2011, 04:21 PM
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Thank you!

I cannot believe it, but Lover came over yesterday and spent all day with the kids and I. Jewell went to town, leaving us. We watched a movie, ate lunch, played with the kids. He got into reading my writings. I am a writer, and it took him two hours to scratch the surface. I let him read my blog. He sat there and powered through it all; then he got up and without saying anything gave me an absolute backbreaking hug. Jewell I don't know if I will let her read it, because I say some personal stuff about Lover, and well I just don't know. I am still really nervous about even letting Lover read it.
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I make the letter V. I am married to my wife Jewel (MtoF) for 8 years. Adopted into our family is my Sextoy/SSO (Straight Male).--Not living together.
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  #63  
Old 09-17-2011, 04:47 PM
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Love is champagne in coffee cups.
Love is wildflowers picked from the side of the road.
Love is five bodies crammed in bed,
exchanging energy with the hand to an arm or gentle touch to face.
Love is the strength of painting my nails the power I feel finally inside.
Love is letting me walk in a gentle rain alone.
Love can wear tattered clothing,
and a bright red boa.
Love can be barbed wire,
Catching you when you lest expect it.
Leaving a trail of blood as you find a way out.
Love is,
imperfect,
improvising,
eccentric,
and incorrigible.
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I make the letter V. I am married to my wife Jewel (MtoF) for 8 years. Adopted into our family is my Sextoy/SSO (Straight Male).--Not living together.
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  #64  
Old 09-18-2011, 10:02 PM
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Default 8 offical years together

Today is my 8th year anniversary with Jewell. I didn't do what I always did which was roll over, kiss her and wish her a happy extra one. No, I just cried when she left. She never remembers the day, ever in the 8 years. This year itís the death of romance completely. Last year she had sex with me and thought that was it, she had done her duty. That still pisses me off, badly. She is happy being miss co-dependent. I almost wish I would have followed my instincts last year about this time and just left. If I do break up with her eventually, I will sever it with Lover as well. That will be just to quail oddness, and also to give me a fresh start. Do I want to be here? Happy anniversary to us.
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I make the letter V. I am married to my wife Jewel (MtoF) for 8 years. Adopted into our family is my Sextoy/SSO (Straight Male).--Not living together.
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  #65  
Old 10-10-2011, 03:42 AM
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Love is the understanding that whatever stupid thing I can do at times, the frustrations that build, I always end up in Jewells arms. She still pulls me in and almost suffocates me with her arms around me. Lover has relaxed fully letting me see how much in love with me he is. It has momentarily frightened me. I am always redefining what I learned about love. I have been raised around a love that was selfish, and angry. A love that was a tool for money. A love that was there as a trap to use, and abuse. I was raised with a love that was bruises, and putdowns.

My mom I just found out did something very cruel. She bagged out on her partner. Left her with no money in a camping spot. My mom got money from her mom, who spoils her rotten, and bagged. I am trying to get her partner up here, I will call her Ms. Broken if she does come up here. I want to give her a helping hand. A barter, for a wonderful carpentry talent she has.

That is why I am redefining love. I hated what I seen, and what I am trying to heal. Love is alive it is constantly moving flowing. Sometimes the waves throw me off, and scare me as I am thrust under. I do love the rush as it consumes me. As it fills my ears, and nostrils. I know I am a naked baby at its mercy.

For 8 years, since the day I met her; Its been Jewell and I. We have been the rock for so many people. We have been the rock for each other. There is a love there that I cannot even describe, more than unconditional.

I have come to believe that time may be more circular than liner. When I first met her I swear it was more of me having the feeling of "There you are; how I've missed you." I took my time getting her number, letting her anywhere near me with the "L" word. We are both wild, playful, and madly in love with nature. She was always her, and I always me. We never hid anything. We lived nose to nose just being. Being our best, and our worst.

Last year at this time began both of our worsts. I had to get an emergency removal of my Paragaurd. My Zoloft began to cause even worse panic attacks, and I nose dived hard into depression. She hid in a pain pill addiction. Her sex drive died, and I took it personally that she didn't want me. I didn't want her, and even plotted to kick her off the land a few times. Lover wasn't seeing this just yet. He was in a depression himself. I didn't make mention until late Nov. about anything to Lover. I called him one drunken night, long story. If we were going to cut the cords the scissors came the closest last year.

Sometimes I still don't know. I don’t think anyone does. All I know is when I am asleep sometimes Jewell will pick me up and cuddle me like a long lost friend. Sometimes when she is asleep I will wrap my arm around her like a cloak of protection.


I wrote this post last week sometime. With time restraints and internet outages I never managed to put it up. She really has been a great cloak of comfort, and protection for me now.

Last week it was quite apparent that Lover was very crabby. He came over to hang out with me, but didn't want me kissing, or touching. The only reason I got frisky is because Jewell and The Dew were away. I know to respect Jewell and I's space so I would never pass 2nd base with him. I managed to look past it all and asked him meekly if I could spend the night.

He didn't mind it, and took me home with him. We had a lovely Saturday, night that folded itself nicely into a lazy Sunday morning. I didn't put on a stitch of clothing for the night and morning I was with him. It was warm, and healing to be naked. I wish it was that way now, but its not.

Lover has taken a spiral downward into depression. This is our third time seeing it. Sep-Oct he flips. He started taking it out on Jewell in small increments. It was building everyday. On Tuesday we borrowed his truck and trailer. Jewell, the kids, and I went to the bigger city for lumber. We got home late, did all of our chores and unloaded all of the wood. I tucked the kids into bed and headed over to his place. It was 11:30, but I did bring it back the same day. I was wore out and wanted to stay the night.

He tore into me about this and that. I could take it so I grabbed my purse and turned to leave. He got up and held me and coxed me back into the chair. Before I knew it he was tearing into me about another really sensitive topic. I had it and left slamming the door. It was 1am when I got home. Jewell had come out for a momentary gaze at the stars when she heard me coming.

She didn't judge me; say I told you so; or even ask. She just held me all night long. As Lover continues to be a bear, and life not much easier right now she continues to hold me, and I hold her. She told me she wants to be friends with him again and hopes he will pull out of it. I don't want to lose him, and yet I want to give him space.

I have been really tore up about it. I feel weird expressing it here at home, so I have been keeping it all to myself. I know I seem depressed. I am hurting. I am lost, and lonely. He hasn't called in days.
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I make the letter V. I am married to my wife Jewel (MtoF) for 8 years. Adopted into our family is my Sextoy/SSO (Straight Male).--Not living together.

Last edited by evrchanging; 10-10-2011 at 03:46 AM.
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  #66  
Old 11-06-2011, 03:17 PM
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*hugs everchanging*
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
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  #67  
Old 11-24-2011, 04:44 AM
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Things are coming along. Stress levels are dropping as we push every day to get our homesteading winter preparations done. Sex and love are such a strange thing. Every so often I find a new side. Lover and I got over our rough patch.

Mainly he was lost and depressed, and starting to slide back into his sickness. Everyone in the family reached out to him. I think he was surprised at the amount of hands that touched him in their own ways. The kids, Jewell, and I. He realized that this is now his family. He realized that we are imperfect, and we respect each others strengths as well as weaknesses.

One strong rule I hold after years of emotional abuse is; do not tear someone down unless you are ready to build them back up stronger than before, and never tear someone down to build yourself up. Lover had to be made aware of this.

He admits to being self centered. He has never had a family. He was abused as well and afraid to make his own. He was afraid he would flub up. I told him that parents are people. I am a teen mother, far, far from perfect. Jewell has her issues. It was a big issue for him seeing that we are imperfect, and we still try like hell to make everyday count. He would have made a good father, and I do appreciate him lending a hand. So in short he is adjusting to being accepted full force in our family.

Jewell has completely separated my love for Lover from her. In other words she was holding me and getting me through what could have been my first break up. She was laughing at me, last week, when I stole his coat and wore it for almost a week to enjoy his sent. We have fully come to realize that my love for him is separate completely from my love for her. If any ties it is one brings another up in positive energy. Also, if I do bring a bought of bad energy home Jewell has right to tell me so. (which she has)

Jewell and I are strong loving blood sisters bonded by our children. 8 years we have put together. Our kids are growing everyday. Our house is coming together. Today I noticed that both of our hammers were falling into sync with each other. There are many morning when I wake up blessed. There is hardly a time when we do not wrap our arms around one another and melt together as one.

We did it. As a family. We got through some hard times. We got our house in order, Lover got his tightened up for winter. The farm is ready for winter. We are all pulling out of our depressions. Jewell jumped all over Lover yesterday for some building issues. Lover wrapped his arms around her and held her. I am still able to have my sleepover nights. I feel like I have been able really deeply open up to Lover and just let it all hang out.

I didn't know if it was going to work out. Jewell is still worried I am in deeper than I want to admit, and it may be true. Lover and I make great meals and great love together. We have a lot in common. I don't have any other outside friends as like I do him. I am trying to find friends, and now that my time is opening up I think I can try a little harder.

More later on. I have time to write again.
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I make the letter V. I am married to my wife Jewel (MtoF) for 8 years. Adopted into our family is my Sextoy/SSO (Straight Male).--Not living together.
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  #68  
Old 11-25-2011, 12:06 PM
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Evrchanging, I am glad you're back. I read your blog during your hiatus and imagined your little family working hard on building your cabin in time for winter.

Like you, I am lovers with a transwoman. It does my heart good to see your love and support for Jewell. It's certainly not easy loving a transperson.

I'm glad Lover pulled out of his depression with support from friends and family. I love reading about your intimacy with him.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, poly, 37
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  #69  
Old 12-02-2011, 05:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Evrchanging, I am glad you're back. I read your blog during your hiatus and imagined your little family working hard on building your cabin in time for winter.

Like you, I am lovers with a transwoman. It does my heart good to see your love and support for Jewell. It's certainly not easy loving a transperson.

I'm glad Lover pulled out of his depression with support from friends and family. I love reading about your intimacy with him.
Thank you. I know I am not the only one in love with a transwoman but it can sometimes feel like it. I am glad to have someone on the board that can relate.
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I make the letter V. I am married to my wife Jewel (MtoF) for 8 years. Adopted into our family is my Sextoy/SSO (Straight Male).--Not living together.
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  #70  
Old 12-02-2011, 05:12 AM
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Default Woogie turns 2

The day before Thanksgiving 2009, I gave birth. Not in a hospital, not at home. At mile marker 253 while Jewell was driving 60 miles an hour, and The Dew was seated right next to me I delivered little Woogie. An incredible experience to be the first one to touch your baby. I did months of research and made sure the baby was in the right position if it did happen that I delivered alone. It was a high probability. I have fast labors. There are no midwifes around here. The hospital is 1 hour away. A synopses of my birth story. Happy Birthday Woogie!!
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I make the letter V. I am married to my wife Jewel (MtoF) for 8 years. Adopted into our family is my Sextoy/SSO (Straight Male).--Not living together.
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